Dear Readers: This novel does contain references to rape and abuse. I understand that these are sensitive topics, and I would not wish for any reader to suffer as a result of coming across these references without warning.
Be advised, this story is rated M.
Please do leave a review and let me know your thoughts, I am new to all this and would appreciate any feedback. xox.
CHAPTER FIVE
An hour later, Elizabeth found herself with her new friends Anne Darcy and Caroline Bingley in the nursery with her sister Jane and baby Charlie.
Elizabeth tried but found it hard to commit fully to the charade she was unwittingly apart of and it seemed, neither could Caroline. Elizabeth had to work hard to stifle a chuckle at baby Charlie currently dangling, her arm's length from her face. Caroline kept throwing desperate looks to all of them, clearly uncomfortable with being so close to the infant. In a way it was comfort to know that she had not changed completely from the woman she had known before her marriage.
And, though, she was loathed to admit that she was growing fond of Anne, she was grateful to have her to be buffer between her and Jane. Elizabeth remained relatively silent in her seat, not because she had an aversion to baby Charlie, but because she was unsure as to her capability to be able to hold the child if given him.
True she would not wish to ever carry her husband's child, but that was due to the man as an individual; not all men or children. Then as she had begun to relax and feel as though this meeting might pass without incident, Anne became weary and left. Caroline seeing this as her opportunity for escape and offered to accompany her back to her room leaving Elizabeth and Jane alone. Both women, now so far from the close sisters they once were sat, gazes averted with a suffocating silence stretching between them, with only the sound of the small child's even breathing as he now slept in his mother's arms.
"Lizzy -"
"Jane -"
Both ladies said, speaking at the same time.
"No after you –" they both said once more in unison, before falling into silence once more.
"Lizzy… I need to tell you how very sorry I am," said Jane, moving to sit beside her, "I have not known how to approach you. When I saw you step down from the carriage, your unhappiness overwhelmed me. I allowed myself to believe we would naturally have grown apart now that we were both married, but I can see how unhappy you are. Lizzy, I have been too wrapped up in myself and my own happiness and I failed –"
At once Elizabeth stood cutting short her Jane's speech, "Please do not call me Lizzy, for she is not I, anymore," she said walking to the door and looking back, said, "Congratulations on your current felicity, Charlie is beautiful." Elizabeth had wanted to say so much more. To forgive her sister and repair what had become of their sisterly bond, but she did not have it in her. All she felt was anger. An anger she wanted to inflict upon her sister, so that Jane could see the exact the depth of her unhappiness.
As she was travelling back towards her room in the guest quarters, her thoughts in turmoil over her sisters attempt at an apology. Jane could apologise from the comfort of her home, not three miles from Longbourn with a husband who adores her and a beautiful baby boy. Her anguish began to palpitate in her chest as she began to feel the walls closing in on her and short of breath. Leaning on console table she cried out at the sharp pang of pain in her ribs and immediately pushed away and stumbling into the closest room, she began to pull at the neck of her gown and loosen it from her shoulders.
Holding onto her side to try to mute the pain, she began to gasp unable to catch her breath when she felt a hand upon her shoulder. Screaming, Elizabeth fell to the floor and began to scurry away, her fear making it impossible to discern the figure of Anne, slowly moving towards her and trying to calm her. She knew it was not Mr Collins, but she still felt threatened, "Please do not touch me, please, please," she begged barely managed to gain her footing and run until somehow, she made it back to her own room.
"Mrs Collins? Ma'am?" a startled Hannah exclaimed upon seeing Elizabeth's panicked state as she entered the room.
Hannah had been arranging her few gowns so that she could see the options for dinner this evening.
"Mrs Collins?" she said uncertainly as Elizabeth moved towards the adjoining door and reached for the key. The key that was no longer there.
"No!" Elizabeth gasped. "Where is it?" and then turning to Hannah she demanded frantically, "Where is the key?"
"Ma'am, it is all right –"
"No, you do not understand, if he has it, I will never be able to calm myself, I -I – I cannot breathe," she began gasping again in earnest and clutching at the wide-eyed young maid.
"Mrs Collins, the key has been lost."
