Author's Note; Thanks for the reviews! I'm on a roll with writing right now.
Tanya's grandparents are stuck between a rock and hard place. From what I researched about homosexuality in this time period, it really could Socially and economically devastate a family. I try to be as historically accurate as possible.
This hospital had much better sanitation and the surgeon seemed extraordinarily skilled.
Standing in the fields of America, cool air swept over the green grasses. It'd been more than two years of no word from him and yet the winds failed to gust away the loneliness and loss. A tear slipped down. Mark would be happy here. Every day a letter went back to England. Word was he'd been chased away by the violence of the rumors, but no one knew or cared where he was. So the letters likely piled up on the front step. But they would be there waiting if he ever returned home, begging him to come to Colorado. Wrapping her arms around her empty belly, grief washed up. He'd missed the birth of the babe and the first smile and first steps and first words. And he might not even be alive anymore.
Grandfather insisted on accepting a courtship from a good man and hunter in the tribe when inquiries turned up no signs of Mark anywhere. She looked down at the wedding ring on her finger, having never signed the divorce papers. Every month that passed without word from him snuffed out hope a little more. But he'd ruined her for ever loving another man.
Arms slipped around from behind. "My lady love," a deep caramel baritone whispered against her ear.
A sob escaped and she sank back against the familiar chest. The contours fit exactly as remembered. She closed her eyes and didn't move. It couldn't be real. After so long, he'd gotten the letters.
Turning around, she met those blue eyes that had grown even more beautiful. Hardship had deepened little creases in the corners of his eyes, but he otherwise looked exactly the same. Touching his face offered reassurance that he truly stood here.
He bent to rest his forehead against hers and cupped her face in hands a bit more calloused than they once were. "I promised I'd come for you," he whispered and brushed his lips over hers. His hand brushed over hers.
She startled and her eyes flew open. The hospital room. The door softly closed. Her hand still tingled from a touch. One hand was cold and the other warm like someone had been holding it. A faint scent of Mark hung in the air, but tricks of the mind often found Mark's scent these past four days where it wasn't really. Each night a sense that someone watched interrupted restless sleep. It wasn't a frightening feeling but a comforting one - almost as if Mark kept safe watch through the darkness of the night.
Something tiny sat in the chair next to the bed. Pushing up, she leaned over and picked up the soft item not much bigger than her hand. Sitting forward to catch the light from the hall, tears fell to the bed. A yellow plush horse sized for a little child's hands. She cradled it to her chest, praying this wasn't a sign of his final goodbye.
The next afternoon, she stood behind Grandmama and Grandfather at the desk in the middle of the busy hospital corridor. Grandfather used the last of the substantial coin purse that he said Mark had given the day she'd left the house two weeks ago. The hospital bill cost more money than she'd ever seen. With a sigh, she looked around and rubbed the ache in her back as the nurse counted the coins. A gorgeous rose painting hung across the hall.
Holding the treasured toy horse to her chest, she wandered to the painting. A single white rose. It was unconventional, but the detail of leaf veins and dewdrops on the petals mesmerized. More shades of white than should exist blended a magnificent palette of reality. Someone bumped into her from behind. "Oh!"
"I beg your pardon - "
She turned just as he did. Surprised blue eyes looked back at her. "Mark." Her heart took off.
"Tanya? Why aren't you in bed?" Then he cleared his throat and composed himself. "Did I hurt you?" His eyes dropped to her belly.
With a smile, she shook her head. He wore his cloak like he was on his way in or out. "And to answer your question, I'm escaping."
He blinked, apparently speechless.
"I'm teasing," she giggled. "The surgeon said I can leave. Grandfather's paying." She pointed to the desk.
"Leave?" A devastated expression overtook his features.
"Yes. You'll have to come at night to an inn."
The man schooled his expression. "I don't know what you mean."
She smiled and stroked the little horse. The man wasn't a good liar. "Is he for me or the babe?"
"Who says I - "
The smiled faded and she held his eyes. "Because you wouldn't send me to the hospital if it wasn't serious. And you wouldn't leave me alone in the hospital."
He didn't react to that comment, but looked at the horse. "For the babe, but it looks like someone else is attached." Then he looked at her and a tiny twinkle glinted in his eye.
A flush crept up. "What are you doing here?"
"Sandy came down with a severe case of mastitis. I sent her here. She was my only and last patient. Englewood is excellent in many things, but not in female medicine. I thought I'd check in on her. She's due to be released tomorrow."
"I'm glad she's alright now." She reached out a hand. "I miss you."
Not a muscle moved. "Should I be recognized, it's best to not have any kind of contact other than socially polite." A wall went up, almost as though masking his pulsating loneliness would make it hurt less.
For his sake, she dropped her hand. "Yes, Mark." A tease like days gone by would make him smile.
Instead, his eyes closed for an instant and his brow furrowed in pain. "Please," he whispered.
Tears stung at seeing him grieving so hard. It made it all hit home. He truly wasn't going to come back. "I won't sign the papers."
His eyes opened...to reveal a vacant, hollow expression of that beyond hopelessness. "Soon enough you'll have no choice."
