Author's Note: Updated my OTH pictures in the online photo album. Added a bunch more including some from this weekend's Sunkist tour in Atlanta. I only have four from that event but it was kind of hard to take pictures and get around because I've been on crutches for almost a week and a half. But I met James and Joy and met Lee and Tyler again. And the best part was meeting Mark Schwahn. Everyone was so awesome, as usual, so be sure to check out my homepage for the new pics…
2012
Winston Salem, North Carolina
Peyton curled up on the hotel bed in the Holiday Inn in Winston Salem. A TV hummed in the background as the hustle and bustle of cars and other sounds could be heard in the small city's nightlife as the noise trickled in through an open window. Looking around, the blonde sighed as she caught yet another glimpse of the object opposite her on the table. Sighing heavily, she stood, walked right past it and put a CD in its player. She put the song on repeat. It was a rare live version of Paul Westerberg performing "Here Comes A Regular". It had been Ellie's favorite song…
Well, a person can work up a mean mean thirst
After a hard day of nothin' much at all
Summer's past, it's too late to cut the grass
There ain't much to rake anyway in the fall
Sometimes I just ain't in the mood
To take my place in back with the loudmouths
You're like a picture on a fridge that's never stocked with food,
I used to live at home, now I stay at the houseAnd everybody wants to be special here
They call your name out loud and clear
Here comes a regular, call out your name
Here comes a regular, Am I the only one here today
She climbed back on the bed, lying on her back, staring up at the ceiling, as she tried to comprehend the last few years of her young life…
Jake and Peyton had fallen asleep on the sofa, as the telephone rang in the middle of the night. Ellie was on the other end, informing the couple that the twins, after a fun filled day, had fallen asleep at her house and if it was okay, that they would be sleeping there.
"We don't mind but where in the world did you guys go?" Jake checked his watch. "We were getting worried. I thought you were just taking Micah and Mason to the beach."
Ellie shrugged.
"I did. I took them to Myrtle Beach."
Peyton smiled as she joined the conversation via speakerphone.
"You took the twins all the way to Myrtle Beach?"
"It isn't that far."
"Yeah but Wrightsville Beach is just up the road."
"So? So we always go there. We wanted to try something different. So we went to Myrtle and the kids had a blast and we made sand castles and ate ice cream cones and then I took them to the Pavilion and we rode all the rides."
Peyton imagined her mother, the tough, leather wearing artist with the heart of gold riding rides, eating junk food and goofing around with the kids all day. She had probably been the coolest grandmother at the park.
"Well, it sounds like you guys had a great day."
"We did and then I took them on a shopping spree. Jake, if you don't mind, I might need some help getting all those toys out of my car tomorrow."
Jake sighed.
"Ellie, what are Peyton and I gonna do between you and Larry and my folks? I know you're grandparents and all but we try not to spoil the boys. Unless it's a birthday or Christmas, we generally don't take them to stores and let them pick out whatever they want."
"They do have a lot of toys already", Peyton agreed. "Not to mention the stuff Lucas and Brooke and Nathan and Haley send them. Micah and Mason are gonna be spoiled rotten."
Ellie nervously twirled the phone cord between her fingers.
"Well, I have an excuse."
Peyton and Jake folded their arms smiling at each other.
"This ought to be good. What's your excuse? Lay it on us."
"I'm dying", she said quietly.
Jake rolled his eyes.
"That's always a good excuse. But be serious, Ellie. What's really going on?"
"I…I am being serious. My cancer is back."
The smiles quickly faded as Jake and Peyton soon realized it was no laughing matter.
"Ellie…"
"They found another tumor in my left breast my last mammogram."
Peyton grabbed onto the arm of the chair for support.
"When?"
"Seven months ago."
"Seven months ago? Ellie, why didn't you tell us?"
She shrugged.
"I didn't want you to worry or be upset. You guys have been through enough. There's no use in losing sleep over something you can't control."
Control? Peyton felt like she was losing all control.
