Dear Readers: This novel does contain references to rape and abuse. I understand that these are sensitive topics, and I would not wish for any reader to suffer as a result of coming across these references without warning.
Be advised, this story is rated M.
Please do leave a review and let me know your thoughts, I am new to all this and would appreciate any feedback. xox.
Chapter 6
The next morning, Elizabeth and a few other guests had decided to take a carriage to Meryton, stopping a little before their destination to stretch their legs a little. The ground was crisp, and the air had a bite to it. Snow had not yet fallen but it would not be long until it did, and Elizabeth could not wait. She had always loved playing in the snow as a child and always caught a cold for continue to play long after her clothes were sodden and freezing.
She smiled wistfully to herself and bit at her bottom lip, the knowledge that her life would very soon change putting a spring in her step. It was an especially pleasant morning as her husband had not deigned to join them but had instead decided to stay indoors, most probably penning comments he wished to sermonise over at dinner. Caroline and Mrs Hurst had chosen to stay behind, as had Jane because Charlie had been unwell during the night.
"You look different today, Elizabeth. For the better I would say," said the voice of Anne Darcy, as she and Mr Darcy caught up to her.
Elizabeth threw a pointed look at the lady's husband, before speaking.
"Yes, I believe the journey took far more out of me than I had thought. Are you well today, Anne?" She asked politely.
"I am very well, thank you. Fitzwilliam allow us a moment of privacy, please. We ladies do have things to discuss that gentleman need not be privy to." she teased.
"I can assure you that I would not wish to intrude on such topics. Some things should be left shrouded in mystery." Mr Darcy teased back.
Nodding to Elizabeth, he removed his scarf and placed it about Anne's neck.
"Stop fussing! I know my own limits," said Anne rolling her eyes.
"Hmmm," he murmured placatingly. "Indulge me if you would," he said pulling the scarf a little tighter causing Anne to giggle. "Let me know when you are ready to return to the house," and with that he picked up his pace and joined Mr Bingley and Mr Hurst, who were in front.
"He is very concerned over you comfort," stated Elizabeth.
"Yes, I can see it surprises you. I know he can come across a certain way and I know he is not everyone's cup of tea… but as I said yesterday, Fitzwilliam is a good man."
"Please, do not feel as though you need to defend him at every turn. I meant it as a compliment, it is nice to witness a husband doting on his wife." Elizabeth rushed to say.
Anne held up her hand, "I can imagine you are feeling on the way to liberation, as I once did when Fitzwilliam married me and took me from Rosing's Park. I know that your situation is something you do not yet feel comfortable to discuss, but I assure you that your secrets would be safe. You have no idea how freeing it can be to speak the words out loud. Until we do, we cannot be helped…" said Anne, her pace slowing a little.
Elizabeth looked up to find Mr Darcy watching her, before he turned forwards once more.
"You are very kind, and though I cannot speak of it now, but know that you have helped me more than you can know, already." She said quietly.
"I would like to say, that we all wear a mask, Elizabeth. I have learned a skill, no, more of a saying from Fitzwilliam, 'Silence reveals the dishonest man'. It is something he said when I questioned him on his quiet nature. As well as the masks he and I wear, I fear your sister is also wearing a mask that is slipping and threatening to break." said Anne in hushed tones.
"Jane? Why should she be unhappy? I do not understand…"
Anne then looked pointedly to the back of Mr Bingley, Elizabeth followed her gaze, but still could not understand.
"I will not say anymore, but it must not have escaped your notice of how little time they spend in each other's company and when they do, they barely exchange two words."
"I am sorry Anne, but I am not certain you will like what it is I am about to say. Why should I help a sister, who for the sake of her own happiness allowed me to marry a man such as Mr Collins? It is a selfish point of view and yet I feel no guilt over it." she said, looking back to stare at Mr Bingley, walking ahead.
"I am not asking for you to forgive what has passed between you and Jane, nor am I asking you to forget. Love, I believe can be intoxicating. I truly believe this is no excuse for poor judgement or ill treatment, but it is better not to hold a grudge. We have to at some point accept that we cannot change the past, and work to build a better future."
"If I were to look upon you with a knowing gaze and decipher your actions since you wed, you have not forgiven your mother. You have not been back to Rosings and are quite content to spend Christmas away from her ladyship even when I know she believed she would be spending this Christian holiday with you. That does not speak to the forgiveness you speak of." Elizabeth bit back, ignoring the feelings of worry for her sister Jane that were edging around her heart. "I believe that is easier said than done, Anne," added Elizabeth in gentler tone.
