I'm Giving Up, This Whole Lie, This Whole Me…

Fandom: The Blacklist

Pairing: Lizzington

A/N: Eps 1&2 from S5 are two of my faves. Happy Lizzy is my fave but here we go after this. UGH. Feral Lizzy is also my fave but then she gets all pissy. I might note that this feels shippier than it has but I had to reign myself in because she still believes he's her father so… I do think she was struggling with guilt in this scene. Don't worry Lizzy, pain is coming my love…

I was going to post this yesterday but I had to worst case of impostor syndrome and had a brain melt down. Comments are LOVE as always! I am so grateful for all your comments. I never intended for this to be long, I thought it was a one shot. I had no plan, I still have no plan and I'm flying by the seat of my pants and that is scary.

Song is Resolution by Matt Corby used in 5x05

It's dangerous to speak and sigh, you might know what I'm trying to hide…

She'd had such a good time in Italy and came back on such a high, it had been absolutely thrilling. The theatrics, the way Reddington had been, the way they had been together. To say she had felt a sense of awe would be an understatement. They had made such a good team, the rapport they'd had, bouncing off each other. It had felt so good to feel so carefree, without burdens and worries and yes maybe just a little without conscience. If it hadn't been for Agnes she would have easily stayed longer if he had asked.

The guilt had hit her as soon as she stepped off the plane like a blast of cold air, maybe it was the impending explanations she would need to give, maybe it was the jolt back to reality but here she was thinking things over and it all seemed like a dream. A very good dream but a dream none the less.

They were back at Reddington's motel sat by the pool. He had squared things with Cooper and there hadn't been any repercussions, any that had fallen back on her anyway. They had gotten coffee and were now sat at a patio table. Reddington was sat across from her, she was aware of him watching her but had yet to speak. She kind of wished he was still wearing that ridiculous pumpkin coloured shirt, it would lighten her mood. Part of her wanted to go back, for him to take her away but part of her needed to stay, for Tom, for Agnes, for the FBI. He seemed to sense she wasn't happy as he sat pensively watching her, she didn't mind it was a comfortable silence so she stayed quiet. She looked down at the Lincoln Penny he had stolen from Blaise before taking it out of its case.

'Penny for your thoughts' He asked, his lips pursed. He was wearing his tinted glasses and a blue baseball cap which he had taken to wearing of late. She looked up at him, her face impossibly beautiful in the afternoon sunlight. Her hair was loose framing her face. She half smiled but it didn't reach her eyes.

'Why'd you do it?' She asked referring to the penny,

'Why'd you let me? It wasn't the wine…' He threw back lightly taking a sip of coffee. She pursed her lips, looking at him the way he had at her moments before.

'I'm scared of you.' She said simply and without malice even though it was bound to wound him. He was sat back assessing her, his lips still pursed, squinting in the sunlight. 'Now more than ever… Of who you are because…' She spoke softly frowning back at him. She shrugged a shoulder, 'You might be who I am too.' She reached out the hand showing the scar, allowing the penny to roll in her palm. 'I let you do it because it felt like the right thing to do…' He continued to stare at her in silence, 'It wasn't' She stated, 'But it certainly felt that way because…' She paused, shaking her head before pursing her lips.

'Because you're my daughter? He asked just as simply, she looked down at her hand and opened her fist and the coin had disappeared. He liked that she thought she was like him, he liked that she was like him. He also liked the Elizabeth that he witnessed in Italy, the fun, carefree Elizabeth. The one who'd loosened up and worried less whether she worried that she was like him or not. She wasn't not really at least genetically.

'In more ways than I care to admit.' She replied, she took a breath and closed her fist, when she opened it again the coin was in her palm. She placed it on top of its case. He watched her for a moment longer.

'So are you scared of me or scared of yourself?' He asked simply, his eyes never left her. She returned his gaze, thinking for a moment.

'Of who I am when I'm with you…' She acknowledged and then blinked.

'I think she was kind of cool.' He began with a smirk making reference to her telling him his plan was cool. 'There is nothing wrong with letting go every once in a while…' He told her, 'We had fun, did we not?' He said simply, still studying her.

'Yes… But it was wrong…' She said, voice soft, her morals erasing all the fun they had. She looked at him, his face resolute.

'Do you want me to scold you or do you want me to convince you that we did nothing wrong? Because from where I'm sitting I think you kind of enjoyed being my partner in crime…' He divulged, she frowned and opened her mouth to deny it but thought better of it, lying now wouldn't help the situation. She squirmed slightly, his gaze felt intense and she didn't like having to justify herself or perhaps she was annoyed he was doing the justifying.

'What does that say about me. I'm an FBI agent, I am supposed to enforce the law not break it…' Her lip trembled slightly, why was she always crying when they were alone? Why did he make her feel so vulnerable? She swallowed the lump in her throat and frowned.

'What exactly was wrong about it, are you not meant to have fun at work? Harold got another Blacklister out of it and we recovered various stolen items… And wine or not, you had fun doing it.' He said referring to the fact that she had blamed the wine for having so much fun. She let out a noisy breath before he continued,

'Is it so bad that you're a little like me?' He asked in a softer tone and she could see the hurt in his face. He blinked but didn't look away.

'No…' She whispered maintaining eye contact. There was an intensity surrounding them, a pull, like a moth to a flame and one they kept dancing around. She'd let her guard down in Italy, let him influence her maybe but how much influence did he need to exert when she played along so willingly.

'But it also can't happen again… ' She began slowly, still maintaining eye contact 'It was… addictive…' she finally admitted, her eyelids fluttering. Even now she felt drunk just thinking about it and she didn't want to admit it but under his gaze she felt powerless in that moment. He raised an eyebrow and pursed his lips.

'There can be quite a rush…' he agreed, sitting forward resting his elbows and forearms on the table, his hands clapsed together. 'But that doesn't mean you have to abandon your morals…' He told her gently. She knew he had a code he did business by, he didn't need to tell her but it felt different for her, it felt forbidden, a lure that would catch her out.

'I am afraid of what I might become, the lure of it, the abandonment of my principals in seeking the next rush, the next thrill…' She admitted then, she couldn't seem to filter her words. She looked down at the coin she was still playing with, avoiding his gaze.

'And I don't know how to say no to you, so don't put me in that position again… please.' She murmured, unable to look up from the coin. She knew she'd already said too much because if he knew he had that power over her, he could encourage her, he could put her in positions where she would have to break the law and abandon her morals for him. And she would, she knew she would.

'That's the thing about people, generally you don't know what you're capable of until you're pushed too far, did I push you too far?' He asked her as her eyes flicked up to meet his eyes, alight with something she couldn't quite put her finger on. Had he pushed her? He never pushed he always quietly persuaded.

'Not this time no… I came willingly but…' She had been more than willing, she had never even questioned it and maybe that was the problem. She hadn't thought about her role, she hadn't thought about what they were actually doing, she had been too swept up in the grandness of it all.

'It can't happen again.' He finished for her, she shook her head slightly, still looking at the coin.

'There is good in you Elizabeth. Goodness from your mother, yes she did some terrible things but underneath it all, she made the ultimate sacrifice, she gave you up. She put you first so that you could be loved and protected. But you also possess goodness from Sam who instilled it into you. No matter how you feel there is and always has been a moral compass in you.' He told her simply, reaching across the table to cover her hand with his own. She frowned back at him, emotions swelling inside her as a tear streaked down her cheek.