The Beach
Shepard shaded her eyes as she looked out across the rolling blue surf to the horizon. The Sun was high in the pristine blue sky. She had a sense of knowing this place but not being able to place it.
"Am I dying," she said to someone standing a little way behind her.
"I do not believe so, I certainly hope not or that will make our success very uncertain," the tall woman moved to stand next to Shepard.
She was dressed in long white robes, almost iridescent, and her features reminded Shepard of someone.
"This is the same beach," Shepard turned her back on the water's edge and its gently breaking surf to study the cliffs that provided a stunning backdrop to the wide expanse of white sand.
"Yes, but there will be no…" the woman hesitated, "nightmare reliving this time."
"So it happened… not just a mash up of all the memories the beacons put in my head."
"They are not just memories from the beacons," again the women paused studying Shepard before continuing, "you really do identify as Shepard, as human, it would be so much easier if I could wake you now but you are too strong for me… even now."
Shepard was confused, but somewhere in the depths of her mind not surprised, "I am Shepard… and what do you mean not just from the beacon." Shepard felt a searing pain in her head so severe she had to lean forward and placed her hands on her knees taking deep breaths.
"Calm… Shepard… we cannot talk about too much. You are not ready and we have little time."
"Who the fuck are you and where the hell am I," as the pain dissipated Shepard straightened up and this time when she looked at her companion she recognised who it was.
"Benezia…" Shepard could hear the relief in her voice and took a deep breath before continuing, "dream… I'm having a dream, I'm under for the operation."
"You are partly right. I have tried but I have not been able to reach you since the night of your bonding to… Liara," they began walking up the beach side by side, "but this is not a dream Shepard. You have to start waking up, you all do or we will not be ready."
Shepard tried to process what was happening and what her companion was talking about but nothing connected. A fear started to surface, something that had been eating at her for some time.
"I'm… when you said I really think I'm human, Shepard… you mean I'm not," she stopped and looked at the women, "am I one of them… indoctrinated… am I a Reaper," she barely whispered the last few words.
Benezia put her hands on Shepard's shoulders and almost seemed to shake her as she spoke, "No, never think that… you are the very antithesis… you, we have been fighting them since the beginning, since their betrayal."
Shepard could feel the intensity of the woman's words feel them burn but everything was growing dark and she felt light headed.
"Listen to me Shepard… you must hold on… you must wake up…"
Shepard felt the soft sand on her back, the swish of the surf and the clean ozone filled air filled her head as she drifted away.
Medical wing, T'Soni private mansion, Thrassican Republic, Thessia
Faces and muffled sounds. Shepard tried to focus on them, to hold onto them but drifted away. Then she was aware of someone close, hand on her shoulder, more muffled sounds.
Opening her eyes again the group of faces where still around the bottom of the bed. Blue, violet, white and brown, clearer this time but still hard to bring into focus.
"Shepard," the voice close to her unmistakable.
"Thirsty…" Shepard said before the recognition of how desperately she needed water was a fully formed thought.
Turning her head slightly the familiar blue face drifted into view and even in Shepard's state she recognised the concern and worry etched in her bondmate's face.
"M'k," Shepard tried to speak but everything was so heavy.
Liara traced her lips with an ice cube, "you can't have a drink yet my darling but everything went well… rest now."
The room drifted away and she slipped once again into unconsciousness.
Some time later
Shepard realised she could breathe again. Moving her head to the left and bringing her eyes into focus she saw Liara sleeping in the chair next to her bed. Shepard was in an almost upright position so had a good view of the room which was darker now and seemed to be empty of faces.
Turning her attention back to Liara she studied her bondmate's face noting the dark areas under the eyes and sallow cheeks. The bruising around Liara's neck brought a rush of rage and another feeling that was so unfamiliar to Shepard she could barely name it for what it was, shame.
Liara stirred and her eyes flickered open. Seeing Shepard was awake Liara sat up and reached out a hand to her lover's face.
"Hey you," Shepard said in a barely audible croaky whisper followed by a dry swallow.
Liara gave her a wan smile and reached for a drinking cup placing the straw to Shepard's lips, "are you comfortable?"
