So. Hi. I've been gone a long time. And there are a myriad of excuses I could make, reasons I could give, et cetera, but that'd be TMI to the highest degree and I don't feel like I need to do that to you guys. I swore not to abandon this story, and though I haven't had the mindset to post - every comment, review, every favorite and any interaction that came through while I was away meant more than I could possibly say. And the good news is, I didn't stop writing! I've drafted out a TON of new chapters for S&S, written some ahead even, and I got deeply into a new story as well. So I am back-back, for real. Hopefully things will be stable from now on, fingers crossed, but I am never ever ditching S&S and that is an absolute promise. You'll see the end. So bear with me, please. And THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, if you've stayed on. Or if you're new here! I love you all.
The journey back felt shorter somehow. Maybe it was due to Lissa taking better care of Ed's automail—which both quieted his griping and gave her something else to focus on—or just the sense of ease pervading their considerably smaller party after everything that happened in Xerxes. Lissa knew she felt better about the world knowing Mustang hadn't betrayed them—her—the way she'd thought originally. She made a mental note to apologize for talking to him that way, the next time she saw him.
Considering Alex had actually done a little damage to Ed's automail, when they made it back to Resembool he opted to remain there and get Pinako to fix it up before going back to Central, and naturally, Lissa elected to stay with him. Not even Breda seemed surprised by that decision.
"Y'know, you could've gone back if you wanted," Ed pointed out as they strolled away from Resembool station.
Lissa shot him a dry look. "Yeah, if I wanted. But I'd rather stay here with you. I mean, you say it's boring, but I really like Resembool. Central gets too cloying sometimes, and you can't see the stars like you can out here either. Besides…" She nudged her elbow into his ribs. "We're supposed to be partners now, right? That means we stick together."
Ed grinned and rested a hand on the back of his head. "That's fair. I dunno, most people who've spent as much time as you have in Central seem to swear by the place. I'm not used to anyone disliking it as much as you."
"I hate crowds, remember?" she pointed out with a roll of her eyes. "Central is kind of my personal nightmare when it gets busy."
"Well, the only crowds you have to worry about here are sheep," Ed muttered, pointing up the lane to where a flock of sheep was slowly ambling across the road. "And sheep and sheep and more sheep… Nothing but sheep. We have a festival for it. Seriously. It's my hometown's only claim to fame, the damned sheep festival."
She laughed and bumped his shoulder with her own, grinning when he returned the gesture. "Sheep aren't so bad."
"In small quantities, no. But in hordes…" He shuddered faintly.
"Don't tell me," she deadpanned. "You got lost in a flock when you were a little kid."
"THEY'RE TALLER THAN THEY LOOK!"
Lissa giggled and pulled him in by his arm, brushing the pad of her thumb across his cheekbone to soothe him. "Settle down, Ed. I was just teasing, I didn't actually think it'd happened." She tapped his nose and added, "Anyway, I've got my own embarrassing story. I got lost in a corn maze when I was little. It's one of those weird memories that I've kept, maybe because my parents aren't in it much… But anyway…" She grinned as the last few sheep sauntered across the road, freeing her and Ed to continue on down towards the Rockbells' automail shop. "Somehow I got separated from my parents and I got lost in this huge corn maze, sometime around the harvest… Rather than crying or trying to rush through the corn to find my way out, I just started eating."
Ed snorted a laugh. "Just…just eating raw corn? Are you serious?"
"Completely. So there was just this little girl, maybe four or five years old, wandering around in the maze picking ears of corn and just eating them." Lissa couldn't help but grin at the memory. "The thing is, I solved the stupid maze. That's how I found my parents in the end. I could tell where I'd gone by looking to see if there was any corn left within grabbing distance, so I found my way out and actually won."
He laughed full out then, golden eyes bright in the sunlight. "Oh man. You literally ate your way out of a corn maze. You are…a complete marvel, Lissa Caito. I swear." He paused and squinted up the road, shielding his eyes with his free hand. "We should probably stop by the cemetery on our way… I'd like to visit Auntie and Uncle's graves like those Ishvalans asked."
Lissa nodded, agreeing in a heartbeat. "I still can't believe all of that… Winry's parents must have been amazing people."
"They were," Ed told her with a soft smile. "They really were."
"It kind of gives me hope for the future, too," Lissa admitted quietly. "Seeing how the Ishvalans treated us… I really thought their hatred would go deeper, but I think at this point everyone's so tired of fighting, they just want a resolution."
