Chapter 9


Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

You're breaking me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent

"Bent", matchbox twenty


Horatio met Alexx outside the elevator in the lobby. "Alexx."

"Horatio," she said, nodding.

"Is he ready?"

She narrowed her eyes at him and replied, "No, but I guess it doesn't matter now, does it?"

"Alexx…" he said, trailing off. She still gave him the same look. "It's not me you're mad at," he said, finally.

She sighed, the tension in her face sliding away. "No, it's not. But you're the one I'm gonna lecture, so pay attention."

"Always," he said.

"Timmy is awake, he's cleaned up, and he's up there in the sun room. He's also petrified. He's scared that he's not going to be able to answer everyone's questions. And he's terrified that you're going to be mad at him or disappointed in him, or that Stetler is not going to believe that he just plain does not remember everything," she said.

"I'm not going to be mad," he said. "Or disappointed."

"You know that and I know that and I tried to tell him that. But you know him, Horatio. You know how he gets, you know how he's always half desperate for approval, and you know he always thinks everything is his fault. Even more so, right now," she sighed.

"I know."

"He's not…he's a lot more like the stray Sean dragged home right now than Tim. You understand what I'm saying?" she asked.

"I do," Horatio nodded. "I noticed that, too."

"Ok, then," Alexx nodded back. "Oh, and also keep in mind that even at the best of times, Timmy gets tongue-tied when he's flustered. Between the meds and the fact that talking is just plain physically difficult at the moment, he's having an especially hard time talking fluidly right now even if he's not flustered. So be patient and calm. It might be best if you don't just walk in there and ask open ended questions about things. It would probably be better to start with confirming things you know, and just ask him to fill in the details instead of expecting him to tell the whole story start to finish. That's also going to be easier on his mouth. He really can't talk without stopping for any real length of time at the moment," she warned.

"I know. I'm going to try and keep what he has to say to a bare minimum. It's not a deposition, it's a witness statement. We can do most of the talking for him," he replied.

"Ok, good," she said, glancing over his shoulder. "Well, then."

He turned to find Stetler striding up to them. "Horatio, Dr. Woods," Stetler said in greeting.

"Rick," Horatio nodded.

"Are we doing this upstairs?" Stetler asked.

"Yes, Tim's upstairs," Alexx said. "You will be patient and you will be gentle with him, Detective Stetler, you hear me?" she said sternly.

"Yes, ma'am, I do," Stetler replied easily. "I have no intention of making this any more difficult than it needs to be."

"You had better not," Alexx warned.

"Alexx," Horatio said quietly. The last thing he needed right now was Alexx locked into a standoff with IAB. He understood, and he was sympathetic to her mama bear tendencies where Speed was concerned- hell, he knew he could be equally overprotective. But right now, it was counterproductive.

"Right," she sighed. "I need to go to the lab," she said, turning to him. "Will you stay with him when you're done?"

He nodded, feeling guilty. He hadn't been really sharing the hospital duties with Alexx, Calleigh and Tim's family. No one had said anything, and he was sure that they figured it was because he had to keep running the lab. But it was more that the idea of being alone in the room with Speed made his stomach churn and his head ache. It was so hard to watch his friend as a victim. He had no idea how Calleigh and Alexx were possibly coping with it. It seemed beyond his strength, which shamed him.

"Good," Alexx said, nodding firmly. "Calleigh will be here later."

"All right," Horatio said. "I'll talk to you later."

"You'd better," she said, in a tone that plainly told him she wanted to hear every detail of what happened up there. She nodded towards Stetler and walked away.

Horatio hit the button to call the elevator. He and Rick stood quietly until the doors opened. As they stepped in and the doors closed, he turned to Rick and said, "Rick, Alexx is right. The Tim Speedle you're used to dealing with is not really up there right now. He's still in a lot of pain, and talking is very difficult for him right now because of the injuries to his mouth."

Stetler nodded. "I understand that."

"It might be best if we do most of the talking and just ask him for details," Horatio added.

"I think that would be acceptable," Stetler said, nodding.

