Thoughts of Death
Death. The word was so empty. No one can really comprehend how it feels to lose a loved one unless they've gone through it personally. Not many would know how it feels to lose everyone you love either. Dwelling in self pity is stupid though, I've learned that over the course of 15 years. I've also learned that burying yourself in your work or using other means of escape such as drugs and alcohol doesn't make the pain you feel go away either. Some times if you wait for a long time, and you let yourself heal from that loss, the pain subsides a little. You learn to live with what you've got. 15 years ago I had very little and after moving, I swore to myself I would make it out… and with faith and trust in something beyond my control... I still haven't.
-Flashback-
"Sirius we're going to be late!" My voice carried over the grumble of the muggles washing machine I had just started.
"Where's that blue tie that I had placed on the bed?" He yelled back.
"In the wash, it had a horrid stain on it!"
Sirius stocked into the room wearing nothing but his boxer shorts.
"Well now I have nothing to wear," he grumbled, with a flash of amusement in his eyes when I stared at his body suggestively.
"We don't have time remmmemmmber," he said in an annoying sing song voice.
I glared up at him and threw him a red tie.
"This won't go with the blue shirt though."
I handed him a white one.
"There," I stated. "Now hurry up, everyone will be waiting!"
"We still have 10 minutes, relax."
I nodded but moved quickly to get my dress on.
I smiled down at mini James. Harry James Potter actually, my godson. He gurgled and grabbed onto one of my fingers while laughing.
Sirius came up behind me, leaning his head on my shoulder.
"You sure you guys aren't going to take little Harry?" Sirius asked.
"Unless you want puke all over your dinner, I don't think so," Lily said walking into the room.
"You look lovely dear," James said with an affectionate smile.
"Come on people, fashionably late is one thing, 20 minutes is another. Mom the phone numbers are on the fridge," Lily told her mother ,who was going to be little Harry's babysitter tonight.
"Go on, you guys have a blast!" Lily's mother shooed us out the door. "Harry will be fine with me tonight."
"Will do mom," Lily said hugging her mother good-bye
We walked into the restaurant, immediately seeing Becca and Remus over to the side, sitting in a table meant for 6.
"Wow only half an hour late," Remus joked, looking at his none-existent watch.
"Sorry, first Harry up-chucked then Lily had to get dressed then get the phone numbers for her mom."
"That's alright," Becca insisted holding up her hands. "You're here now so sit down and lets get munching!"
So we all sat down and ordered.
"How's mini James anyway?" Remus asked, a smile tugging at him lips. "Last I saw him he was getting a diaper change from James. Seriously that was one of the highest points in my life, seeing James Potter changing his kids 'dippe'."
We all laughed loudly knowing the story by now. Apparently James made a hilarious face when changing the diaper. Remus actually fell on the floor laughing.
"Let's just be thankful it was James and not us that had the first kid," Sirius said smirking at James who was going red in the face from either annoyance or embarrassment. Which, I couldn't tell.
The whole night was filled with talking and laughing over stupid things. We never knew that would be the last time we would be together...
Sirius and I apparatated home that night and climbed into bed. At 1:00 that morning Sirius shook me awake.
"Riley", he called as I opened one eye tiredly.
"What?" I grumbled still half asleep.
"We have to go to the Ministry now, I just got an owl, it's urgent." He sounded worried and that was never a good thing, Sirius always took the cool and calm way.
"What's wrong?" I said pulling myself up and changing.
"I don't know, it didn't say, I just have a feeling its not going to be good news."
15 minutes later we were in a room with Becca, Remus and an Auror.
Becca was crying softly while Remus was holding her hand with a depressed look written on his face.
"What happened!" I almost yelled as I quickly rushed over to Becca.
Sirius walked over to Remus quietly and Remus muttered something quietly to Sirius.
"What?" I asked quietly seeing Sirius's face darken.
He came and sat beside me holding my hand.
"Lily's mother was murdered last night."
Terror hit my face.
"Who would do that?" I said shell-shocked.
Sirius gave me a look.
"Oh." Was all I said before a question sprung up in my mind.
"Is little Harry alright!"
"Yes, Lily's mother managed to floo him to Remus and Becca's house before she was murdered."
Pain filled my heart as I realized how Lily must have been taking this. Tears brimmed in my eyes and as hard as I tried to keep them back, they overflowed.
Sirius rubbed my hand and handed me a handkerchief.
"It's alright Ri," he said bringing my chair closer to him. "Lily and James are talking to Dumbledore at this exact moment; Remus said they want me to go over there in a minute. Could you stay here with Becca and Remus?" Concern was laced in his heavy gaze.
"Yes, I'll be fine," I murmured, a bit hurt that Lily didn't ask me to come as well.
"You sure?" Sirius asked tilting my head so I was looking him straight in the eyes.
"Yes," I said truthfully.
He gave me a quick kiss and told the Auror he was leaving, patting my back before he walked out of the room, his dark robe swishing out after him.
The next few days were absolute hell to say the least. Sirius refused to tell me anything but Lily and James had to go into hiding. When I asked how long he just shook his head with sad eyes. Then finally after the 4th miserable day, he told me.