Shepard nodded a little and as her eyes rested again on Liara's neck a question burst from her lips on the tide of rage that rose in her once again, "where's Shiala."
Liara, it seemed to Shepard, blushed and one of her hands went to her neck as if to shield the bruising from view.
"Dead."
"How, when…"
"I… please can this wait," Liara looked away and Shepard saw tears in her eyes, "I need to…"
Shepard felt the rage and anger that had fuelled her since Illium explode in her head and take control, "are you upset that she's dead," Shepard's voice despite being rough and still lacking its usual strength was laced with cold anger.
Liara moved back in the chair as if she had been struck, shock clearly visible on her face. Tears now streamed down her cheeks, "no Shepard of course not… how could you…"
As Shepard tried to wrangle the unbidden and unwelcome maelstrom of feelings seeming to drive her in that moment she watched Liara leave the room without another word passing between them.
"You may be in a hospital bed but next time you upset my girl I'll break the other side of your face," Aethyta's said in her gruff tone from the doorway to the room, "you need to sort out your shit instead of throwing it at someone who loves you."
Shepard squeezed her eyes shut forcing her feelings down as she had done for months. Forcing everything that wasn't rage, anger and hate behind the wall of ice she'd erected.
Some time later
Shepard sensed someone in the room and opened her eyes a little confused and with no idea how long she'd been asleep. Turning her head to the left the chair was empty and the voice was not Liara's but Miranda Lawson.
"You're making good progress Shepard, but don't push it your body took a beating even before the major surgery you've just had." Miranda was checking one of the machines hooked into Shepard's body.
"How soon can I get up," Shepard concentrated hard and forced her eyes to focus on the dark-haired woman.
Miranda gave a hollow chuckle, "how predictable… to be honest if the nanites do their job I'd like to see you beginning to move around possibly tomorrow… but," Miranda moved closer to the bed and stood in Shepard's eye line, "you have to start dealing with your emotional trauma. Your recovery will be impacted and…"
Shepard cut across the ex-Cerberus agent, the brilliant scientist who had brought her back from the dead and the women who had genetically created Shepard and Liara's son, "I'm surprised you're here…"
Miranda paused before answering and Shepard thought she saw puzzlement on the woman's face, "I don't like to leave a job half done. And apart from the fact I'm not sure anyone the Alliance could have found would have kept you alive it seems to be my role in the new world order to keep bringing you back from the edge of death."
"Mmm, I meant I'm surprised Liara let you set foot in the house let alone Thessia."
"Ah… well lucky for you she prefers to have you alive more than she hates me," Miranda said with a slight smile, "you must be relieved that she was found safe."
"Yeah… seems it was Shiala that got Cerberus in the front door using her connection with Liara," Shepard hadn't meant to say anything and especially to Miranda but the drugs seemed to be removing her filter and even to her own ears the comment carried a hard edge of cold judgement.
Miranda stopped what she was doing and looked hard at Shepard holding her eyes, "this is exactly what I'm talking about Shepard, distorting something that normally you would see clearly," Shepard narrowed her eyes and Miranda continued.
"If you think a couple of estate security guards, Liara and your child's carer were going to be a match for a Cerberus black op even without a seasoned and experienced huntress joining them then your judgement is even more affected than I thought."
Miranda sounded genuinely surprised and Shepard could feel the anger rising, "well it's not as if we didn't know Shiala couldn't be trusted, it should have…"
"Really Shepard I thought better of you," Miranda cut across the sullen looking Commander, "the only thing Shiala was guilty of before she turned up with Cerberus was of sacrificing herself to save Liara and being taken prisoner by the Shadow Broker in the process and of course… being Liara's lover when you were technically dead. I think your fixation on Shiala is more about jealously than any clear and present threat she presented before this happened"
Miranda's words hit home. All the way through the ice wall and into the part of Shepard that knew truth. To the place where she was most broken and in pain, but it was a one-way journey.
"Fuck off Miranda… what the fuck do you know about anything," Shepard turned her head away and stared at the window.
