A/N:
Sarnakh the Sunderer, words cannot express how thrilled I am to see a comment on the turtles all the way down. I've always wanted to have Toothless debunk the flat Earth concept (though, if I understand right, it was not a new concept in the time of Galileo), but once I found a way to wedge in the turtles, I just had to do it.
Dragonrider's Fury, if I play my cards right, this next section will leave you just as speechless as the last. ;)
Epclaymore, thanks for dropping a line. I'm slowly getting caught up again with my writing schedule.
Toothlessgolfer, glad ya liked drunken Toothless. Deadly-Bagel helped a lot with drunkifying his speech.
Beatdown
Toothless wandered the forest, muttering in frustration. The shadows underneath the sprawling canopy were as dark as night, but the rays of the morning sun stabbing through were blindingly bright. His cheek hurt from a branch that had only a biting reprimand for having been shoved aside so roughly, but worst of all was that he had lost something very important. It was anyone's guess how he could lose something so large, something that would unquestionably change his life for the better and grant him everything he ever desired.
Then he saw it – not the thing he was seeking, but signs that it must be nearby. The sun was almost perfectly aligned to shine through a tunnel in the canopy where branches were snapped by something crashing through. A splintered tree trunk marked the start of a furrow gouged into the grass, leaving pungent ridges of freshly-churned loamy soil.
He gasped in excitement. This! Was! It! The answer to all of life's questions, the solution to every problem, the thing he sought must be just over the ridge that this furrow led to. He crept up to the ridge and lowered himself to the ground to tentatively peek over–
THERE!
There it was! He couldn't believe it! His plan actually worked!
On second thought, of course it worked! he thought to himself. I never miss!
He whooped and cheered for himself as he scampered down the slope to claim his prize. This would solve everything! All would instantly respect him. He would be what everyone wished they could be because he had done what nobody else could do. Every viable female would soon be fighting for the honor of being his mate. He decided he might even be generous and share his greatness with several of them. After all, it would only be right for someone so magnificent to sire as many offspring as possible.
He scrambled over the ridge and down the steep hill, pressing himself against a large boulder at the bottom to catch his breath before facing the demon. He inhaled deeply and rounded the boulder, forcing himself to strut right up to his people's most hated enemy. It was absolutely beautiful, but he also knew that this thing was absolutely deadly too. He took a moment to revel in the thought that he alone, and none other before him, had managed to tear this evil monster from its flight and slam it into the ground.
Knife grasped in his shaking hand, he looked down at the demon. The thing was bound up tight, the ropes stained with blood from where they had cut through its hide from all the impotent thrashing the previous night. The thing couldn't even budge.
The demon opened an eye and looked at him. He never knew that such a monster could feel anything besides blind hate, but a vast pit of misery and resignation stared out of that demonic eye. The creature closed its eye and rested its head against the ground with a long exhale, as if sighing in resignation, exposing its neck and practically begging for death.
He wasn't one to argue. It wouldn't be as amazing a tale to tell as if the demon suddenly fought back and had to be subdued, but the fight was already won, the victor obvious long ago.
He lowered his knife to the neck, the tip of the sharp blade pricking the hide, but a thought came to him.
Would it be right to take a life under such circumstances, when he had an opportunity to interact with this creature and maybe even make peace with it? This demon was the last of its kind, as far as he knew, so would he be happy with himself for wiping all of its kind from existence? Did he really deserve the satisfaction of claiming this ultimate victory?
YES!
He plunged the blade in, and hot blood spurted everywhere, but at that same instant, something bit his neck. He gasped in pain and frantically looked around for what had bitten him, but there was nothing there besides himself and the demon. When he reached a hand to his own neck, he felt a trickle of warm blood.
It didn't matter! This was his moment, his victory! He thrust the blade deeper into the demon and felt the gnawing pain in his own neck flare even more.
"You cannot hurt us anymore!" he shouted defiantly as he jerked the blade out and plunged it in again. A searing pain blossomed in his own neck. His vision turned red and he grit his teeth as he wiggled the blade around, tearing at the demon's neck more and more, ignoring what felt like a knife cutting at his own throat. It must have been nothing more than imagination.
