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Dear Readers: This novel does contain references to rape and abuse. I understand that these are sensitive topics, and I would not wish for any reader to suffer as a result of coming across these references without warning.

Be advised, this story is rated M

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Chapter 17

When her heart had finally calmed, Elizabeth felt restless and began pacing her room. She was so confused with the emotions and thoughts bombarding her. Her excitement bubbling over as it filled her in a wild rush. For the first time in recent years, Elizabeth felt herself absorbed with a vast sense of possibility. Suspended from her life as Mrs Collin's she had made another step in severing the chord that had her bound to her awful cousin, the feeling that he owned her was slowly releasing her from its grip. In this moment the terror that had shackled her began to weaken and she knew without a doubt the key to her freedom was in her current elation and hope.

Mr Darcy was her hope, but it was Caroline who had given her the confidence she needed to be bold and take what she needed for herself. Her new friend had been correct; the stolen moments and secret pleasure will light her path in the darkness.

Elizabeth smoothed her skirts and decided to go in search of a diversion as she was too restless to stay put in her room with her mind whirring.

Paying no heed to where her feet were taking her, she soon heard the raised voice of her sister Jane and hurried her pace. Jane sounded distressed and not all like herself.

Had something happened to Charlie? Elizabeth panicked.

Rounding the corner, she saw Jane's profile as she faced Mr Bingley. Both pink in the face with their anger as they quarrelled.

"Jane, please, do not do this!" pleaded Bingley.

"Do what?" she snapped, crossing her arms under her chest.

"Dismiss me! You will not even attempt to help me to understand this situation. Nor, will you try to listen to my side of things. You have simply cut me off. I miss you, Jane, and I refuse to go any longer without my wife."

"Go any longer without your wife!" she scoffed inelegantly, "Do not try to fool me with your words, you have not gone without a wife. I am still here am I not?"

"No, you are not. You are only in my company for the sake of appearances. That is not a wife and I will not tolerate this behaviour!" he said with a firm tone, only his irritation letting him down in his attempt to take control of the situation.

Elizabeth knew she should have left them to their privacy for such an intimate conversation, but she knew what one's husband could be capable off if pushed into a rage. Suddenly, Bingley looked a lot taller, broader and altogether more intimidating and so, heart racing, she held her position, ready should she need to defend her sister.

"Oh, now I understand… you are simply wanting me to warm your bed. Well Charles, you must be out of your mind if you think that is going to happen!"

"It is not only that! I love you and miss our friendship. And why is it so wrong that I desire you? Tell me?" he huffed, clearly bristling at her sarcasm.

"Because you seduced my sister, in the very bed that we shared!" she hissed, moving towards him and poking him harshly in the chest.

He moved to grasp her shoulders, but Jane shrugged him off and turned away from him, bracing her arms on the wall, resting her forehead to the plaster shaking her head.

"I cannot forget the image of finding you with her," Jane sobbed.

Bingley moved once more and rested his forehead upon her neck. Jane moved to push him off, but an anguished sob escaped her, and she did not manage it. Instead, his hands moved to hold her about her waist, and she allowed him to support her.

"Jane," he whispered.

"How could you?!" she sobbed.

"Jane, I promise you I did not. I could not. I love you!" he vowed and kissed her neck.

"No!" she pushed him away. Turning to face him, wiping the backs of her hands over her eyes at her tears, "I saw you, with my own eyes, Charles. I wish you would not persist in lying to me. If you could admit that you did wrong, then we might be able to work through this..." she whispered, and Bingley straightened his expression going hard.

"I will not admit to something I did not do! And one day I will prove it to you –"

"Please, enough!" Jane said softly, cutting him off.

"Have you never considered how much Charlie does not resemble me?" he tried.

"Enough!" Jane snapped, stronger this time as she walked away leaving Bingley alone in the corridor.

Releasing a harsh curse, he turned and paled upon seeing Elizabeth.

Collecting himself he bowed.

"Mrs Collins," he said quietly, failing to offer his usual cheerful tones.

Elizabeth nodded in response and walked towards him intending to go after Jane. When she drew level with him, she tensed as he spoke.