"I can't believe you didn't tell me! Ellie, how could you keep something like this from me?"
"Peyton…"
"What are you doing about it? What about chemo?"
"That's an option but I don't think it can help me, not this time."
"What about surgery? What about…"
Ellie closed her eyes wishing she could reach for her daughter's hand.
"It doesn't matter, Peyton. The cancer is too far gone this time and it already spread to my kidneys. There is nothing the doctors can do."
The room started to spin.
"No! They don't know what they're talking about! There must be something they can do! They have to help you."
"Peyton, sweetie, it's okay…"
Peyton stood up, stumbling as the tears clouded her vision. Jake reached out to comfort her but she would have none of it. She didn't want comfort. She wanted her mother's cancer to be gone.
"No, it's not okay! Look at you! You look fine! You look healthy! You don't even look sick. You do your writing and your art and you hang out with me and Dad and Jake and the boys. Now you tell me the cancer is back and there's nothing they can do? That's bullshit! You can't accept that, Ellie. You, you have to do something about it."
Ellie wiped away her own tears.
"I am doing something…I'm spending time with you and my grandsons."
At the time it had seemed like a nightmare but for Peyton the reality of it was all too real. From a medical standpoint, it was indeed a hopeless cause. In a matter of months her birth mother and one of her best friends, would succumb to the cancer she had fought so hard and almost beaten years before. It was inevitable, a cruel twist of fate dealing another devastating and heartbreaking blow to a family and a young woman in particular who had already endured so much sadness.
Well a drinking buddy that's bound to another town
Once the police made you go away
And even if you're in the arms of someone's baby now
I drink a great big whiskey to you anyway
And everybody wants to be someone's here
Someone's gonna show up never fear
Here comes a regular, call out your name
Here comes a regular, Am I the only one who feels ashamed
A single tear slid down Peyton's cheek…
The two women sat Indian style on the floor folding laundry. Ellie had been in a talkative mood all day. She had seemed focused on the past. She had been telling Peyton story after story of her childhood, her wild teenage years, her descent into drug abuse, her pregnancy and finally her favorite memories. Although she looked tired, she still looked well, her fighting spirit hanging on even in the shadow of death.
"So I've been thinking and Jake and I talked it over and we think you should come here and live with us for a while."
"You've got to read the latest issue of Rolling Stone. Remember my friend, Tony? His article is in there and let me tell you…"
"Ellie, did you hear what I just said? Please don't try to change the subject. I'm sorry but right now I don't give a damn about Tony or his article in Rolling Stone. I asked you to come live with me."
"I heard you, Peyton."
"And? Your answer?"
The older blonde smiled.
"You already know my answer, Peyton. I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I have things of my own I'm trying to get done. Because I'm fine where I am. Because there are some things that I just can't do living here with you, Jake and the boys. And because the last thing you and your husband need right now is me staying with you."
"Jake loves you. You guys have always gotten along. He wants you here just as much as I do."
"Aren't you two supposed to be working on your marriage?"
Peyton shrugged.
"We are…"
"And?"
"I don't know. It's hard. We're just now at the point where things aren't so tight financially."
"That's good."
"I guess. We no longer have to fight about money but that gives us plenty of other things to fight about."
"Do you still love him? Do you still want to be with him?"
"Of course. Jake and the twins are everything to me. But we're so distant now. We argue about everything but hey, at least then we're talking. He falls asleep on the couch a lot and I really think it's because he wants to avoid me."
"Peyton…"
"It's true."
"Have you guys talked about it? Do you think maybe you should separate for a while?"
"We thought about it, talked it over. Jake even went and stayed with his parents for a few days but we missed each other and he missed the kids too much."
"See?"
"So I guess we're trying to work it out. I mean, I know he loves me and of course I love him but with Jenny gone…"
Ellie sighed.
