These Are The Words We Used To Say Goodbye…
By Peace_Love_on_Planet_Earth.
Fandom: The Blacklist
Pairing: Lizzington
Summary: Lizzy is relieved Red is safe after trading himself to Kirk. Red is not in a sharing mood (is he ever?) but Lizzy perseveres. Less angst, more fluff.
A/N: Comes directly after 4x08's (Dr Adrian Shaw Conclusion) final scene. After the hug, the frame is too close to see where Lizzy's hands are so for this I've decided she's taken one of his hands. Mentions of 4x06 The Thrushes. Lets allow Lizzy a selfish moment.
Title and subtile are taken from the song Say Goodbye by Beck which was used in this scene. Again this may continue, it may not, trying not to scare away my hesitant muse.
Fun Fact: I used to have a thing about certain people saying my full name, usually within your family/friends you have a nickname or a pet name, my full name became something I associated with negative context so I used to get a physical reaction to hearing it. Now rarely anyone says my full name. I tried to convey that with Red now saying only Elizabeth and no longer saying Lizzy.
I Will Wait, Take a Turn, Sort it out, Let it Burn…
As she turned around the relief was evident on her face, she paused for a second to take him in, to make sure what she was seeing was actually real. She'd seen some things of late. He stood in silence taking in the simple scene of her putting Agnes to bed.
She took a small breath as she turned toward him, 'Oh my God…' He nodded simply smiling one of his smiles reserved only for her.
The morning's pseudo argument for the benefit of the team seemingly forgotten.
'How did you…' She paused walking over to him before standing in front of him, searching his face for traces of what Kirk had done to him. Then she pulled him to her, her arms around his shoulders, his arms pulled her tight circling beneath her arms, his hand resting between her shoulder blades.
For him it was moments like this he cherished the most, suddenly he was flooded with a similar relief. Relief that she was safe, that her tears were gone but most of all that she was happy to see him. He squeezed her gently, if she could see him she would have seen the joy, the relief and love he felt for her. Her soft hair was pressed up against his cheek and for a moment he breathed in her, filling his lungs with her unique scent.
When she let go, he almost held on but she stepped back slightly her hand running down one of his arms taking his hand, her eyes questioning, searching his face for answers,
'Kirk?' She asked simply.
'Gone' He broke eye contact, fixed on something behind her because he didn't want to give her answers.
'Dead?' She asked, he shook his head slightly his gaze still elsewhere.
'Gone.' He repeated pursed his lips and raising his eye brows, in a firm expression of that being the final word.
'I don't understand. How did you…' She replied letting her words die, knowing she wouldn't find the answers she was looking for. His face told her everything.
'It's over.' He still refused to look at her, she searched his face, letting go of his hand, feeling slightly irritated. He glanced over at Agnes, his face changing to a smile,
'May I?' He asked hoping that the change of subject would break the building tension.
'Mmm…' She turned away from him, walking the short distance to the crib as he moved further into the room.
'Come here. Come here. Yea…' Elizabeth murmured as picked up her daughter smiling back at him. She crossed the distance between them, handing Agnes over to him, 'Here you go…' He laughed taking the bundle of blankets looking down at her sweet sleepy face. Agnes cooed, settling into his arms.
'You know, I really believed he was my father.' She told him, both of them gazing down at Agnes in his arms.
'You had every reason to…' He told her, glancing slightly toward her, his thumb stroking Agnes's cheek.
'Except for one.' She look up at him 'You…' She paused 'You told me my father died when I was a little girl. I just…' she moved slightly closer, tongue briefly between her front teeth. 'I guess I didn't want to believe it.' She rocked slightly, a sad smile on her lips.
'I really wanted my dad here, to see her grow up.' she finished softly, the sad smile remaining as she looked down at her daughter.
'He would have wanted that too.' He replied, rocking the now sleeping Agnes in his arms.
'Come… Sit' She gestured toward the other room where the couch was in their makeshift apartment. She didn't take her daughter, allowing him the time he wanted to hold her. He gingerly sat down, careful not to wake Agnes, secretly grateful Elizabeth hadn't taken the child. He watched her sleeping for a moment before glancing up at Elizabeth who was hovering a short distance away.
'Do sit down Elizabeth…' He asked, patting the seat next to him. Suddenly she seem nervous, she sat up against the arm of the couch, tucking one of her legs under herself with her hands in her lap fiddling with the folds of her cardigan.
Now that Kirk had been dealt with and they were safe again there was only one thing left dangling between them. Well more than one but for now this was the only thing that ate at her constantly. It had felt good to be angry with him during The Thrushes case, for him to know she was angry and for everyone else to know it as well. Even if it had been a planned ruse, her anger had been very real. She wanted to punish him for what happened at the church, it burned inside her. The look he had given her during the meeting told her everything.
