Mm, me and my angst.
Anyway, there's gonna be three parts to this story. At least I hope there will be. It's taking me forever to come back and finish up this story, which is pretty sad considering it's only needs two more chapters.
If I DO ever get around to it though, my plan is to base each chapter on a certain song, and each song will be like the inner voice of any of the characters in the Inu/Kag/Kik love triangle.
So hopefully, this story will be completed... sometime before I'm 20... yah, so that gives me, what? Four more years? I can do that. Right?
:ducks as readers chuck zucchinis: Sigh.
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I had felt more pain in that moment then I had in my entire life.
Every battle, every demon, every wound...
But nothing was compared to this.
The moonlight radiates upon everything in a seemingly celestial glow. Like a silver mist, casting illusion and hiding shadows. Who knows what lurks beneath the veil of light? I know. I am witnessing it right now.
They are bathed in such an unearthly sheen. This sensation... is odd. Like I'm floating, watching my body suffer...watching myself as my worst nightmare unfolds...
How many times have you told me you love her?
As many times as I wanted to tell you the truth
How long have I stood here, beside you?
I lived through you; you looked through me
Locks of ebony, shining so beautifully... so real, in this moonlight. His claws are caressing those locks, and for maybe the millionth time in my two year journey, I wished to the Kami's that those tresses were mine...
Ironic, isn't it? That is my hair, my face, my smile of bliss, all in a previous form of how I now stand. I guess the original is always of more worth than the copy. The original is forever cherished, while the copy can be forgotten. It is of no importance, other replicas can be made.
I am of no importance, he would never notice if another of me was made. More technically, if another her was made...
How stupid am I? Giving myself away like this. How many times have I been told? How many times have I been broken? And how many times have I longed to just tell him the truth... longed to tell him my heart and all its secrets.
And still I stand here. Watching, always watching, his love for another. His love for myself. My better self, the self he now holds in his arms.
I know all this. And yet... I wonder. If she had not returned...would it have been me? Would I be there, feeling the warm strength of my heart's only desire, pulling me close and listening to his heart?
My reason to rise each day, my reason to live, cannot even see me. He looks right through me, only seeing her within me, only seeing what has been, instead of what could be.
Ooo, solitude
Still with me is only you
Ooo, solitude
I can't stay away from you
Alone.
That's what I've always been, hasn't it?
He's beside me each day, and watches over me each night. He holds the sun, my sun, in his eyes of radiant gold. And the moon shimmers from within the strands of his silky pewter hair. I can't stay away... without sunlight I'd die in darkness, and without the secrets of the mysterious lady moon, I'd die without knowledge.
I will instead die alone, all alone. I am but a solitary star in this swirling black of life.
How many times have I done this to myself?
How long will it take before I see?
When will this hole in my heart be mended?
Who now is left alone but me?
Gently his fingers pass over her lips, shushing her, telling her that he's here now, and that he promises to protect her.
I bite back my tongue, holding on to my silent scream of heartache.
Why, Inuyasha? Why? I want to call out, to demand an answer from the cause of my suffering. Was it just not the other day you were promising me the same? Promising me your attention?
But my words fall silent on my lips. My lips that now bleed from the pressure of my teeth, biting them down, begging them to not make a sound. The metallic taste of my crimson life forces is bitter, like my heart. My broken, weeping heart...
I have seen this all to many times, and by now I know that even if I somehow get my legs of lead to move, to run, it will only hurt more to be chased, knowing that I have his body, but someone else has his heart, mind, and soul.
So many times I do this to myself. Watching while my heart breaks. Why do I do this? Why don't I just give up, finally accept that he will never hold me so tenderly, that he will never caress my now bloody lips, promising me forever...
I see it so clearly in my conscious eye, but subconsciously I still wait. Wait for the day when I can lift the illusionary moonlight that hides my feelings... that hides my heart...
My heart.
Does such a thing even exist anymore? All I feel now is a gaping hole, sucking in my spirit, draining my happiness...
And leaving me more alone than ever.