He nodded, seeming thoughtful. "Yeah. I have some…reservations of my own, I mean… Most of Resembool burned down during the war, and that was all Ishvalans doing that. They destroyed Rayerk too. But… I guess people do all sorts of things when they're hurt. I dunno. We get told so much from the military about what happened out there, and we just sort of…believe it, but that's pretty shortsighted, isn't it? Just listening to one side?"
Lissa glanced down at the ground, a bit ashamed. "The victors' side too. That makes it even worse."
"Well, we know better now. It's gotta start somewhere, right?" Ed flashed a brighter smile at her then, shaking off the moment. "C'mon. The cemetery's just right up ahead. And the sooner we get to Granny's, the sooner we can eat."
"You know, I think you…" But Lissa trailed off, frowning as they approached the gate to the cemetery. "Ed… Isn't that your mother's grave?"
He followed her gaze with his eyes narrowed. "Yeah… So who's…standing there…" Ed suddenly jerked to a halt, just outside the gate, his whole body gone rigid. "No… No… It can't be… That isn't possible…"
Lissa stared ahead at the blond man standing in front of Trisha Elric's grave, her senses alive with this…strange wrongness, like what she'd felt in Liore, at Dr. Marcoh's… That slimy sick feeling she knew all too well correlated with the Philosopher's Stone, or at the very least with something of equivalent suffering…
"Who is he, Ed?" she asked softly, reaching for him—but too late. The warmth at her side vanished as Ed strode forward, scowling, hands clenched at his sides. She could only follow, trail him in through the gate until he stood only a stone's throw from this man.
And when the man turned…it all fell into place.
"Hohenheim?!" Ed snarled.
Lissa could only stare in utter shock at this man, golden eyes framed behind glasses, long golden-blond hair tied into a ponytail… A man who looked so painfully much like Ed, some of the same angular features, the shape of the jaw, just…something that echoed the boy standing beside her. She knew. It was achingly obvious, not just in the man's features but the rage and pain contorting Ed's face, the tight clench of his jaw, his hands fisted at his sides, the hatred radiating from him…
This man…was Ed and Al's father.
"Hello, Edward," Hohenheim greeted in a low, almost cautious voice. "You appear to have grown some."
Ed gritted his teeth and turned his head away sharply.
"I spoke with Pinako," Hohenheim continued, his tone shifting, just minutely—but enough to warn of what was coming. "You tried human transmutation."
"What makes you think you can show up like this?" Ed demanded harshly. "There's nothing left for you here anymore!"
The man's gaze darkened even further. "I noticed. Tell me, Edward. What possessed you to burn down my home?" As he spoke, he turned and looked off towards where Lissa knew the house's remnants sat, the charred out remains of what had once been Ed and Al's house… But she didn't think it was right, calling it his home. The boys had only been in a position to burn it down because they were there alone for so damned long.
She…didn't like this man. Not at all.
Ed scowled, averting his eyes. "After what happened, we vowed to never turn back. We did it as a symbol of our resolve."
"No you didn't," Hohenheim denied sharply. "You were hiding the memory."
Lissa almost jumped when Ed's hand pressed into her back, hard, fingers curling and clenching onto the back of her tank top. But she stayed still, let him do what he needed, felt his hand trembling against her… He was coming unhinged at just a few words from this man.
"You didn't want to be reminded of what you've done," the man continued, either ignoring Ed's distress or not caring about it as he advanced on him, "and thought you could erase the memory by destroying the evidence." When he stood there, looming over Ed, his gaze wholly fixated on him without regard for anything else, Lissa had the most dizzying sense of that same wrongness, the horrible oil slick of a feeling, and for a moment she wanted to grab Ed and run.
"You're wrong!" Ed snapped, trying to stand up against him.
But Hohenheim scoffed. "It's just like a child who hides the sheets after he wets the bed."
What the hell?!
"You ran away," he continued, his voice dark and scolding. "And you know it."
For just a moment, Ed looked like a child, his expression hurt and lost—then rage bloomed in its place. "I—you don't know a damn thing, you bastard!" He whirled and dragged Lissa with him, stomping towards the exit. "You make me sick to my stomach," he hissed.
"You aren't going to introduce me to your friend?" Hohenheim called after them.
Ed's fingers clenched down hard on Lissa's arm. "Why?" he snarled over his shoulder. "Not like you'll be around long enough for it to matter!"
She waited until they were out of earshot to gently peel Ed's fingers off her wrist, one at a time. "Careful," she murmured, holding his hand in hers when he tried to pull away. "That's your automail, you know. I'm a little more breakable than steel, unfortunately."
