Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.


WORLD #298 – The One with the Marauders Science Theater 3000

"Where the hell am I?" A.K. stated realizing he was in a bedroom that was only vaguely familiar at best.

"Welcome stranger!" a brash, young, and naturally lovable Sirius Black bellowed.

"Stop it Evans!" a petulantly endearing, teenage James Potter insisted, unaware of their new surprise guest. "They appeared miraculously in my room, therefore they are mine!"

"They hit me on the head you idiotic, moronic, numbskull-brain!" a feisty and spunky Lily Evans called back. "And besides, I'm not even sure you can read!"

"Prongs! Lils!" the cool, calm, and stoic voice of a level-headed Remus Lupin interrupted. "I think we have a bigger issue right now."

"What Moony?" James asked.

Remus just pointed and said, "Perhaps the scarred stranger who miraculously appeared as well?"

A.K. did not like the look of this world at all and shook his head tiredly. "I'm in 1975, ain't I?"

"1976, actually," James replied. He turned towards Lily, "And he appeared in my room, so he's mine too!"

"Ooooh," Lily razzed. "I hate you, Potter."

"Oh bugger it all," A.K. moaned in emotional turmoil. "You guys aren't dating or anywhere near kids yet, are you?"

James smiled proudly and puffed out his chest. "My Lily flower will come around and see the wonders of my charms soon enough."

"I'd rather kiss a flobberworm than you," Lily argued back getting flustered, trying to hide her blush.

"Oh Lils," James smarmily began. He continued cranking on what he thought was cute. "You know you-"

"Just shut up!" A.K. demanded wildly fighting the urge to hurt. "You're all about two inches from being killed for being so goddamned motherfucking annoying!"

They all stopped and stared at the man with the potty-mouth. Sirius was trying to hide behind Remus and use him as a shield.

"Thank you," A.K. stated as his headache started to lessen. "Now, will one of you, just one, tell me why you think I might be here."

James' pompous voice broke the silence. "Perhaps it's because-"

"Not you!" A.K. said as he pointed at the young man. "You're almost always wrong. Remus, give me your best theory."

Remus gulped. "Well…"

"Hey!" Lily insisted. "I get better grades and am smarter than Remus!"

A.K. nodded but explained. "Yes but you're a girl currently surrounded by boys. It's in your nature to unconsciously act like a fucking useless ditz. Remus, please?"

Lily huffed to herself, while James rubbed soothing circles into her back.

"Err…" Remus was too scared to openly agree with this scary man but had to admit sometimes he wanted to bite both of those bitches. "Right. Umm, well… we just had a handful of books appear out of nowhere minutes before you showed up."

"What books?" A.K. asked curiously.

Lily smiled and showed him the first one. "This one is called Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. And then it's Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and Prisoner of Azkaban, and Goblet of Fire, and-"

"I get it, I get it!" A.K. yelled to try and quiet the third most annoying redheaded tart he'd ever met. "You're one of those groups, and it's in your nature to be asking for an ass-kicking." A.K. sighed and tried to regain his bearings. "Okay then. Can any of you tell me what Voldemort is up to?"

"Who?" James asked.

"You-Know-Who!" Lily insisted as she smacked James.

James looked at her curiously. "No I don't know who."

"You-Know-Who!" Lily yelled back louder, making it much, much clearer this time.

"Dammit woman," James yelled at her. "Don't you tell me what I do and don't know!"

A.K. sighed and looked at Remus. "You think maybe I'm supposed to kill them?"

"I'd promise to only miss them a little." Remus shrugged. "If at all."

A.K. smiled brightly at Remus. "So ignoring the comedy duo of Faggot and Butt-swell-o over there, what's the Dark Lord up to?"

Remus tried to not pay attention to Prongs and Lils ridiculous shouting match. "Umm… well he's just gotten his reign of terror going. It's no longer just the Aurors and Hitwizards that know about him. Lots of muggle killings, his mark is known, his followers have distinctive masks and are called Death Eaters, and he's in the paper now at least twice a week."

A.K. nodded. "Sounds about right. I think I'll kill him pretty soon here, but I'm not sure why I showed up in this particular room, just before you all got even more annoying."

