Author Notes - I can't be the only one who has flashbacks whenever I hear the sounds of Groinks. Just hearing those footsteps makes me cringe, knowing well that I'm sure to be in for a bad time.

That being said, the cybernetic nature of the Groinks made them really fun to work with, and I'm kinda proud of what I came up with.

GROINK FAMILY

Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Tinnopterygii
Order: Cyborgiformes

EMILY'S PERSONAL NOTES

I… I just… help me out with this one, readers. The infamous Gatling Groink appears to be some sort of goldfish, walking around on skinny legs, with a plastic thing in front of its face, and a tail that can spin forever… and it shoots EXPLOSIVE ROUNDS?! Not to mention that it's seemingly incapable of dying! More so than most other creatures on this planet does this family make me go… WHAT THE HECK IS THIS THING?!

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO COOL!

Oh, and also, the original Gatling Groink was considered part of an unknown family, but the recently discovered Fireflinger Groink means there's some sort of classification that can be attempted. So I plopped them both into the same family for archival purposes.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCES

Members of this family are quite infamous for their - frankly - bizarre appearance. Groinks can be easily identified by their resemblance to massive goldfish on small thin legs, with small eyes on tiny stalks and a fishtail on the back that can spin around. On their backs are odd protrusions bearing a vague resemblance to exhaust pipes, and their front is covered by a translucent shield with a composition similar to plastic.

The biggest difference between the two species in this family, appearance-wise, is their colour scheme. The Megaplod calibersi (Gatling Groink) is much closer in colour scheme to a typical goldfish, with dark blue scales covering the bottom of its body. The Magmaceps infernalis (Fireflinger Groink), meanwhile, has a red-yellow colour scheme that gives off the appearance of fire, quite appropriate for its weapon of choice.

HABITAT

The Gatling variant is the more common of the two, though it is still not a very common creature. They are usually found underground, though they can be found very rarely in forests loaded with other dangerous creatures. The caverns they can be encountered in are typically those composed of rusted metal scaffolding in a concrete void. They have also been spotted near underground ponds, and one particular sublevel covered in blue shower tiles. This sublevel in particular is also infamous for its congregation of Dwarf Bulborbs (see 'Breadbug family').

The Fireflinger variant, in contrast, is found strictly above ground, preferring to keep to heights in places such as bushes. It is capable of thriving in bogs filled with poisonous water, though how it can survive such a brutal environment is still unclear. This durability is one of the many astounding things about this family.

DIET AND DEFENCES

Due to its cybernetic nature, this family does not require any sustenance to survive and in fact eats nothing at all. This, however, does not stop it from attacking everything in sight. Theories for its insanely aggressive behaviour range from it merely defending its territory, to it suffering in so much pain thanks to its cybernetic nature that it lashes out at any living thing it sees.

Its offensive capabilities are some of the wildest seen not just on PNF-404, but any ecosystem in the known galaxy. Its nozzle-like mouth is connected directly not to a stomach but instead a special chamber unique to this family, that is nonetheless linked to the stomach to create a chain of sorts. This chamber contains a fluid that is best described as 'explosive stomach acid'. Once the Groink encounters a living being it wants gone, it will stand still, take aim, and proceed to fire one-to-three shots of this acid in a manner resembling a cannon firing mortars. For the Gatling variant, its 'mortars' will explode on contact with any surface, organic or otherwise. Only direct hits are capable of killing, though it is capable of firing enough rounds to wear its opponent down regardless. The stomach acid of Fireflingers, however, are essentially solid balls of fire that will burn up any non-flame-resistant material it collides with.

The Groink, regardless of variant, is seemingly incapable of dying in a typical manner. The screen in front of its face makes it a hard target to strike, but those who succeed will find that the battle is not over yet. If it falls after a battle, it will revive after just a few minutes and return to firing explosions like it had never fallen. This makes it particularly dangerous. Note that the creature is only biologically immortal. Diseases, being ripped to shreds, and digestion will indeed kill them to the point where they cannot revive anymore. If one 'kills' a Groink, it is best that one tear it apart and/or devour it before it's too late.

SOCIAL STRUCTURE

Despite their aggression towards every single other living thing, Groinks can get along with each other surprisingly well. If you meet one Groink, another is sure to be nearby. However, they function perfectly fine on their own. A duo of Groinks often share a territory, one that can spread as far as the walls let it. They work together to defend this territory, firing their 'mortars' at anything that moves, occasionally blowing up walls to attack a plant.

Typically, if there is a duo of Groinks, one will roam around the territory on its own while the second chooses a point of high elevation and stands there. The stationary Groink will take on the function of a watch tower, firing down on living things from above.

COURTING AND CHILDREARING

One would think the cybernetic nature of the Groinks - which prevents them from going hungry or dying of old age - would also prevent them from procreation, but this is not an accurate statement. However, their reproductive capabilities are extremely low, serving as the only obstacle preventing them from taking over the entire ecosystem.

The majority of Groinks are born without working reproductive parts, though a few can easily be assigned the usual 'male' and 'female' sexes. Very rarely, a Groink may be born with both, and biological females seem to be somewhat more common than males. The odds of breedable Groinks encountering each other are next-to-none, but when they do meet, they wait no time and breed immediately.

The female is still the one who typically lays the eggs, though Groinks with mismatched internal and external genitalia can lead to 'outwardly males' being able to lay eggs too. Even the eggs have trace amounts of metal in their shells that give them a shiny appearance, and some eggs may have too much metal for the offspring to hatch without hurting themselves. The only difference between mature Groinks and hatchlings is the size - even from hatching, these odd creatures can fire out 'mortars'.

OTHER NOTES

Groinks do not change appearance much as they mature. The specimens typically encountered - those about 12cm in height - are in fact the children. Due to their long-lifespan and biologically-immortal capabilities, seeing fully-mature specimens is rare. Fully-mature specimens can grow larger than most Arachorbs.

NOTES FROM OTHER RESEARCHERS

Gatling Groink -

Ever look at something and think to yourself 'was the designer drunk when they created this'? That's the feeling I get whenever I look at this creature. No designer in their right mind would create something like this unless it was for a museum or something. - Alph

WHY?! - Brittany (Emily's Notes - Yes, this is really all she supplied me with.)

The firepower this creature has is astounding! If only we could tame one, we'd have one of the most powerful fighters you could find on this planet! … But getting anywhere near it gets you a bomb to the face, so I don't think that'll pan out so well. - Captain Charlie

Fireflinger Groink -

Despite its more threatening colour scheme, it's arguably LESS threatening than its gatling counterpart. But that's only because Red Pikmin are immune to the flames it shoots out, while no known Pikmin is immune to explosions. But to us captains? It's just as dangerous! - Alph

IT'S NOT ANY BETTER WHEN IT'S SHOOTING OUT FIRE INSTEAD OF EXPLOSIVE STOMACH ACID! - Brittany

I'm not entirely convinced these creatures are actually… creatures. The way this guy just sits there and rains fiery doom upon us makes it seem more like a weapon. But, according to Captain Olimar, it breathes. The fauna on this planet is, quite simply, befuddling. - Captain Charlie

Author Notes - Can you tell I was looking for an excuse to use the word 'befuddling'?

I never thought that I would ever be writing about 'intersex Groinks', but this is my life now. AND I LOVE IT! And I threw in that whole 'you just fight the kids and the grown-ups are much bigger' thing because I like being scary sometimes.

Anyway, next time we have a treat! In a series of four (!) parts for such a massive family loaded with diversity, we'll be talking about none other than the famous Grub-Dogs! In the following parts: Bulborbs, Bulbears, Bulblaxes, and Aquatic.