"Fuck. I'm sorry, Liss. He just…" Ed growled under his breath. "He made me so angry!"
Lissa wondered how to approach it. Most people didn't take well to their parents being spoken down about, even if they did it themselves… But here… "He's…" Lissa sighed roughly. Screw it. I can't just bite my tongue. "Okay, I'm gonna assume we have enough trust between us that I can be honest with you. Stop me if I go too far." She dropped his arm and rammed a fist into her leg as they walked, finally letting some of her own ire flood in. "I don't like how that asshole treated you at all, Ed. Not for a single damned second. I know I lost my parents when I was seven, but that doesn't mean I don't have some idea of how a parent should act—and that's not how. Not even fucking close. It's like he had no idea you'd gotten older than age freaking five! No apologies? Not a shred of remorse? He didn't even ask you about Alphonse!" Lissa shot a baleful look over her shoulder, still raging, half-hoping she'd see Hohenheim behind them and be able to unleash this on him. "You don't owe him a damn thing, Ed. He's the one that left two small children alone—he's got no right to judge you and Al on the decisions you made when you had nobody else there looking after you!"
Realizing she truly might've pushed it too far, Lissa cut herself off, pursing her lips together and scowling across the horizon at nothing in particular. "I'm sorry. I just… I can't imagine seeing your child for the first time in a decade and then acting like that."
Ed inched closer, and she blinked at him in surprise when she felt him take her hand back, felt him pull her in closer, one arm looping around her back to pin them together. "Dammit, Liss… Practically everybody else in my life always says to forgive that bastard… And then you come in and just…" He shook his head faintly. "Don't apologize. I—just… Thank you. Okay? For standing by me."
"We're partners now," she reminded him quietly. "More than that, you're my family, Ed. And I don't take kindly to somebody talking that way to somebody I really care about."
He twisted his mouth up ruefully. "It isn't gonna be over yet… He said he spoke to Granny, which means he's staying at her place too. We're stuck with him until we head back to Central. And I swear, I'll freaking detach his train car if he tries to follow us there."
"I'll help."
That made him flash a weak but genuine smile. "Thanks, Liss. I just…wanna get this over with, that's all."
She nodded. How could she not understand that? "As soon as we can, we'll head back to Central. I promise. Even if we have to sneak out in the middle of the night or something, I bet Pinako will understand."
"Yeah, well… Let's hope it doesn't come to that."
Awkward. So awkward.
Lissa hovered anxiously in the doorway, not really sure how to answer the question that had been posed to her. "I'm…sorry, Mr. Hohenheim," she began slowly. "We're both just…exhausted, you see. We've been traveling a lot."
He regarded her skeptically. "You don't need to lie to me, Miss Caito. I know Edward doesn't want to come down."
Then why'd you ask me in the first place? Outwardly, she tried to keep her expression benign while what she really wanted to do was shove a photo of Edward and Alphonse when they were little in front of him, and demand to know how exactly he could bear leaving them behind… But this wasn't her battle. She'd only volunteered to go downstairs and bring food up because she knew Ed would end up in another argument if he did it—and she'd promised him she'd try her hardest not to cause Pinako any further stress.
Thus far, she'd counted four arguments. One, when Hohenheim showed up a few minutes after she and Ed made it, and Ed had offhandedly called him a bastard. Hohenheim called him out, and Edward had blown his lid. Two, when Hohenheim asked if Ed still childishly hated milk. Three, when he'd finally been introduced to Lissa officially, only to remark how odd it was for two fifteen-year-olds to be state alchemists. And four, when Hohenheim pointed out that he and Ed had similar hairstyles, as Ed's was still in a ponytail from being in the desert. That one resulted in Ed angrily braiding his hair and stomping out of the kitchen.
All of which culminated in Lissa attempting, somewhat halfheartedly, to keep a little separation between the two.
"We are exhausted, though," she added on, irate he'd considered that a complete lie. "And it'll just cause more arguments, besides. I'm just…keeping the peace." She waved to Pinako and headed upstairs, sandwiches in tow, hurrying to slip into the room she was sharing with Ed and closing the door behind her.
"How'd it go?" he asked dryly, looking up from his automail hand.
