Words can be like knives, they can cut you open…

Fandom: The Blacklist

Pairing: Lizzington

Scene from: 4x22 Mr Kaplan Conclusion.

FIRSTLY: Don't hate me for this chapter! Hopefully you will be pleased! It is from Red's POV because he knows the truth AND in the beginning of S5 Lizzy is SO happy because she thinks she knows the truth. I had to get this angstiness/hurt/comfort out the way so that they can bond more. The hug in this scene is clearly very different, you can see Elizabeth allowing herself to relax and perhaps enjoy it. He never confirms the DNA test, he just allows her to continue to believe it. Tumblr is ruining me of my stance on this pairing and I was never anti by any means but UGH. I thought that this would be the last chapter but it seems I have another in the works.

Secondly: This chapter also enables them to talk more about Cape May which I wanted to follow up with and it is the only scene left in S4 where they are alone and where Lizzy is vulnerable with Red. The scene I've included kills me every damn time. I did struggle with this one, with what to have them say and how to end it and its not a solid chapter imo.

I checked the half life of opium and its around 72hrs to clear your system but if you take a multiple doses or heavier doses it can be longer.

Side note: I am ALLLL for Rederina but until proven otherwise I'm sticking with these missing scenes because SOOO much was left unsaid.

Remember we know the truth too unless you don't…Yet.

**TW: implied suicide attempt

Song is Bloodstream by Stateless. Why use this song in this scene? If you read the lyrics they're definitely not paternal.

And then silence surrounds you, and haunts you…

He was sat reading in a side chair opposite the bed when the knock came. He was alone but expecting her. He opened the door of the seedy motel room, gun in hand. He undid the chain and the lock before opening the door to her. She was pale and grim faced but she handed him a piece of paper as she side stepped passed him and entered the room.

'You, lied to me.' She murmured seemingly saying those words on repeat lately. Sometimes he wondered if she actually wanted to catch him in a lie. She didn't look at him as he gazed down at the slip of paper, wondering what on earth he had lied about now. They had only just gotten over him kidnapping her, a fault which he had apologised for as he held her shuddering body in his arms. She entered the room properly, crossing the floor to stand beside the bed. She turned around to face him as he shut the door ignoring the chain.

'The day we met, you asked how I got my scar. I told you my father gave it to me' He stood facing her, gun in one hand and slip of paper in the other. 'But you knew that already didn't you?' Her tone was soft, non accusatory, her arms by her side.

'What was that you said?' She continued, he made eye contact before opening the piece of paper and looking down at the DNA results, a positive match. Raymond Reddington was her father. His upper lip curled slightly.

'A father who was a career criminal, and a mother who died of weakness and shame.' She finished. He frowned at her and then folded the paper and placed it onto the cabinet beside him with his gun. He put his hands in his pockets, looking up at her. Her face tired and serious but stunningly beautiful. Even now when he sensed a confrontation coming.

'Why didn't you just tell who you were? She shrugged, her voice soft staring him down. 'Why keep it a secret?' She shook her head, squinting at him in incredulity. 'Come into my life, give up everything, go broke trying to protect me and not…' She paused, the words in her mouth. 'Tell me you're my father?' He frowned at her, his lips pursed. He wanted to scream that he wasn't, take all of the sadness that filled her face away.

'Broke is such a harsh word. I prefer illiquid.' He spoke for the first time trying to lighten the mood. She shook her head, clearly hurt the tears already gathering in her eyes.

'What was so awful that you withheld the answer to a question I've been wondering my entire life?' She whispered, nodding slightly, wetting her lips with her tongue, her nostrils flared slightly as she battled with a lifetime of emotion.

'Were you afraid I'd turn out like you?' She asked 'Because, guess what? I am like you. All those times you asked me to think like a criminal, was it a test to see how naturally it came to me?' He blinked back at her as her eyes wandered before returning to him. She nodded 'Because it did… Come naturally… And that terrifies me.' She glanced up briefly before returning her gaze to him. He was frowning back at her, everything inside him told him to stop her, admit the truth now but he couldn't or wouldn't allow himself.