"I did not do this. I will prove it to Jane if it is the last thing I do!" he vowed and then walked away, leaving Elizabeth to gape after him for a moment before continuing on after Jane.

Elizabeth found Jane in her room and sat with her, rocking her until she finally cried herself to sleep. Standing quietly, she covered her sister and quit her room, deciding she would sit with Anne a little before dinner. Mayhap they would dine together in her rooms… but then she would not have a chance to see Darcy if she did that and –

Gasping she halted her hand just as she was reaching the Darcy's private apartments as shame washed over her.

What is the matter with me? Darcy is married to Anne! How can I possibly go in there and pretend as though I have not kissed her husband?

Disgust settled like a lead weight in her stomach. She looked at Bingley and Jane, with pity and disappointment and she is doing exactly what Bingley is being accused of. Granted, it was becoming more and more apparent that the situation between Bingley and Lydia was not as it seemed… Elizabeth was knowingly allowing herself to give into her depraved and wicked wants, without considering the feeling of the innocent who would be caught in the crossfire! She had just spent an hour or more comforting her distraught sister, who was grieving the loss of her husband to another.

"Ma'am?"

Elizabeth jumped with a small shout and turned to see Anne's maid next to her.

"I did not mean to startle you. Mrs Darcy is currently sleeping; I think she will most probably sleep the rest of the day. Her excursion outdoors fatigued her."

"Of course, thank you. I will check back on Mrs Darcy before dinner."

Turning away, Elizabeth wandered what Darcy was feeling over their passionate interlude…

Why won't you look at me?

Elizabeth thought with great distress. Mr Darcy had been late to dinner and so had joined them after the first course had been served. Which only served to keep Elizabeth in the dark and feeling that the gentleman in question was going to great lengths to avoid her.

Darcy did not appear at all uncomfortable or ill at ease. He was as he always was; impeccably dressed, his countenance severe and his conversation sparce. Inside he felt as though his gut was twisting. Her distinct perfume floated to where he sat awkwardly and assaulted his sense, completely robbing him of the ability to speak or take in the conversations around him. He had been desperate to see her before their meal but had taken the time to check in on Anne. His intentions had been honourable, and he wanted to be honest with Anne as they always had been with each other, but she had told him that they would talk later.

"Annie, I would much rather speak with you now. I must beg your forgiveness –"Darcy had begun.

"Fitzwilliam," she had whispered with a sincere smile. "There is no need to apologize. I know what you wish to say, and I am happy for you. Please, go and enjoy your meal and we will have a brandy afterwards together." Anne had said before her eyes dropped with her fatigue as she fell asleep.

He had waited with her until she was soundly asleep and hurried to dress, aware that he was missing the first course as it was. Upon entering the dining room, he has not wanted to draw anymore attention by looking for Elizabeth, he did not need to, his awareness of her had his skin prickling and his lips tingling in remembrance of their soft embrace.

When he did finally turn his eyes towards her, his gaze was inscrutable as it tangled with hers. She was breathtakingly beautiful, a vision that captivated him and made his heart skip a beat. Darcy was seated the length of the table away from her, but still close enough to devastate her ability to think clearly. Her awareness of him affected her every movement. She looked down at her plate and pushed her food around in an attempt to gather herself. Her confusion unsettling her.

"Eliza?"

"Hmm?" she replied distantly, turning to a concerned Caroline.

"Eliza, we were just saying how wonderful it will be to perhaps have you join us in town for the season next year?" Caroline said.

"Oh, yes, you would be most welcome to be guest at our home," said Louisa, sincerely.

"Oh, I am not sure what my plans are, but if Mrs Darcy can spare me, I should like to visit you in town."

"Oh, you must!" said Caroline squeezing her hand gently. "Louisa and I agreed that we would love to have you accompany us to our Lady's Liberation Club," she added at Elizabeth shocked expression.

"Pah, Lady's Club! What do you ladies need a club for? Surely that is what afternoon tea is for?" scoffed Mr Hurst, guzzling more wine.