Miranda put down the data pad she had been holding and made her way to the door. As she exited she almost walked into Liara who seemed to have just arrived.
"I'm… sorry Liara I needed to check on her outputs and they said you…" the last thing Miranda wanted was a confrontation with Liara.
"Please do not apologise. I am very grateful for what you are doing for her," Liara tilted her head slightly to one side indicating the room, "and I know Shepard is as well whether she shows it or not."
"You heard some of that?"
Liara just nodded and began walking away from the room indicating Miranda join her, "what did you mean about emotional trauma and her recovery?"
Liara had heard pretty much the whole conversation between Shepard and Miranda and was surprised to hear the human doctor challenge Shepard in such strong terms.
They had retreated to Liara's private sitting room where they discussed Shepard's emotional and psychological state since the bombing on Illium and the coup attempt on Arcturus.
Liara had already found out all about her bondmate's physical injuries and didn't need anyone to tell her how much she would be in grief from losing her mother and Jamie; and not knowing what had happened to Liara and their son. But from talking with Miranda and then a conversation with Doctor Chakwas she began to realise how deep the psychological trauma had affected Shepard.
Garrus was spending time with an Asari doctor he had become close with during his time on the estate and Liara was not going to disturb him but she missed his council and of course he had been on board the Normandy so would have had a first-hand view of how Shepard was coping.
She would speak to him when he was back but Liara needed to face the fire of Shepard's wrath, some of which was deserved, and try to reach her lover as soon as possible.
Morning, T'Soni private residence, Thrassican Republic, Thessia
Liara had made another call the previous evening and she replayed the conversation through her mind as she walked to medical centre and Shepard's room.
"Why did you hide how badly Shepard had been affected from me Lady Nara? You joined with her so you much have seen her pain?"
"Liara, you have barely been back with us for three days… you need to regain your own strength before…"
"I do wish people would stop treating me as if I were a child or worse… that I am weak," Liara was angry during the call but much more from fear for Shepard's emotional state than how others perceived her.
"She will recover Liara, if she allows herself to get the help she needs."
"What can I do to reach her?"
Liara had reached the door to Shepard's room and thoughts of her conversation faded away. She looked in and the bright morning sun was shining onto the bed in shafts of dancing, mote filled light.
"Hey," Shepard said softly with a nod as Liara entered the room.
Liara moved to the side of the bed and kissed her bondmate on the forehead, "I have just spoken with your Doctors and they say you can get up and move around a little. So, I have brought you some clothes," she placed the t-shirt and sweat pants on the bottom of the bed.
Shepard tried to muster a smile, "I might need some help."
For the next few minutes Liara helped Shepard get dressed. Liara fought back tears seeing how ravaged her lover's body was. Shepard had lost a lot of muscle and the new scars from both the explosion and the operation were even more accentuated by the red glow from the cybernetic nanites that were aiding her lovers' recovery.
Liara knelt in front of Shepard to help her on with soft running shoes and glanced up to look into her bondmate's face.
The usually vibrant green eyes looked dull and unfocused and Shepard's actions getting dressed had been almost mechanical.
Just as Liara was about to stand up Shepard seemed to come back from wherever her mind had taken her and searched Liara's face, "I'm lost Lee and I…"
At that precise moment someone came into the room and Shepard lapsed once more into silence.
"I've brought the hover-chair Lady Liara," it was one of the medical team and Liara schooled her features to hide her frustration.
"Thank you, I can manage from here," as Liara spoke she stood and stepped back waiting for Shepard to move.
After some protestations from Shepard about using the hover-chair Liara managed to get her to agree to use it just until they were out in the open. They left the house in silence heading for the formal gardens.
The sunshine was so bright Shepard was grateful for the baseball cap and pulled it lower over her eyes. The newly replaced cloned eye was still covered with a dressing and felt vulnerable.
They had only moved a little way along one of the central paths that dissected the huge area at the rear of the house when Shepard stopped the chair and stood up.
"I need to walk," Shepard said gruffly readying for the argument she expected from Liara.
"Of course my love," Liara said softly moving to fall into step alongside her bondmate.