Lissa settled onto the bed next to him and shrugged faintly. "He knows you're avoiding him. I did point out that it's to prevent arguments, but…"
He groaned and flopped backwards, dragging a pillow over his face and screaming into it. "I hate him, Liss. I really do. I don't get why he has to treat me like a damn child when I'm nearly an adult by now—and he's got no idea what Al and I have been through since he left. He can't just come prancing back into our lives like he has a damn clue what we've done or how to be our parent. He was never our father. Al doesn't remember, but I do."
She reached out and gently tugged the pillow off his face. It was hard to watch him go through this, the moments where Hohenheim's words got to him and he turned youthful, childish, his arguments becoming petty… And the moments where he was truly in pain, suffering from the loss and the weight of all that rage sitting on his shoulders…
"Al sees people differently, too," she murmured. Lissa pulled him upright, brushing the hair from his eyes, and stroked her thumb along the underside of his jaw. "He's always seeing the good in people, even when it's not really there, or it's different than how he's seeing it. I'd guess the same thing applies here, you know? He wants to see something positive… He wants to see hope… Even if that's not really what's there."
Ed scowled down at his hands. "I'd rather him see hope than a damned black hole."
She brushed her forefinger along the crease between his eyebrows, startling him out of the angry expression and getting him to look at her. "Stop frowning so hard," Lissa chided gently. "You look much more handsome when you're smiling."
I don't have a filter anymore, do I?
He shifted where he sat, his cheeks going a bit red in embarrassment. "You're just saying that," he muttered.
"Why would I?" she asked him softly. "I don't lie to you, Ed."
He nodded, wringing his hands in his lap. "I know. Sorry, Liss… I'm just in a bad way right now, I guess."
Lissa unwound his hands and took them in hers instead. "Of course you are. That…had to be the worst shock ever, running into him, especially there of all places…"
"I hate him," Ed whispered, shutting his eyes tight. "I really hate him." He screwed his face up angrily. "And then he had to go and point out that we look alike… As if I'd ever want to look like that bastard, what the hell did he think I was going to say?!"
She regarded him a moment, considering it… Then Lissa scooted over and sat behind him, draping her legs to either side of him and rubbing her hands up and down his arms. "Everyone looks like their parents, at least a little," she began slowly. As she talked, Lissa carefully pulled the tie off the end of his hair and slipped it around her wrist instead. "I could see it, a bit… But I could see it in photos of your mom, too. Mostly though… You just look like yourself, to me." She began to gently unbind his hair, freeing it from the braid and smoothing her fingers through the soft golden strands. He had a few tangles, so she picked her way cautiously through those since there wasn't a hairbrush in sight, ensuring she didn't yank on his head or cause him any kind of pain. "You're not him, Ed. Not in the slightest. You don't need to worry about that."
"You always see right through me, don't you?" he murmured, curling his knees to his chest. "I dunno how you do it, Liss. I always thought it'd feel kind of…invasive, to have someone around who actually knew me that well… But it's just…comforting. I know I can say whatever's on my mind and you'll just…get it. You'll get me."
She twisted a strand of his hair around her finger, smiling gently. "I do my best. I just…want to look after you, that's all. However I can." Lissa stood up then, sliding around him and coming to stand in front of him instead. "I'm gonna go shower all the desert grime off me. Don't get into trouble while I'm gone, please?"
Ed found it in himself to smirk. "Me, get into trouble?"
"You know what I mean," she laughed. "Try to eat something too, okay? I know you're having a hard time, so just do what you can. We'll make up for it when we're back in Central."
He nodded, seeming all right with that, so Lissa was going to leave—but then he spoke up again. "Liss… I just…" Ed sighed and pulled his hand through his hair, waving her away. "Never mind. It can wait."
She frowned at him. "Are…are you sure? I don't mind, if you need to talk to me about something…"
"Nah." Edward grinned at her, aiming for carefree, though she could see the strain around his eyes. Something was bothering him. "It's okay, I promise. Anyway, I might be asleep when you get back, so just…don't worry about waking me up."
Which meant please don't leave me in here alone. She knew that. "You sleep like a log," Lissa pointed out, smirking. "Well… I'm gonna shower. Just knock if you need me."
Though it about killed her to do it, Lissa left him there with just a kiss on the forehead, alone, and headed down the hall to the shower. The truth was…they both needed time to think, to gather themselves after what had happened. She knew Ed liked to compose himself in private, that he needed a little time to himself when he was struggling with something… Hopefully he'd either have worked through it a bit, or have managed to fall asleep, by the time she got back. She didn't want him dealing with anymore bullshit until he'd gotten a little rest.