She had thought of her family with every moment in anger, if she didn't do that what else would she have? How could she forgive that they did not come for her or keep her from sacrificing herself? And after such a sacrifice, to not care for her one whit!
"Well, you are not wrong. most things are, I am afraid. I am not telling you to do anything you would not wish… it is just, I had the spirit smothered since my youth and now I cannot undo the damage. I was medicated and bled almost daily, and I simply awaited death. I shall admit that I have for the most part forgiven my mother, though, I cannot forget. I have lost my whole life under her tyranny. I do not mean to preach, but you need to decide how to let go of the anger it festers and corrupts the soul."
"You have overstepped Mrs Darcy. I know you mean well, and I know that what you experienced was terrible, but it was done out of a misguided love. It is clear after what I have experienced at the hands of my family and closest sister, there was no emotion of that kind involved."
And with that she walked away. She could feel Mr Darcy's eyes burning into the back of her head as she walked back the way they had come and allowed her feet to carry her back to Longbourn, only realising her mistake when she stood upon the top of the hill to look down at her old home nestled less than a mile away. It looked exactly as she remembered it, the chimney smoking a little unhealthily, with red ivy climbing the left side of the house. A light flickered in the lower left window; her father's study. He was no doubt in there reading a book and if Elizabeth were still at home, they would be sharing a joke or discussing philosophy while Mary sung very ill, Kitty and Lydia would be bickering with Mama complaining of her nerves to Jane and Mrs Hill.
Had her father really been mocking her all along and she had been unaware? They had made such sport of laughing at others, lording their intellect over them, when she had been the joke all along. Her family had most probably carried on as they always had and not even noticed her absence…
Elizabeth had vowed never would she allow herself to show any weakness ever again. But in this moment in time, she had complete solitude and so, for the first time in more than a year, Elizabeth allowed herself to feel her emotion as she stood there and wept. Gut wrenching sobs had her collapsing to the floor and rocking herself in a soothing motion. Elizabeth did not know how long she stayed thus, but eventually she managed to gain control over herself enough to make her way back to Netherfield.
Before dinner, Elizabeth sat at the vanity table having her hair styled in quiet contemplation. There were three worries plaguing her; the first being that her husband had yet to discover that he could not enter her rooms through the adjoining door, but then he would feel no compunction of entering from the hallway should he wish to. The second; what had Anne been trying to tell her of regarding her sister Jane? Surely, she could have no worries in her current situation in life?
And thirdly; why had Mr Darcy given her that coin? Had it simply been so that she could join in the fun and games? Had Anne told him of the abuse she suspected? Or did he expect something in return…?
"There, all done." said Hannah, breaking her from her reverie.
"Thank you, Hannah. You have done a wonderful job as usual." she complimented the young Abigail.
"I -"
A knock on the door silenced them both and Elizabeth held her breath as Hannah opened the door. When she saw it was Caroline who entered she sagged a little in relief.
"Eliza, you look very well this evening," then looking down she exclaimed, "Goodness, you cannot wear those tatty things! I am so glad I thought to look through my things form last season, here."
Elizabeth laughed when she saw the beautiful silk slippers with pearl clasps upon the straps in the lady's hand.
"You are very kind Caroline, but I could not possibly - "
"Pish! Of course, you can. I shall speak to Charles directly about giving you a little pin money, you are one of his sisters now after all. I know it is not normally how things are done, but your husband is clearly not up to the task." She admonished in her usual way.
"Caroline, I -"
"Caro, please!" Miss Bingley then turned to the maid and thrust the shoes at her, clicking her fingers towards Elizabeth's feet.
Elizabeth looked to Hannah but saw the girls smile and was relieved to see that she found the situation funny and not offensive.
"There, now! That is much better!"
"Caroli – Caro, are you certain this is all right?" Elizabeth asked, her voice trembling a little.
"Eliza, it is not as if I have given you diamonds," Caroline chuckled.
"Well, it feels as though you have. I thank you, Caro." Elizabeth gushed a little teary eyed.
"Elizabeth, I have learned my lesson long ago that us women have to stick together. Enough of this, let us go downstairs and after dinner we shall try to outplay each other on the pianoforte." she said, breaking the seriousness of their conversation.
"Well, now that is hardly fair, I have not the tuition that you have."
"Yes. I know." said Caroline with a wink, as they left Elizabeth's room, arms linked and gossiping.