Setting a hand on her lower back for support, she opened her mouth.
"Do you have back pains?" His eyes darted to her hand.
"We've been standing in line for the better part of an hour. The babe's getting so big that I can't stand for too long."
"Wait a moment." He limped over to Grandmama, who beamed a smile at him and nodded when he said something. Then he returned. "Come sit." He set a hand on her shoulder and guided her down the hall and around a corner to a bench.
She set a hand on the armrest and used his proffered hand to sit. "Gracefulness is a quality I no longer possess," she said with hot cheeks.
He eased himself onto the bench, keeping proper distance. "No matter how much the babe inhibits your movement, gracefulness will never be something you're left wanting. You're as beautiful as how I suspect you look without child."
Her heart melted.
She set the horse on the bench, turned her bulk toward him and rested her hands on her belly. "How are you? And not a social answer but the real answer."
He propped his hands on the cane and stared at the floor. "A portion of the house burned down," he said without emotion. Strain crept into the lines of his profile.
She blinked. "Burned?"
He nodded. "Rocks have been breaking windows at night. Brigands still refused to go. A couple nights ago, it seems someone intentionally started the fire."
"Did you get hurt?" She set a hand on his arm.
He shook his head and met her eyes. "I wasn't asleep, so I was able to contain it to half of the house."
The beautiful house. Their home. "Is it inhabitable?"
"It's salvageable what is left. However, I think it best to cut the losses and sell it for what it's worth before the entire thing is burned to the ground. I saved the book from your mother and her paints."
"Those are just things. You shouldn't have been in there trying to get them." She scooted closer. "Stay at an inn. It's not safe to live there."
He nodded. "Brigands is putting me up for the time being. He's outraged on my behalf. I'm almost relieved that it's gone - the only reason I bought it was because we moved here when Anna became ill."
"Is the country estate untouched?"
He nodded. "It's an hour north, and I've never inhabited it for more than a day or two. People likely don't know it's mine."
She frowned. "It wasn't your father's?"
A deep sigh. "My father did not approve of my profession and left the estate to a distant cousin. I believe he pitied me when Anna died, or he approved of me returning to the banking industry, because he left all coin to me." His cheeks reddened in embarrassment. "I actually purchased the country estate a month before I came for you - I expected to move out."
A laugh bubbled up. "Can you go live there? If it's more secluded, perhaps you'll have a better time there."
"Perhaps. I'm reluctant to stay with him for long and cause him and his wife to burn in their beds."
She set a hand over his. "I'll come to the country estate with you. I'm almost to confinement, so no one would see me anyways to figure out who we are."
He shook his head and took her hand with regret shining in his eyes. "Tanya, this will follow me everywhere. An hour away is only a matter of weeks before the rumors catch up to me."
Grandfather came around the corner. Mark stood and said, "If I may have a word?" he took Grandfather down the hall a bit and handed him a coin purse.
Grandmama sat as the two men talked. "Did he say if things are better?"
She shook her head and stroked the babe. "Someone tried to burn down the house and nearly succeeding in losing all of it."
Grandmama gave a small nod. "I heard the rumors." Worry clouded her eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"I shouldn't speak of my husband's finances, but we didn't expect to stay in England for this long. Your grandfather is a proud man, but even he is acknowledging that the money is out."
She looked at Mark. He'd lost the profit of the bank. The loss of the house would've been a terrible financial hit. He likely needed the sale to have funds to run the country estate. He probably didn't have any extra funds to give away. She hurried over just as Grandfather pocketed some large banknotes. "No. I can get a job - "
Mark's eyes flashed. "You will do no such thing, especially in your condition."
She pulled him aside. "But after losing the bank and house, there can't be much money left. I learned as a child how to put food on the table. I - "
"Am in these straights because of me," he said in a firm tone. "I will provide for you and that babe. Not another word."
He'd provided enough for another hospitalization and months after the birth.
"Tanya, there's a snowstorm coming. We should get back to the inn." Grandfather pulled on his gloves.
Two women walked past and whispered, "He's the one who finds little boys at night. She's probably a harlot looking to sell her babe to him."
She whirled on him in horror. My god, the rumors had gotten out of control. Then she glared at the women hurrying down the hall. Someone had damn well better start setting people straight. She took a step forward.
"No." Mark caught her arm. "Do not get involved." Then he looked at Grandfather and ordered, "Make sure the divorce papers are signed before the end of the month."
Grandfather set a hand on Mark's shoulder. "I wish things were different - you are a good man for her. But I do not know the ways of England well enough to fight should she and the babe be tied to this scandal. Should things change, you will be welcomed to our family. Right now, the only way I know to protect her is to deny any contact."
"What? No!" She grabbed Mark's arm in pure panic.
Mark forced his back straighter like he tried to hide the pain from that knife. "I would not respect you if you didn't watch out for her. Funds will be wired every month. Should she or the babe need anything more, you know where to reach my bank." He offered a handshake.
More people passed and glanced like they recognized Mark.