"We all loved Jenny very much. We still do. We miss her everyday. It was tragic and unfortunate. But it was a horrible accident. You have to accept that, Peyton. You can't keep blaming yourself. It'll eat you from the inside out. It will destroy your marriage and it will destroy you as a person."
"I can't help but blame myself sometimes. And I know Jake does too."
"No, he doesn't."
"Yes, he does. I can see it in his eyes."
"But you've both agreed to work it out?"
"Yeah but I just hope it's not too late."
Ellie put her hand over hers.
"It's never too late, Peyton."
Peyton nodded and wiped away a tear.
"We, um, we've talked about…well, we've been trying for another baby."
"Another baby?"
"Yeah."
"That's wonderful, Peyton. I mean, wow. It's a big step but you already know that. I just want to make sure that you're sure."
"I am. We are."
Ellie bit her lip.
"I don't want to tell you what to do and you're so stubborn it's not like you'd listen anyway but just think about this. I just want you to be ready and sure and do this for the right reasons. A baby isn't a quick fix for a marriage already in trouble. Sometimes that just complicates matters."
"Look, I know what you're saying but I have to, alright? I have to have another baby and it has to be a girl."
"Peyton…"
"I took Jake's daughter away. I have to give him a little girl. God, I owe him that."
"Peyton, sweetie, no. Don't think like that. You didn't mean for Jenny to die. Your husband knows that. He still loves you. Even with the ups and downs, he has stuck by you. But replacing Jenny isn't the right thing to do and it…"
"My mind is made up. I am going to get pregnant again and I am going to give Jake another daughter."
"Okay. Okay, Peyton, but why the rush?"
Tears fell from her eyes.
"Because I want you to be able to be here to see her", she mouthed sadly.
"Oh baby", Ellie stroked her hair.
"I know you don't understand and you think I'm a horrible person for doing this but…"
Ellie shook her head.
"I could never think you're horrible. In fact, I think you're pretty great, Peyton. You know that. These last seven years being back in your life getting to know you has been a blessing. It made me regret the first 17 that I missed but I swear to you I wouldn't trade our time together and my time with Jake and Jenny and Micah and Mason for anything. Whatever you do, I just want you to have the peace and happiness you deserve. You are, you always have been and always will be a wonderful mother to Jenny and the boys and any other babies you might have. And you are, you always have been and always will be a wonderful daughter to Larry and Anna…and me. I'm proud of you, Peyton and the woman you've become. I love you very, very much, kid, you know that?"
"I love you, too, Ellie", Peyton whispered. "That's why I need you here with me. I need you when the new baby is born."
Ellie looked right at her with the love and pride only a mother could feel.
"I will be, Peyton. I'll be right with you. I promise you that. I will always be with you."
Afterwards they had hugged and if Peyton closed her eyes real right, she could still feel that embrace. She could still smell her mother sitting next to her holding her. The smell was still strong as Peyton held the leather jacket in her arms and sniffed the scent. For a minute it was like Ellie was still there, even as the song continued to play…
And even alongside old sad eyes, who says
"Opportunity knocks once then the door slams shut"
All I know is that I'm sick of everything that my money can buy
A fool who wastes his life god rests his gutsThe memory was so fresh, so real. She'd had no idea it was the last time she would see her mother alive…
It had been a good night in the Jagielski home. Work had gone well, dinner was easy and the boys had been on their best behavior. Afterwards, Jake and Peyton had bathed them together before putting them down for the night, then he helped his wife with the dishes. They watched TV and drank a beer together before retiring upstairs. Then they had made love. It wasn't forced or awkward but natural and beautiful and exciting like it had been when they had first gotten together as teenagers. Peyton fell asleep in her husband's arms, content as for a night at least, all was right with the world. Then it happened. The phone rang.
She was so sleepy she had barely registered the conversation. It was a doctor telling her she should come down to the local hospital as soon as possible. Peyton couldn't understand. Hospital? Why?