"Riley! Don't you understand, I'm their secret keeper! I can't tell you," Sirius said, his voice getting softer with every word. "No matter how much I want to. I owe James a lot, I love you, but he's my best friend. I can't screw this up. I love Lily and James like they were my family, I can't let them down."
I wiped away the tears. "You could have just told me that in the first place, I would have understood."
He gave me a weary smile and a hugged me close to him.
"I'm sorry," he whispered quietly.
"That's alright," I whispered back, feeling content once again.
We lay down on the bed together, both exhausted from fighting when all we wanted was one another.
We went through the next few weeks trying to sock up as much happiness as possible. This was quite hard as every day there were new attacks. It was crazy out there. We went to countless raids, getting lots of nothing. Then the inevitable happened…
It was a foul night. I was immensely happy that I didn't have a shift tonight. I glanced at the clock. 11:00 PM, Halloween night. 6 or 7 muggle kids had came to the door wearing some ridicules costumes asking for candy. I of course handed them a stash of my Reese Peanut Butter Cups watching there little faces light up at the sight of chocolate.
The night had been reasonably quiet though, with only the mild sound of muggles firecrackers in the distance.
I feel asleep on the couch with a book in my hand only awoken by the frantic banging sound on the door.
'What the hell?' I thought annoyed. The clock read 4:00 AM.
I sat up feeling a bit nauseous. I started to worry as the banging got louder. 'Was everyone alright?', 'is Sirius okay!' all the unanswered questions made my head hurt.
I ran to the door feeling shaky on my sleepy legs.
I opened the door without thinking and came face to face with Remus.
"Is Sirius okay?" I almost screamed at him "What about everyone else! Is Lily okay! What about James? And Becca, is she alright?"
By then Remus had tears splattered down his shirt.
"James and Lily," was all he got out before banging the door frame with his fist. "Voldemart, he found them!"
The tears were already poring down my face as well, I let out a sob of grief. I opened the door and pulled him in.
"Does Becca know?" I asked quietly.
"No," he sobbed. "I don't have the heart to tell her. Will you Ri? You're strong."
All I could do was shake my head before I heard more banging on my door.
I got up and opened it.
Becca was standing there with a white face filled with horror.
"Riley," was all she got out before fainting on my door step.
Remus and I hulled her in placing her on the couch. We sat on either side of her both too scared and confused to talk.
The next morning I was still awake trying to process the thought when there was a knock on the door, this time it was soft and not so demanding though.
I got up and slowly opened it to find Dumbledore standing there, sympathy lining his old face.
"Miss Black, I'm so sorry about the Potters." Was all he had to say.
I motioned him in, not bothering to talk. He swished his wand and an old cozy looking lazy boy popped up. He sat down, the grave expression not leaving his eyes.
"Someone found out," Remus stated.
"You don't really think…?" I asked with outrage clear in my voice.
"Nooo," Becca stuttered getting what we where talking about, "He would never."
"Now, let's not jump to conclusions," Dumbledore said wisely.
I nodded, feeling sweaty and faint.
"Riley are you alight? You look deadly pale." Becca commented with a worried look.
"I-" But I never finished because I fainted. The world disappeared into blackness as two worried voices shouted out to me.
-
Sirius was lying on a dirt ground, blood running from his mouth.
I held him in my arms shaking my head, tears dampening my face.
"Sirius don't die, don't die! I can't let you die!" I shouted, pulling his almost black hair out of the blood..
I heard a distant sound; someone else was shouting too, I wished they'd stop… I just wanted to be alone.
"Ri?" I looked down . Sirius was alive.
"Sirius!" I held him tightly, "YOU'RE ALIVE!"
The night came back to me.
My arms fell to my sides as I looked at him with wide eyes.
"Did you sell Lily and James to Voldemart?" I asked, none of my emotions showing in my voice.
"Of course not!" He half yelled "How could you even think that Riley!"
-
"Riley? Are you awake?" My eyes flew open.
I was shaking hard and my body was covered in cold sweat. A worried pair of eyes where staring down at me. Becca.
"Becca… Sirius, where is he?"
The look in her eyes grew sad.
"No one has heard from him Ri, I wanted Dumbledore to tell you but I…"She said this in a rushed voice.
"It's alright." I cut her off in a hollow tone.
It wasn't, I was anything but alright.
Ha! My god, how long has it been...? Over a month that's for sure! I had tones of homework so yeah (Plus I was grounded from the computer for awhile) … it's not an excuse really. I could have started getting up at 3:00 and writing till 5:00… but then I'd be pretty tired so yeah… plus the fact that it's crazy. Lol. I know real writers do it, but I already suffer from a lack of sleep I don't think I need more of that. Anyway I cut this chapter in half because I sort of hate extremely long chapters… like that last one. I should of split that one, damn, but oh well. Would anyone be interested if I did a sequel to this? I don't know yet but I have this idea. I'm not going to say anymore than that but I just wondered.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Okay. Well I got to go but hope you enjoyed the chapter and all get the next one up ASAP!
Luv Nikki