"You cannot hurt us anymore!" he shouted as he jerked the knife around. "You cannot hurt us anymore!" He felt the stiff resistance of the esophagus at the tip of the blade, deep in the dragon's neck. One more thrust and the demon would be choking on its own blood. "You cannot– HRK!"
His voice gave out with his last thrust. He looked down and saw his own blood gushing freely from his neck as he choked and spluttered. His head felt light and airy, his vision faded. He knew he was dying, but he also knew the demon was too, so he decided that it would be with a triumphant smirk on his face that he would take his last breath.
The world was all but blackness when he saw the demon's head suddenly lunge at him as it craned its neck around. Despair fell over him. The demon wasn't dead yet, and now it was going to bite his head off. He only hoped that it would eventually die on its own or at least be weakened enough that the next person who ran across it would be able to kill it.
A large, wet tongue flicked out and smeared itself across his face. He channeled his last dregs of strength into pushing the knife in even deeper, trying to laugh in victory around the gurgling in his throat, and the demon whined.
The licking assault did not cease and only grew more frantic with each lapping of the tongue. Light returned to his vision and he groaned, then squeaked in surprise that he could breathe before he spluttered on another slobbery assault.
He raised his arms to parry the tongue and glared defiantly at the demon. No, wait, something was amiss, he realized. It dawned on him that he felt smooth stone beneath him, not grass, and his head throbbed mercilessly. He looked up to see two acid-green eyes staring intently at him, and the demon… no, not a demon… a Night Fury, his precious Firefly! The poor thing was panting rapidly, snarling on the inhales and whining on the exhales.
He frantically looked around in bewilderment to see Astrid just off to the side, leaning against Stormfly's flank. Reality finally crept into his mind as he realized what had happened. Ever since Firefly had become a dragon whisperer, back before they changed bodies, his mind would project his dreams while he slept, which was disorienting and almost maddening for a dragon for whom imagination was a foreign and novel concept.
"Had a little nightmare?" Astrid asked casually. She still had that same smirk as when she said that the ale would burn Toothless. Toothless didn't like that smirk.
Firefly suddenly lunged forward and pounced, desperately curling around Toothless and trying to wrap every leg and wing and tail around him all at once, to revel in the fact that they were both alive and whole.
"Unnnnghhhh…" Toothless moaned. His head felt like it was splitting into two, again and again and again and again….
The snarling and whining eventually faded and Toothless was able to pick up the first coherent thought from his… dragon. {I suppose I now know what it's like to be you all those times I've had nightmares in the past.}
Firefly eventually unwound and Toothless raised himself to a sitting position – slowly, very slowly, to avoid making his head explode.
"So," Astrid said in a lilting voice, "what did I tell you about the ale burning you later on?"
Toothless groaned. "Head… hurt…"
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Astrid may have had that "I told you so" look on her face, but she was not without compassion. From her experience, a person would lop off their fingers with a sharp blade unless they endured a painful slice first, caution around a hot kettle was never exercised until one felt the pain of burning their hand, and a rider never learned to fully trust their dragon until they were dropped from high in the sky and caught again. Likewise, it was for Toothless' own good to experience drunkenness and a hangover, though Astrid and Hiccup did make sure that the poor guy didn't drink too much.
It was for that reason that she already had a cure already waiting for him, which began with a bucket full of cold water that she placed in front of him.
Toothless had eyes for nobody, mumbling over and over again, "I test. I fail. I hurt. Spitelout right. Not control. Not Firefly."
Astrid had no clue what he was rambling on about, but she leaned down and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Toothless, down on your hands and knees, and tip your head into this bucket. It will help. Trust me. Yes, that's it. Just hold your breath and plunge your head in."
Toothless paused in muttering his mantra and took a deep breath. As he dove in, Astrid asked Hiccup, "So, what's up with Toothless?"
The dragon projected his memory of the dream, which still had him shaken. In a breath of time, Astrid saw it all, and Toothless' mutterings suddenly made sense.
