Spending the night in a chair was something Kazuma knew from his old days as shut-in gamer. He had mastered the art of making himself comfortable with limited space available and going to sleep by the first rays of sunlight until early afternoon. A sense of nostalgia flooded over him when his body did the stretching of stiff muscles on autopilot.
The expected shivers from being cold didn't occur and a small weight on top of him turned out to be one of the blankets from Megumin's bed. The archwizard herself was nowhere to be seen, most likely up and about for hours already. Kazuma pulled the heavy fabric off him and stood up, marveling once again about the properties of his new and enhanced body. Megumin had let him sleep in, but he was sure only a few hours would have been enough to erase all the accumulated fatigue.
His old self would have used this ability to game for days without mental or physical repercussions. Current him was a bit clueless how to start the day after clearing almost every worthwhile quest to the point it endangered the monster ecosystem.
The staggering amount of skill points he had gotten were another headache. Technically, Kazuma wasn't using his adventure class anymore and leveling up changed as much as spitting into a lake. Unless he got bored and wanted to branch out, it would be wise to save his points for a rainy day.
With that thought completed, Kazuma decided to get a very late breakfast.
"Where is my sword?"
KONOSBUA!
A badass devil didn't sprint, he stylishly puts distance between his starting point and destination in a quick manner. That's how Kazuma excused his current behaviour of rushing through the mansion in search for the explosive perpetrator who stole his weapon. All the while he cursed his own stupidity for this mistake which could have been easily avoided.
Devil-chan had explained that his new power came with a few perks found in video games to emulate the abilities of Vergil. One being an inventory where he could store and even equip items in an instant. An inventory he had used before to transport all the monster corpses to the guild hall, so forgetting about it was doubly unforgivable!
Down the stairs and to the left, Kazuma entered a big dining room and promptly had to duck from a mug thrown at him. The thing shattered against the wall behind him and small droplets of water hit the back of his head. He wiped the clear liquid off and instantly felt an uncomfortable tingle between his fingers.
A blue head of hair vanished under the table, replaced by the tips of two boots poking out under the table cloth. "Don't get any closer! There's more where that came from you devil!"
Ok, now he began to feel a bit bad. Aqua had purified her coffee into holy water and thrown it at him as a last resort, before hiding under the table and spouting challenging words. Kazuma would be angry if the scene hadn't been so sad to look at.
The threat of retaliation in the guild, the destroyed barrier and her wrecked room had made quite an impression on the easily scared goddess. Usually she turned to Kazuma for help whenever she became this pitiful, but him being the reason for her fear, the archpriest didn't have anywhere to retreat.
Even though his instincts told him not to bother, Kazuma lifted the tablecloth and crouched down to sit beside the shaking girl who head her head between the knees.
He petted her head like a scared animal. "You can stop worrying. I won't attack you out of the blue."
"I don't trust scummy Kazuma and won't take sympathy from a devil…"
He stopped petting and poked her cheek with a finger. "You realize that you could just ask me to make sure, right? Remember, I can't lie to you anymore."
Aqua put her head back to hide her face, ears getting beet-red from embarrassment. "O… of course I know! Don't think the praiseworthy Aqua would forget something that important! I'm just not doing it because that would be cheating!"
"..."
"Ah, Kazuma looks like he listened to the ramblings of a child and doesn't believe a word! What kind of impression do you have of me?!"
That's a question he really didn't want to hear today. She had asked and her stupid priest power compelled him to answer, although he really didn't think anything good would come from honesty.
"Aqua, on our first meeting I thought you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, but it didn't take a minute before you made fun of my pathetic death. To be told with a smile that my family laughed at my corpse was the most hurtful thing anybody has ever done to me. From that moment on, I categorized you under heartless bitch in my mind and acted accordingly when an opportunity for revenge appeared."
Aqua's interested nods while listening got slower and slower.
"I admit ripping you from your home was an overreaction. Seeing you struggle in this world gives me no satisfaction anymore. I just want to make things work between us, yet every time I give you an opportunity to hurt me, you do it without hesitation."
Maybe this compelled truth thing had a good side after all. Kazuma felt a lot lighter around the chest.
"Despite all that, I still consider you a friend. An alcoholic, whiny, arrogant, inept and leachy type of friend, but still my first friend in this world."
He turned to Aqua and expected a smug look or disgusted expression. He got the former, but it came way too slow and stiff as if somebody tried to jumpstart a faulty engine.
"W… Well… if Kazuma values my company so much, I consider overlooking his disgusting existence as devil and keep him around for a small donation to the axis church and eternal gratitude … guh… Kazuma's eyes are turning so cold!"
"Just tell me where Megumin and Darkness are and I'm out of your hair for today."