Louisa rolled her eyes but looked more amused than annoyed.

"At our Lady's Liberation club, we discuss female authors, write our own pieces, talk about politics and how to progress women's independence! We also allow a little time to discuss the latest fashions… we are still ladies after all." Chuckled Louisa.

"And of course, if we time it thoughtfully, you will be there to coincide with Lady Crystalthorpe's annual orchid exhibition. It is said that this year she has procured the rarest orchid in existence! Rumour say that it only flowers under the caress of the moonlight for one week and so her exhibition starts just before the sun sets." Added Caroline excitedly.

"That sounds beautiful!" gasped Jane animatedly.

"Yes, there are all sorts of diversions and entertainments to be had once the nightfall descends! But Jane you must come along too!" said Louisa merrily.

"Oh, I did not mean to push for an invitation…"

"Pish! We would not imagine going without you. The more the merrier!" said Caroline as Louisa nodded her agreement.

"I believe I speak for us both, when I say you have made it impossible for us to refuse!" gushed Elizabeth.

"Who knows, if Anne is recovered by then, you might spend the entire season with the Darcy's in town. I am sure Charles can be convinced to do the same! We can attend the theatre and shop on Bond Street…" continued Caroline, turning to Jane and Louisa.

Elizabeth chose this moment to steal another look towards the other end of the table to where Darcy and Bingley were talking quietly. Her eyes watched as his strong hands gripped his cutlery and cut into the dessert on his plate and brought a mouthful to his full lips. Mesmerised Elizabeth watched as he dabbed at his lips with his napkin, before taking a sip of his wine, her breath catching as his tongue crept out to lick at a droplet of the claret still lingering on his lips… Fire seemed to kindle in a spot just below her stomach with a steady pulse. She imagined what his throat might look like as he swallowed and what it would feel like if she pressed her lips to it…sighing wistfully, she turned at the feel of a hand on hers.

"Are you well, Eliza?" asked Caroline quietly.

"I… well, I am conflicted." She replied.

"Did something happen between you and D-"

"Shh!" hissed Elizabeth glancing around.

"Well? Did it?" Caroline persisted in hushed tones.

"Yes! But now he is ignoring me!"

"I see…"

Caroline had been about to answer when fortuitously the dinner was ended, and the ladies were to separate from the gentlemen. They moved to the drawing room and settled into pairs, continuing on their conversations from the dinner table.

"Tell me exactly what passed between you both and how you parted ways." Said Caroline directly.

"The short of it is… we kissed and then he apologised and so I ran away from him," Elizabeth admitted blushing and cringing at her silly behaviour.

"Did he seem cross?" Asked Caroline.

"Well, no…"

"And have you seen him since?"

"No…"

"Then I would advise you do not worry over this anymore until you have spoken with him. I can help you to orchestrate it if you need but it would probably be best not to force it. I do not doubt he will seek you out and I am not vastly experienced, but men do not tend to prevaricate. Darcy will be direct in his intentions." Said Caroline confidently.

"I suppose you are right. But I am feeling very conflicted."

"In what regard?" She asked her expression full of concern.

"Well, I do want to kiss him again. In fact, I am quite driven to distraction by it, but the guilt and uncertainty of this possibility and even thinking such things makes me feel criminal." She said sadly.

"Elizabeth, I would not wish for you to feel pushed by me, into doing something that you are uncomfortable with, but if you are feeling guilty on Anne's behalf, I can tell you she is aware of your connection with Darcy. It is odd but it seems as though she supports the idea. The way she watches the both of you together and tries to manipulate you into conversations and spending time with one another. I doubt she would have asked you to be her companion if she harboured any feelings of jealousy."

"What do you mean?" Elizabeth frowned in confusion.

"I think it best you speak with Anne; I am sure she has probably left you plenty of hints in your past conversations together and like I said, her health sadly appears to be waning and perhaps she feels you might be the right person to help Darcy with such a burden… I have observed them in their marriage, and I cannot say what kind of love they have for one another, but it does not scream of passion." Caroline said with a small shrug, turning away and leaving Elizabeth with her thoughts.

