Name: Flannery Chalke

Title: Serenity: Allegro

Rating: T for language (and maybe some sexuality later on if I can write it.)

Disclaimer: All characters (w/ the exception of Liz) come from the mind of Joss Whedon. They belong to him, Mutant Enemy, Fox, Universal, and anyone else with legal hold. I'm just along for the ride.

Please please please review. It's like sugar and caffeine combined and shot straight into the bloodstream (I'm assuming). I will love you forever if you do!

Thanks so much to the lovely reviewers of my first two chapters. You all are so wonderful! Please keep letting me know if you enjoy!

On with the show!

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Chapter Three – The Secrets

As Serenity hurled through the black, life seemed to shift slowly. In one day Simon smiled more that he had in ages and Kaylee laughed more, and it wasn't the dry, hollow exclamations that Mal had heard over the past three years.

Jayne was…Jayne, and Liz and Zoë went about their daily business despite the latest batch of battle scars, but the overall tone was lighter. Someone had pulled off the covers and they all stood blinking in the sunlight trying to figure out which way to go, just happy for the change in atmosphere.

One day Mal left the bridge and saw the Simon and River sitting across the table from each other. She held his hands and he was struggling not to cry. Their eyes were locked in a way he'd only seen from the Tams, exchanging information through the particles floating in between them. She told Simon her story and he understood their need to reconcile. Simon failed her and River betrayed him, and yet forgiveness came without hesitation. It was the way they were.

Mal saw everything, which was expected. He was the captain; he was supposed to know what was going on. Simon had his moments of anger and frustration that he nobly tried to contain. He couldn't have helped River control herself. He couldn't have taught her to hone her skills and to stop her nightmares. Mal also knew Simon harbored a secret bitterness. It was his job to fix her. Without it, what did he have? He knew River knew it, too.

"Mal, how long are we going to be on Virgo Minor?"

"How long are ya gonna need?"

"A day. I need a port address to wave shipments to. A little more than a day would be best."

"Then it's yours." He sighed into the glass of sake and tossed it back. She did the same.

After the first midnight confessional, their nightly sake sessions became habit. Mal couldn't sleep and River didn't want to most nights, so they settled back into symbiosis. River harbored a secret fear of becoming totally dependant on her drugs and tried to space their use. Despite the frugalness of it, she clung to hope that there would be a day when she could be totally whole again. It was a failing battle in a losing war, she knew this, but it was all she had. Mal understood, having found himself there before.

This was the hardest challenge, hiding his personal bitterness. After the events on Miranda, he'd found a purpose of sorts, one that seemed as noble as any. Hell, the protection of his albatross was the most honorable thing he'd ever done. It wasn't a volunteer position. It had to be taken up, and he had to be the one to do it.

When she left, he found himself in the same boat as Simon, lost and unsure how to keep going. His purpose had deserted him of it's own volition, and still he had a ship to captain which made it all the more difficult. He could feign control under pressure, but the years had taken their toll. It was undeniably harder this time around. The blow was more personal than he would ever admit.

River did damage control as best she could. She spent long hours with Simon and Kaylee, cleaned weapons with Jayne, and helped Liz learn to shoot. When she'd fully recovered from her chest wound, Liz was determined to make herself of use to her benefactors. She went to Jayne, but quickly learned that he wasn't up to explaining the logistics of the thing. River soon took over.

"You can't close an eye when you pull the trigger."

"But with one eye shut, I can see the target clearly. With both open the target blurs."

River took the gun and pointed it at the target set up in the cargo space.

"Do you know how the eyes work?" Liz shook her head. "Each eye sees from a different point. There's only a small space between the points," she pointed to Liz's eyes, "but then the brain takes the images and puts them together like you've got one big eye in the center of your forehead that sees everything centered. When you close your right eye, you see everything from the left's perspective, not the centered picture. You shoot at the target, but it's been shifted to the left, and thus no hit. You just have to learn to focus with both. Does that make sense?" Liz nodded uncertainly.

After a few more attempts, Liz finally shook her head.