Aqua put a finger to her chin and stared ahead in deep thought. "Hmm… Darkness said something about meeting a friend in town and Megumin was looking for a weapon shop with your sword under her arm."
Kazuma hoped his constant eye twitches wouldn't become a chronic condition.
"Kazuma?"
"Yeah?"
"H… how much nicer would I have to be for… Why are you running?!"
KONOSUBA!
Kazuma reached the townsquare in record time, having escaped the mansion fast enough to feel the blood in his shoes. After a quick stop at the best tailor in town, the young man had slipped back into his freshly restored Vergil outfit. The money had come from keeping some of the more valuable monster materials for himself and selling them on the market for an astonishing sum.
It even sufficed for a nifty mending enchantment, which would make the outfit repair itself from damage over time. Vergil's clothes being just fancy cloth and not armor in any way, the service hadn't even been that expensive. Nobles with money to spare wore this kind of outfit and were always looking for new stuff instead of fixing their existing wardrobe.
The whole look felt almost complete with his beloved sword as the only thing missing. Axel had a lot of weapon shops as adventurer city, but he was confident any shop owner would remember Megumin as their customer. All he had to do was ask around if an eccentric loli archwizard had come to make business.
His mood at the time would decide if he exchanged the loli part with something nicer.
"Hey Kazuma, what's up with the new clothes? Did you win the lottery or something?"
Two adventurers Kazuma knew, Dust and Keith, approached him with suspiciously kind smiles. Sometimes they hung out together at the guild and went on occasional binges after a quest. They were friendly enough, even if they pestered him for handouts too often.
"Just felt like dressing better today. Have you seen Megumin?"
"Your bratty archwizard? No, we haven't but there's something much more important we need to discuss as fellow man!"
"I really don't have time for fooling around..." Kazuma said in a serious tone, already imagining the worst happening to his poor sword.
"Not even for secret shop run by succubi who can grant you any sexual fantasy with amazing dreams?"
"Well, I guess if its on the way… show me!"
Moments later, Kazuma stood in front of an inconspicuous door with much less enthusiasm than before. The reason for that was the price he had to pay them for showing the way and his lack of resolve to walk away from this obvious scam. At this point, he expected to be shoved into a rundown bar while they ran away cackling with his money.
Two steps in, the young man seriously considered naming his firstborn after them. The erotic atmosphere on the inside was in stark contrast to the plain exterior and Kazuma imagined high-class stripclubs looking like this on his old world.
The female employees were wearing so little clothing it seemed pointless and every single one of them was at least a nine-point-five out of ten on the hotness scale. Three cute blondes with massive bust sizes greeted the adventures at the entrance, but while Keith and Dusk were led to their booth, his succubus seemed to have other plans after one glance.
"The booths are all occupied for now, so please follow me to the personal area in the back."
Too engrossed to argue, Kazuma followed the succubus like a puppy with several more succubi excusing themselves from their current clients and following them. They went through a silk curtain to lead him to a spacious couch where he sat down, more than a dozen scantily clothed bombshells staring at the nervous teenager . "So… I haven't introduced myself. My name is Satou Kazuma and I'm looking forward to your dream service. Is it like a menu or do you get a questionnaire with multiple choice?"
Their leader, a red-haired woman in a black bikini, sprouted her wings and pointed at his face.
"Get him!" Every succubi in the vicinity pounced Kazuma in a way he wasn't very fond of experiencing. Two dozen elongated claws had pierced his body when they transformed their petite hands in monstrous weapons.
The leader giggled haughtily at the bloody display. "You shouldn't have come here, fool! We succubi don't take too kindly to unknown devils trampling on our territory. Make your last words count!"
Surrounded by bloodthirsty furies ready to shred him to pieces, Kazuma did the only thing he was capable of at the moment; Emitting a sigh as deep as the ocean while wallowing in self-pity.
"I should have known this whole thing sounded too good to be true. Guess I'm leaving."
And with no more words to spare, he stood up and walked away in a sullen mood, dragging all the succubi who had their claws still inside his body with him across the floor. Some tried to resist and failed miserably when all their efforts and attacks had no effect on the depressed young man.
"Why aren't you fighting back?! You came to take over this place, didn't you?"
Kazuma stopped with a confused look and the crying succubi used this opportunity to pull their limbs free from his torso and regroup around their fuming leader. "Beg your pardon? I know about this place for maybe fifteen minutes!"
"Filthy liar!" yelled the smallest succubus with the flattest chest in the group. "Even now we feel the influence of your power. As succubi, we are cursed to only feel desire for powerful devils and never be able to act upon it!"
Her meager assets made it much easier for Kazuma to talk to her. "Why is that?"