Liara felt the silence between them keenly, it was as heavy and oppressive as the heat and knowing the weather as she did it meant there was a storm coming.
'What will I do if we cannot weather this storm between us', Liara thought miserably.
Shepard was moving much more slowly than her usual pace which was to be expected but Liara also noticed her lovers' hands balled into fists so hard her knuckles were white, and her jaw set so tight Liara could see the muscles twitching.
Normally they would reach to hold each other's hand or link arms, have some form of physical contact without even consciously thinking about it, but Liara felt the emotional distance between them as a physical chasm she could not reach across.
When they reached a raised pool, one of many that punctuated the main paths running through the gardens, Shepard stopped and lifted a handful of the cool, clear water to the back of her neck.
Leaning forward her hands resting on the edge of the pristine white stone Shepard stared into the unexpected depth, "One of the natural springs," it was an observation and not a question.
As Shepard looked past the surface reflection she had the sensation of being pulled down under the surface then an instant later she was trapped and unable to catch her breath panic flooding her mind.
Shepard's body responded physically to the remember trauma and her breath became ragged, a cold sweat forming on her brow, suddenly she was in space gasping her last breath.
Shepard started at the touch of a hand on her forearm and her mind was back in the garden; the sound of birdsong, the scent of summer on the warm air and sunlight glinting off the still surface of the pool.
Liara wanted to reach out and hold her bondmate, wanted to ease her obvious suffering but stood frozen to the spot not even knowing what to say.
Shepard stood upright and moved back from the pond and Liara knew what she had to do, "let us carry on with our walk, this way."
Liara indicated one of the side paths and they began walking again. This new path was flanked by tall purple leaved trees throwing welcome shade on the grass path between the rows and that ran in a straight line into the distance.
Liara stopped and spoke softly, "Do you remember the last time we were here?"
Shepard looked at Liara and then at her surroundings as if seeing them for the first time. Looking back at Liara she was still trying to understand what Liara was asking but then a memory came back to her.
White blossom on the trees falling like snow, her son testing his unruly toddling legs, the look of love and desire in Liara's eyes.
A wave of emotion threatened to overwhelm her and as she had been doing since being pulled from the rubble on Illium she turned the emotion into anger.
"Why the hell did you think bringing me here would be a good idea Liara," Shepard heard the cold edge to her voice but felt far away.
Liara was stung by Shepard's reaction but took a deep breath and reached for her bondmate's hands and was relieved that Shepard let her hold them.
"I need to show you what happened," Liara's voice began to falter, uncertainty nagging at the corners of her mind. Was this really a good idea? She hadn't had time to talk it through with anyone.
Shepard looked confused, "show me what," and then understanding dawned, "no… no I can't…" She let go of Liara's hands and turned away.
There was no way she would share her mind with Liara, not yet. Liara would see, would know how Shepard had failed her and their son.
Liara felt as if a cold hand had closed around her heart. Shepard had never refused to join her consciousness with Liara before. As bondmate's it was acceptable to join without even asking in Asari society.
"Shepard, please," Liara's voice cracked with emotion and tears streamed down her cheeks.
Shepard heard the pain in her lover's voice and turned back. Seeing the tears something shifted inside her and she moved quickly to stand close to Liara reaching out to gently brush away the tears.
"I'm lost in the darkness Lee," her voice almost a whisper, "I don't know how to get back…"
Liara reached for Shepard's hands and before her courage failed her she said with as much confidence as she could find, "then let me lead you back, trust me my love, embrace eternity."
Shepard felt herself being pulled into a joining of her consciousness and Liara's. The gardens faded away and then she was standing in the apartment on Illium next to Liara.
"A memory," Shepard said or thought she wasn't sure which.
She felt Liara's anger, fear, pain and grief through the bond and was almost overwhelmed by the surge of powerful emotions but before she could decide to do anything the events began to play out.
Shiala's trickery, so fast that Liara had no time to react. When Kai Leng appeared Shepard felt all the rage she was holding multiply as she watched him kill Jamie without hesitation as if her cousin was nothing more than an insect.