"I'm just not a very good aim."

"It takes practice. Keep working on it." She rested a hand on the girl's shoulder.

"I only just met you, and yet I'd know you anywhere. They said you were in the shadows and from time to time I saw them flicker, and I figured it could only be you. They mourned you hard. I think that's why they took me on. I couldn't pay nearly enough, especially when my want add showed up on the cortex. They needed someone to fill the silence, and there's no way I could've done that."

Images flashed in River's head, smoke and fire and blood, and she pushed them away.

"Your presence was always here, always felt, even when you weren't."

River nodded.

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They landed on Virgo Minor, a mini metropolis surrounded by uninhabitable marsh, without incident. A buyer was found for the soma close enough to asking price for Mal to hand it over without comment. He just wanted to be rid of the stuff.

Given their extra time on the moon, Jayne took off to find some play and River left in search of her packages with the rest of the crew in tow. None wanted to admit it, but River would not be leaving anyone's sight. She signed for a midsize metallic cargo locker and opened a packing crate. She lifted out an ornate box and absently passed it to Mal so she could clean up the packing material. Suddenly she shot up.

"I can take it…"

"It's from Inara." Mal tried to hide his shock. River looked sheepish.

"I waved her." He nodded. It was perfectly within her right; River and Inara had bonded after Miranda. They shared their standing on Serenity, part of the crew but never quite willing to believe it. The way River saw it, there would always be an unbreachable barrier maintained by Inara's status and her own questionable sanity. She knew Inara was crushed by her departure, almost as much as Simon and Mal, and she'd left Serenity permanently not long after. Mal was glad they'd stayed in touch, but it still made him uneasy. He didn't like to think of Inara these days.

Simon and Liz shared a look of painful curiosity. No one questioned River's secrets. She carried the sleek box from Allegra and the ornate one from Inara back to Serenity and made a beeline for her bunk.

Mal, Simon, almost everyone had tried to tiptoe around this new secret. Aside from Mal and Simon she hadn't told anyone about the past three years. No one asked for more than she told them, paranoid that something would set her off and she'd be gone again. The wound that lay raw and gaping with her departure had been cheaply patched, and all were paranoid the slightest movement would tear it open once more.

Simon shifted weight from foot to foot, longing to follow River to her room. Mal was slightly perturbed by the six grown humans all standing awkwardly, unsure of how to proceed. Even more disturbing was Kaylee's scowl, the first one he'd ever seen.

"Well come on then. She's not going to let us into her tree house; we might as well look for entertainment elsewhere." She took off for the kitchen. Simon, looking sheepish, followed her.

The rest of the crew watched them go, and no one noticed that River had slid open her door and watched the commotion. Silently, she followed the two.

"Well, I guess the rest of the ship is officially off limits until they figure somethin' out." Mal nodded in Jayne's direction. The remaining four departed in search of temporary occupation.

River watched Simon and Kaylee from the kitchen doorway.

"Kaylee, please understand, she's my sister."

"You don't think I understand? I've been understandin' for the past three years. She left and you might as well have left too, for all that remain'd o' you. She left and you broke and you wouldn't let anyone try an'…try an' fix you. She was all you needed, you made it quite clear." She paused, holding back a sob. "You let yourself lay around broken and all I wanted was to fix you for a change. But you wouldn't let me."

"Kaylee." He took a step toward. She put her hand up.

"Please Simon, just go away for a little while, ok. Just go away." When he didn't move, she sighed and exited towards the engine room. Simon looked down defeated.

"Let me," River whispered. She crossed the kitchen and entered the engine room. Kaylee was stroking Serenity with one hand and wiping her eyes with the other.

"What's she telling you?"

Kaylee whipped around. "She's telling me that she got broke three years ago and the rough patch job you put on her ain't gonna hold much longer if you keep staying to yourself."

"Kaylee, I'm sorry for what I did to your home. For what I did to Simon, and what that meant for you and him."

