We're Out Of Lies, With Us Nearly Gone…
A/N: Spoilers for 5x12. I've added dialogue to most of the show's scenes so they're not completely accurate. If Liz had confronted Red in this manner, do we think he might have changed?
Why was so much left out.
This was kind of an ode but I wanted it to be something its not.
Song is: Signal to Noise - Frankel, from this episode.
Cognitive Dissonance refers to a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs or behaviours. This produces a feeling of mental discomfort leading to either a conflict of those beliefs or acceptance and a change in behaviour.
It's Cognitive Dissonance…
'We should have stayed…' She murmured absently, pushing off the sideboard behind where Tadashi had set up his laptop. She walked in thought passing Reddington on the couch, without acknowledging him. She was annoyed they had left the basement after being so close to discovering Tom's killer.
The day had been one long mind fuck for want of a better word. Since their phone conversation the other night, neither of them had brought up their conversation but it had given her some dutch courage to be more direct. She had mentioned briefly that morning that she had killed someone, her voice quivered slightly before she quashed it but he hadn't reacted. She wasn't sure now she was sober and could remember the mortifying details whether she wanted him to. She had asked him outright if he knew what truth Tom had uncovered, the truth he died trying to tell her. When he remained silent, staring back at her she wasn't sure if she were glad he hadn't outright lied to her face or whether she knew his silence meant he did.
'I do know, by the way…' He said now, taking to heart Dembe's earlier advice. She wasn't really paying attention, thinking aloud to herself, annoyance etched on her pale features.
'We ran, and now we have nothing…' She spoke aloud in distracted frustration, turning her body towards him, her eyes alight.
'What Tom figured out. The truth he uncovered has to do with me…' She stopped, watching him momentarily, her brows furrowed as she openly stared. She stepped towards him, stopping in front of the couch, looking down on him, her mouth slightly open.
'I knew it…' She shook her head, her voice soft. 'I knew you were lying.' Despondency edging her voice. She held his gaze, her insides twisting painfully.
'I told Tom not to pursue it.' He looked away from the burning disappointment glaring back at him. Her heart fluttered at his words, was this it? Would he really tell her?
'What? Pursue what? What is it?' She asked sitting down heavily on the coffee table in front of him. Her heart was in her throat and she felt it thud heavily in anticipation.
'An item Mr. Kaplan unearthed that I wish to keep hidden.' He told her simply, looking back to face her, he watched her feature fall.
'An item? What item?' Her breath caught in her throat, eyebrows raised. Her mouth was downturn in an effort to stop the encroaching tears. Her eyes shone back at him. Her stomach gripped because she knew what was coming. His face was set with his mouth pursed ready to deny or excuse all. She was such a fool, why did she always give him the benefit of the doubt and every time he did this?
'I can't say…' He watched her crumple. She inhaled sharply, her brows furrowing. Her chin trembled as she fought to control the rising sorrow.
'Tom died because of it.' She almost spat the words, her mouth trembling. She felt as if her heart had stopped, sinking like a stone in her chest causing a tightness across her ribs.
'Tom ignored my warning. That is why he died…' He told her a defensive edge to his voice. She scoffed in disbelief, she looked away, the hurt clearly obvious on her features, she put her tongue between her teeth taking in a shaky breath.
'And that makes it okay, does it? Just because you warned him, well he should've listened so it's his own fault?' She asked incredulously, tears sliding down her cheeks, she refused to look at him, his silence saying everything. 'And this item – Did Tom have it?' She asked then, her eyes meeting his again.
'Yes…' He said simply, she nodded once, her eyes locked with his, hurt written on her face. Her breath caught again, her chest was so tight. She took a shaky breath.
'And now his killers do. That's why you're here. That's…' She shook her head, smiling at her own stupidity. 'Not to help me, not to avenge Tom's death, but to help yourself and get your precious secret back. You were never on my side.' She nodded in bitter understanding, her eyes focused on his frowning features.
'We want the same thing…' He said quietly and she almost laughed at the audacity of this man. She sat taller, her anguish threatening to take over as it spread around her back, tightening its grip in her chest.