"Lost?" repeated Elizabeth struggling to make sense of the word.
"Yes, lost. I am sure they will reappear. Mayhap after Christmas." She whispered softly.
Elizabeth breathed, starting to return to normal, "Forgive me, Hannah. I thank you for generosity and kindness."
"Of course, Ma'am," the young maid curtseyed and then went about completing her tasks.
And then, Elizabeth remembered Anne! She had been so frightened, and she would surely tell Mr Darcy of her odd behaviour. She would have to go to her and speak with her directly and make sure she keeps this between them. At least, however much she and Mr Darcy did not get along, she knew him to be no gossip.
Upon approaching Anne's, she heard voices from within, the deep and unmistakable baritone of Mr Darcy reaching her ears. Creeping forward slightly, she tried to make out what they were speaking of, but she was not close enough. And so, treading lightly hoping the floors held no hidden creaks Elizabeth gasped as she put her weight too heavily upon her injured ankle and ungracefully stumbled into the room, to find Mr Darcy gently kissing Anne's cheek.
He straight when he saw her, but did not move to greet her, he simply bowed and took his leave. As she looked after his rigid back, she felt her mortification flame across her cheeks.
"Elizabeth, please do not be embarrassed. Would you sit with me a moment?" Anne's gentle voice said.
Mutely nodding, Elizabeth moved to the chair she assumed Mr Darcy had been occupying.
"Now, I know you came her with a purpose…?" she nudged.
"Well, yes, I – that is I wanted to apologise for my behaviour. I know that you had quit the nursery due to your fatigue and now it seems I have intruded upon two private moments…" Elizabeth trailed off.
"Oh, do not worry over Fitzwilliam, and you were not interrupting. You seemed quite frightened when you first came here. Was there anything I might help with that startled you?" she tried.
Elizabeth opened her mouth to answer but could not find the appropriate way to begin. Sensing her difficulty Anne took pity on her.
"Forgive me but I must confess, I was not feeling as fatigued as I had led you all to believe…," she said leaning forward conspiratorially. "I have heard from my husband of the closeness between yourself and Mrs Bingley when you were both at Longbourn and was just trying to offer you a modicum of privacy."
"Oh." said Elizabeth, shocked that she and Mr Darcy had discussed her and her family. No doubt he was saying something leaning towards the negative. "Well, the truth is we are not as close as we once were, but then when we are living so far apart it is a natural consequence I suppose."
"It is a sad truth." Said Anne, as they fell into silence.
Elizabeth stared contemplatively at the fire, aware of Anne's eyes watching and assessing her. She did not know whether she would want the lady to figure her out or stay ignorant… turning she caught Anne's gaze and held it.
"I would ask a small favour of you… do I have your word that you will not tell anyone of the state in which I entered your rooms earlier?" Elizabeth asked.
"Yes of course, I –"
"If you have told Mr Darcy, can I trust his discretion? I know he is not overly fond of myself nor my family –"
"I can see that my husband has not given you a true impression of his character. I say this not as his wife, but as someone who has known him all his life. He is not a bad man and if I had told him, he would not be so cruel as to gossip or even make you aware. That being said, he does not know, and he will not know. I will say one thing, I know what it is like to live under a controlling hand. Perhaps not in the same ways as you and please do not deny it," Anne said, holding a hand to still Elizabeth's rebuff, "Fitzwilliam did not marry me out of duty, he did so to save me and give me a better quality of life and for that reason I cannot allow you to think so little of him."
Elizabeth could do little but nod at Mrs Darcy's vehemence. Muttering a small thank you she rose to leave.
"Elizabeth."
"Yes, Mrs Darcy." She said turning back to Anne.
"I am not cross with you, and I will always be someone whom you can come to, should you need me." She smiled weakly and began to cough a little, "Therefore I insist you return to calling me Anne."
"Thank you, Anne." She nodded gentling her expression before she returned to her own room.