Once she'd cleaned all the dirt and sand and just…grime off herself, Lissa felt more like a normal human. She hadn't noticed it until she got into the shower, but after she did notice she became just completely disgusted by the layer of filth she'd accumulated out in Xerxes. The whole process took longer than she'd expected, so Lissa figured Ed would be fast asleep by the time she got back. That was all right, though. It wasn't like they were on a strict schedule or anything—they had time to handle everything.
Lissa toweled her hair off and slipped into her pyjamas, bundling her clothes up to wash later on and stepping out of the bathroom—right as Hohenheim backed out of the room she was sharing with Ed and closed the door softly.
"Oh," he murmured, turning to look at her in surprise. "Is this your room as well?"
She nodded slowly. "It is." Lissa stared at him, trying to read his intentions, but he was unnaturally stoic in the face. It was disconcerting. "Er, Mr. Hohenheim… What…exactly were you…doing in there, can I ask?"
He grinned sheepishly. "Trying to be a parent, I suppose. And failing at it."
Lissa didn't really know what to say back to that, to be honest.
"I see my son has gotten to you…" he mused. "Given Edward's obvious dislike for me, I'm not surprised you feel similarly—he seems to have quite a strong personality, I'm sure it's difficult to overcome that."
She glared at him, anger rising. "Ed didn't make me feel any particular way about you, Mr. Hohenheim. I'm capable of forming my own opinions." Lissa gripped her bundle of clothes tighter, trying to put a lid on her rage and failing miserably. "My parents died when I was seven. I barely remember them, most of my memories either faded or I disassociated from them because they were too painful. I grew up without a family, in a military-run facility in Central. So you see…" She gazed at the floorboards, unsure how to phrase it properly. "I understand the value of having your parents in your life. Even just one parent."
Hohenheim's countenance brightened just a bit. "Then perhaps you understand why I'm trying to find some way to be there for Edward. He doesn't want me to, that much is clear, but perhaps…perhaps a little guidance wouldn't be too amiss."
Lissa sucked in a sharp breath. "Don't misunderstand me," she snapped, furious. His eyes widened in shock at the sudden change in her tone. "I do understand the value of having a parent—which is why I think it's so despicable what you did to Ed and Al. Leaving two little boys to fend for themselves like that is completely unforgivable. They were just four and five years old, if that means anything to you. Just children. And they had to live in that big house all by themselves, they had to go home, alone, to the place where their mother died, every single night." Her voice shook and her grip released on the bundle of clothes—it dropped to the floor at her feet, but she didn't bother to pick it up. "I know not all of their decisions might've been the best, but to scold them… To treat Ed like he's a child when he's gone through hell, when you didn't see what happened to him… That's just… It's almost hateful. And I'm sorry I have to be this harsh. I'd like to pretend I don't feel this way, but I can't do it. I care too much about your son to sit on my ass while he's mistreated."
He furrowed his brow at her, looking thoroughly baffled but remaining silent for so long that she started to wonder if he'd really heard her at all. Finally, though, he sighed and shook his head wearily. "I suppose not, then. Oh well. I should be used to it by now. But I do wonder, young lady…" Hohenheim eyed her curiously. "Is it…entirely appropriate for you to share a room with Edward, considering your ages?"
Lissa's jaw dropped. "Unbelievable," she muttered. "You really have no idea how to be a parent, do you?" She snatched up her fallen clothes and scowled at him, just completely knocked off her feet by how painfully out of touch he was. All that, all the ranting and raging she'd done, and that was his reaction? It was crazy. "Trust me, I am the last person you need to worry about with Ed. I got my ribs broken protect him, I was willing to die just for the damned chance to keep him safe. If you're trying to get on his good side, you're going in the wrong direction." With that she brushed past him and into the bedroom, closing the door firmly behind her.
Immediately, Ed rolled over and sat up, his jaw tense, gaze burning into her from across the room. "What the hell did that bastard want with you?" he asked lowly.
"Not much," she told him hesitantly. She'd assumed he was asleep…but now it looked like he was just pretending to sleep before. What had he heard? Did he know everything she'd said to Hohenheim out there, when she'd lost control of her emotions? "He…seemed to think you'd made me feel a certain way about him, so I just…" Lissa swallowed. "Set him straight, that's all."
"Liss…" He swung his legs out of bed and gave her a suspicious look. "What did you say?"
"Um…" Lissa tossed her clothes over to her side and shuffled towards him, suddenly wondering if she'd gone too far… What if he resented her for saying all that? He hadn't heard, so she could still write it off… But she didn't want to lie to him. "Would you…hate me if I said I told him off?"