"River, you were his life. You took away his life; you killed him. He gave up everything for you and how do you pay him back? You disappear in the middle o' the night with not but a little hologram for comfort. His job, his friends, his future, all gone and I know what he did was the right thing to do, but him stayin' here with you, that justified it, everything he lost. It justified him. Not nothin' but you." She broke down and, despite her tirade, accepted River's offered embrace.

That night at dinner, the crew was still tense. Zoë had found a produce vendor and a large portion of the soma money went towards fresh food. She cooked it with Kaylee and the smells soon drew everyone else to the kitchen. Real food wasn't just to be eaten; it was to be experienced.

River was the last to join them at the table. Her arrival was met with a variety of responses, mostly awkward nods and a few glares. Conversation was uncomfortable. She screeched her chair back and returned a few moments later with the two boxes. She opened the metallic one first.

"Imitator norepinephrine to shut down the reticular activation system. Concentrated serotonin to induce short term comatose. Imitator acetylcholine in nearly toxic levels to prevent dreaming in REM sleep. Diazepam, alprazolam, lithium carbonate, chlorazepate, haloperidol, chlordiaxepoxide, trifluoperazine, imitator doxepin. " She threw bag after bag of cartridges onto the table. Liz started to cry.

"And these," she tore off the ornate wooden lid and pulled out a handful of cloth, "are some clothes from Inara. The meds induce a total comatose state, along with antipsychotics and antidepressants for good measure. It's the only way I can sleep; hell, it's the only way I can keep from going crazy! I can feel ever gorram emotion and every gorram thought this side of the Core. I tried…I tried everything! And I didn't fix myself, but this is as close as I'm going to get."

Zoë broke the falling silence, her face hard. "And it took you three years to figure all that out?"

"No." She sighed. "It took me three years to learn to do this."

She closed her eyes. Her breathing quickened and she held her palms parallel to her chest. Then, as though against some unseen and impenetrable barrier, she pushed with all her strength.

The results were beautiful and terrifying. In each head images flashed of River broken down, a woman with curly red hair, sorrow, rage, image after image of foreign people and places. River meditating, River fighting, River crying and screaming with pain. They sped too quickly to hold on to one, each lingering just enough to send its message, not long enough to be interpreted. Three years of images, River's hair growing longer, eyes hardening, face taught as she learned to control the gift she'd been given and the curse she'd been forced to bear. And then it ended as suddenly as it started.

Beads of sweat puckered along the lines in her forehead. Her knees bucked and she reached forward to steady herself against a chair. The entire crew breathed from exertion despite the fact that no one had moved.

"So is Crazy really a witch?"

And just like that, the tension broke. River burst into tears of exhaustion and Kaylee moved to sweep her up. Simon helped.

"Come on mei mei, Eat something."

Several minutes later when the flow stopped, River sat down and filled her plate.

Jayne shoveled food into his mouth. "Hey River, uh, who was the hot chick with the crazy hair?" River bust out laughing, a welcome sound.

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The dinner dishes were piled on the sideboard and most of the crew had gone to bed. River shoved her boxes, all secrets revealed, under her bed and went back to the kitchen. Mal had already drowned half the bottle of sake and it showed.

"That was quite the display at dinner." The slight slurring of syllables was a sure sign that this would take an interesting turn. Mal wasn't the best drunk.

"I gave up the last of my secrets. Let the healing process begin." She poured herself a glass.

"That's what you meant, that you can project your mind on t' others. How far can you go?"

"It's actually easier to just let yourself go in space for miles and miles. The problem then becomes how to pull yourself back, which is almost impossible if you aren't in control. What I did tonight, projecting my memories, it took a lot of work, just like it takes work to read people the farther away they are."

Mal downed another glass. He rubbed his face.

"And you can still do what you did before, see the future and hear people's thoughts?"

"Yup." She downed her glass. "I can even search through other people's memories. I'm a lot more dangerous that they ever thought I'd be," she murmured to herself.

"Can you see…can you see Inara?"

"Yes, though she asked me not to. I try to respect her wishes."

"You've talked to her?"

