Dear Readers: This novel does contain references to rape and abuse. I understand that these are sensitive topics, and I would not wish for any reader to suffer as a result of coming across these references without warning.
Be advised, this story is rated M.
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Chapter 13
The mantle ticked rhythmically upon the mantle in Anne's bedchamber, as Mr Darcy closed the book he had been reading aloud to her. Moving slowly for fear of waking her, he placed the book quietly on the bedside table and moved to stand, taking a moment to straighten her duvet and pull it a little higher, she need not catch a chill after the ordeal she had suffered.
Her eyes, still blood shot and pupils slightly larger than they ought to be, looked up at him. A small frown marring her brow as she considered him, but he quickly cast his gaze away.
"Do not hide from me, Fitzwilliam," she whispered.
"I do not hide from you Annie," he replied, she always had a gift for being able to read people. It was unnerving.
"I beg to differ!" she teased.
She waited but he did not respond, busying himself with making sure she was comfortable.
"I am of a mind to discuss this morning with you. I can see that you are angry with yourself, but I at a loss as to why?"
"Do not worry yourself over such things. You must focus on getting better and bringing your strength back." He said gently. "Tea?"
Anne nodded and he pulled the bell to ring for tea. Moving back to the bed to help her into a more upright position. Finally settling back and exhausted, Anne closed her eyes and they waited for the tea to come in silence.
"Annie?"
She heard Fitzwilliam call to her gently.
"Yes, I am awake, I will take two sugars in my tea please," she instructed watching as he prepared her a cup.
He was such a wonderful man and though she knew he did not love her in a romantic sense, she did love him as a woman should love her husband. But that love that she felt to him was not conventional either… she did not have romantic urges like she had heard whispers of. She had been curious and when they had come together, he had been wonderful, but she did not wish to repeat the experience. Maybe if she had not had such a violent seizure in it's aftermath she could have become insatiable. she gave a breathy chuckle at such thoughts. Her husband was a fine figure of a man both in and out of his attire. She often felt it a shame that he did not put his stamina and equipage to better use. She knew he had not taken a mistress and for some time had wondered as to why… until she had seen the way he looked at Elizabeth. She was the reason he would not look to any other woman. True he was a good man who would not easily break the vows of matrimony easily, but if he were as in love with Elizabeth as she could see then maybe she would not have to fear him being lonely after she was gone. Now there was only the issue of Mr Collins standing between them.
She and Fitzwilliam were not like brother and sister as she had told Elizabeth, but the closest and truest friends. That had merely been something she said because she knew Elizabeth would be Darcy's equal, she could feel the attraction simmering even before they had known of its existing between themselves. Anne was content in the knowledge that they would have each other, she knew she would not have long left, and if her husband was honest, he knew it too. It was obvious in the way he had begun to worry over her, she hated that she had placed this burden upon him. Even, his sister, Georgiana Darcy was staying away this Christmas.
The week before they had departed for Hertfordshire Anne had overheard a conversation between Fitzwilliam and Georgiana and she had confessed that she needed to take some time to spend with their Matlock relatives, as she struggled with the memories of loosing her own parents. Smiling gently, Anne knew Georgiana and Elizabeth would become fast friends and they both deserved that, neither had experience a life free of turmoil and tragedies, and though he was quiet, her husband was a sensitive soul who shouldered everyone's grief atop his own and never did what was best for himself.
Fitzwilliam Darcy had given her everything and when she passed on from this life, she would not have him be alone or worse feeling guilty and suffering a cold and desolate existence.
"Now, before you tell me I need to rest, I cannot do so, leaving something that needs to be voiced unspoken." She said pointedly, her hand shaking as she brought her cup to her lips.
"Yes, I know you well enough to know better," he sighed.
"I am glad you are bowing to my superiority," she baited.
"Let us not get too carried away," he replied a small smile tugging at his lips, though his eyes were full of sadness.
"I have no doubt you have been wondering about my friendship with Elizabeth, and I foolishly thought things would naturally take their course but putting you in each other's paths -"
"I do not understand, what would naturally take its course?" he cut in confusedly, leaning forward and resting a hand comfortingly on her arm.
She took another sip of tea, enjoying it warmth soothing affect, "I have seen the way you are both drawn to one another, Fitzwilliam. Like I said, I laboured under a foolish misapprehension that you would both make the right decision and give yourselves to one another," she said watching him carefully.
He paled considerable and snatched his hand back as if burnt by the connection.