Remus shrugged. "You'd know better than I would."

James and Lily had stopped arguing when Lily wouldn't shut up, so James smashed his lips up against hers in a kiss.

Lily's eyes glazed over and her voice softened as she stepped back. "That was… that… was…"

"Yes, my little tiger Lily?" James cooed.

"That was sexual harassment!" Lily yelled at the top her lungs. "Rapist! He's a rapist!"

A.K. hadn't decided to end their miserable existence just yet, as people that reach this high a level of depravity deserve the complete and total hell of a life together, more than they deserve the sweet mercy of death. So he cast a pair of silencing charms on them.

"Thanks," Remus said with a frustrated nod. "Of course that means now I definitely have to read this first chapter out loud."

Sirius looked up as a newcomer walked into the bedroom. "Hey Peter! You got the popcorn! Now we can get started on these books."

"Avada Kedavra!" A.K. called out joyously finally understanding why he was here.

Peter crumpled to the floor dead, luckily not spilling the popcorn.

"That was what I needed," A.K. said with a satisfying sigh. "Goodbye. Hopefully forever." And with a pop A.K. was gone from James Potter's bedroom.

Remus' mouth quirked a bit. "He didn't like Peter much, did he?"

Lily just had wide eyes seeing her Hogwarts' housemate killed, while James took advantage of the distraction to cop a feel.

Sirius frowned a bit and shook his head. "You know for being our best friend, I don't think we liked Peter too much either."

"Odd that," Remus nodded, "but true."


A.K. subtly and silently followed the fresh-out-of-Hogwarts Lucius Malfoy. It took him a couple days but eventually he was able to follow him to the undiscovered secret hideout of the incumbent Dark Lord in his first, and hopefully only, rise.

A.K. made himself visible and calmly walked right behind Lucius into the throne room. A.K. was surprised to see how much more human the Dark Lord looked. He certainly didn't seem to command respect or carry himself with the confidence he would in the future. "Dark Lord Voldemort?"

Lucius stumbled forward clutching his heart not having had any idea there was someone behind him.

"Lucius," the still wet behind the ears, Dark Lord Voldemort asked cautiously. "Who's your friend?"

Lucius' eyes were wide and he was shaking his head about to explain himself when he didn't need to.

"I'm not his friend." A.K. offered with a small smile. "I've just been following him so that he might lead me to you. He's horribly inept at hiding his loyalties. It really is disappointing."

Voldemort narrowed his eyes at Lucius' complete lack of decorum. "So you have been seeking me out?" Voldemort asked intrigued. "And what is it that you have to offer me?"

A.K. grinned happily, stretching the scars across the side of his face. "Well, I happen to have come across knowledge of a prophecy that I thought might interest you."

"A prophecy?" Voldemort asked awfully pleased with himself. He knew that you'd really made it when the almighty powers stood up and took notice of your work like this. "What does it say?"

A.K. began tapping his chin. "I can get an exact recording later, but I remember most of it. It started, The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord-"

"Lucius," Voldemort ordered immediately. "Do something right for once, and copy this down before I curse you."

Lucius scrambled to get a quill, ink, and parchment.

"Err," A.K. paused and made a show of acting baffled. "Here's where it got weird. It was, The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord, a lying, conniving son of muggle man who just pretends to be a Dark Lord," A.K. stopped and pursed his lips. "Hmm… you know this can't possibly mean you now that I think about it."

"No," Voldemort looked both ways acting a bit shifty. "No, of course not. But in the future, in case I ever ally myself with this… umm… made-up Dark Lord fellow, I should still know this. So by all means, please continue."

"Alright," A.K. smiled pleasantly at Voldemort. "A half-blood bastard he will be, from a filthy muggle orphanage to Hogwarts Head Boy class of 1944-45."

"Master?" Lucius asked as he was furiously scribbling. "Weren't you a student around that-"

"Crucio!" Voldemort hissed. "Be quiet Lucius. And keep writing."

"Where was I?" A.K. said looking up trying to remember all of this supposedly ancient prophecy. "Oh yes, it went back and repeated itself a bit. The one with the power to vanquish the pretend Dark Lord will be sent by the Founder to cleanse his line, to completely and utterly humiliate him, and bring him back as an ugly puppy for his ancestor to kick for all eternity." A.K. finished. "Or something close to that."