A short while later the gentleman joined the ladies and after a brief hesitation Darcy made his way towards Elizabeth, but she was so caught up in her thoughts she had not noticed his approach. Looking up she started when she saw him stood before her, studying her.

"May I?" he asked, gesturing to the seat beside her.

Words failed her as she nodded her ascent mutely.

"Forgive me for not seeking you out sooner, I had not intended to arrive late for dinner…" he trailed off a little awkwardly.

"No, it is quite all right. I spent some time with Jane…"

"Yes, you must have much to share now that you do not have the luxury of seeing each other daily."

"You are not wrong," she said, her hands smoothing her skirts nervously. "Did you? That is, I meant to ask if you had a pleasant afternoon?"

Looking at her, Darcy smiled and moved to take her hand in a comforting gesture, when –

"Darcy! Elizabeth! Come and join us we are going to sing some carols." Called Bingley, making Darcy snatch his hand back in alarm and Elizabeth to jump.

"Wait for me in the library, before you retire. I will come to you, we need to talk," he said as he stood and not waiting for her reply, turned to the rest of the room. "Bingley spare us all the torture of hearing you sing and allow the ladies to enchant us with their lovely melodies," Darcy ribbed at Bingley, causing the room to fill with laughter.

Why did I wait here for him? What if he forgets and retires for the evening?

"Calm down, Lizzy! It has not even been ten minutes." She admonished herself for her lack of patience.

She took up pacing in front of the mantle, trying desperately to organise her thoughts before Mr Darcy arrived, so that she could appear in control and keep her composure when alone with him. They had important things they needed to address. She could not bear to continue in this state of uncertainty.

Click.

Turning at the sound of the door closing she froze, and her mind instantly turned to mush when their gazes cashed and held. He was still immaculately dressed in his coat, waistcoat and expertly tied cravat, the picture of a fine English gentleman. His eyes almost cobalt in the low light as he took her in from head to toe. Her eyes dropped to his lips and the air grew thicker, poignant and tense. Everything else fell away. Her questions, her uncertainty, her guilt, until all the was left was him and her. All she could do was drink in the sight of him, so big, powerful and handsome. His dark hair slightly ruffled as usual only added to his masculine beauty, as he stood there looking at her with such a fierce adoration. It made her heart ache.

Darcy moved, his long muscular legs, bringing him closer, and her heart fluttered wildly in her chest.

"Elizabeth," he said, the delicious baritone of his voice sent shivers down her spine and to the tips of her toes.

"Mr Darcy," she said breathlessly. She wanted to call him by his Christian name but at the same time needed to keep a modicum of distance between them. Inhaling deeply, she felt her knees go weak at the heady mixture of musk, soap and Darcy.

"I came here to speak, but I fear that now I know the taste of your lips I will never have my fill of you." He said bringing a hand to cradle her cheek.

Elizabeth leant into the gentle caress and allowed herself to believe in the fairy tale, without any of the obstacles and emotions reality brought with it. She watched as his lips tilted into a soft smile and he lowered his head towards her. Hey eyes fluttered closed as he pressed his mouth to hers. Gently as first, taking his time to worship and taste her lips. Needing the additional support, she brought her hands up to hold his wrists where his hands still cupped her face.

Opening up to him, she allowed him to taste her. He tasted of sweet strawberries and the aromatic smoky flavour of brandy. A small whimper escaped her as he angled her head and deepened the kiss, giving themselves over to the luxury of being present in this moment without any other invading thoughts.

Darcy groaned and his heart pounded as he gave in relinquishing his control. Kissing her deeply he sucked her plump lower lip into his mouth, nipping at it as he released it. Elizabeth was a revelation, bright and glowingly beautiful. Her kiss ignited a passion that had not existed for him before. He was a man of the world and had known women before, but it had never been like this. Her small hands gripping his wrists as she came alive in his arms. She made him reckless. Without a thought he brought his hands trailing down her back and found purchase on the gentle flare of her hips, his hands bunching her skirts in his need to stake his claim on her, fuelling his desire.

