I didn't really
A/N: A short one shot from Sam's POV after Luka tells her about him and Abby. Inspired by the El President song 'I didn't really' and there are a couple of the lyrics in here too. Hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own ER or the song 'I didn't really' by El Presidente. So don't sue me.
-x-
"I didn't really want him"
I sat alone in the locker room, with my knees drawn up to my chest and whispered to myself. It was quiet and cool in here, a stark change from the chaos outside the door.
"Luka told me today. About Abby and him. And their baby"
I clenched my hand tighter around the small teddy bear I held. It was dressed in surgeons' scrubs, with a miniature stethoscope. It had been a belated Valentines present from Luka.
"It's not really a shock. I knew it was what he wanted" I sighed softly.
"But still... I can't help thinking that that could have been me, if it wasn't for that one little thing"
I traced a pattern on the bear's furry head "I didn't really want him"
The bear stared back at me with his blank brown plastic eyes.
"I mean, I liked his company, and the sex was more than great. I liked being with him and Alex adored him too"
I nuzzled the bears head with my nose.
"But I didn't really love him. I couldn't really trust him, even when I wanted too. I couldn't have had his child. It would have been unfair"
I squished the bear's body with my cold fingers.
"It doesn't stop me from thinking about it. It's like that old adage, you always want what you can't have"
I stood up slowly and opened my locker.
"When I had him, I didn't want him. So I guess that's what it comes down to, I didn't really want him, or I wouldn't have let him go"
I paused and looked across at the Christmas toy donation box in the corner of the room.
"I didn't really want him, but I'm not ready to give everything up quite yet. That's probably why I'm still talking to you"
I shoved Doctor Bear back in my locker, smoothed my hair and straightened my clothes.
I'll be fine, I thought to myself as I walked back out into the ER with a smile on my face.
-x-