Voldemort was licking his thin, vaguely reptilian lips nervously. "And uhh… where by chance did you hear this prophecy?"

A.K. nodded. "Oh it was from Rowena. I interrupted an argument between her and Salazar, and she went into a trance, had a little fit, and gave this prophecy. When Salazar realized what it meant and that I was capable of complete control over time magics, he sent me to his future, though still it's my past. He begged me to refuse to allow his line to be sullied with muggle blood. And he wanted everyone descended from Slytherin, not of pure blood to be terminated with extreme prejudice, and in particular he wanted me to bring him the faker Dark Lord so he could dissect him for Potions ingredients and to test curses on." A.K. shrugged. "He told me he would rather his line die out with dignity, than for it to be riddled with dirty blood."

"Really?" Voldemort was getting more and more nervous. "That's quite a tale."

"It is," A.K. agreed. "And so I started by collecting up all of these horcruxes." A.K. explained showing off a destroyed family ring, Hufflepuff's Chalice, the now broken locket, and an extremely burnt diary. A.K. watched Voldemort's eyes widen comically. He went for effect and began speaking in parseltongue. "And by my understanding, there's only the matter of a certain snake remaining before Salazar gets his puppy."

Voldemort gulped at how quickly all his efforts had become useless. And he was disappointed to imagine that his Mum didn't love him, his Dad obviously didn't love him, and now even his hateful, spiteful, all-powerful ancestor thought so little of him too.

"Now," A.K. continued calmly in parseltongue. "I'm not opposed to a noble end to the dirty branch of the Slytherin line if you'd like. You don't have to spend eternity as the butt of a joke. Salazar will be disappointed but as long his line is pure, I can make him understand."

"Very well." Voldemort nodded, resigned to his fate. "I thank you for this. Nagini, sweetie? Come here." He gathered up his snake into his arms and was hugging her. He looked at A.K. hopefully. "Can you safely ensure my soul moves on?"

A.K. was biting his tongue, unable to believe how lacking in cunning this Voldemort was. He nodded solemnly. "I can. And you should know you're bringing honor and dignity back to the noble name of Slytherin."

Voldemort nodded as a tiny tear fell from his eye. He was lovingly squeezing his pet serpent tightly as he whispered, "I love you, my precious." And with a thunderous splat, the Dark Lord Voldemort and his snake exploded in a shower of fleshy gore. A.K. hurriedly cast a spell making sure there was nothing keeping Voldemort's soul from moving on.

"Master?" Lucius asked uncertainly.

All the other Death Eaters were looking around confused. "Where'd he go? What's going on? Why's my mark tingling?"

A.K. was just smiling and shaking his head in amazement. "First time that's ever happened."

Severus Snape, apparently out of school for the summer, looked at A.K. hopefully. "Will you be our new Dark Lord?"

"Avada Kedavra!" A.K. answered immediately hitting Snape right between the eyes. He smiled a little to see him fall to the ground lifelessly.

"Yay!" All the other Death Eaters rejoiced at their new leader.

"I gotta get out of this fucked up world," A.K. said as he hurriedly cast the magic the flickered him out of sight and away from this particular perversion of normalcy.


WORLD #314 – The One with a Little Too Much Crossing Over

"A cave?" A.K. moaned. "I'm in a bloody cave?"

"Who the hell are you?" A dangerous man demanded as he made himself known. He was holding a staff in one hand, and held a sword out in front of him, waiting to strike.

"That depends," A.K. nodded, recognizing the signs of an actual warrior. "Who the hell are you?"

The man slammed the butt of his staff into the ground and a wind blew his cloak behind him dramatically. "I am Harold the Grey, Jedi Master, honorary X-Man, and am known as Emrys among the Elves."

A.K. sighed and relaxed immediately as the tension left his body. "Oh Jesus fucking Christ."

Harold the Grey pushed a button on his sword and the bottom of it snapped and fizzled turning into a glowing, loudly humming, light saber.

"You're serious, aren't you?" A.K. asked looking at the man incredulously. "No claws?"

Snikt.

