Out of my Hands

"It's not the same thing at all, and you know it!" Remus said fiercely.

"How is it different?" James asked with a grin.

Because you have a choice in the matter," Remus hissed at him quietly, his hands beginning to shake. "I can't help what happens to me. The ministry can't punish me for transforming." He pushed aside the nagging little voice at the back of his mind that told him that the ministry could and would punish him in dozens of little ways once he finally left the safety of Hogwarts.

"They won't punish us either," Sirius argued, slinging a companionable arm around James and the other around Peter's shoulders. "Because they're not going to find out."

"You can't seriously mean to do this!" Remus protested. "You'd still be in danger from me! Have you ever seen what I'm like after the full moon? Look at me!"

He tore open the front of his robes angrily to reveal a chest covered in thin ragged scars and pink puckered flesh in various stages of healing.

"I could just as easily do this," he gestures with his shaking hands to the evidence of his violent transformations. "To any of you. So you think that it matters to the wolf inside me that you're all my friends? How do you think I would feel to come back to myself one morning to find I'd murdered my only friends?"

His voice was shaking now, and he wasn't the only one with tears welling up in his eyes. Peter had taken a step backward at the ferocity in Remus's voice, shaking his head in denial. Sirius, upon seeing the scars and the distress in his friend had taken a step forward, wanting to offer comfort and encouragement, but Remus turned his back, wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his robes as he refastened them to cover the ugly, raw skin across his torso, that he had torn at in his animalistic rages.

"It would be better for all of us if you would just forget all about this animagus business. It's just too dangerous," he said tiredly, still holding his back to his friends.

"I'm sorry Moony," James said, not really meaning it. He had wiped his own eyes when no one was looking. "But it's too late."

Remus stiffened and spun in place to find James giving him a watery smile and Peter watching him apprehensively. However, where Sirius had been standing only moments ago there now stood a massive black dog.

Lupin fell to his knees and asked in a whisper, "Sirius?"

The large black dog began to whine a bit, and stepped forward to nudge Remus's chest, then licked the boy's hand affectionately. Remus automatically brought up a hand to stroke the dogs head, and ignored the tears that had spilt over the edge of his eyes and tracked down his cheeks.

"What have I done?" he asked himself quietly. "What have I done?"