Ooo, solitude
Forever me and forever you
Ooo, solitude
Only you, Only true
Forever stretches for all of eternity. It touches every crack, every corner, ever nick in the oblivion of space. It holds everything together, giving us time. Time to live, time to die, time to heal, time to be...
But time cannot touch me. Have I not proven that, from my travels through the well? Time cannot harm me, therefore neither can forever. So I guess I'll be stuck here, floating eternally in nowhere, a place of no age or time. A place were my thoughts are of him...only him...
Everyone leaves me stranded
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind.
I can't stay her another night
Naraku is dead, so I should be happy. I should be living my life to its fullest, now that his darkness no longer haunts my senses.
Senses.
A useless word now. I feel nothing but the numb buzz, like white noise, burning within me and searing me with pain. Blocking out the rest of my emotions... that, or they have all collided in a swirling mass of feeling that is slowly ripping me up inside...
I stopped using those, senses, feelings, emotions, when they left me. When they all left me...
It's so selfish of me to think that way. They're happy, Sango and Miroku. Married and happy. They even took in Shippo... I wonder, would feel so alone if I still had his warm body to cuddle up beside each night...?
The nights now are so cold. I feel like I've already froze to death, and yet I'm still seeing, still breathing, still me...
But I'm not me. I can't be me. I've never BEEN me. I am Kikyou, or was. All I am is a remake. A stupid remake. A used shell...
Your secret admirer
Who could it be?
He never guessed.
Never once, after all our time together, did he ever guess. He always claimed to be so alone, so unloved. He never knew, never thought, never put two and two together...
Ooo..
Can't you see all along it was me?
How can you be so blind as to see right through me?
Aishiteru, Inuyasha...
He never saw that he was my last breath, my heartbeat, my soul.
...and a mortal is nothing without a soul.
He looked down at me each day, be it with a smile or a smirk, and all he saw was Kikyou. Always Kikyou. Never me... never my heart... never Kagome.
Solitude
Still with me is only you
Ooo, solitude
I can't stay away from you
It hurts so bad... so incredibly bad...
But I can't stay away.
No, then I'd die completely.
Ooo, solitude
Forever me and forever you
Ooo, solitude
Only you, only true
Forever you, Inuyasha... forever you...
XXXXXXXX
"Kagome?"
"Mmm..." Rolling onto her side, the young miko's raven tresses spilled around her pale face. She looked so peaceful...
"It hurts so bad..."
Amber eyes widened before softening slightly with a small glow of concern. Pressing a calloused hand to her forehead, the hanyou frowned to himself. She didn't seem to be radiating any kind of fever...
"Kagome?" he tried again, allowing his hand to linger of her face long enough to trail a clawed digit down her soft cheek.
"Forever you..."
Feeling his heart speed up in his chest, he leaned in closer to the sleeping girl. He breath tickled his ear as he strained to hear her next dream-driven words.
"...Inuyasha..."
Slowly she began to stir, and Inuyasha hastily pulled himself upwards into a sitting position, and put some distance between him and the girl.
Long dark lashes fluttered, and a loud yawn was produced as Kagome stretched her arms high above her head. She finally opened her eyes, then squinted as they adjusted to the light. The deep azure pools seemed to shine brighter than usual, for the early-morning brightness was too harsh and caused them to water slightly.
Seeming to realize she was being watched, Kagome turned her head and looked over at Inuyasha who was watching her with an unreadable expression on his face from the corner he sat in. When he saw her peering up at him, his usual guarded look returned, and he scowled at her.
"You're finally up, wench." he spat, looking away before he could see the hurt register in her eyes. "I thought you went and died on me or something."
When she made no move to respond, Inuyasha's head snapped back to face her when the scent of salty tears assaulted his nose.
"Hey..." he started, his voice becoming more gentle. "Don't cry. I was just getting worried, is all. Shh..." but when he tried to reach out to wipe a tear away, she visibly flinched as scooted away from his touch. Feeling a pang in his heart, Inuyasha just continued to stare at the girl.
Getting up from her sleeping bag, Kagome wandered over to her yellow backpack and flashed Inuyasha a watery smile.
"I'll be ready in a bit, okay?"
"Alright..." Inuyasha whispered, but she was already gone.