"Fitzwilliam, please do not pull away, I wanted this. You have my blessing, my permission, whatever it is that you need, you have it," she said with strength and conviction.
"No."
"Fitzwilliam -"
"No! Do you know what it is you are telling me to do? Break my vows and commit adultery, Anne!" he said vehemently.
"It is hardly adultery when on does not have a conventional marriage." She argued.
"Enough."
"I will not be silenced on this matter. I -"
"Enough, Anne I am begging you!" he said trying to keep his tone and emotions under control.
Anne fell quiet upon seeing his expression shuttering and becoming an impenetrable mask. He did not look away, but he had managed to completely shut her out. Despair took its toll and she held her cup and saucer towards him as her shoulders sagged in defeat. He understood and immediately moved to take the cup from her and turned to prepare her another cup.
"I do not want you to be alone…" he heard her small voice sob from behind.
Darcy was at her side in an instant.
"Annie, I will not be alone. Is that what you are worrying about?" he said softly, wiping at her tears as they fell.
He had not predicted that he would grow to care for Anne as much as he had. He was under no misconception that either loved each other as most perceived of them. They did have a mutual respect and love for one another that went far beyond the intimacies of the marriage bed. He knew Anne saw herself as burden, but she did not know how much she had given him in return. There was something to be said to experience many things he had taken for granted through the eyes of a person who had never had the privilege.
His fondest memories were of the sheer joy his Anne had experienced when first sitting atop a horse as he led it around the paddock. Or when she had first taste of brandy. Though the best had been when she convinced him one incredibly hot day and her health had been strong and steady for some time, to take her swimming. When she had finally managed to float without his assistance, he would never forget the look in Anne's eyes. She had floated in the lake on her back and stared up in wonder at the sky, laughing with such a pure innocence and happiness.
Looking at her now, he could still see that woman from the lake at Pemberley in there, but her body was failing her and deteriorating rapidly that they both knew she had but a few months left.
Anne smiled and cupped his cheek, her fingers cold, "I am not asking you to commit adultery. I am asking you to take something for yourself. You who have always served other's and put their needs before yours. Georgiana is grown and will no doubt find her own husband soon. She will no longer be your responsibility. And if that doesn't happen before I am gone, she will not marry as she will not want to leave you to your loneliness? What will you do then?" she asked, rubbing her thumb across his cheek.
"You speak as though you will not be here tomorrow. You know things are not so dire!" he lied.
"I would not recommend you choose a life on the stage," she joked, before turning serious again, "Please think about what I have said. Perhaps it was written in the stars that you should all be reunited once more under this roof. It seems so much went wrong after the ball at Netherfield, I feel that the time has now come that these errors be addressed."
"I fear that you are very tired, and we will put a hold on this conversation until you have rested," he said, taking the hand on his face with his own hands in an effort to warm and comfort.
"I am not naïve. You are a young and virile man. You have needs and you need to sire an heir and –"
"Anne, I am quite content not straying from my vows-"
"No. I have overheard private conversations between you and Colonel Fitzwilliam many years ago before we married. I know you have kept a mistress and…" she blushed, and he was grateful for the added colour to her complexion, "And other details I did not understand, but now I understand them and surely you are in need of finding comfort and that sort of companionship?" she said pleadingly.
Darcy coughed a little uncomfortably before replying, "I am not the young buck I was back then. I am old man now and my needs have changed. You have also forgotten one crucial detail, Annie. Elizabeth is Mrs Collins and Mr Collins is very much alive."
Anne rolled her eyes and winced at the pain it caused to her head.
"That man deserves to be put down! I do not doubt one word from you would send him scarpering."
"So then, you wish for me to have adulterous relationship with a married woman and sire a litter of illegitimate Darcy's?" he mocked.
She pulled her hand from his grasp and looked away. Perhaps he was correct, and she hadn't been thinking clearly.
"You are a good man, and you deserve to be happy."
"I am happy," he said gently.
"What did I say about your acting skills, but a few moments ago?" she quipped.
"Enough. It is time you rest," he said.
He helped her to lay back and then picked up the book and begun to read aloud until he was sure she had drifted off to sleep.
Meanwhile in Mrs Bingley's bedchamber…
"Charles had an affair?"
"Mr Collins has hurt you?"
Both sisters blurted at once.
"Please Jane, you must tell me what happened?" demanded Elizabeth, her shock sobering.
