The Hatchling- Part 8

One thing that I had never anticipated happening when I became a Raven, was the amount of inactive time that was suddenly thrust upon me. In between the handful of missions and Arena fights that I was eligible to do, there was nothing to do except lie in my sparse little apartment and wait. To me, this was the greatest inconvenience, because with all this time there was nothing for me to do but think, and the more I got to pondering my current position in life and what I had done to get here, I was learning to hate it and despise myself for it. The irony of my situation was intolerable to the point where I had to suppress the urge to kill myself on several occasions. Then reason took over and I was saved for one more day. Dying now wouldn't appease anything or help avenge my parents.
It was just so hard, knowing that I had become the one thing I had been predisposed to hate. If it were anyone else my age I'm sure that they would be stoked, especially with how far I've come. I had fought my way to the head of the "E" class in the Arena, flawlessly destroying every inexperienced and under equipped Raven with only my default model AC. If it weren't for the fact that my rifle's rounds kept sending their heat levels through the roof, then it probably wouldn't have went so smoothly. I had also managed to improve the generator, back weapons, laser blade and purchased a new rifle. It was far from the "Excellent" unit I longed for, but that I would have to work harder for.
The real crusher was when I took my first sortie, er, mission. Since Kisaragi didn't have anything for me to do yet, I was given permission to run contracts for other corporations. Since I was so low in rank, only a few low paying jobs were available, but if I hoped to go any higher in the Arena, I'd have to prove my worth on an actual battlefield.
Anyway, I accepted a request from Crest, one of Kisaragi's main competitors, to eliminate some workers holing up in one of their factories. Apparently, the factory was set to be closed in order to accommodate the increasing need for housing, and the workers at the factory were prepared to use whatever means necessary to keep it open, having modified their work MT's for combat. Obviously whatever weapons they had in their possession was no match for an AC, and that's why they were hiring out a Raven to do their dirty work, rather than risk the lives of any of their security staff. Something was nagging at me as I considered the request, a tightening knot in my stomach telling me that this was the wrong thing to do, but what choice did I have. If I couldn't pull off a few missions, then I wasn't going to get anywhere. Reluctantly I accepted, reminding myself that the money was going towards my killer AC. Little did I know the agony that awaited me when I got there, those final desperate radio calls from the factory workers still crying, pleading in the back of my mind. They never stood a chance...

"They sent in a Raven?!"

"Oh, no..."

"Uaahhh!"

"Help me..."

You couldn't begin to imagine the devastation I felt when I was through removing... murdering, those workers. Maybe if they were terrorists or some other form of degenerate life I wouldn't feel the way I did, but damnit these were just normal people just trying to cling desperately to the last shreds of their decency in this machine-controlled society. Under the delusion that I was going to better my AC and myself, I had become no better than the Ravens I was trying to rid myself of. And for what, a few thousand credits? It made me sick, and I don't think I'd ever be able to rid myself of the shame that I had had purposely brought upon myself today.
I couldn't get back faster to my AC's lockup and get back to my apartment. I wanted, needed to be alone, fast. I stored my unit hoping to get back to my place quickly, but Laine, my contact, was waiting for me at the holding bay. I wondered why she would take the time and come here of all places. Turns out she was waiting for me, which translated to another inconvenience for me.
"Not bad for your first mission Scarred, a perfect "S" rank performance."
"Yeah, real perfect." I replied sarcastically, the workers last words echoing louder now. I felt like shit and it showed in the paleness of my complexion. Well, Laine saw it anyway...
"Are you okay?"
"What do you think?!"
I realized I was acting like a jerk. Laine didn't deserve to get yelled at for caring, plus it was making me even more nauseous. I broke for the nearest bathroom as fast as I could, barely making it to an empty stall before I started retching. I was a miserable sight, throwing up and crying, from both the awful pains in my stomach and the terrible guilt of what I just did. The bathroom door opened a few seconds later and I heard the soft tapping of Laine's heels approach the stall I was bent over in. I expected this whole speech about me not being able to cut it as a Raven and that I was too young, but to my amazement, I didn't hear any of that. Instead she knelt down and put her hand on my shoulder, an attempt to comfort me? Such acts of familiarity between a Raven and their contact was practically unheard of, so why was she bothering with me?
"It's okay. What you did today was more than any single person should have to experience, especially someone your age."
I stifled my tears, trying to brush off her seemingly empty plays at sympathy.
"You don't have to do this..."
"What, care? What kind of a contact would I be if I didn't try to understand where my people were coming from."
I noted and favored the way she referred to me as a person, not just a Raven. Maybe she truly did care about me. I wiped my tears and turned to her, extremely appreciative about what she just said.
"Thanks. I'm sorry."
"Forget it. Come on, fix yourself up, you're a mess. Is that the face you want people to see when they consider hiring you?"
I got up wearily and brought myself to a mirror. Laine was right, I looked terrible. My hair, while manageably short, was incredibly disheveled, going in every conceivable direction. God I hated my hair. Almost mockingly it had grown long over my face on the right side, but only short bangs grew on the left, conveniently displaying the large scar that had formed over my left eye from my first fight back in Avalon. The scar will be with me forever, a reminder to everyone that I'll give up anything to get what I needed to get done accomplished, but for now I can clean up my face a little.
"Not exactly the cutest chick in the nest."
"That's okay, that's not the reason you're here, is it?"
"Guess not..."
"Speaking of which, I have another job lined up for you. That is, if you're up to it right now."
She turned and started walking out.
"If you're interested, I'll be at the holding bay."
I really didn't feel like another mission today, but after all that Laine just said to me, how could I say no? It didn't rid me of my sins completely, but her words were something to think about for now. What's a Raven with a guilty conscious to do?
A flicker of light overhead. I looked to the small slot window overhead, which actually didn't make much sense because sunlight and fresh air rarely ever came into these underground structures. Something black was fluttering down, landing in the sink that I was standing at. It was a feather, large, black, I swear I had never seen anything so beautiful before. I picked it up and nuzzled it close, letting the soft bristles brush against the disfigured side of my face. Maybe it was a divine symbol, or just a very unlikely coincidence that this sign ended up in my hands, but whatever the case, it filled me with warmth. Killing was shaping out to be an everyday practice for me, and if I wasn't strong enough to go through with it, then I didn't deserve that AC parked outside. So, with this newfound motivation, I strolled outside and back towards the holding bay.

(END CHAPTER EIGHT)

Forgive me if this chapter was a bit gloomy, but I needed to remind readers that this is an angst-based fanfic about a young woman struggling with the world and her own demons. Don't worry, it shouldn't get much darker than this in the future...