Ed blinked slowly. "Told him off," he repeated. His voice was too quiet, too even for her to read what he felt. "How, exactly?"
She wrung her hands together and spun away from him. If he was going to be pissed…she didn't think she could bear to see it on his face. "He just sort of…got mixed up on something I said… He thought for a moment I was sympathizing with him trying to parent you and I just… I got angry. I told him the truth, Ed, that's all."
"Well… Will you tell me?" he asked her softly.
He won't let me out of it, will he? Fine, then. If I have to upset him, then I shouldn't drag it out.
Lissa sighed and turned back to him, still twisting her fingers together. "I told him that…that I think it's despicable that he could leave you and Al behind, because I…because I understand just how much it would mean to a little kid to have a parent around, even one. I'm sorry if it was…out of line or…anything like that, but the way he talked to you…and about you… Both of you deserve better, Ed, you and Alphonse. No matter what his reasoning might be, to me it's just completely unforgivable to leave two little kids all on their own like that. And then to think he can just step back in… It makes me sick to see you treated that way."
When she finished, she found she couldn't look at him—not until Ed spoke up in a quiet, almost controlled tone. She looked up to see him sitting with his head bowed, his forearms resting loosely on his knees, seeming…so completely overwhelmed. "You know… I don't think anybody's ever told me that I…that I'm not being an ass to hold a grudge against him," he whispered, after a moment. "I… I can't remember someone ever just saying…that, saying that he screwed up and it's not a bad thing to still be angry."
"Of course you have a right to be angry," Lissa told him fiercely. His head jerked up, eyes fixating on her face. "Dammit, Ed. He abandoned you and Al. You should be angry, you should be fucking furious for yourself and for Al—he left and now he expects he can just wander back in? Like hell. I'm angry and it didn't even happen to me." She crossed to him and sank down beside him, even though the rage in her chest wanted her to go berate Hohenheim again. "Don't you dare feel like you shouldn't be upset. I don't care what anyone else says. You aren't wrong here."
He leapt up and grabbed onto her then, so tightly it made his muscles tremble, burying his face in her shoulder and letting out a harsh breath. "Thank you… For—for all of it, Liss…"
She stroked the back of his hair gently, her heart breaking for him. Was it really this…overwhelming just to told his emotions were justified? Had he really lived ten damned years since Hohenheim left thinking that maybe he was overreacting, that he was being a…a bad son or something just because he couldn't forgive being abandoned?
"You can't be that surprised I'd defend you," she pointed out softly. "Not after everything, Ed."
"I'm not surprised… It just…means a lot, that's all." He sighed, his breath warm on her neck, and for a moment they just held together like that, fitted together perfectly. Then Ed shifted back and released her, seeming almost embarrassed by it.
Trying for a little normalcy, Lissa reached out and tugged on a strand of his hair, earning a faint grin. "Dummy," she teased lightly.
Ed's grin widened just a bit. "You're the one who hangs around with me."
Lissa softened again, though, unable to keep poking fun at him when she could see just how…sensitive he was around the edges, how close he was to breaking down… "'Course I do… I'm not going anywhere, you're completely stuck with me." She traced her fingers down his left arm, his gaze following as she grew braver, smoothing her palm along the contours of his muscles, just…getting lost for a moment…
Then she snapped back to herself and pulled her arm back, stunned at herself for being so damned careless. "C'mon," Lissa murmured. "We should try and rest."
"Yeah…" He grabbed onto his automail reflexively, looking unhappy. "I just…I can't quit thinking about the shit Hohenheim said… About me hiding from something when we burned our house down… I don't know if I can sleep, Liss. I'm gonna have stupid nightmares."
She frowned at him, worried. "But…Ed… You need to rest, you know…"
"I know," he muttered, twisting his mouth up. "It's just pissing me off, he's probably down there right now telling Granny what a whiny little kid I am or something."
"I doubt it," Lissa told him honestly. "But… If it's bothering you so much, why don't we just…go try to hear what they're talking about? I mean, I know eavesdropping is kind of…bad…but if it's such a big deal, then…"
Ed gave her a curious look. "Are you sure? This isn't your problem to handle, Liss, you don't need to do this with me…"
She folded her arms, giving him the most exasperated expression she could muster. "Ed. C'mon. Do you really think I'm just gonna sit here on my ass while you go deal with this on your own? Really? Is that ever something I do?"