It was widely known that dreams would come to a person for a variety of purposes. Sometimes, it was meaningless imagery. Gothi, apparently, would see future events or potential situations in her dreams. Astrid had dreamed about Hiccup, back before they were married, when they craved each other but were too shy to say anything about it. Toothless had tattled on some dreams Hiccup had of Astrid, and the way he turned red and stammered was so adorable.
Now that Toothless was literally walking in Hiccup's boots, he must have wondered what would have happened if they switched places on that fateful night when Hiccup found the Night Fury in the forest. Astrid knew she would have killed the Night Fury instead of setting him free were she in Hiccup's boots, as would Stoick or any other Viking, even the bookish and squeamish Fishlegs. Freeing the Night Fury instead of killing him was an act that had all the appearances of absolute madness, but it led to something greater than anybody ever dared to dream of, and so long as Hiccup kept his head out of the clouds, Astrid never hesitated to admit that.
She grabbed a bit of rolled-up kale with mustard and vinegar slathered on the inside, a surefire way to wake up Toothless enough that he could make it to the outhouse without falling in, and handed it to him. Toothless pouted and pushed her hand away, but a withering glare made him cringe and accept it.
A loud grating noise jerked Astrid's attention behind her where a rotund Viking was sliding to sit on the bench even as it skidded across the stone floor.
"Isheawake?!" Fishlegs asked fervently, eyes twitching and impossibly wide, fingers writhing like a tangle of hyperactive worms. "Heisheisheis! Ohboyohboyohboy!" He started clapping giddily as he lunged forward to plop down in front of Toothless.
Astrid placed a restraining hand on his forehead. "Down, boy, down!"
Fishlegs slumped. "But I was swamped in work at the forge all day yesterday, and then Gobber made me leave him alone all night, and now he's finally awake and I wanna–"
Astrid slapped a hand over his mouth. "And if you could wait a day to meet Toothless in Hiccup's body, then you can wait for him to at least visit–"
"Outhouse, yes!" Fishlegs said excitedly, visibly fighting to restrain himself to not trip over his own tongue. "I'll take him to the outhouse and I know that the best cure for a hangover is some meditation in the morning and I've always wanted to meditate with Toothless but I never could because he's always too antsy and, ya know, Toothless, but now I can and I wanna–" He turned to Hiccup. "Hiccup, can I borrow your dragon? Err, rider? Toothless? CanIcanIcanI huhuhuhuh?"
Hiccup stared back, mouth agape, unable to come up with a rational response. Fishlegs was a strange person who could get very excited over trivial little details, but nobody had ever seen him bouncing off the walls like this.
After maybe a half-second of waiting, Fishlegs pumped a fist in the air. "Yes! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" He rounded on Toothless, who gulped in trepidation, and there was hardly any perception of motion before he was hopping along towards the doors of the Great Hall with Toothless slung over his shoulder, gleefully cackling. "We're gonna have so much fun Toothless I can't wait just you wait and see I'll– oh hey look you puked on me that's nice but I'll take care of you and we'll meditate and–"
The rest was lost as the door slammed behind him.
Astrid and Hiccup stared at the now-closed door, completely at a loss. She didn't even want to guess what sort of concoction he was on or why he was so giddy and eager to interact with a dragon-turned-human.
{Did I just see what I think I just saw?}
"Well… that just happened…"
Something heavy thumped down behind Astrid and she whirled around to see Stormfly ruffling her wings and twitching her head this way and that.
"Oh, 'mornin' Stormfly," Astrid said before letting out a yawn. The Nadder pressed her nose into Hiccup's snout, then into Astrid's hand.
{Hello, Zealot. Can I borrow your mate? I've always enjoyed fighting with Toothless, and Firefly looks like Toothless, and he needs to learn to run and fly and fight. Can I borrow him? I promise I'll be gentle. Please?}
Astrid opened her mouth to ask what in Midgard was going on, but Hiccup's tail was already clamped in Stormfly's maw as she dragged him bodily towards the Great Hall doors. Hiccup cast Astrid a pleading look, but she could only stare in blank shock as he was hauled away.
"And people always say me and Tuff are the weird ones," Ruffnut said as she slid onto the bench with Astrid, sliding a mug of ale over. "Here, Astrid, you look like you need this."