'Elizabeth, if you need to walk away…' He offered, his brows pulled together in a frown giving her a way out. Could he actually let her walk away? Could he now live without seeing every day, could he now live without hearing her laugh, holding her close. Even when she was angry and raging at him, she was still there. He could weather her anger, he could wipe away the tears but could he let her go? The very thought terrified him.

'Walk away?' She scoffed 'Are you serious? How can you be so smart and so clueless?' She shook her head, a humourless smile on her lips. 'Yes I'm terrified, I'm angry. I'm angry at you, at who I am, at the fact that I want to help you despite everything you've done to me and to yourself…' She raised her eyebrows and then frowned 'But anger and fear and… a certain amount of hatred…' She nodded, 'Are all normal in a family.' She paused, tears gathering in her eyes. 'And that's what we are. And I'm not gonna walk away from that.' She confirmed walking towards him, her arms circling around his neck. He closed his eyes and breathed her in. He felt her relax against him, it was different than before. She tucked her chin under his shoulder breathing in his familiar cologne. He reached up, his hand against her hair, he stroked downward.

He knew the truth and yet in that moment having her there in his arms, he couldn't deny her belief.

'There was never anything awful about you, Elizabeth' He said softly against her ear. She pulled away and he instantly regretted saying anything. She stepped back and sat down on the edge of the bed, her elbows on her knees as she massaged her temples.

'Then why not tell me? It's been four years, I asked you in the beginning and you said no. That was a direct lie.' She asked softly, her voice breaking slightly on the word lie. He swallowed and sat back in the chair. How was he going to explain this without admitting the truth. Dembe had kept saying that he should tell her, Kate had said he should tell her but in the face of it, he just couldn't. Something had changed in her, if this gave her peace then why should he deny it right now.

Could this be considered a calculated move? He mused, allow her to believe in a lie in order to throw her off the scent of something else? Or was this just a plain lie? He knew she hated being lied to, that was a Tom thing and yes he evaded the truth, dodged it, skirted around it when the need arose but mostly, he told himself, that was for her own good.

'Red…' She prompted as he was lost in thought. He blinked for a moment and then looked at her,

'I was trying to protect you…' He parroted back the same line he'd used a dozen times. She let out a noisy breath and almost rolled her eyes. She sat back assessing him, he felt scrutinised like she could see he was hiding something. He kept his face still, impassive a practiced mask.

'It makes sense now…' She said finally, her chin trembled slightly. He hated seeing her cry, hated seeing her in pain and knew of late he had been the cause. He knew her tells now, could see when she was struggling and he was glad she didn't feel she had to hide it but how he wished he could make it better.

'What does?' He asked raising his eye brows quizzically wondering where this was going. She paused for a moment and bit her lip, she seemed suddenly nervous.

'Cape May…' She whispered, she avoided his eye standing up, she faced away from him for a moment, turning toward the slip of paper on the cabinet. She fingered the edge of it.

'How you reacted after I was supposedly… Dead,' She said tentatively. She turned back towards him and met the frown furrowed deep on his brow, 'I mean… If anything were to happen to Agnes, I could see myself going to a very dark place…' She admitted, her eyes glassy.

'We don't have to talk about this Elizabeth…' He said swallowing hard, they were entering dangerous territory and he definitely didn't want to be talking about this right now or at all. 'Why don't we go and get some dinner?' He said cheerily, standing up. She frowned at him and he knew he was doomed.

'I am sorry, you know? Especially now…' She whispered, he could see she was struggling with her emotions and despite not wanting to talk about Cape May, he would do anything not see her sobbing as she had done at the club.

'I know you are and I wish I could do something to ease your guilt but I can't…' He bit, his tone was harsher than he liked, he clenched his teeth and sucked in a breath. She almost flinched as though he had slapped her. She turned away back to the piece of paper that she thought had changed everything. 'I have forgiven you though…' He admitted, his voice gravelly. She turned towards him, eyeing him skeptically.

'I wouldn't have wanted you do that…' She said softly, he frowned in response not understanding for a moment. 'For you to die too, if I had…' She took a step towards him, her face earnest. He wanted to take her face in his hands and pull her close again.

'I know…' He said gruffly, 'Sometimes these things aren't rational… Grief isn't rational…' She reached out then and took his hand, her hand was cold against his own and led him to sit next to her on the bed.