"No Lizzy, I have put myself first more than enough, it is time you are first. You are so very loved and important to me and the thought that Mr Collins has hurt you," gasped Jane, "and I never knew!" her expression growing horrified as she moved towards Elizabeth and without giving her a chance to react against it, enveloped her in a fierce hug.
Shocked Elizabeth could not fight her emotions any longer and after a brief hesitation wrapped her arms around her sister and gripped fistfuls of her gown as she cried, powerful sobs wracking her body. This was what she had needed, all this time she had craved family. Her dearest older sister, who always knew how to soothe her greatest worries and fears, held her in her arms and did just that. She rocked Elizabeth, never loosening her grip and cooed soothing words in her ear until she calmed herself.
Finally gathering her breath and her courage enough she pulled out of her sisters embrace, and it finally felt as it should being reunited with Jane again. Her elder sister wiped her tears away and cupped her face and assured her with a look more than words could ever have.
"Will you confide in me as you used to, Lizzy?" she said softly.
With a jerky nod, Elizabeth breathed a deep breath and began at the beginning. She told Jane of how it had started with small things, a sermon here or there, she'd notice her finer gowns were missing, and letters became few and far between.
"For the first few months, he did not visit my chamber and so I did not know what was awaiting me when he did. You see he meant to use it as punishment and being a woman who is not prepared or taught of such things, you could never imagine a fate so terrible. It has always been such a vague topic for gentlewoman and well, I resent it now. Had I known I would never have married…"
Jane never having experienced such violence could think of nothing to say, she was already horrified and biting the inside of her cheeks to keep from crying. Jane did not know how much more she could hear, but she also knew her sister was not finished and needed to voice her torment. Therefore, she maintained her encouraging expression ensuring her sister knew she was not being judged whatsoever.
"I remember it around the fourth month of our marriage, and thinking I was bold, tenacious and brave Elizabeth Bennet, I began to get suspicious that I was not receiving all of my post. I had received some letter's, but I simply had a feeling something was amiss. So, one afternoon when he was tending to his bee's I went into his office and searched his things. Unfortunately, I did not get very far in my search before Mr Collin's happened upon me. I of course confronted him and that was when he… changed…"
"Oh Lizzy…" whispered Jane taking hold of one of her hands.
"That day I learned my fool of a cousin was not such a wimp and easily bent to my will - no William Collins, readily used the word of God to mentally attack my courage and spirit, while his fists were used to punish my body." Elizabeth finished, with a shudder at the memories coming to the forefront of her mind.
"Lizzy, I am so sorry! I should have saved you; I should have come to you upon realising your letters were out of character. I cannot tell you how sorry I am to have failed you," said Jane, her bottom lip trembling under the weight of her guilt.
"My letters were out of character?" asked Elizabeth confused.
"Yes, you wrote to me telling me you did not wish for me to visit you, and that you would not be making the trip to Hertfordshire any time in the foreseeable future and you were happy to be rid of our whole family…" answered Jane trailing off, "I can see from your expression that you did not pen those words?" she gasped her hand covering her mouth.
"I did not know you had been writing to me. Mr Collins only gave me letter's that suited his purpose and would read them to me and then dispose of them in the fire. He had convinced me you had all forgotten me and now you had married me off and wanted nothing more to do with me…" she said, but instead of growing sad she grew angry!
"No, Lizzy, I did write to you, but then when everything happened, I confess I grew ashamed and Papa made us all keep quiet in order to stop the scandal spreading."
"Papa! If I shall never speak to him again, I shall be happy!"
"Hmmm, I have always wondered at the change in him. It was a month or two before Charles first leased Netherfield, but we all just assumed he was in a bad mood, and it would lift…"
"Enough, Jane, tell me what happened with you and Charles. Why should you be expected to raise Charlie if he is not yours?" She asked, she could not believe that Charles would have done such a thing.
"Oh, Lizzy, it is such a terrible mess! We were so happy and then he and Lydia…" she said as looked into her lap and wringing her hands.
"LYDIA?!" cried Elizabeth.
"Yes. Charlie is Lydia's child, sired by my husband," confirmed Jane, "Charles, still denies remembering that he and Lydia were intimate, but they were found together, and she bore his child the correct amount of time later…"
"Jane, I am so sorry you have been betrayed in such a way."
"I cannot even be angry with Lydia; she is a child! She was so impressionable back then, now I fear she has grown rather wild in her need to see Charlie and I understand her. Can you imagine having to live with your child so close by and never being able to claim him. Having him call another Mama?"