She hesitated. "I stayed with her for several months after I left Allegra's complex. Inara helped me get my bearings."

"Well I'll be…she could'a had the damn decency to 've said something. I waved her from time to time, you know how broken up she was about your leaving?"

"Yes. I asked her not to tell you where I was. She was kind enough to oblige."

"I see. Now tell me, are we all just puppets for your casual use, or just the ones who really care?"

"You know I'm sorry. I know what you had to do. I've seen it. What you did to Simon for me."

"Yeah, I bet you do. I shot a man in the back who'd finally learned to trust me so that you could go traipsing through space lookin' for a woman who would teach you to 'push'. Hell, Jayne could'a given you the basics o' that particular..,"

"That's not fair."

"What? You made me keep a promise I didn't wanna…"

"You didn't have to keep it. In fact why did you, oh honorable Captain Reynolds?"

"Gosh, I don't rightly know. You seemed well enough as it was 'fore you left. I guess the itty bitty boat got too small for the little albatross."

He knew it was wrong and regretted it the moment it left his mouth.

Her face hardened.

"Right, I seemed well, just perfect. A human wave transmitter processing ever gorram signal for a fifty-mile radius. I enjoyed the unending Serenity show, oh wow didn't I just. Because you see, in my head you're all animals. Stripped down to the most basic, raw, emotions and hormones broadcasting at high volume out of every pore. Do you think I enjoyed Kaylee's constant sexual frustration or Simon's perpetual confusion or Jayne…oh don't get me started on that…screech of static. And you, you Malcolm Reynolds, don't you even get me started on you." She stood up, turned on her heel, started forward, then whipped back.

"Damn you Mal. I love this ship." She sped down the corridor.

After two quick cups of coffee, he eased his way down to infirmary. River had just shot the multi-loader and was untying the rubber from her upper arm when he knocked on the infirmary doorframe. She didn't turn.

"I understand what you needed. You said you were looking for your own serenity, which you knew I'd understand no matter how much I didn't want to."

"Mal, this stuff…"

"Wait, hear me out. They took your brain, your home, your faith, and your family, save for Simon. I of all people should'a defended what you did, not tear you to pieces. I've been there. I kept my promise and I shot Simon in the back because I knew what you needed. I knew why you left me your hologram, which by the way got Simon all stung up 'cause he didn't get it first. Anyway, I'm right glad your back and I'm glad you're better, though it doesn't mean the leaving hurt any less. You're Serenity's albatross, and my albatross, and I…"

"Mal, Mal, this stuff's fast acting."

He barely caught her in time.

He picked her up, as light as that night in the Maidenhead, and carried her to her bunk. He managed to lay her down and pull a blanket over her before his head started swimming and his vision went black.

River awoke to Mal sprawled on the floor. She leapt forward and shook his shoulders. He grumbled something and she shook harder. Eventually he rolled over and rubbed his eyes.

"Where am I?"

"Too much sake makes Mal sleepy."

"River?"

"Come on. Simon will flip if he finds you here. He's very protective you know."

"Wait, what?"

"Less talk, more moving."

She propped him up with her shoulder and helped him up the stairs. They passed through the kitchen and she pushed open his bunk hatch.

"Think you can make it down ok?"

"Uhh…sure albatross."

He started down the ladder and River followed deftly behind. He slid down the last few bars and when she reached the landing he was leaning against the wall, still too sleepy and drunk to keep himself upright. She propped him up once more and draped his torso over the top of the bed, then reached down to pick his feet up at the other end. She draped a blanket over him.

"River, what are you doin'?"

"You did the same for me."

"Wait, River, you need to see. You need to see I didn't push her away."

"I know you didn't."

"Still, here, see. Please."

"Mal…"

"Please."

She sighed and reached forward, placing her hands on his temples. She breathed slowly and surely, and then pushed.

Author's note: it was purely coincidental, I swear, but as I was writing this last scene, Joni Mitchell's River came on itunes. Even better, it fits the scene well.

Ta ta, and please review. You've all been so wonderful thus far; I love hearing from you.