A pained look crossed Grandfather's face and he gave Mark an apologetic look as he ignored the handshake and took her arm. "Lily, come," he said to Grandmama.
Mark withdrew his hand and dropped his gaze to the ground, obviously struggling to mask the shame. He took a step back to the appropriate distance for someone unwelcomed. Rather than walking away, he stayed and allowed time for witnesses to see the rejection. For her sake.
Tears burned and her throat constricted. His damn chivalry knew no bounds. Grandfather pulled her down the hall as Mark stood there all alone in the bustle of the hall. His eyes glistened with tears, and he didn't seem to notice as people bumped into him while his gaze remained locked on her.
Jerking free, she pushed through and flung her arms around his neck and gave him no choice but to accept the kiss. Then she looked into his eyes. "I love you. Come for me. I'll wait a hundred years."
His face crumpled and he pressed his lips together like the words meant the world to him.
Grandfather pulled her away. She didn't break eye contact until the crowd swallowed him up.
He stood there even after she disappeared into the crowd. Breathe. Oh god, it hurt to breathe. It'd been hard enough knowing that an occasional bump in public would be the only contact, but her grandfather had made it clear that even that would no longer happen. Her grandfather would see to a divorce and then sweep her and the babe away to America as soon as she recovered from childbirth. Her grandfather knew of some good Englishmen in Colorado and in the tribe who might consider courting her. The sooner she started courting and moving on with her life, the better things would be for her and the babe. Hope had held out that perhaps things would get better or little things would come up where her grandfather would summon him to come to her...but that was over now. Financial ruin threatened now on top of everything if he couldn't find work within the next months. If worse came to worse, the sale of the country estate would bring in enough funds to see Tanya and the babe through for a few years. If things became that dire, it wouldn't matter what became of him. He didn't care anymore, if life came down to being a sea apart from Tanya. If God had mercy, his damn knee would require an amputation and infection would set in. Life had at least been hollow and empty without Anna. Without Tanya, it wouldn't even be worth living.
He limped over to the bench, unable to breathe and smother the threatening tears. The horse sat on the bench. She'd forgotten her beloved horse. Picking it up, a string caught and split the chest wide open. "I know how you feel," he whispered and sank into a chair nearby. He clutched her prized horse to his chest, needing some of the comfort that she seemed to find in it. It didn't matter anymore who saw him fall apart as the world shattered. The sobs came.
It seemed like hours later. His head throbbed and knee ached, but he pushed himself up. One foot in front of the other. He made his way down the crowded hall and past the front desk when his ears honed in on a voice.
"I left him on a bench. He's yellow and this big..."
He turned and scanned the mass of people. That voice. There. The most beautiful woman stood at the front desk and rubbed her belly in distress.
"No one's turned him in?" Tanya sounded close to tears.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse said. "They sell those at the market outside - "
'I wanted that one." Her shoulders sagged and she turned away, brushing at her eyes as he pushed through the people.
She turned and there he was - not only the horse but the thing that she truly missed. Pushing her way through, she flung her arms around his neck in a fierce hug. "You're still here." Then she let go and frowned. His eyes had a slight red puffiness like he'd been weeping.
He took a step back and held out the horse. "His string got caught," he explained, his voice still thick from tears.
Taking the horse without looking, she searched his eyes. "Mark - "
"You shouldn't be seen with me. Your grandparents are waiting."
"I don't care - "
"Would you do me one thing?"
She stilled in surprise. "Anything."
His eyes fell to her belly. "Ask your grandfather to let me know if it's a boy or girl, and that you're alright from the birth."
Her chest heaved. This was it. "You're not going to fight for me?"
Tears welled in his eyes. "Tanya, I'm so far gone that there's no coming back from this."
"America - "
"It would reach America eventually. Towns there keep in contact with family from England. I don't want you to wait for me because you will be waiting decades for me to rebuild my life, if I even can."
She cupped a hand over her mouth as her face crumpled and she shook her head. He just couldn't see the light anymore. They had pulled him so far down that he couldn't get out by himself. But he didn't have to. Squaring her shoulders, she brushed away the tears. She'd figure out a plan. It might not happen in weeks or months, but this wasn't the end. It couldn't be.
"Tanya, it's time to go." Grandmama appeared and took her arm. "We will take care of her," she promised with sadness deepening her tone.
His chest heaved and for the first time, he had no strength left. He hurried out the doors with a hand over his mouth.
Tears slipped down seeing him fall as they destroyed him. He didn't seem to care about any of that but...losing her. He'd professed love, but never did it occur that it could ever be a love equal to what she felt. The kind not from obligation or infatuation or friendship...but the kind that would survive forever. Her feet anchored to the ground as it hit - he didn't push her away because it was the chivalrous thing to do to not let her go down in flames with him. He did it because he knew if he asked that she would stay, but he wanted a better life for her. Even though it meant his heart would shatter and he'd die all alone in a house without anyone there or anyone caring. He'd never stepped in harm's way out of duty - it'd been out of love even though he hadn't realized it himself. And now he sentenced himself to a life in his own hell in hope that she'd find a better life and happiness.
Because he loved her with his whole heart and soul.