"Are you playing dumb to torture our poor hearts? All devils are genderless and completely asexual!" Loli succubus got agreeing nods from her better endowed colleagues and felt smug because of his panicked expression.
The smugness of the loli-bus shattered when Kazuma stretched the waistband on his pants to look into them with a thoughtful look. "No, I'm pretty sure my little Kazuma is still the same, if not a bit bigger in some places. It could be the flattering light in here though."
Several eyes were drawn to his pants to verify his claim, until their leader reprimanded them. "Don't be fooled so easily by the lies of this devil!"
"Half-Devil actually and I resent being called a liar."
You could hear a pin drop in the following silence. Every eye directed at him had developed a new type of intensity and he nervously blurted out what came to his mind. "Technically speaking, I'm a half-devil which means the power of a devil but…"
"... the flesh of a human!" the head-succubus finished his sentence and the sudden mumbling around him unnerved Kazuma to new heights.
A single step towards the exit made hell break loose in an instant. Any emotional restraints from the succubi dissolved as they pounced for a second time and a completely different reason. In the face of so many attractive females gasping and moaning his name with lust, Kazuma's social awkwardness burned brighter than ever.
"Listen!" he dodged and weaved through mass of naked flesh as red as a tomato. "I'm flattered to have your interest, but my heart isn't ready for a steady commitment and I would really like to get some dry runs in dreams before losing my virginity with a partner."
His proclamation of being untouched had the opposite effect on most of them, shrieking and fighting harder to be the first succubus in history to pop a devil cherry. Only their leader had enough mental fortitude left to answer him. "Our service only works on humans. Devils are completely immune to our dream magic."
Kazuma stopped dodging and stood stockstill with a sudden aura of pure despair that repelled the succubi like an electric force field.
"Is that so? That's a pity…"
Thoroughly depressed again, Kazuma left under the enamoured stares of every succubus of the establishment, until he entered the streets were they couldn't follow him.
"Please stop!"
"We will grant you any desire!"
"Let us carry on your bloodline!"
Their desperate please didn't even garner a head turn. Satou Kazuma wasn't looking for quick satisfaction with just anybody who was willing to have him. His dreams were bigger and sadly much less defined due to his inexperience with women. Exploring his desires safely in the confines of dreams would have been the perfect solution for a socially inept guy like him.
Alas it wasn't meant to be and he decided to handle this disappointment like any man would in his shoes.
KONOSUBA!
"Mommy, why is the sad man on the bench crying with a blank face?"
"Shh, don't point at him!"
The main plaza of Axel was the perfect place to ponder life and wait until your freshly shredded clothes have fully self-repaired. The view was nice, the sky remained cloudless all day and the appetizing smell of freshly made food wafted over to him from nearby stands.
He may have lost the key to paradise, but the many advantages of his new power exceeded the single disadvantage. That's what he would tell himself over and over tonight until falling asleep without wonderful dreams.
Maybe a few more minutes of pondering wouldn't hurt before continuing his search.
If only this bench could be more comfortable.
Deep in thought, the back of his head suddenly sank into something soft and bouncy. The decision to use this chance of getting more comfortable was made and Kazuma leaned backwards to fully use the new headrest.
"Darkness, you are a true friend to comfort me with your body in times of need!"
"I'm just restraining you! Don't get so comfy between my breasts!" The voice of his crusader sounded indignant and excited at the same time. "And I won't even ask how you guessed it was me by touch alone, you vile fiend!"
True to her claim, Darkness had approached Kazuma from behind and was currently holding him in a full-nelson hold. It had the wonderful side effect of pressing her bountiful chest into his neck. The downside, at least in theory, was that he shouldn't be able to move anymore.
"Hello Kazuma." In the same manner as last night, the silver-haired thief Chris appeared from the shadows of a nearby tree. "My good friend Darkness had a lot of interesting things to say about you. Things a devout follower of the Eris church like me can't ignore."
The crusader behind her began to fidget out of guilt and her nervous movements emphasized the soft mounds against him even more and Kazuma sighed in bliss. "For the record, I want to point out my doubt that any story out of the mouth from this pervert wasn't exaggerated to satisfy her own lewd fantasies. Especially if you consider that she is freshly bathed and left her armor at home to provide a very intimate and fragrant cushion for me."
"Be that as it may," Chris said without missing a beat, neither confirming nor denying his claims to the great distress of Darkness. "The gist of it is true, isn't it? You made a deal with a devil to come back to life more powerful?"
"Yeah, that sums it up pretty good. I guess your goddess Eris has a similar stance against devils as Aqua?"
