Dear Readers: This novel does contain references to rape and abuse. I understand that these are sensitive topics, and I would not wish for any reader to suffer as a result of coming across these references without warning.
Be advised, this story is rated M.
Please do leave a review and let me know your thoughts, I am new to all this and would appreciate any feedback. xox.
CHAPTER FOUR
Dinner was quite a pleasant affair, although in Elizabeth's opinion was far too rich and contained too many courses. Perhaps when she was still a Bennet, she would not have found it too opulent, but as it was, her meals of late had been bland and repetitive. Not due to her husband's cruelty, since marrying she had lost her appetite and merely ate for nourishment.
The seating arrangements had placed Elizabeth with her husband opposite Mrs and Mr Darcy with Miss Bingley to her right. Mr and Mrs Bingley had decided to sit next to one another at the head of the table as everybody in attendance was family.
The most astonishing thing for Elizabeth, was the change in Caroline Bingley. Now that she no longer felt Elizabeth to be a threat, she had become quite amiable and agreeable. The conversation had easily flowed, as Caroline talked with Elizabeth over the concept of her gown, kindly saying that in London it is all the rage to wear muted colours. Whether this change was permanent, she did not know but she found that she liked this version of Mr Bingley's sister. Though she did see old flashes of the unpleasant lady she had first met at the Meryton Assembly. Occasionally, Caroline would fail to hide the desire in her eyes for Mr Darcy when she had the chance to speak to him and though she did attempt to be civil, at times she would allow her jealousy of Mrs Darcy to show on her features. It brought on a stirring of sympathy in Elizabeth.
"Mrs Collins, I wonder –" Mrs Darcy began, with a small gesture accidentally tipping her glass over.
Elizabeth quickly caught the glass, before there had been too much mess created and saved the lady's dress. Looking up she caught Mrs Darcy's gaze trained upon her wrist, a quick glance revealed that her sleeve had ridden up and though, Elizabeth had not noticed, her husband must have grabbed hold of her wrist in his anger and injured her. Snapping her hand back she unfortunately poured the contents of Mrs Darcy's wine into her own lap.
"Mrs Collins!" admonished her husband, throwing daggers at her and rushing over to apologise to the Darcy's.
Elizabeth noticed however, that Mrs Darcy kept glancing at her and had no doubt notice her pallor and tugging at the sleeve of her dress to keep her wrist hidden. While Mr Darcy, tried to reassure an agitated Mr Collins. Under normal circumstances the evident irritation and the darkening of Mr Darcy's countenance as he gave Mr Collins a set down would have amused her, but she could only feel her embarrassment and shame.
"Oh, Eliza your dress and your slippers!" exclaimed Caroline, "Do not fear, I shall pass it onto my maid, she is very adept with tough stains." she said kindly dabbing at Elizabeth's skirt with a napkin.
"I thank you, that would be very much appreciated. Please excuse me I think I am tired from our journey and shall retire for the evening." Bobbing a quick curtsey Elizabeth, did not look to anyone and kept her eyes trained on the door ahead. Once she made it to the door, she could not restrain herself further and ran in a rather unladylike fashion to her room, her blood pounding in her ears.
Thirty minutes later, Elizabeth still stood stock still in the middle of her bedchamber unable to move from a crippling apprehension. She had dashed into her room shutting the door behind her and found herself positioned with her back to the door, her fear immobilising her. Her breathing quick and shallow as she tried to think about every possible way her husband would deal with her embarrassing scene at the table. In the early days of their marriage when they had stayed away from home it had been for one night to attend Jane's wedding. There had been no cause for Mr Collins to rage at her. Would he do so now? The house was full, but it was a big house which was sure to have properly insulated walls…
Click! The sound of the door behind her opening and closing as loud as a gunshot.
Elizabeth did not have to turn to know her husband had entered her chamber. The scent of his cloying musk cologne and the foul stench of his breath overwhelmed her, with the racket of his heavy panting from his exertion from climbing the stairs reached her ears. Bracing herself and stiffening her spine, Elizabeth turned to face him. He shocked her then by laughing, but the maniacal glint in his eye did nothing to calm her and she altogether stopped breathing when he walked towards her and hugged her.
Mr Collins held her in his arms for less than a minute, before his ire got the better of him and Elizabeth failed to return the embrace.