Whether a ruse or not, he had felt her anger and he knew why. She had told Ressler that it wasn't so much of a ruse after all but then they'd gotten Agnes back and he been taken, traded himself for her. Doing what he always did without question when it came to her safety and yet here she was sitting in a make shift apartment he had made for her family, feeling angry and resentful but also guilty and remorseful for putting him through her death. She would never understand why he constantly put her before himself and maybe that was half the problem. She didn't understand because he wouldn't tell her what she meant to him, what she was to him. She'd told him he shouldn't have come, shouldn't have traded himself and all he had given her were platitudes. She tried to bargain for him, told him she would come for him and she did, she would every time because of this undefinable connection between them.
'He didn't hurt you?' She asked softly, glancing up at his smiling face. his gaze permanently fixed on the sleeping Agnes.
'Nothing I couldn't handle…' He replied, he too glanced up then, their eyes meeting for the first time since they'd sat down, he was smiling, his eyes bright. In truth the cocktail of drugs had been excruciating and the only reason he was sat with her now was because he'd told Kirk something secret, relevant only to the two of them.
Her heart thud heavily in her chest, partly with apprehension. He seemed in a good mood and whether now was the time or not, it weighed on her.
'Listen, about the other night at the church…' She watched him, he stiffened slightly, adjusting Agnes in his arms but he didn't look up at her.
'You already apologised, we don't need to talk about it anymore.' He dismissed lifting Agnes closer, placing his face between hers and her tiny shoulder. He breathed her in remembering Elizabeth at this age, she smelled the same, traces of Elizabeth's floral shampoo against her little hat.
'Please…' There were of a plea in a voice which she somewhat despised. She placed her hand on his arm, the one that supported Agnes's back. She squeezed slightly indicating her need to finish this conversation. He pursed his lips and lowered Agnes back down but he didn't look at her. She left her hand where it was and moved slightly closer.
'Do you know what it's done to me?' She asked in a low voice. He looked up sharply, a frown on his brow.
'These past three years with you, with the task force, going on the run with you and then coming back to what I thought would be death' her voice breaking and she swallowed the lump in her throat that threatened to silence her.
'I would never have let that happen' He interjected his tone firm. He looked at her, their eyes fixed before she closed her own. She placed her hand back in her lap.
'Some things are beyond your control. I know you like to think you've planned for every eventuality but Solomon still gatecrashed my wedding and Agnes still got taken.' She knew he probably thought that was her own fault, she'd faked her death, disappearing beyond the safety of his reach but she also knew he would never say it.
Silence fell between them, both lost in their own thoughts. She was content to take his arm the both of them gazing at the baby when a wave of emotion welled up inside her. To see him like this, to have him be here in this moment, how could she have ever gone along with faking her own death. He would never let anything happen to either of them.
'You have to know that I regret it…' She said then simply, it was almost a whisper but she squeezed his arm hoping that he would believe she was earnest. He swallowed thickly under her gaze, moving his hand to take Agnes's tiny one. He stroked her fingers and she spread them out wide in her sleep.
'It is done now Elizabeth. We cannot undo the past, you have apologised, let's leave it where it is…'
'I can't. How can I when you're still so cold with me, punishing me with indifference…' her voice rose slightly and the baby jumped in her sleep. Reddington made a shushing noise and gently rocked her.
'How am I being cold with you now, you just welcomed me into your home and hugged me. You were relieved to see me after what transpired today. How am I being indifferent?' He questioned in a low tone. She rose from the couch to stand in the middle of the room.
'It doesn't matter, I meant…' she huffed exasperated with how she wasn't explaining properly. she placed her hands on her hips and let out a breath.
The use of her full name on his lips made her feel like she was still being punished. Every time he said it, it made her cringe inside as a reminder of what she had done to him, how she had hurt him. She was his Lizzy, from the very first day she had met him she was Lizzy, never Elizabeth. Now she was only ever Elizabeth and it felt wrong coming from him. That one word ignited every nerve ending. Explaining that to him just seemed childish in the light of everything that happened.
He rose from the couch and crossed the space between them, handing Agnes back to her. The baby moaned slightly before settling back down again.
'I think I should be going, Dembe and I have a dinner across town…' He reached out to stroke Agnes head.
'Thank you for allowing me to hold her' He let his hand drop but didn't meet her eye. She searched his face but all she saw was the usual impassivity he usually wore.
As he turned to leave, collecting his lost hat on the way to the door, she asked,
'Will you ever call me Lizzy again?' Her voice cracked and he paused by the door but didn't turn.
'I don't know Elizabeth…' and then he was gone. She stood in the middle of the room, clutching her baby tears rolling down her face.