A.K. just laughed at the man, and held up his hands to show he wasn't here to attack. "Harold the Grey? Were you by chance born Harry Potter?"

Harold's eyes narrowed as he inched closer brandishing the claws on his hand holding the staff. "Who told you that name, Bub?"

A.K.'s laughter was beginning to sound rather depressed. "It's my name too, so it's not exactly a state secret."

"So are you..." Harold paused and tried to think of a logical conclusion. "Are you Harold the White, then?"

A.K. looked at the man. "Do I look particularly whitish?"

The man frowned. "No, not especially."

"Nevermind," A.K. assured him. "You can call me A.K., Harry-"

The man stiffened. "Harold the Grey, please."

"Really?"

The man frowned. "Yes, really. I wouldn't care to keep the name my father gave me."

"What did James ever do to you?" A.K. asked curiously.

Harold the Grey scowled. "Lord Janus, Prince of the Vampires, left me a legacy of abuse of his people."

"Are you fucking shitting me?" A.K. looked at Harold the Grey incredulously. "Vampire Prince? What the hell was mum?"

"Child of Gaia, Lady Minai Mellon Eowyn Morningstar?" Harold the Grey asked curiously. "I believe she was part seraphim and part-"

"It doesn't matter," A.K. interrupted feeling more than a little sick. "And I don't think I want to know. How's your Voldemort situation?"

Harold furrowed his brow. "The dark wizard who killed my parents?"

A.K. nodded half-expecting this. "That's the one."

"To be honest," Harold explained. "I've been a bit caught up in a different war lately, and haven't been paying a lot of attention to the horribly biased and corrupt wizarding society."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," A.K. nodded. "Buncha ruddy useless uncaring unfeeling louts. Yada yada yada."

"Come to think of it," Harold began to recollect. "I think there was talk of him perhaps joining with my other enemies in the Axis powers."

"Excuse me?" A.K. asked more than a tad shocked.

Harold the Grey nodded sagely. "Yes, the war between good and evil. Many of the worst elements have bonded together under a singular banner of evil and destruction."

A.K. looked at Harold oddly. "And they call themselves the... Axis powers? Did they choose that name for themselves?"

"Yes they did," Harold nodded. "I always referred to them as something with 'dastardly' in the title until they properly organized and named themselves."

A.K. began thinking he wanted out of this world soon. "And you believe Voldemort may be joining this… Axis of evil?"

Harold the Grey explained, "According to some reports, yes. Why? Do you think I should be worrying more about him?"

"He did murder your folks and hundreds or thousands of others," A.K. suggested. "Who else you got that's so terrible as to be keeping you busy with this Axis?"

"Sauron, Darth Vader, and Magneto have been pooling their collective resources creating Mutant Orc Storm Troopers and training them in the ways of the Sith." Harold explained.

A.K. nodded slowly and reluctantly. "Well, let's just make sure Voldemort doesn't join them and throw any more magic into that mix."

"Actually you know," Harold began to explain. "There isn't any magic yet in them. It's all the Force, mutant powers, and-"

"Slow down," A.K. stopped him. "I don't give two shits about that. I just want to see Voldemort dead."

"You have too much emotion clouding your judgment," Harold argued sagely. "You must focus yourself before making such decisions with the lives of your enemy."

"Murdered? Parents?" A.K. reminded.

"Oh very well," Harold the Grey agreed. "I will call my Elven allies and we will set a trap. I believe Voldemort has been only sending representatives to deal with the Axis. We will surround his first planned personal negotiation."

"Trap, eh?" A.K. smiled. "Now we're talking my language."


The allies were assembled. Several Elven clans were represented, with numerous scouts positioned along the tops of the trees. They could move effortlessly and soundlessly through the forest at speeds a man running on the ground would be hard-pressed to match. The tenseness of the moment could not be seen on the impassive faces of the highly trained Elven warriors. Or at least most of them.

"Lord Cloudjumper Starbeam," Harold the Grey tried to mollify his friend. "I'm sure he meant nothing by it. You must excuse the crudeness of his uncultured way of life."

Lord Cloudjumper Starbeam just huffed and retreated to speak with his squadron leaders.

"A.K. please," Harold pleaded. "Must you antagonize everyone?"