It could be his imagination, but Chris seemed to falter for a moment when he made the comparison. "Even more so than Aqua! You have to renounce the pact with this devil to receive forgiveness from the goddess Eris!"
Listening to her lecture, Kazuma contemplated over how first impressions can be very misleading at times. Chris had always acted like a sensible and kind girl with potential to become his crush after gaining more maturity in the chest department.
Too bad she turned out to be another zealous nut.
"Interesting proposal, but I have something better in mind!" Kazuma made himself more comfortable between his boobpillow and Darkness shuddered in delight. "I will do what I want and simply don't care what your goddess wants from me."
"Kazuma, you will make Eris very angry!" The usual cool and laid-back thief started to pout and he saw the first signs of welling tears.
"I already met another goddess and wasn't that impressed with the customer service. So what's the major malfunction with yours? Is she also a raging alcoholic? A compulsive liar? Maybe she's a greedy bitch that compelled the world to name its currency after her? Wait a second… if Darkness is a follower as well… could she be the deity of a freaky S&M cult?"
Chris lost her composure completely, grabbing Kazuma by the collar and shaking him. "Stop spreading weird rumours about my religion! The axis church does that enough already!"
Those screeching wails had some familiar tunes to Kazuma's ears, invoking images of a certain archpriest waiting for him at home. Why should he change from one useless goddess to the next?
It was better to stay with the devil that you know!
Steeling himself with a deep breath, Kazuma was ready to make his determination known to the world. "I, Satou Kazuma, proclaim eternal admiration for my beloved devil-chan!"
"BE PURGED YOU BLASPHEMOUS AND UNREPENTANT HERETIC!" Chris stabbed Kazuma through the chest with her magic dagger.
There was no scream of pain or yelling of profanities, just a young man ushering a last shaky breath and sinking backwards into Darkness with lifeless eyes.
"Mommy, they killed the sad man!"
"Don't look honey! Somebody call the police! Open murder in the streets!"
Darkness stared in horror at the motionless head of Kazuma between her chest, blood trickling out the corners of his mouth. Chris let go of the murder weapon stuck inside him to the hilt and crumpled to the floor under the judgmental blank stare of a corpse that used to be her friend.
"Why did you do that?!" Darkness cried and laid his body down on the bench, completely ignoring the surrounding pandemonium of panicking townsfolk in favor of her dead party member.
"I got carried away from all the devil talk!" Chris was crying as well, wiping away her endless tears in frustration. "I can fix this! I just need to finish the necessary paperwork in time! Get him to Aqua for a resurrection!"
By the time the thief had vanished, the plaza was completely in turmoil. Darkness had remained at her place, sitting on the bench with Kazuma in her arms as his blood soaked her down to the underwear.
She didn't have the emotional strength to get up.
Any minute now, everything would be crawling with guards to take her away for a heinous crime she helped to commit.
A crime that couldn't be reversed.
Chris didn't know that their leader had already died once. Nobody could be brought back a second time.
"I'm sorry… I am so sorry… forgive me… "
They had lost Kazuma forever.
"I appreciate your apology and accept it. Darkness sure is comfortable for such a robust woman."
The tall blonde screamed in fright from the sudden monotone voice and threw Kazuma away. He changed his trajectory midair to land on top of a nearby fountain and did a deep bow to a gaping audience. "I hope everyone enjoyed the little preview for our upcoming show, a gripping tale about the tragic downfall of an evil flat-chested thief and her perverted crusader. It's coming to a theater near you soon, so please look forward to it!"
Darkness watched speechless as her alive leader kept working with the crowd and somehow convinced everybody that their confrontation was a harmless stage play. Some even complimented him about the effects and asked how he made the wound look so real.
Kazuma found the crusader later on the bench, laying on her side and facing the backrest with a pout. "I don't know what you're mad about. It was the only way to keep you both out of jail and I really didn't have to help after your little stunt."
DESTROYER ALERT! DESTROYER ALERT!
ALL CITIZENS, EVACUATE AT ONCE!
ALL ADVENTURERS, EQUIP YOURSELVES AND REPORT TO THE ADVENTURERS GUILD!
ESPECIALLY SATOU KAZUMA! … PLEASE?
The emergency message ripped Darkness out of her funk and she sprang on her feet to see Kazuma already walking towards the town exit.
"You heard the nice lady and it came just at the right time. I really need to vent again."
"You could vent on me…"
The deep happiness of still being able to talk with Kazuma in such a crude manner was indescribable for the young woman. Darkness believed with confidence that their leader was the most unique man she will ever meet and they barely had scratched the surface during their short relationship.
To what unfathomable depths could he drag her?
"Shut up, stop gawking like a bitch in heat and follow me you masochistic erosader!"
"Hng so harsh…!"