'I want you to know that if something happens to me, I don't want that for you…' She squeezed his hand, he felt frozen for a moment. She often disarmed him but he didn't often show it. He cleared his throat,

'What is it you think that I did, Elizabeth?' The denial slipped out before he could stop it, he remembered their conversation in the back of the car, Dembe had told him what they had talked about as well and now his question just left the conversation wide open. She shifted closer, her hand still in his.

For a moment she didn't speak, he could see her mulling over her thoughts,

'It's okay if you don't want to talk about it… I just want you to know that I'm sorry I caused you that pain…' she shrugged one shoulder, her eyes becoming glassy. He tried to keep his face still and non reactive but she seemed to see straight through him, uncovering parts of himself he wanted to keep buried.

'There isn't anything to talk about anyway… Nothing happened.' He said as light as he could then met her eye. His own were wet, he could tell and he swallowed back the emotions.

'No… but the intent was there…' she whispered, his stomach flipped over as she watched him. His face perfectly still.

'It's not like I haven't felt that way before…' She admitted quietly, not looking at him.

'What?' He whispered gruffly. His thoughts were whirring around, when, why, how? Was it because of this arrangement they had?

'When I found out about Tom's betrayal and this…' she gestured between them with her free hand '…was new. I felt like I had to keep it together, that I had no way out. I was heart broken, my dad was gone, maybe with that grief too…' She told him, looking down at their hands in her lap.

'Elizabeth… I…' It was gut wrenching hearing her talk like this, if he had known, would he have changed anything? He would like to think he would, his loathing for Tom reignited in the pit of his stomach. He was terrified of losing her. She wiped away an errant tear on her cheek.

'I'm sorry, I just thought that if you knew you weren't alone, it would somehow make it easier…' She said gently, stroking his forearm with her other hand.

'I was consumed…' He admitted quietly then, lost in thought. 'The very thought of never seeing you again, never hearing you laugh again…' below his eye twitched slightly and he clamped his jaw shut almost biting his tongue. 'I went back… to old coping mechanisms that I thought were long since past…' He stared at the wall, at a speck of dirt he could see, he felt like she was cracking him open and he couldn't quite resist her this time. She was becoming too good at reading him, seeing passed his defences to peek inside and she knew exactly how to do it.

'The opium?' She asked softly, he raised his eyebrows but didn't look at her. He nodded very slightly and if she hadn't been looking at him she might not have notice.

'I didn't really care how much I took suppose, it was Mama Lu that cut me off the next morning…' He felt himself acquiesce silently, letting go like he had in the car. He couldn't look at her, he couldn't face the pity or the sympathy or even the guilt so he continued to stare at the speck of dirt on the wall and focused on the feeling of her hand in his that was now warm. She let him sit for a moment, gathering his thoughts. He knew she wanted to hear more, perhaps the DNA test had emboldened her and in that moment he wanted to give it to her.

'Everything after that is fragmented. Sometimes it comes to me at night and I'll remember something else, some other detail…' He began carefully, he sat up a little straighter and cleared his dry throat. He squinted as if trying to remember, 'I… I saw her, I remember…' His voice sounded far away. '…Maybe it was the opium still, I'd had an awful lot, more than I'd had in a long time but she was as clear to me as you are now…' He looked down then and blinked careful not to shed any of the tears that were gathering in the corners of his eyes.

'Who?' Elizabeth whispered, it was barely audible and he wondered briefly if she were afraid to interrupt him in case it stopped him from being open.

'Katerina…' His voice was just as quiet but he turned to her and looked her in the eyes, he knew she could see the emotion on his face because she mirrored it. '…Your mother.' He pursed his lips and then half smiled sadly. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed the back of her hand, leaving it to linger for a moment.

'Shall we get that dinner now?' He asked. She smiled at him then, briefly nodding and reached up to wipe an errant tear from his cheek, one that he hadn't been able to stop. She reached over, letting go of his hand to wrap her arms around his neck, he pulled her close, closing his eyes and breathing her in as he always did.

'Thank you…' She whispered before pulling back to kiss him on the cheek.