"No," he admitted, stepping closer and taking her face in both his hands, his thumbs tracing across her cheekbones. "But if I'm just dragging you into more bullshit…"
"I don't get dragged anywhere," Lissa told him firmly. "You've never asked me to do a damn thing for you, did you know that? Not once. Everything I've done, choosing to stay with you, to help you and Al, even just something as simple as staying here in Resembool… I've made those choices myself. And I'm gonna keep choosing you, Ed. You have never made me feel like I'm being forced to do anything—you…you and Alphonse… You're the choice I got to make for myself. So…" She took both his hands in hers, squeezing tightly, and brought them up to her lips. When she spoke, her mouth brushed against his hands, one cool metal and one warm and soft. "Whatever you wanna do, whatever is going to make you feel better… Then I'm with you."
For a moment he just stared at her, his expression infinitely soft, sweet… And then he nodded and gripped down on her hands just once. "Okay. If…if you're really sure, I…" His cheeks flushed ever so slightly. "I'd feel better if you were with me, honestly."
Lissa didn't think he'd ever admitted something like that before.
"Let's go," she murmured, rather than pointing that out.
They snuck down the stairs, hand in hand, both carefully controlling their steps to be as silent as possible. Lissa could hear Pinako and Hohenheim talking in the kitchen, so she pointed in that direction in case Ed hadn't caught it—sometimes she heard things earlier because of her alchemical abilities—and he nodded, pulling her that way in the darkness. They pressed up against the wall just outside the kitchen, in time to hear Pinako ask, rather sharply, "Where have you been all this time? Why didn't you come back sooner? Trisha was waiting for you until the very end."
Ed's hand tightened on Lissa's, and she smoothed her thumb over his knuckles gently.
Claws clicking on the wood, Den padded out of the kitchen to come greet them—he didn't like Hohenheim much, she'd noticed. Lissa beckoned the dog away so they wouldn't be revealed, though she had a sickening feeling that they'd already been given away.
"Pinako…" Hohenheim's voice became lower, more deliberate. "The life form my sons transmuted… Are you positive that it was Trisha?"
He can't…possibly be asking about… But… No…
"Huh? Well, I wouldn't… It didn't even look human to me," Pinako admitted. "So I wouldn't think of it as-"
But he interrupted her, still using that same low, methodical tone. It was beginning to drive Lissa crazy, hearing him talk so calmly about this. "No. That's not what I'm asking. Did you notice the eye color? Or the hair color?"
"What are you trying to get at?" Pinako demanded, suddenly angry, her composure lost. "Are you telling me that wasn't even Trisha?! For all that those boys sacrificed… You're saying that thing they created wasn't even their mother?!"
Lissa had heard enough. She could feel Ed trembling beside her, sense the disturbance in the air from his short, harsh breaths… And that was enough. Enough from this man who seemed to think he had some right to interfere in Ed's life, to—to say things like that when she was pretty sure he knew damn well Ed was right there. He was a fucking coward! For all that he'd fussed about Ed burning down his house, saying it was childish…Hohenheim couldn't even say that to Ed's face!
She yanked on his hand, pulled him away from the door and back up the stairs. He didn't need to hear anything else. Not if Hohenheim was going to pull things like that out of his ass. Lissa would never have suggested listening in if she'd thought for a second Edward would have to hear that he and Al…might not have even been close to bringing their mother back at all.
I saw it… That night, when Mustang took me in… I know what I saw. And Pinako was right, it didn't look human… So… Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was something else entirely.
Lissa pushed past the bedroom door and guided Ed inside, turning to close it and releasing his hand to twist the lock on the knob—and that moment, the few seconds before she could spin around and reach for him, he fell apart.
Ed fell to his knees, face in his hands, breath coming in quick, rough gasps almost like sobs, his whole body shivering. "Dammit," he choked out. "Dammit!"
She stood over him for a moment, trying to keep from crying for him. She understood why Winry did—even now, this overwrought and undone, Ed wouldn't cry. He had every reason to break down and sob, to give into all the pain, but…he wouldn't. It was all channeling into rage and aggression, like always, as he refused to show that weakness.
Lissa slowly crouched beside him, once she was certain she wouldn't lose control herself, and gently pried his hands off his face. "Come on," she murmured, pulling him to his feet. He followed numbly, his head still bowed, nearly hyperventilating.
There wasn't much to be done… As much as she hated it, no matter what she might say or do, Lissa couldn't fix this. It had been ripped out of her control. She wanted so badly to look after him, take care of him, but in this… What could she possibly do? If what Hohenheim said was the truth, that Ed and Al really hadn't transmuted their mother… That they'd lost their bodies for nothing… Then there wasn't a damn thing she could do that would make this better.