"Ok, good," Horatio said. "He's probably going to be cooperative- he knows how important this is- but there just might be things he can't tell us. It might be best if I push him, more than you."

"I agree. I was going to mention that," Stetler replied.

Horatio looked at Rick sharply, but the elevator doors opened on the post-op ward before he could reply. He shook his head and started towards the sunroom at the end of the hallway.

Speed was sitting there, looking out the window, his back to the doorway. He seemed smaller than usual to Horatio, and fragile, despite the tension surrounding him. "Speed," he said quietly, not wanting to startle him.

He turned towards them, and Horatio felt, more than saw, Stetler tense as Speed faced them. His face was still something of a mess, although it looked remarkably better to Horatio, who had seen him when the swelling was at its worst. But if you hadn't seen how bad it had been previously, it would be rather surprising. The swelling had largely subsided, but the bruising was still luridly purple around his jaw, and yellowing towards his eyes. He was still rather pale underneath the bruises, and the stitches stood out starkly against the paleness and bruising. He nodded shakily, but didn't say anything.

"How are you feeling, Detective Speedle," Rick said, finding his voice.

"Ok," Speed replied. He didn't look or sound very ok to Horatio, but Speed did have a talent for understatement.

The two men sat down across from him. "Speed, what we're trying to do today is get a handle on some of the details of what happened," Horatio began. Speed nodded.

"This isn't an interrogation, we don't suspect you of any wrongdoing whatsoever," Stetler added.

Speed's face quirked into some semblance of his most cynical expression. It was marred somewhat by the fear in his eyes and the reduced mobility of his face, but Horatio recognized it immediately and groaned inwardly. That was just going to make it more likely that Speed would stonewall. Stetler was unfortunately unlikely to recognize this fact. "I see," Speed said, finally.

"Let's start at the beginning," Stetler said. "You and Detective Duquesne were working on a home invasion case that had some apparent ties to a case you worked on back in 1995, correct?" Speed nodded. "And on Tuesday the 21st, you found something that appeared to be a lead, yes?"

Speed nodded again. "It was an abandoned warehouse that the city now owns," he said slowly, but mostly clearly.

"And so you, Detective Delko and Detective Hagen went to investigate," Stetler said. "When you arrived what did you do?"

"Eric and I arrived first," Tim said. "We drove the perimeter."

"And when Detective Hagen arrived, that's when you went inside?" Tim nodded. "All right," Stetler continued. "From what we understand, it appears you were attacked shortly after entering the building, is this correct?"

Tim swallowed, but nodded. "It…yes."

"What happened?" Horatio asked quietly. Tim looked away and shook his head slightly. "Look at me, Speed," he said, leaning forward to catch Tim's eye. Speed looked up reluctantly. "It's all right. But I need you to focus and tell me what happened," Horatio said, placing a slight emphasis on "me". It might help if he felt like he was telling Horatio directly, without Stetler's involvement.

"I…I don't really…it's hard," Speed said.

"I know it is. Take it one step at a time. You can do this," Horatio said in the same quiet and calm voice. It was a voice he often used with Speed when he was flying off in fifty different directions at once. He hoped that it would help break though his hesitancy now.

Speed closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Without opening his eyes, he said slowly, "We walked in. It was dim. It appeared deserted. I saw something…I don't know what. Eric…Eric said not to get…not to get spooky on him. And then…I don't know, it was fast, I don't know how it happened."

"How Eric was shot?" Horatio asked, seeing that it was going to be necessary to feed some of the details to keep things moving.

Tim nodded jerkily. "I'm not…I'm not really sure what happened next."

"It's ok if you can't give us the exact order of things," Stetler said. "We can piece that together later."

"Um," Speed said. "Uh, there were shots fired."

"At you?" Stetler asked.

"Yeah," Tim said. "And, and then, Hagen started returning fire. And, um…" he trailed off and looked away again, shaking his head.

Horatio gave him a moment to collect himself, but when Speed kept staring vaguely at his hands, he leaned forward again and said, "Speed, I need you to focus, buddy."