So she and Jake had quickly dressed and had a trusted neighbor come over and look after the twins. In the middle of the night they drove the ten miles or so and arrived. They went to the destination they had been told and after a few minutes of waiting, the oncologist approached them and said he was sorry. Sorry for what, they wondered. Then he gently said that Elizabeth Harp had passed away due to complications from cancer.
Suddenly there was no air to breathe. Peyton collapsed in Jake's arms. No! Dead? Ellie couldn't be dead. She had just seen her days before. And Ellie hadn't mentioned a hospital. She hadn't even said good bye.
"Let me see her!" Peyton demanded.
They had no choice as they walked her into the room. Ellie, a peaceful look on her face, had finally stopped suffering. But seeing a body and not the lively smiling woman she had grown to love so much over the years was too much for Peyton. It was like a piece of her had died as well. She let out one agonizing despair filled screech as she collapsed to the floor. Another mother, someone she had cared deeply for was gone. Just like always, someone else had left Peyton…
She sat up and ran her fingers through her hair, once again trying to cope with yet another loss, more grief and death than any other 24 year old had probably dealt with.
First the lights, and the collar goes up,and the wind begins to blow
You turn our back on a pay-you-back last call
First the plants, the leaves, the grass and here comes the snow
There ain't much to rake here anyway in the fallAs the song stopped, then began to play again, Peyton heard a knock on the door. Standing up, she opened it and was surprised to see Lucas on the other side.
"Hey", he said softly.
She couldn't speak. All she could do was hug him and cry. Finally she invited him in, closing the door behind him.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
He shrugged.
"I was worried about you, Pey."
"How did you find me?"
"Jake said you were up here but we had no idea where you were staying. I literally got a list of every hotel in the city and drove by each one until I saw your car."
She smiled sadly.
"Can I fix you a drink? I only have Scotch."
"That'll work", he gratefully accepted the glass.
They sipped the drinks as the music played in the background.
"You know you didn't have to come here, Luke."
"I know but I wanted to. Everyone was worried, Jake especially. He really wanted to come with you."
"I know but I had to do this by myself."
Lucas looked at the urn on the table.
"Is it done?"
She nodded.
"Yeah. I did it today. There's this field called The Meadow. She told me this really cool story once. Anyway, I know how happy she was there so that's where I spread her ashes."
"Ellie would have liked that. I'm sorry about this, Peyton."
Peyton bit her lip.
"Yeah…me, too."
"She loved you a lot but so do other people. I know you're hurting but don't pull away. Larry and Jake and Brooke and Nathan and Haley are worried about you."
Peyton chuckled about the situation.
"If they're talking to you, then they must be worried about me. Everybody still hate you?"
"I'm not their favorite person. Brooke and I are trying to work things out. Nathan and I don't talk much these days and Haley never wants to see me again so go figure. Sometimes it's like you and Jake are the only real friends I have."
"Don't say that. We're all 'real' friends. We're a unit no matter what."
"I'm surprised you can say that. Everyone else thinks I'm the Devil himself."
"I don't like some of the things you've done, Lucas but I know it's not you. Whether you admit it or not, I know you're hurting. Hurt can make you do crazy things."
"Yeah…" he looked away.
"Besides, I guess I always did have a knack for understanding you even when you didn't understand yourself."
Lucas sighed.
"I'm not a monster, Pey. And I'm not Dan either. It's just, no one knows what it's like when the rug is ripped right from under your feet. What do you do? Where do you go? I don't even feel like a whole man anymore. Sometimes I feel myself turning into Dan and that makes it worse. Out of all the things to inherit from him, I get his lousy heart condition and his evil ways. That really fucks with me. I hate him for it but at the same time it's like I can't get away from it."
"What about Nathan and Haley?"
"If I've changed, then you have to say the same thing about Nathan. He's not the same guy. His head is huge, he thinks he's God's gift to the world. He dicked me over and I can't forget that. I won't."
"And Haley? She's always stood by you, no matter what. Luke, that was a really shitty thing you did."
"Do you want her getting mixed back up with Chris Keller?"