How could it be that such a taciturn man, proud and disagreeable could be capable of such tenderness and warmth. True, when she had first met, she could not see what Mr Darcy would have seen in her, but then had assumed he had just been doing his duty. Was Anne correct? Was he capable of such feeling to marry his cousin so that she might have a better quality of life? It was enough to make her head ache. Looking at the small clock on the mantle in her room, she decided she would take luncheon privately and return to the rest of the guests for dinner. Mr Bingley had mentioned at breakfast, that they would be having some card games and music for their entertainment.
Dinner once again was far too extravagant for Elizabeth, but she was learning how to conceal how much she left on her plate for each course. Occasionally when her husband was not looking, she would put some of her food on his plate. He did not seem to notice and continued to guzzle it down.
Afterwards, Elizabeth found herself watching from the edge of the room, rather than partaking in the card games. Even before she married, she had not enjoyed such entertainment, but even if she had, she had no allowance from her husband to be able to join in. She was completely penniless.
I wonder, should I be so lucky that my husband might suffer a fall or a heart attack and then I shall have my freedom. Elizabeth thought bitterly as she watched both Mr Bingley and even Mr Hurst give their wives ample coin to play with.
"A farthing for your thoughts…"
Looking up startled, she saw Mr Darcy had moved to stand beside her. His expression as inscrutable as always. He stood tall and elegant in his dark blue superfine perfectly tailored across his wide shoulders and chest, silver brocade waistcoat flat against his abdomen. Beige pantaloons fitted his long and muscular legs above highly polished black dress shoes. It seems that Mr Darcy has allowed Anne to influence his wardrobe…. Or could it be that Mr Darcy now favours a little more colour in his attire? Elizabeth mused to herself.
Not in the mood to play the dutiful wife, and especially not generous enough to spare Mr Darcy any awkwardness she answered him honestly.
"I was thinking of death," she said bluntly.
Elizabeth could not understand why she kept acting so out of character, but there was a new fire that kept lighting within her stomach. She felt as though she were coming alive and even felt a stirring of hope being back in Hertfordshire. Which was folly, she was alone as she was in Kent, but there was a liberation she was beginning to feel having formed a friendship with Anne and Caroline. Both women fierce in their own way, seemed to be having a marked effect on her.
"Everybody dies," the gentleman replied just as bluntly.
"Well that is very... I had no expectation for your reply to be so blunt, even if you have demonstrated on many an occasion, your cold and unfeeling manner." She said turning to face the card tables
"But then it was not I who was thinking of such an inevitable and morbid topic."
"Inevitable?" she questioned.
"Death it is the one thing that one take comfort in. It is something we all have in common. And something we all must face when the time comes. It is a humbling thought is it not?"
"I would not say it was something that most would take comfort in Mr Darcy." She turned her gaze back to him.
He chuckled softly and Elizabeth found herself quite liking the sound, "I find it still shocks me that death has the ability to scare and surprise people. It is an unavoidability of all species on this godly earth."
"What a horrible way to think of life. Waiting for it to end." she sighed.
"On the contrary it is what makes life worth living, and also as disagreeable as it makes me, it is what makes me resolute in not doing anything I would not wish to do." he shrugged, and then holding out a closed fist, he gestured with a small nod to her free hand.
After a brief hesitation, she held her hand out, palm open and watched as he dropped a farthing into her hand. Looking back to his face puzzled, she watched mesmerised as he smiled and revealed two dimples on each cheek.
"For your thoughts," he said, before giving a small incline of his head and taking his leave of her.
And there it was again! The hope now scorching within. She knew she should not keep the money, but she would. Elizabeth would keep it hidden away for when she needed it. Clutching it tightly in her fist she glanced to her husband to be certain he had not been watching her interaction with Mr Darcy. Her pulse was beating wildly in her breast as she bent to tuck the coin into the sole of her left slipper.
Elizabeth did not know how, but she would escape! People in may call her Mrs Collins, but that was someone she would never be. She was Elizabeth Bennet, precocious, intelligent and resilient. If her maiden self were to look at her now, she would think who she had become an insult. Never would Elizabet Bennet have bent to any mans will! Mr Darcy was correct; life was too short to be something or someone you are not. She might have to suffer a little longer, but she knew one thing for certain, she would not be going back to Kent after Christmas…
