Remembering, by lyradaemon
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters etc – they belong to Philip Pullman. The songs aren't mine either (titles and artists at bottom of page)
I've changed this since I put it up on the website. Some people thought I had too many songs (and probably were right about that – I get carried away!) So I took out the one by Eva Cassidy and a few verses from another one. Some people just didn't like the story generally, but that's personal opinion and I respect it.
A/N: I decided to take a break from The Black Jewels and Tamora Pierce. As much as I love the books and the characters, I wanted to write something different and new. And considering that His Dark Materials (The Amber Spyglass in particular) are my favourite books ever – and I've just finished reading them again – I thought I would write a story about Lyra. It's set after the Amber Spyglass, when Lyra is about 18/19, on Midsummer's Day. I hope you enjoy it. (By the way, it is Midsummer's Day isn't it? Not Eve?)
Lyra made her way slowly down the road. People walked by on either side but she didn't see them; she was only content on one thing, and that was her destination. Her pace quickened as she neared it.
Midsummer's day this year was as warm and sunny as it had been for the past six years. Lyra had woken to the sound of birds singing outside her room on the windowsill and streams of sunlight flooding through onto her pillow. But while the glorious weather suggested otherwise, her heart had been heavy from the moment she had opened her eyes. Today was the day she went to the Botanic Gardens in her home city of Oxford and sat on that familiar bench in the secluded garden which (thankfully) not too many people visited.
It was also the day when Will Parry went to the Botanic Gardens in his home city of Oxford and sat on exactly the same bench in exactly the same part of the sprawling gardens. At midnight Will would do the same thing Lyra would. In fact, he would probably be walking the same route right now.
Lyra felt tears prick her eyes at the thought of Will and she almost ran the last few steps to the entrance. As usual it was locked, but it had never stopped her before; so she climbed nimbly over the wall, not caring if anyone saw her, such was her desperation.
"Be careful Lyra," a voice nearby whispered. "Don't get careless and hurt yourself."
"Oh hush Pan," Lyra replied affectionately. Pantalaimon, Lyra's beloved daemon, emerged from the shadows, the moonlight playing over his beautiful fur.
Pan regarded Lyra for a few seconds, then seemed to come to a conclusion. "Would you like to be alone?" He asked.
Lyra hesitated. Although she and Pan could move apart more than the usual few feet, as the witches could, she still felt uneasy letting him out of her sight. Despite the fact it had happened years ago, she couldn't help thinking of that awful, sickening moment when she had abandoned Pan to enter the Realm of the Dead. Even now she was haunted in her dreams by the guilt she still felt and would carry for the rest of her life.
But this was different. It was private – something Pan, for all he shared her every thought and emotion, could never understand. So she accepted his offer. "Please, Pan. I'll call you when I'm ready to leave."
Pan nodded in understanding. He had seen the unshed tears in Lyra's blue eyes, and had known immediately that she would want to be alone. So he said goodbye and disappeared into the shadows of the garden.
Lyra walked the final path to her secluded garden. Their garden. Because she shared it with Will; this was their special secret, the place which held so many memories. Lyra sat down slowly on the bench set in the corner of the garden and looked up into the dark night sky, the stars twinkling despite the anbaric lamps throwing out their light. I wonder if Will can see what I'm seeing? She thought. Are his stars the same as mine?
Then, suddenly and unbidden, Will's face – as stubborn and determined as she remembered – rose before her eyes. Despite it being only a memory, Will smiled at her, that smile which sent shivers down her spine and set her heart on fire. That smile which all their experiences, all their trials, could not erase. That smile he had smiled on that blissful afternoon in the grove in the land of the Mulefa.
Remembering that beautiful day broke the final shreds of Lyra's self-control. Her tears now flowed hotly down her cheeks and dampened her hair. Every memory she had of Will resurfaced, every little detail about him, and still the tears flowed. All the grief and loneliness she had felt since the day they had parted forever overwhelmed her, leaving her sobbing and gasping and helpless. She couldn't think, could barely breathe, such was her pain and sadness.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
But it was all so hard. How could she not wish that Will was here, with her, always? She loved him more than she could ever love anyone, so why couldn't she feel grief that they weren't together like they should be?
I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standing on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard
She couldn't talk to anyone about what she had gone through with Will. It was still – after all this time – too painful and no one would, or could, understand it. She had experienced with Will things that no one – especially not a girl and boy of only 12 – should ever have to endure. She had come face to face with her death. She had travelled to the Realm of the Dead where no living had ever gone before, and whence no one ever returned. Except them. Between the two of them, they had destroyed Death. How could anyone possibly comprehend what that meant?
I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a path that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
She had promised Will that she would move on, that she wouldn't keep herself in the past, wishing things were otherwise. She had made him that promise and when she made it, she wouldn't have broken it for the world. She would have done – and always would do – anything and everything for Will, no matter what. But that promise had been far too hard to keep. She just couldn't forget him, couldn't forget the moments and feelings they had shared, the trials they had endured together. She couldn't dream without seeing his beloved face before hers.