'No…' She shook her head, a humourless smile on her lips. 'We really don't… I gave Agnes up until this is over. If I miss even one more day with her than is absolutely necessary because you're not being completely honest with…'
'But I am being honest…' He began, almost earnestly. She watched him, his face serious as his eyes met hers.
'Just not completely.' She dismissed, her mouth open as she struggled to gain control of her rising emotions. Anger licked up her spine adding to the pressure building in her ribs. She took another sharp breath, trying to control her breathing so he wouldn't notice the beginnings of panic.
'I do know, but I can't say. I'm not trying to be clever. It's not an ambiguity. It's the truth. I have a secret, and I need to keep it even from you.' He told her seriously.
She shook her head, her eyebrows raised, 'Especially from me is what you mean…' She rose from the table, ignoring him when he reached out for her hand. She shook him off and went into the en-suite bathroom. She locked the door and pressed her back up against it, a sob escaping from her lips. She clamped her hands over her mouth, stifling another. Her breath came in short pants and she was beginning to think it would take over. She squeezed her eyes shut, her stomach painfully clenched as she fought to control the rising panic twisting up her insides. She focused on the anger, allowing it to engulf her so that it would push the panic down. She took a breath and then she inhaled deeply.
She forgave a lot, she thought, forgave too much probably. Any one else would have cut and run by now. Every time she thought she was one step forward with him, something like this would happen and she would feel hurt and betrayed all over again. She sank to the ground, her knees up to her chest. How dare he… She pushed down the lump in her throat, her breathing evened out as she filled her lungs deeply. She wiped the tears away with her fingers. She would not give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry, of trying to comfort her. She rose from her position on the floor and went to the sink, pushing down the plug she filled it with cold water. She allowed herself a moment, plunging her face into the cold water, she screamed out her frustration, grief and disappointment in him. Why must he always do this?
What was he so afraid of? Did it just come down to trust, did he not trust her? Or was he afraid that she would hate him, what did it matter anymore whether he kept his secrets or came clean, she was still here. Didn't he realise that? She was here and the further he pushed, the more he risked her actually hating him. She'd found out things he'd kept hidden, he knew so much about her life. It wasn't fair he kept those things hidden. Now as a direct result, Tom had been murdered because of some item. An item which she knew concerned her otherwise Tom wouldn't have died trying to show her. She surfaced the water, watching the drops roll off her face into the sink.
He tried to meet her eye when she reemerged, she refused to meet his eye, walking over to where Tadashi sat, purposely ignoring him. She leaned against the sideboard, watching the room. Mrs Ito sat scowling at Red clearly making him more uncomfortable than anyone she had ever known. He didn't liked being ignored, he didn't like not being able to charm his way out of trouble and Mrs Ito clearly thought he was trouble. She watched him squirm under her intense gaze, trying to come up with a solution towards her hatred of him.
The car ride over to the location Tadashi had found was frosty to say the least. He had tried to make conversation but taking a page out of Mrs Ito's playbook she had snubbed him. Scowling at the changing scenery as they drove, her arms folded across her chest. The server farm had been a complete bust, whoever had been there had long since vacated and taken any evidence with them. A single note had been left presumably for Reddington. We know the truth… Well at least someone did, she thought bitterly.
Later she was sat outside Agnes's daycare centre, trying to collect her thoughts whilst watching her daughter through the window when he approached and sat down.
'I know how hard this is…' He told her as they sat watching Agnes. Did he? She seriously doubted it. He had left his daughter, left her and whether that had been a choice or not, he'd still left. His abandonment stung suddenly and she shifted uncomfortably shoving it down to focus on the task at hand.
'I need your help to find Tom's killer…' Her lip trembled for a moment before she continued 'I need it, but I don't know if I can trust it.' She told him, pulling herself back together.
'You won't miss a day more with her than is absolutely necessary. You have my word.' He reassured, trying to placate her, like she was supposed to just believe him.
'What's your word worth?' She asked still staring ahead, she watched her daughter turn and look around as if searching for someone. He was quiet but she didn't give him a chance to answer, 'But you have my word. That I'm gonna honour Tom's dying wish.' Her voice was firm and certain, as they watched Agnes.