"Jane, you are too good and forgiving. Given the world we live in she is lucky she can still watch her son grow and be taken care of," she said reassuringly.
"I of course have no intention of keeping her away from him, but it is different when there are guests staying here. But of course, when Charlie is old enough, he will be told who his true mother is and he will be able to freely see her and spend time with her," she said, beginning to sob.
"Oh, Jane. It is all going to right itself in the end. Please do not be sad," she said, moving next to her sister and rubbing her back softly.
"It makes me sad, because I love that boy so much. In my heart he is my son and I have already grown so attached to Charlie, that I think of running away with him, and starting a new life somewhere, just the two of us. So, there you see, you were right to think so ill of me, Lizzy."
"Upon my word Jane, that makes you an even better person than I thought to be possible of anyone! Dearest, I could never think ill of you. I think we have both experienced things we had never conceived we would, when we used to lay awake sharing secrets in our beds at Longbourn,"
"How very innocent we were, Lizzy," Jane replied wistfully.
"But Jane, who found Lydia and Charles together? And how did you keep it secret to prevent gossip spreading?" Elizabeth thought suddenly. The family might keep it secret, but if the staff should know then word would spread below stairs to other homes and before you knew all of Meryton would know!
"I found them. In Charles' bed together." Jane revealed, the pain in her eyes made Elizabeth's heart ache.
"I am shocked. I am for once at a loss for words."
"Our family had dined with us and I had noticed Lydia was not her usual loud and cheery self. Mr Wickham had taken a commission elsewhere and left the Militia stationed in town and she had become despondent and downcast. The whole evening with her was like pulling teeth! That evening I had retired before him and as we usually would spend our nights together, when I awoke and found he had not come to bed, I went in search of him. This was in the early hours before the staff had awoken." She dashed a tear roughly away. "I know it was just the once from the blood staining the bed linen, but it was enough to get Lydia with child. She achieved in one night the thing which I had not yet achieved in my marriage on her first try!" she laughed bitterly. "It is also very hard to watch him with Charlie… he seems to love his son, but I can also see in his eyes that he resents him too. And it is not the child's fault. Charles is the one to blame for this situation and he knows it."
"Is there no coming back for you and Charles? I know it is a terrible thing to ask and I am not saying to forgive him, but from the way he looks at you, I see he wants nothing in this world but you."
"It matters not, my mind tries to reason with my heart in the same way, but I cannot believe he could share such intimacies with me and say such kind things and make me feel so wonderful only to do the same with another woman, who happened to be my sister, whilst I slept in the next room. And in a bed, we had shared so much together ourselves. It was the ultimate betrayal. How can I forgive him?"
"I understand, and you have my full support sister." Elizabeth vowed.
"Oh, Lizzy I have missed you!" she said hugging her sister once more.
"And I you," replied Elizabeth full of emotion.
"What time is it?" asked Jane looking over to the clock on the mantle, "Ah, dinner will be served shortly, let us prepare ourselves."
"I agree, shall I meet you at the stairs and we will go down together?" asked Elizabeth.
"Oh, no! Lizzy I must do something with your appearance! You need to style your hair as you used to and please borrow one of my gowns. It may be a little long, but we will have the maid pin a few of my new gowns and begin the alterations on them so you have some nicer gowns to choose from. And then I will send to town for some new shoes. You will give me a list and we can get whatever garment's you need."
"Anne Darcy has been very kind and sent an order for a few things to her modiste for me already," said Elizabeth.
"Well, you would not have asked her to order you under garments and delicate's, now would you?" said Jane levelling her with a look and then they both broke into giggles and it was if the last two years hadn't happened.
Anne! Thought Elizabeth suddenly. How could I have forgotten?!
"Now tell me, what has brought on this new friendship with the Darcy's? From last we saw each other you and Mr Darcy were as good as sworn enemies!" inquired Jane.
"Believe it or not but Anne Darcy is quite force to be reckoned with…" began Elizabeth. And as they began choosing gowns readying themselves for dinner, they gossiped about Elizabeth's new friendship with Darcy's and of her episode this morning. They talked about the change in Caroline Bingley and they both decided she had grown into a decent sort of person. They pinned each other's hair and buttoned one another's gown without the use of the maid, exactly how they would have when they were simply two young and idealistic sisters, who believed in true love and happily ever after's.