"Is this the thanks I am to get Elizabeth?" he hissed, gripping her shoulders painfully.
"I am just not used to this... form of affection from you, Sir." she whispered, placatingly.
"You are questioning my affections as your husband. In the eyes of God, you are mine to discipline into obedience as I will it! Your mother and father have done you such a disservice in your rearing, it is disgraceful and could be called abominable!" he spat, spittle coating his lips.
"No, I am not questioning your motives or affections, but I am questioning my choice in husband, as I know I was raised to know better!" she replied, her anger flashing in her eyes.
Elizabeth knew she should not reply so, but she could not prevent the words from spilling forth. Her mind whirling with her disappointment and embarrassment of being back in Hertfordshire and at Netherfield in this version of herself. How had she allowed this to happen? Why had her life become what it was?
Her mind travelled back to the morning after the ball when everything changed….
"Ah, there you are, my Lizzy. And how was the ball? Did Mr Bingley stand up with Jane countless times and did you get to dance with the dashing Mr Wickham? he had teased.
Elizabeth had replied with a playful scowl, and so he had gravely added, "Please my dear, I do not care to hear any more of the lace on Mrs Hurst's gown!"
She giggled and said, "You are correct in your assumption of how Jane and Mr Bingley spent their evening, however, Mr Wickham was not present. It is a shame, for if you had been there, it would have made my evening much more pleasurable. Instead, you left me to suffer through an evening of Mr Collins' enthusiastic underhand compliments over the splendour of the evening and the arrangements of the musicians were well done but not to the standard of the great Lady Catherine de Bourgh!" she had laughed putting on a stern voice.
"Hmmm..." Mr Bennet had replied somewhat distractedly.
"Papa? Is something the matter?" she had asked with concern over her father's distraction.
"Having my cousin Collins here does make me think on my life and all the wrong choices I have made. I had been so sure I was going to have a son and so never made any attempt in saving well and providing for your futures after I am gone. I have failed you, my Lizzy. And my disappointment in myself is crippling, but it is too late for anything to be done now." he had admitted.
For the first time Elizabeth had seen the man and not her father, who was her hero and capable of anything. He was human and it had appeared that pressures of how he had erred was pressing gravely upon his shoulders.
"Forgive me, Lizzy! I should not burden you with my self-pity. I fear your mother's nerves are finally rubbing off on me. I felt my headache yesterday afternoon and worried I was gravely ill but look at me this morning; fit as a fiddle!" he'd said trying for a light hearted air, standing and offering his arm, "let us go into breakfast and allow your mother to take centre stage!" he smiled.
"Papa, -" she had tried.
Placing his warm hand upon her cheek he had sighed, "Forgive me, Lizzy. Forgive me for leaving you little choices in life after I am gone."
And so, Elizabeth, when Mr Collins proposed, she did not refuse him as she should have done. She instead felt for her father so keenly, that she knew she would choose not to marry for love but marry to secure her family. Elizabeth pushed herself not to look at Mr Collins as their silly relative but more their saviour. By accepting his proposal, she would secure her families future and do her duty! Her father had in fairness told her she did not have to marry Mr Collins, but she had become adamant she would do this for him, she would ease his suffering. And now Elizabeth had failed, for she could not see that she would ever be able to give this man an heir and did not know if the entail would allow her to take ownership of Longbourn should Mr Collins die. It would have been easier to bear had her sister not hidden her engagement, but for reasons known only to her she had done so.
But Jane hadn't and now she stood watching Mr Collins take a step back shaking his head, before suddenly lunging for her, Collins pushed her hard into the vanity beside her. With a sharp cry, she pitched forward her stomach connecting with the tables edge, before she crumbled to the floor gasping for breath.
"Mrs Collins?" Elizabeth heard a young girl's voice say.
Mr Collins straightened from towering over Elizabeth and turning Elizabeth saw Hannah standing behind her husband.
"Mrs Collins, I am afraid, has overindulged a little, as you can see." he said, pointing to the state of Elizabeth's dress as she tried to sit. "She seems to have fallen in her state!" he lied and exited the room through the main door.