'Which was?' He asked almost innocently. She frowned, at his deliberate obtusity but she resisted the urge to turn and scowl.
'For me to know your truth. Before this is over, I'm going to find out what it is.' She turned to face him as he continued to watch Agnes before leaving alone with Dembe.
She went home and sank into a hot bath, ignoring her phone's incessant buzzing. He'd been calling, she'd been screening his calls. She almost dropped it into the tub just to make it stop instead she held the button down to switch it off throwing it down on the bath mat. She sank under the bubbles, watching her hair float around her. Under the water everything was silent, her thoughts ceased and everything was still. Calm. She broke the surface, a faint knock on the front door filtered through the closed bathroom door. She ignored it, whoever it was could come back. She wasn't expecting anyone and didn't want to leave the water's warm embrace just yet. She heard a louder knock and let out a huffy breath before sinking back under the water. She closed her eyes, enjoying the quiet, when suddenly two hands grabbed her shoulders dragging her to the surface. What the fuck. She blinked rapidly, her hands around the wrists of her assailant ready to spring into action. She was just about to punch whoever had grabbed her when her eyes focused on the fedora above her.
'What the fuck, Red?' She yelled the bubbles covering most of her modesty, the edge of her breast exposed to the cool air. His eyes focused on her blazing ones before flickering across her slick skin. 'Let go of me!' She demanded, his grip loosened before he stepped back.
'I thought…' He murmured, his eyes flicked back to hers, his brow furrowed.
'What? You thought what, that I was drowning in my own bathtub?' She asked incredulously, a shadow passed across his face.
'Get out!' She yelled, sitting up covering herself with her arms.
'We need to talk…' He told her, his back turning before he retreated into the living room, closing the door behind him.
She came out the bathroom a while later dressed in pyjamas and a robe, her hair was damp curling up where she had only towel dried it. He was sat on the couch, his hat beside him, his coat draped across his lap and one arm along the back of the couch. She thought perhaps he might have left but there he sat in the soft glow of the only lamp that was on.
'I've been calling…' He told her flatly as if this was news. His eyes were fixed on hers an intensity reflecting back at him.
'And that gives you the right to let yourself in and gatecrash my bath?' She complained with a frown. He watched her as she crossed the floor to the kitchen where she poured herself a glass of wine. 'I won't ask you if you want one, you won't be staying.' She told him, taking a large mouthful. She eyed him over the top of the glass. He made no move to get up and let out a breath.
'Had you thought that I might not want to talk to you right now?' She asked when he made no effort to fill the silence. 'Do you have any new leads?' She asked giving him the benefit of the doubt. She took another large mouthful before putting the glass on the counter, leaning against it her forearms on the top.
'No…' He told her gruffly, 'But I think we should talk.'
'Oh, you do? Well if you have no new leads, we can talk tomorrow…' She walked to the end of the counter, her arm out stretched toward the door motioning him to leave. He uncrossed his legs, before making a show of purposely crossing them the other way. She frowned, her arm dropping to her side. 'Or we could talk now, it's not like I had any plans…' She let out a sigh and went to retrieve her glass. 'So talk…' She prompted, her eyebrows raised, feeling his eyes watching her.
'Are we going to have a repeat performance of the other night?' He asked, gesturing to her wine glass. She let out a long sigh.
'That would be none of your business…' She told him, taking another long and drawn out mouthful.
'Why haven't you answered my calls?' He asked, smoothing out a crinkle in his coat with his palm. His eyes downward for the moment. She kept the counter between them, her forearms resting against the top.
'I've been busy…' She stated, she took another drink, clinking the glass down against the countertop. His eyes rose intently to hers, his face darkening and for a moment she felt like squirming under his gaze instead she stood up straight, resisting the urge. 'Why are you here?' She asked, coming around the counter to stand against it.
'I didn't like how we left things earlier…' He told her, he watched as she moved closer.
'No? Or you didn't like the fact that I was ignoring you?' She reached for her glass, drinking the last of it before pouring out some more. She felt his eyes watching. 'You could fix that by telling me what Tom found out, what he died trying to tell me…' She told him then, turning towards him.