Remember the good times we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smiling in the sun
I want to feel your warmth upon me, I want to be the one
Had he moved on? Had he forgotten her, found someone else to love? He would be 18 now, almost 19. Why shouldn't he have met another person and fallen in love with them, and want to spend the rest of his life with them? Why should she begrudge him that pleasure?
But you promised Will. You promised you would never forget me, that you would love me forever. That we would never be apart, not really, because we would always be in each others thoughts. You promised you would always remember me. And I promised too.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Lyra sighed heavily, despite the sobs still racking her chest. She would never forget Will, she knew that. She had already broken that promise she had made to him; she hadn't moved on, and she knew in her heart she never would. Oh, she might meet someone and get married one day, but her heart wouldn't be completely in it and never would be. Will had stolen her heart long ago and he still kept, probably without realising it. It would always be his.
While the time they had shared in the world of the Mulefa had been relatively short, it had been the happiest, most blissful time of her life. She could almost feel the heat of that sun beating down on them while they bathed together in the pool, surrounded by ferns. She could almost hear the sound of the Mulefa, both nearby and far-off at the same time, murmuring in contentment and companionship. She could taste the delicious, icy cold water of the mountain stream. Taste the rich cheese and fresh bread, feel her cotton shirt on her skin. She could feel Will's arms around her, the touch of his lips on her skin, could hear his beloved voice whispering sweet nothings in her ear…
Lyra was walking. Unsure of where she was, she looked wildly around her, searching for something familiar. Suddenly she caught a glimpse of the striped umbrellas outside the café and bar. She felt the wind toss her hair lightly in the breeze. Cittagazze.
Sensing someone's eyes on her she spun round. And there was Will, coming a short way off, gazing at her with an unreadable expression in his eyes.
Slowly Lyra moved towards him, her eyes never leaving his face. When she was a few steps away she stopped and reached out her hands to him.
I have a smile
Stretched from ear to ear
To see you walking down the road
Oh and every time I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away
And I forgot
To tell you
I love you
And the night's
Too long
And cold here
Without you
I grieve in my condition
For I cannot find the words to say I need you so
Oh and every time I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away
And I forgot
To tell you
I love you
And the night's
Too long
And cold here
Without you
Lyra woke suddenly, startled to find the cold wood of the bench beneath her head. She sat upright, rubbing her eyes, trying to clear her head of sleep.
Then the dream came rushing back to her and she began to cry again. I didn't tell him I loved him and now I'll never be able to she thought wildly, caught up in her grief. Oh Will, I love you and miss you so much!
When the tears finally stopped, her head cleared. Was that a dream? Or was that really Will, really him with me? But she couldn't answer that question. Why had he walked away? Didn't he love her anymore?
Of course he loves you. He always has and always will, no matter what. You would be wise to remember that.
Lyra couldn't tell where that voice had come from, but she did know that it came from a being she should trust and believe. Will did love her. The dream had been that, nothing more. A nightmare even, sent to scare her. He loved her. He loves me.
Lyra yawned widely, not realising how exhausted she felt. She had cried a lot and the emotional strain of sitting here, remembering Will, had completely worn her out. Stifling another huge yawn, she got stiffly to her feet and stretched. Checking her watch she saw that it was almost one o'clock; she'd been here nearly an hour.
So Lyra slowly made her way out of her secret garden and back towards the main entrance. When she was almost there she called quietly for Pan, knowing that he was somewhere close by. After a brief pause he shot out of a nearby bush and leapt into Lyra's arms. She hugged him close to her, burying her face in his warm fur. "I miss him so much, Pan. I love him so much it hurts and I miss him. Oh, Pan, I want him here, beside me, now. I love him, I love him…" Pan made sympathetic mewing sounds in his throat, reassuring her of his love for her, comforting her in her sadness.
"He's always near Lyra. As long as you remember him, he'll always be with you, waking and sleeping. He'll never stop loving you."
"How do you know?" She whispered, finally looking at him.
"Because Kirjava promised me. And I believe her, and I know she will keep that promise. She don't fret so much Lyra; they will never forget us."
"And we'll never forget them either Pan. As long as we live, we will always remember Will and Kirjava."
"Always," Pan agreed.
And so woman and daemon made their way slowly back to their room and their bed, where Will would always be in her dreams.
A/N: That's it. The first song is "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan (there verses are in a different order to the original); the second is song is "I Love You", minus a verse or two, again by Sarah McLachlan (I love her music, if you hadn't realised.)
So. Hope you enjoyed it. As I've said before, I love His Dark Materials and I think Lyra is one of the most fascinating characters ever written. I cry every time I read the end of the Amber Spyglass, and I have to admit it made me a bit teary-eyed, writing this (I'm hopeless aren't I?) Anyway, please send me your thoughts and views on it; I would really appreciate any feedback – especially since I'm considering writing something else about Will and Lyra…!