A friendly drink. "A sanity check." That's what Kaidan's email to the crew had called it. "Just a little shore leave to blow off steam and unwind a bit." Getting drunk in a loud bar wasn't exactly Garrus' idea of blowing off steam, but he'd give it a shot. Most of the crew still seemed relatively unsure of what to make of the Normandy's resident Turian, and a drink on the Citadel could help remedy that. And Shepard might come, he thought to himself.
But she didn't. "I'll hold down the fort while you all have some fun. You've earned it!" her message had said. So there he was, at a table in a loud bar, club music bass pulsing uncomfortably, Turian ale in hand, with three humans who didn't didn't like him, a Krogan who didn't like him, and an Asari who had never said a word to him. It sounded like the start of a bad joke.
For the first fifteen minutes he silently drank while the humans chatted about their favorite bars on Arcturus station, and Wrex silently snarled at him from across the table. When Tali finally showed up he breathed a sigh of relief. Besides Shepard, Tali was the closest thing he had to a friend aboard the Normandy. She was a young, energetic, sociable chatterbox who reminded him a bit of his sister, Sol. Once Tali had downed half a glass of triple-filtered Turian Brandy though a sterilized straw, she proved to be exactly the life this party sorely needed. For a few minutes, Garrus was even having fun. After another half a glass, things edged back toward awkward.
"What do humans find attractive?" she asked Kaidan pointedly after ordering another drink.
"What?" Kaidan laughed.
"I'm curious!" she whined. "I've been studying your people to try to understand you better. But I can't find much consistent information about relational cultural norms, such as attraction."
Ashley exchanged a glance with Kaidan. "And you need to know this because…."
"Science!" Tali said, raising her glass over her head. "I need to understand human relational dynamics to best acclimate to the social conditions of a human vessel."
"Uh huh," Ashley grunted dubiously.
"Uh… well," Kaidan began, stifling a laugh. "We can't answer for our whole species; Attraction sort of varies from person to person. Some like hair, some like legs..."
"Some like Shepard," Ashley added under her breath. Garrus sat up a little straighter.
"Well, what do you like, Kaidan?" Tali asked, teasing.
"Shepard," Ashley answered for him.
"Can it, Chief," Kaidan snapped back.
Ashley held up her hands in surrender.
"I don't know," Kaidan continued. "I guess I find adventurous, confident people attractive. Integrity is important too. And, you know, having a few interests in common. Things like that."
"I mean physically," Tali said, leaning forward against the table. "For Quarians it's all about the shoulder, waist, hips ratio."
"Uh. Alright. Again, there's no hard fast rule here… but, to me, lean and toned is attractive… Not so much into the muscle-bound look. I'm not terribly picky about gender or specific… anatomy, but I guess I generally go for people on the androgenous side."
"So... Shepard?" Ashley said with a wicked smile.
Garrus laughed with everyone. Kaidan didn't have to say anything. They had all seen the pining glances, the flustered conversation. The profuse sweating. The lieutenant wore his feelings on his sleeve.
"Yeah, yeah, okay," Kaidan said, rolling his eyes and holding up his hands to silence the laughter. "Yes. Shepard is very attractive. Okay?"
"But not all humans would agree?" Tali asked.
"Uh. Probably not," Kaidan said.
Tali turned abruptly to Joker. "Do you find Shepard attractive?"
"Yeah, I'm not going there," Joker said, focusing his attention on his beer.
"You are no fun!" Tali grumped, waving him off. "Ashley, what do you think?"
She shook her head. "Sorry, I'm only into men who can bench press me."
"Ha! I'd bet Shepard could biotically lift you and all your friends without breaking a sweat," Kaidan responded.
"Yeah, no. I like good, old fashioned, hard won, muscle…. And big dicks."
Kaidan choked on his drink, while Wrex patted him on the back, laughing loudly.
"So you have a fetish for large musculature and penises. Interesting," Tali said, slightly slurred, before turning to Liara. "What about you, Doctor T'soni?"
Liara blushed. "I thought you were trying to determine what humans find attractive."