Her son's cries, Liara's grief and helplessness a perfect reflection of Shepard's own feelings. The feelings she'd locked away. The final moment before the memory faded away filled with her son's fear.
The join faded away. Standing in the warm Thessian summer air Shepard and Liara stood holding hands and looking into each other's eyes. They saw their own pain reflected back. Shepard felt the earth shifting beneath her as a storm of emotion took hold, she had no idea what to do with the sadness, the emptiness where her mother, her son and Jamie used to be.
Shepard started shaking as deep body racking sobs escaped her body and Liara pulled her into a tight embrace.
Liara had no idea how long she had been holding her bondmate as Shepard let the pain she had been blocking flood her mind. At some point they had sat down on the warm grass, but Shepard remained leaning into Liara who kept her arms tightly wrapped around her vulnerable lover.
"It's all my fault," Shepard said quietly her face resting against Liara's chest.
Liara gave her lover a squeeze, "no my love you must not think like that, if anyone is to blame it is…"
Before Liara could finish Shepard pulled away so she could look into the tear stained and grief stricken face of her bondmate, "No, never say that Lee, don't even think it."
Moving her position Shepard held Liara's eyes, "I taunted Harper, threatened him, defied him. And for some reason didn't give a second thought to what he might try to do… I was over confident, reckless and I put you, our son and everyone else close to me in the firing line."
"You could say the same of me. All the resources of the Shadow Broker at my disposal and all I know of Cerberus and I too failed to look hard enough for the threat," Liara dropped her eyes to the ground and her voice was heavy with emotion as she continued, "but you were right when you said I let Shiala past our defences… everyone told me she was dangerous and I did not listen."
Shepard could sense Liara's guilt and the pain that stemmed from it, her bondmate looked and sounded completely miserable. Lifting Liara's chin with her fingers so that they were once again looking into each other's eyes Shepard said, "No Lee, you were loyal and compassionate to someone who had been prepared to give their life to save you. None of us knew how devious she'd been and to be honest my feeling's and I suspect Aria's as well were driven more by jealousy than any actual evidence that Shiala wanted to hurt you."
Shepard pulled her miserable looking lover into a strong embrace and then said gently, "where is she babe?"
Liara shuddered and knew she had to tell Shepard all of it and what she had to do to get her chance of escape. Show Shepard how her body and mind had betrayed her when she responded to Shiala's attempts at a sexual meld and how she had destroyed the older Asari's mind before killing her.
"I will show you," Liara said her voice breaking with emotion.
Shepard nodded and Liara showed her everything. As with the shared memory of what happened on Illium Liara felt Shepard's murderous rage when she saw Shiala which only intensified when Shiala laid hands on Liara.
Liara pulled them out of the meld just after she had disposed of Shiala's body and said in an almost inaudible whisper, "I murdered her Shepard, I lost all control…"
Shepard rubbed Liara's back in a comforting movement, "hey it's ok, what she did to you, to our son, you have nothing to reproach yourself for."
But Shepard knew that was not who her bondmate was. She would kill in battle of course, in defence of those who stood with her or to achieve an objective yes, but not in cold blood.
No, that was how Shepard behaved, the butcher to Torfan, murderer of prisoners, setting herself as judge and executioner. Shepard pushed away those thoughts and focused back on her bondmate.
Liara pushed away a little so she could look into Shepard's eyes, "but I am not sorry she is dead, Shepard, I think I would do it again if she was standing in front of me… I am afraid that I am that other version of myself and I cannot control her."
"We all have a dark side Lee," Shepard sighed knowing how trite and banal her words sounded and tried again, "that version of you is part of your personality taken to an extreme, without the brakes of all the other stuff… your compassion, your trust, a strength that comes from love and not hate."
Shepard felt the rush of exhaustion she had been holding back finally overtake her and she rested her forehead on Liara's.
"I must get you back to the house my love I have exhausted you," Liara said as she stood up and helped Shepard to her feet.
"No, I'll be ok in a minute."
"We are returning to the house and you will have some food then rest and no arguments."
Liara sounded much more like her usual self so Shepard didn't argue, although she wasn't sure she could have argued even if she wanted to.