"No and it totally pisses me off that she was sneaking around in the first place but…"
"I did it for her own good."
"Hers and Nathan's or yours?"
He shrugged.
"It's hard to see their life. I admit I get jealous sometimes. Nothing worked out for me like it was supposed to. Not with my career or my marriage…"
"Join the club. I guess life really isn't fair."
"I know you and Jake have had a hard time over the years."
"Yeah…"
"When things were good, really good, did you ever imagine it would be like this?"
Peyton shook her head.
"Not in a million years. After my mom's accident and me dating Nathan, losing Jake and Jenny because of Nikki, the drugs, then finding out I was adopted and meeting Ellie…I mean, that's a lot to handle when you're 17. Then for a while everything fell into place. I was happy. We all were happy. I was naïve enough to think it would last forever, like God owed me good days for the rest of my life just to make up for all those bad years. But it doesn't work like that. It's hard and it hurts and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like I'm losing everything. First Jenny and that was all my fault. Now our friendships, the five people I could always count on, it's like we're all slowly breaking apart. We don't even have each other anymore. I just lost a mother for the second time and I'm struggling to hold on to a marriage and a husband that probably feels he had been better off if he'd never met me. And at the same time I have to be strong because I have two little boys that I love more than anything and I'm doing my best to make sure I don't screw up their lives any more than I already have raising them."
The tears fell from her eyes.
"I know what it's like. I know how it is to feel like you're losing everything. I know what's it like to become something, someone you don't want to be and it's like everything around you is falling apart and going crazy and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it."
"I, I don't know what to do, Lucas. What if I can't pick up the pieces this time?" she began to cry softly.
"You will", he sighed. "You're strong, Pey."
"I'm so scared. I just want to crawl underneath these covers and never come out."
"You have to face it, face the world."
"I can't…"
"Yes, you can."
"No! I can't! I can't! Luke…"
Peyton broke down sobbing and Lucas cradled her in his arms. He held her as her brave eyes gave way and let out all the pain she had been harboring inside for years. Out of the bunch, those two friends had always been the most connected. Their sorrows and their own shortcomings had yielded a strong connection years before that had never truly died. In the face of grief and tragedy, somehow Lucas Scott and Peyton Jagielski could always find comfort in one another.
"It's gonna be okay", he whispered, using his thumb to wipe away her tears.
Her eyes met his and their gaze locked for a second. Before either of them knew what was happening, their lips had pressed together.
"Lucas…" Peyton finally whispered breathlessly as they pulled away.
He stared at her, all the memories of the past, their past, came flooding back to them. He knew where it would lead to and he knew it was wrong. He loved Brooke and Peyton loved Jake. They were all best friends and they all loved each other. Years of jealousy, confusion and bitterness had slowly morphed him into a man he barely recognized in the mirror. He had hurt his wife and his friends so much already and at times it had been uncontrollable. But not this. This he could control and using the last ounce of power inside him, he stood and walked to the door.
"I'm sorry. I can't, Peyton. We can't."
He opened the door but stopped when he felt her behind him. She closed the door.
"Luke…"
"If we do this, we can't go back, Peyton."
"I know", she whispered.
He looked in her eyes and he knew she needed to be held. She needed someone to make the pain go away. So did he.
"Peyton", he breathed, kissing her passionately.
Their hands roamed and clothes began forming a heap on the floor. They gave in to passion and each other as they made love. It was a beautiful night that ended as they slept in each other's arms. The moment was stolen and for a while it was their fantasy moment despite the reality that they both belonged to someone else. When the first rays of morning sunlight covered the North Carolina sky, they would have to forget their secret night together and venture separate ways back to their own struggles of loss, unhappiness and uncertainty. Troubles wouldn't last, heartache would eventually pass and there would be no more worries. Whatever hurt and problems the night would bring, it would all be over come morning.
Author's Note: Here Comes A Regular written and performed by Paul Westerberg.