Once the door had clicked shut, Hannah rushed to help her stand. Taking extra care to help her ready for bed, neither woman spoke, and Elizabeth was grateful for this small mercy. She was also grateful that Hannah stayed longer than necessary, busying herself with little tasks about the room until we heard the rest of the party retiring. And then a little longer still, and Elizabeth knew the young maid, was hoping if she stayed long enough Mr Collins might tire and go to sleep rather than attempting to finish dealing with Elizabeth.
When Hannah finally retired Elizabeth found it impossible to sleep. Sitting in the dark of the room, upon the edge of her bed and staring fixedly at the key in the adjoining door. She failed to notice the room brighten with the sunrise and only found sleep for the last few early hours in the morning after the sun had risen.
Elizabeth had not waited for Mr Collins, before heading down to breakfast the next morning and had been right not to, for he was already there eating a big enough portion for two!
"Good morning," she greeted the Hursts and took a seat next to her husband, but not looking at him.
She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, her ribs bruised and aching with her movements. They broke continued in silence, which was not so uncommon as the Hursts were not talking either.
A short while later she was pulled from her thoughts when Mrs Darcy, placed a gentle hand on her forearm startling Elizabeth.
"Forgive me, I did not mean to startle you," she said, gently. "I was asking as to how you are feeling this morning, but you did not seem to hear me."
"I am miles away this morning, Mrs Darcy, I apologise."
"Please call me Anne," she said, with a delicate flick of her wrist.
"Then, you must call me, Lizzy or Elizabeth." she replied quietly.
"Lizzy, it is! Are you feeling recovered from your journey, this morning?" Anne asked, as Mr Darcy joined them.
He placed the plate of food in front of his wife, poured himself a coffee and Anne a tea. Then gesturing with the teapot to Elizabeth's cup pulled it a little toward himself and topped it up before taking his seat. Without thinking Elizabeth reached for her cup, pulling her arm back as she fought against wincing from the pain in her side.
"My apologies," he said with a frown and leaned to move the china closer to her, all the while Elizabeth was aware of Anne's watchful gaze. She had never considered Anne de Bourgh to have her own thoughts or have an awareness of a world outside of Rosing's Park. Anne Darcy, however, did not miss a beat and Elizabeth knew she was beginning to put the pieces together about the state of her marriage to Mr Collins.
Mr Bingley entered next without Jane, claiming Mr Darcy's attention and when he turned away, she thought the moment forgotten. Self-consciously, she looked to her right only to find Mr Collins' seat vacant. When had he left?
"It is just you and I, Lizzy," Anne whispered conspiratorially, keeping her tone playful, but the meaning behind it was not so.
"And how was your journey, Mrs Da- Anne," she said correcting her address.
"It was pleasant enough, but Pemberley does sometimes feel as though it is in another country entirely! But Fitzwilliam, does fuss over me," she said, with a pointed look to her plate.
"Goodness, that is just for you?"
"Yes, he is always trying to fatten me up! When he only partakes of coffee in the mornings," she said chuckling.
"I would never think, Mr Darcy capable of fussing." She teased.
"You'd be surprised, he can actually smile on occasion," Anne teased, "you are not hungry, Lizzy?"
Elizabeth looked to the table in front of her and realised she had neglected fixed herself a plate of food.
"I am, I…"
"Good, you shall help me. There is far too much here for me, alone." said Anne, taking Mr Darcy's plate and cutlery from him.
"Thank you, Anne. It is a good way to not create waste," she said, and tried valiantly to eat more than a few mouthfuls as they conversed about the weather and the state of the roads. Every now and then, Anne would say something, and Elizabeth knew the lady was trying to gain her trust and be a friend to her. "I wonder where Jane is?" she asked finally.
"She is with Charlie, he has begun to crawl and is quite a handful!" said Mr Bingley, upon hearing her query.
"Oh, we must make time to meet him today. If that is agreeable with, Mrs Bingley?" asked Anne, gently.
"But, of course, I suspect you are eager to meet him also Elizabeth? Jane tells me how fond you are of children." Bingley answered in his usual cheerful manner.
Elizabeth could only nod her head dumbly. She had forgotten to even ask after baby Charlie! What her life could have been if she had not married, she would be at Longbourn now and she would have known Charlie all his life and been here for his birth. As sister's, she and Jane had always talked of their futures. Elizabeth had always joked at being the spinster aunt who would teach Jane's children to play their instruments and embroider cushions very ill!
It seems, all her thoughts were these days, were of what could have been…