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Before waking up in the body of a Night Fury, Hiccup had never considered a physical fight to be an invigorating task. Sure, he had been forced to participate in training with maces that he could not lift and axes that he could not swing, and had even decided – well, was coerced by the woman he loved – to train with Astrid using more appropriate weaponry. It was always an exercise in enduring failure and frustration, which was something Hiccup was used to through his whole upbringing, and it always ended with exhaustion, sore joints, bruises, and most prominently the yearning desire to never do this ever again. At least Astrid never mocked or shamed him, though, but somehow, the mock-condescending smirk on her face would always compel him to get back up.
Somehow, though, when Stormfly forced him to play-fight with her, teaching him with a few light swipes of her claws on his belly that he had no choice in the matter, Hiccup learned a whole new angle. His body burned, his blood boiled, and he itched to swipe at her as he got into their little tussle. Lashing out at her scratched that itch in the most amazing way, and every time he tried to apologize for scoring her hide, she responded by trying to sink her teeth into his neck.
Of course, Stormfly stomped all over him, quite literally, but it took Hiccup by surprise how much he began to enjoy the experience. Honestly, it scared him that he was losing himself in the Night Fury, but by the time they were done, sprawled out and panting in satisfaction, he felt like everything in the world was just right.
There was one thing that surprised him even more, though. As he stood atop a grassy cliff and allowed Astrid to secure the saddle and tailfin, watching the sun sparkle on the waves in infinitely more detail than his human eyes had ever seen, he felt more alive and energized than before his sparring with Stormfly.
Said dragon caught his eye and trilled at him. {I told you that playing was fun.}
Hiccup looked down at a quill embedded in his leg and pulled it out with his teeth. {A dragon's body craves it, yes, but it's not who I am. It's not what I do.}
The Nadder snorted at that. She licked the leg where the quill was plucked out and presented her flank, which had a spot that Hiccup had hit with his claws but not with his tongue. He grimaced, but he already felt his instincts tugging his head forward so he could lick at the scratch.
{Firefly, tell me again why you think you're not a dragon?}
Hiccup rolled his eyes.
"Hey, with how you're licking my dragon, your girl might get jealous," Astrid chided liltingly as she tugged a strap tight on the tailfin. "Don't make me start licking Toothless, like we did that one night."
Hiccup froze, his limbs rigid, and he looked back at his wife. He could tell she was just pulling his leg, though, as it was written as plain as day in the emotions carried on her passive hum.
Still, Astrid paused and said, "You know I'm kidding, Babe, right?"
Hiccup curled around to offer a snout to her hand. {You do realize you're talking to someone who can literally sense a person's emotions from the far side of the island?} Astrid grinned and gave a playful thump to his snout. {And isn't it a bit early to have a mug of ale?}
"Shh!" she hissed at him and crossed her arms. "Toothless takes over my husband's body, then Fishlegs kidnaps him, and you've taken over Toothless' body and Stormfly drags you out for some sparring, leaving me to come to terms. And I only had half!"
She stood and walked over to Valka, who was standing nearby, holding their child. "You should be set," she said over her shoulder. "Check the fit."
Hiccup shifted his weight and swayed his tail. He thought back to how the saddle had felt those first few days; since he had fit it on Toothless before their souls switched bodies, it would be the ideal to aim for since he was well-practiced. With his perfect memory innate to dragons, he had no trouble at all comparing then to now. Granted, Astrid would have had no issue at all figuring it out since the buckles would have marks worn into the leather straps.
He gave a satisfied huff and wondered when Toothless and Fishlegs would show up, right as they came running in. Well, Fishlegs was running, that was for sure, but Toothless was clinging to Fishleg's back, fingers wrapped around the rotund rider's neck in what appeared to be an attempt to strangle him.
"Really, Toothless, you're making a mountain out of an anthill," Fishlegs said harriedly.
"You sat on me!" Toothless screeched indignantly.
"Well, if you would stop squirming around and cooperate so we could meditate properly…"
"You tried to kill me!"
Astrid rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I know, Fishlegs can be quite heavy."
"Hey!" Fishlegs squeaked. "That's not it, and you're not helping."