A.K. grinned. "Well they're all just so danged pretty, I can't help myself."

Harold frowned while a young Hobbit assisted prepping Harold the Grey's weapons for battle.

"Now are you really sure Voldemort is coming?" A.K. asked doubtfully.

Harold nodded getting a touch irritated. "Yes, for the last time. I made sure of it when I tapped into the Force and used Legilimency through Cerebro to locate him through our scar connection. He is preparing his men for what he believes to be a meeting and alliance."

A.K. sighed realizing he was out of his depth in this particular world. "If you say so. Hey, you know where I could get an explosive-tipped arrow? I mean I got this fancy schmancy bow and just a bunch of poison-tipped or armor-piercing arrows. And I'd rather they just went BOOM." A.K. finished wildly flailing his arms and screaming the last word.

"Very well," Harold concurred. "Let me use my transmutantation power over the Force and see if I can make one." Harold wrapped his fist around the tip of an arrow and focused himself.

Snikt.

"Whoops," Harold grinned sheepishly. "Wrong power." A loud hum and snap of a light saber being engaged came next. He laughed weakly. "Closer that time. Third times the charm." A big swirl of magic exploded from between his fingers and the arrow lit up brightly before receding to reveal a large cartridge just behind the sharp point of the arrow. "There you go. That should just about appease your appetite for destruction."

"Excellent," A.K. smiled. "That's what I like to hear."

The Hobbit's eyes were wide. "Master Harold! You bear the claws of the devil!"

"Shit," Harold the Grey cursed. "Forgot you were there, young Hobbit." Harold did his best to quietly mumble "obliviate" while he slowly waved his hand in front of the Hobbit. "I do not bear the claws of the devil."

"You do not bear the claws of the devil," the glassy-eyed Hobbit monotonously repeated back.

Harold tried to subtly glance at A.K. while he waved his hand in front of the Hobbit again. "You will forget everything you have seen in the past few minutes."

"I will forget everything I have seen in the past few minutes," parroted the Hobbit.

Harold smiled up at A.K. and said, "There we go. All settled."

A.K. just stared at Harold for a moment making the Jedi Master wizard a bit uncomfortable.

Harold acted innocent and raised a curious eyebrow as a silent inquiry.

A.K. maintained his stare, letting him sweat. He finally just said, "You know I could hear you cast obliviate, right?"

Harold refused to meet the man's eyes. "I'm certain you must be mistaken. Nevertheless, Voldemort will be here in less than a minute. Let's get into position."

The many allies were in a circular position on higher ground. This was the perfect place and location for an ambush. Making sure the silencing charms around there areas were secure, they all readied themselves. With a pop and large swirl of magic, Voldemort appeared with approximately 25 other Death Eaters.

"They're here!" Harold redundantly announced. "On my mark, cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war! Three, two,-"

And he never did get to one, because right next to him, A.K. sent off his explosive-tipped arrow directly towards Voldemort's unprotected back. All of the Elven archers just sat there stupidly, watching it slam through the Dark Lord's back and spear his heart out the other side, moments before exploding in a shower of gore.

"Got him!" A.K. cheered loudly.

They readied themselves for a proper attack volley, when all of the Death Eaters collapsed onto the ground clutching at their arms as their Dark Marks sucked the very life and magic from them. Screams of pain and terror echoed around the forest as the smell of burnt flesh and rapidly decayed repugnant bodies were all that remained after the Dark Mark ensured Voldemort's marked servants followed him into death.

A.K. smacked Harold on the back heartily. "You sure know how to throw an ambush party. Nice work, Harold." A.K. looked a little closer at the largest recognizable pieces of flesh that remained of Voldemort and nodded to himself. "But I think it's high time I got the hell out of here. Good luck with that Axis thing." A.K. waved as he began casting his dimension traveling magic.

Harold wasn't paying much attention to A.K., merely shaking his head at the ease with which their foe was defeated. He was mumbling to himself. "That was worse than the first Death Star."

A nearby elf put his hand over his heart and addressed A.K. proudly. "It has been an honor serving with-"

A.K. dismissed the pretty boy with a wave and felt damn good to be leaving as he flickered out from this world for the last time.