But what she could do…was take care of him in the aftermath.
Ed was pliable under her hands as she guided him across the room, too overcome to fight her. She pulled him to sit on the edge of his bed, beside her, carefully watching the way he opened and closed his automail fist, like he was contemplating lashing out.
"Listen to me," she began slowly, brushing his hair off his shoulder, tucking it behind his ear so she could see his face. "Don't do this to yourself, Ed… I know you, I know what you're putting on your shoulders right now… But you can't do that… You were kids, just children… If you're going to blame anyone, then blame him, blame the one who left you to figure everything out on your own."
"But… Al, Lissa… He lost…he lost his entire body and I…" Ed clenched both fists and slammed them down on his own legs. "It's my fault! I did that to him!"
"No, you didn't," she insisted, keeping her voice low and soft. "He'd tell you the same thing. You can take responsibility for your actions without laying the blame on your own head." Lissa took his left hand in hers as gently as she could, and carefully uncurled his fingers, tracing her thumb across the faint divots his nails left in his palm. "You already carry so much on your shoulders… Don't put this on yourself too…"
He shook his head faintly. "But it is my fault… I'm the one who pushed him, Liss… Al would never have done it himself, he asked me over and over if it was the right thing to do… I caused this. All of it. I'm never going to be able to escape the fact that I made my little brother have to suffer through this… And now…"
Lissa tipped his chin up so he'd look at her, still stunned he wasn't in tears. His voice was so unsteady, he was still shaking, his face was screwed up in so much pain… Yet he wouldn't cry. "I can't speak to what happened before, Ed… But…I do know Alphonse. And I know he doesn't hold you responsible, not on your own. What you said, out in Xerxes, about having people who are willing to help you… Why would that be the case, if this were truly just on your head?"
Ed blinked at her, his mouth working to find an answer—but then he just bowed his head and shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. I don't know why anyone would bother, most of the time."
"Because they don't blame you. Because they've seen past the act itself, seen you and Al, and decided that you're worth it." Lissa pulled him into her then, felt him wrap his arms around her and press his face against her neck, his breath rushing over her skin. "And it's people like that who want to see you both whole again, Ed… Even if you won't say it aloud, I know you wouldn't care if you got your arm and leg back as long as Al got his body back… But you're the only one who feels that way."
He gave a faint laugh, just a rush of air, and tightened his hold on her. "So you caught me, huh?"
"You only mentioned your promise to Al… Not your determination to get your own body back." Lissa smoothed a hand over his hair, unable to keep back the fond smile that curled her lips. "It's like you said… I always see through you."
She waited a moment, trying to gauge his stage of mind, before she carefully slid backwards on the bed, pulling him with her, until she could lay back and bring him down with her, still in her arms, just resting against her chest now. Edward lifted his head to look at her, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Liss, what…"
"Just rest, okay?" she murmured, and stroked her finger along the crease between his brows. "It's late and it…hasn't been the easiest day for you, Ed. You need sleep. We both do."
"I…guess," he mumbled, uncertain. "And you're-"
"Staying."
Ed nodded slowly, looking like he wanted to argue—but then he pressed closer into her side and draped his arm over her middle, accepting it. "Thank you," he whispered after a moment. "You don't…have to do things like this."
"Nobody's making me," she reminded him. "I'm choosing to."
That made the faintest smile touch the corner of his lips. "Okay."
Lissa lay there, unmoving, watching as Ed's breathing finally slowed, evened out, and he fell asleep. But her mind wouldn't settle, not yet. This wasn't over. She'd calmed him, for now, but this whole issue wasn't going anywhere for a long time. Ed would be focused on it again the next day—and especially if Hohenheim stayed, if he was still there in the morning making those stupid, hapless comments like he was completely out of touch with the world… That would just make things so much worse.
How can I help him with any of this when the damn source of the issue is in the same house? How the hell am I supposed to protect him from his own father?
She forced her muscles to still, bit down on the urge to clutch Ed to her like she could protect him with just her physical presence. Lissa knew, on some level, that interfering between him and his father was…maybe improper, but she just didn't care. Hohenheim was no parent. It wasn't like getting in between a father and son with an actual relationship. Ed visibly hated his father, and his damned father didn't seem to know how not to piss his son off.
So Lissa resolved to do what she could, no matter if it was proper or not. She'd protect Ed however she had to.