'That isn't going to happen Elizabeth…' He stated plainly, his mask firmly in place except for the odd twitch of his eye. She let out a breath, the alcohol giving her a measure of courage.
'We've been doing this a long time, you and I.' She said somewhat exasperated, letting out a sigh. 'I know you're evasive. I know your tells, like that little twitch under your eye,' She pointed before allowing her hand to drop. 'And I know when you're purposely avoiding the truth. You're very good at avoiding and distracting but lying by omission is still lying.' He kept still under her gaze, his mask not slipping. She continued,
'You've said many times that you'd do anything for me but that's not true, is it? All of the times I've asked you to just be straight with me, tell me what's going on and you don't then I find out anyway. Do you know how much that hurts me? If you'd just been honest in the first place…' Her voice wavered, something passed across his face, emotion or anger she wasn't sure.
'Elizabeth…' It was a warning but she took another drink and carried on, ignoring his tone.
'No. You don't get to dictate to me what I know and what I don't. Every time you keep something from me, it pushes me away. Do you even realise that?' She swallowed tears threatening, she cleared her throat.
'Now I find out that you not only know why Tom was killed…' Her voice cracked, 'After all that time we spent together while I recovered… You knew and you're purposely keeping it from me…' The betrayal etched deeply into the features of her face.
'It doesn't concern you…' He almost snarled, his jaw working as he clenched his teeth, his eye twitching.
'It doesn't concern me? She choked out, her fingers turning white against the glass in her hand. 'Aren't you supposed to be my father?' She asked uncertainty filling her voice, 'And if that's the truth…' She waited for him to bridge the silence, his eyes blazing matching her own.
'I know you didn't do much parenting but parents don't put their kids in harms way…' She threw at him when he refused to answer. 'You did that, you've done that. Repeatedly… So don't you dare sit there and tell me it's none of my business…' She walked towards him, an urge burning within her to throw her glass at his impassive face.
'Tom was my husband and he was murdered because of a secret that you don't want me to know. It's not anyone else, there's no one else here! It's me. Your supposed daughter…' She watched his face, his micro expressions changing as she yelled at him, his silence and calmness were making her more aggravated. If it hadn't been for the DNA test she would've had serious doubts, even now something gnawed inside at the truth of it. He lied about everything else, why not this? A test could be faked, she knew that but if he wasn't her father, why hadn't he denied it?
She moved closer, standing at the end of the couch, 'Why do you think it's okay for you to punish and kill someone for hurting me but it's absolutely fine for you to do it…' His mask falling at last, his mouth open at her last scathing blow.
'Lizzy, I…' He murmured, his voice gruff with emotion.
'Don't Lizzy me, you can keep your secrets because you know what I've learned over the past five years? That no matter how much you try to keep them buried. I always find out eventually…' Her eyes were blazing, 'I hope it's worth it…'
'Worth what?' He frowned, his voice gravelly clearly pained by her words.
'All these precious secrets, because every one of them just reminds me that I cannot trust you. That you will keep hurting me, that I give you all of these chances to come clean. To be honest. To have an honest relationship with me but you are simply incapable of it…' Her voice fell as silence descended. She stared at him, her eyes almost pleading with him to say something.
'I can't do it anymore Red and I won't have Agnes around it. I intend to protect her, not expose her to more deceit and I've failed her enough already.' She stood waiting, always waiting for him to fill the silence, for him to say something, anything that might take away the hurt she felt gripping her insides but he clamped his mouth shut, gritting his teeth his brow furrowed.
'You can let yourself out, you know where the door is. I'm going to bed.' She told him, placing her glass on the counter as she started towards the bedroom.
'Lizzy…' He murmured softly, her back to him but she stopped to listen. 'I don't mean to hurt you, that's the last thing I want…'
'If that were true you would tell me everything.' She told him simply, half turning back toward him when he didn't speak, she opened the bedroom door, closing it behind her.
He stood, moving toward the kitchen, trying to think of something to say, something to take her pain away as her soft sobs filtered through the closed door.
A/N: I am going on vacation on Sunday, I have another chapter half written but I don't know how much writing I will get done. Hopefully I'll finish that chapter at least.