Elizabeth couldn't seem to get enough, he was kissing her, but she wanted to be closer to him as her hands moved to rest upon his shoulders as she arched into him, causing him to shudder and move his hands to cupping her bottom with a little squeeze. Gasping, she began to feel overwhelmed by the feelings he was stirring in her body. She could not understand them and began overthinking over what was happening. Too soon, unwelcome thoughts soon found their way into her mind.

And what of tomorrow? What of Anne? A dangerous voice whispered in her head.

As if hearing her thoughts, and sensing her distress, he gentled the kiss before pulling away from her and looking down at her now swollen lips and unfocused gaze.

Beautiful.

Moving he guided her to sit with him on the settee. Part of his brain remembered that he needed to speak with her and find out how she was coping with all this. These past few weeks had been full of great many changes for her, and it was bound to take its toll. He would not allow himself to take advantage of her if she was in such a weakened state.

Feeling a sudden awkwardness at his abrupt change, she sat dazed for a moment unsure of how to sit or what to say when he pulled her into his side and tucked her head under his chin. After a moment of shock at this new intimacy, she relaxed into him, looking at his strong hand resting on one of his thighs. The small hairs adorning his fingers and the glint of his signet ring in the fire light hypnotic. This position with him felt so right when it shouldn't.

"Elizabeth, I should like to speak with you about this delicate situation we find ourselves in." he said as he continued to rub her shoulder soothingly.

She listened to his heartbeat, steady and strong, like him, and wanted more than anything to place her hand over his. But refrained, unsure of what he would say next.

He stopped his gentle caress and waited for her response, but it did not come.

"You do not wish to talk?" he asked softly.

"I am unsure of what to say." She whispered.

"Elizabeth?"

He leaned away trying to look at her, but she had angled herself so that he could not see her face.

"Will you not look at me?" he asked, gently touching her chin.

Allowing him to tilt her face towards his for a moment, before she pulled away from him and moved to the other end of the settee.

Darcy looked at her in confusion, but patiently waited for her to speak.

"I am afraid of this conversation." She admitted. "I feel so guilty for what I have done with you, and disgusted with my lack of self-control, but I am selfish because I believe I would not have behaved differently if I could relive this day again…"

"Elizabeth, you are not the guilty party here. We have both behaved in a way we know we should not have, but like you, I am helpless to resist this connection we have. Elizabeth, there is something I need to ask you. You are going through a great deal at the moment, and I need to know if I have steered you or pressured you in any manner. I -"

"I beg your pardon?" she interrupted, uncertain as to whether she should feel angry and touched by his words.

"I am no fool, I know before now, we have rarely understood each other, and only just tolerated being in the same company. I need to know that what I feel for you is reciprocated and that I am not simply a distraction or worse that you might feel pressured by my actions to-"

Cutting him off once more, "Sir, you are wrong on both accounts! But before I give my answer as to my feeling's I need to know what yours are. Am I a passing fancy to you Mr Darcy? Will you wish to keep me as your wife's companion by day and your mistress by night?" she demanded her ire rising.

He paled and stood as if she had struck him.

"How could you ever believe me to be such a man? I think it fairly obvious; that I think very highly of you."

"What do you expect me to believe? You are married."

"As are you." he flung back.

"And you ignored me completely at dinner!" She threw at him petulantly.

"What did you expect me to do? Pull you onto my lap and ravish you in front of everyone?" He mocked.

"Obviously not!" She snapped.

"Then what?!" He demanded.

"I think you'll agree that our tempers and circumstances in life; my husband and your wife, has brought this delicate situation to an abrupt end," she choked, striding passed him to the door.

"But you see, this is where the guilt settles in. I do not think of my wife, the way that I picture you. It is not my wife that has me captivated and waiting with bated breath for any smiles or laughter that might be bestowed upon me."

Elizabeth stayed rooted the spot, between Mr Darcy and the door, scarcely daring to breath.

"You see, Elizabeth, I adore you and your temper and the way it makes your eyes sparkle. I like the flush your temper brings to your cheeks. I also like you without your temper. I like you, Lizzy. I like you very much indeed."