"Well, now I'm trying to determine who on the ship is attracted to Shepard."
Her blush deepened as everyone stared at her expectantly. "The Commander has... many admirable features."
"That's a yes," Tali said, while the rest of the table hooted goodnaturedly. "Wrex?" Tali continued around the table, and Garrus' stomach turned as he realized he would be next.
"Hard pass," Wrex answered. Too tiny. I like women who can handle my… girth." He winked at Ashley.
"In your dreams, old man," Ashley shouted over the din.
Then Tali turned to Garrus, and he was certain she was grinning mischievously under that mask. "Garrus?" came the expected question in the most saccharin of tones. "What about you?"
Garrus cleared his throat. "I… uh… I don't really know how to assess human attractiveness," he fumbled.
"It's not about assessment, Garrus. It's about whether or not when you look at Shepard certain… base urges come up."
It had been known to happen. He thought briefly of how it might feel to slide his tongue along Shepard's clavicle, the almond scent of her soap tickling his nose as he ever so gently licked his way to the well of her throat. "I think I'm with Joker on this," he said, willing his voice not to quiver. "Best not to go there."
He was sure Tali was about to press him further when Ashley derailed her. "What about you, Tali? Does Shepard give you certain base urges?"
Tali made a show of considering the question carefully while the others laughed and exchanged looks. "Hmm… well," she began. "Human legs are all wrong… but if I look past that… absolutely."
Garrus snorted.
"Her 'ratios' are right?" Ashey asked, with a hint of venom.
"Not exactly, but she has other qualities that... transcend species." She really did.
"Such as?" Kaidan asked with a smirk.
"She's the captain of a fast ship," Tali said with a shrug. Garrus would have gone with Shepard's wicked aim with that pistol of hers... but sure, the ship was nice too.
"So you have a fetish for ships and their commanders?" Ashley said. "Interesting."
"I'm the one who flies the thing," Joker grumbled from the far end of the table.
"Yes, but Shepard commands it," Tali said dramatically. Garrus found himself nodding in agreement, which, when he spotted Wrex watching him critically, he tried to pass off as a head bop to the club music that was playing over the bar speakers.
Suddenly all of their omni-tools pinged simultaneously, signaling the approaching curfew. "And with that," Kaidan said, silencing his alarm. "Time to head back to our fast ship and attractive commander to get some shut eye and sober up before we say anything more we'll regret."
The others booed Kaidan, but they began to head out. It hadn't been such a terrible gathering. Awkward, but not terrible. There was even something oddly reassuring about hearing the others express admiration for the Commander's attributes. She had a magnetic effect. So what if he was a little attracted to Shepard? Not even attracted, really. Just... appreciative…. And a little curious. Totally normal.
"You are a liar," a voice hissed behind him.
He looked over his shoulder at Tali. "I'm a what?"
"A liar," she said, stumbling a little.
"When did I lie exactly?"
"Pretending that you aren't attracted to Shepard," she said, shaking a finger at him. "Lies!"
He shook his head and turned from her. "I'm going to bed, Tali."
"To dream of Shepard?" she teased.
He was more irritated by her drunken jibing than he should have been. "Why exactly are you so stuck on Shepard tonight?"
She leaned on his arm and whispered. "There is a quiet contest for Shepard's heart happening. Everyone thinks it's between Kaidan and Liara. But my credits are on a secret third contestant." She poked him in the side.
He snorted at the implications and shook her off. "I'd bet on Kaidan, if I were you, Tali."
"Come on!" she howled in exasperation. "You can't tell me you're not interested. I've seen you talking late at night, looking at the stars together."
Spirits. "I'm not making a play for Shepard, Tali. We're friends."
She tutted him. "And with an attitude like that, you'll stay that way."
He held up his arms in an exaggerated shrug and turned, backing away from her. "Fine with me."
"Liar!" she shouted after him.
Tali was drunk, and she was wrong. He wanted nothing but friendship from Shepard. It's totally normal to think of licking your friends, right? He shook his head. It didn't matter. He wouldn't be joining the contest for Shepard's heart. Friendship was plenty.