"Alright, then tell me," Astrid said as she shifted her child in her arms. "Why is Toothless trying to choke the life out of you?"
"He make me eat eel!" Toothless groused.
Hiccup yelped in surprise at that. He shifted over to sniff at Toothless, who was still clinging to Fishlegs' back and trying to choke him, but recoiled with a startled yelp, his nose wrinkling in disgust.
"Well, you see," Fishlegs said, "we know dragons hate eel, so I brought some smoked eel in a pouch… ya know, as a test… he's technically not a dragon, now… so…"
Hiccup chortled at that. {That is definitely a Fishlegs sort of experiment.}
Astrid buried her face into Hiccup's neck to stifle her laughter, ignoring Toothless who was grumbling about it not being funny. "So, did he like it?" she asked when she was able to control herself again.
"No!" was Toothless' biting reply.
"Actually, yes, and he asked for seconds," Fishlegs said.
"Until you told him what he was eating, I'm guessing?" Astrid asked.
Fishlegs nodded. "But really, Hiccup, Astrid, can you do something about this?"
Astrid huffed. "Fine. Toothless, what do you think you're doing? That's not right!"
The dragon-turned-rider slackened his insufficient grip around the wide neck and his shoulders drooped.
"Whew, thanks, Astrid," Fishlegs said, breathing a deep sigh of relief.
"That's not how you choke someone," she continued scoldingly. "You gotta wrap your entire arm around and pull from your back. Ya, that's it, and use your hand to grab the inside of the elbow on your other arm– yeah, nice."
"HRK– Not helping," Fishlegs gasped. He eventually backed up into Meatlug, who had just fluttered to a landing next to him, squishing Toothless and sending him wheezing and tumbling to the ground.
"Why's it always violence with you?" he asked Astrid in frustration.
She shrugged. "It's not violence. It's communication!"
Toothless picked himself up, snorted at Fishlegs, and walked over to Hiccup, who recoiled at the smell of his breath. "Your fault," Toothless said, pointing at Fishlegs.
"I guess that explains the real reason Hiccup doesn't eat eel anymore," Astrid idly said. "I recall he used to love the stuff."
"It was for science!" Fishlegs said indignantly. "Understanding demands experimentation."
"And what if someone doesn't like said experiments?" Astrid asked.
Fishlegs punched a fist into his hand. "Progress sometimes demands sacrifice!"
The Night Fury and his rider rounded on Fishlegs and growled.
"Uhh, I think it's time to go," Fishlegs squeaked to his dragon.
Toothless and Hiccup both lunged at Fishlegs, and even Astrid could tell it was all in play, but they tripped over each other, not that Fishlegs noticed as he vaulted his bulky frame into the saddle in record time and the pair took off.
Astrid chuckled as the Night Fury and rider untangled themselves. "Well, I suppose the race is on. Toothless, you bring Hiccup back safe and sound or I'll dunk you in a barrel of fresh eel." The rider glared at her. "Yes, that is a threat. Now go on, have fun, and don't forget to bring back that gemstone."
She turned at the sound of padding footsteps behind her to see the Zippleback with its riders already mounted up. "And you," she said scathingly, pointing an accusatory finger at Tuffnut, "get off lucky. This time. Running off on me when I didn't know about the soul swap, when you could have helped explain it, was not nice."
Tuffnut lost himself in laughter, wheezing between breaths, "You shoulda seen yourself, though. When you walked in and saw us dancing, you just stood there all like–" he dropped his jaw and made a mocking face.
Astrid sighed and said, "Stormfly..."
The dragon chirped and shot a gout of white-hot fire just over Tuffnut's head."
"Ah! Careful!" Tuffnut shouted as he ducked. "Somebody could get hurt. Wait, was that a warning shot or did you just miss?"
A quill flew to knock his helmet off his head. "Nevermind! Fly away, BB, they're angry!"
"No, stay," Ruffnut said. "I wanna see my bro get turned into a pincushion."
The two heads of the Zippleback looked back and forth at their two riders in confusion, but a sinister glare from Astrid sent it lunging over the cliff and flapping in the sky without hesitation.