Tim shook his head again, but looked up at them. "I, uh…I'm sorry, where were we?" he asked.

Horatio frowned, concerned, as Stetler said, "Hagen returned fire?"

"Oh…" he said. "Um, yeah."

"Did you draw your weapon at that point?" Stetler prompted.

"I…yeah," Speed nodded.

"Did you return fire?" Stetler prompted again.

Speed's attention seemed to wander again. It was clear that he did not want to answer that question. "Tim, look at me," Horatio said, reaching out this time to touch his arm. When he had some semblance of Tim's attention, he continued, "We know you fired your weapon. We found the casings. But we need to hear your version of events."

"I…can't," he whispered.

"You can, " Horatio said. "I know you can. It's over now, you're safe. It's ok. You can tell us."

Speed's eyes screwed shut and his hands began to shake slightly as he seemed to struggle to take a deep breath. Horatio left his hand on Speed's arm and waited. Stetler sat silently, seeming concerned. After what felt like an interminable amount of time, the words suddenly started pouring out of Speed.

"I…I fired back…and my gun…my gun…it went off, it fired, I didn't…I've never…that's never…" his voice caught and the breath he took sounded like half a sob. "only on the range, I'd never actually fired…and I hit someone…I've never…it's never…and then," he said, his eyes opening, but not seeing anything actually in the room. "Hagen went down, there was blood, blood all over. And I tried…something grabbed me…hit me, hit my face…he had a blue tattoo…blue tattoo, and, and…I don't know what…and then it hurt, hurt so much I couldn't…I don't know…I don't remember, I'm sorry, I don't remember, I can't tell you anymore," he finished in a rush, coming back to himself all at once. "I can't tell you anymore." His eyes were wild with fear and he was shaking.

"That's fine," Stetler said, unexpectedly. "I appreciate your talking with us. I know how difficult this was."

Tim blinked, but shrunk back in the chair. "I'm done?"

"Yes, that's enough. I may need you to clarify some things, but that can happen later," Stetler replied. Tim wrapped his arms around himself and nodded. "I hope you feel better soon, Detective," Stetler said, standing up. Tim nodded again, distractedly. He'd gone back to looking out the window. "Horatio, can I have a word?" Horatio looked up, and nodded, following Stetler into the hallway.

Rick looked disquieted as he led Horatio a bit away from the sun room. "Has anyone said when he can come back to work?"

Horatio shook his head. "The best estimate so far is the first of the year. Why?"

"So he hasn't done his post-traumatic yet, then?"

"No, not yet," Horatio replied. "He's had enough going on, and there's no rush to get it out of the way, really, since he won't be medically cleared for awhile."

"Horatio…he needs to talk to someone," Stetler said.

Horatio sighed. "I know." He'd known that for weeks. Months and years, even.

"He cannot go back to duty without some serious help. And I mean more than the post-traumatic. That was a panic attack, Horatio. It almost looked like a flashback. I've got an obligation to mention that to the medical board," Stetler said.

"I know," he nodded. "I wouldn't expect you not to."

"Good, because I wouldn't care. I don't care how much you think I dislike you and your team by extension, but I've got an obligation to the wellbeing of every member of the force, whether you realize that or not. I have seen people who looked like that before, Horatio. I've seen them eat their guns. And they always do it after they're back on duty and have everyone convinced they're fine. I do not need to live through another one of those investigations, Horatio. I won't have it," Stetler said, shaking his head. "He's got more reason than most, and that scares the living daylights out of me, and it should scare them out of you, too."

"It does," Horatio said, quietly, meeting Rick's eyes seriously. "It does very much."

"Good," Stetler said. He glanced away, seeming embarrassed. "If you need something to lean on him with, you can blame me, ok?"

"I'll bear it in mind," Horatio said.

"All right, then," Rick said. "I will talk to you later, then."

"All right," Horatio said. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Rick said, turning to walk down the hall.

Horatio sighed, and turned back to the sun room. He had a friend to care for.