A few days later Trixie appears in front of my desk.
"Mistress, you must come, Miss Hermione" she stops mid sentence. Her features are distressed, her ears flattened to her head.
"Where?" I ask as I rise from my chair. Already moving towards the floo.
"The flat, mistress" she confirms and then blinks out of the office.
I summon the floo powder to me and drop some into the hearth. "Heather grove" I say clearly.
As I emerge into the den, I can barely see. The curtains are drawn, there are no lights or candles burning. There is a distinct smell of alcohol, sweat and vomit in the air. I wave my wand wearily at the curtains, not sure I want to see the state of the room. It's as I expected. Bottles strewn throughout the room, all empty, some smashed against the wall. Trails of blood leading away from the shards, pools of dried vomit over the sofa, the floor, even on the table.
"Trixie" I call. She appears immediately. "Clean this up, please" I request.
"But Miss Hermione forbade it, Mistress" she says, ringing her hands, looking around at the destruction left behind.
"I'm guessing she forbade you from coming to get me too, but you disobeyed that request. Please Trixie, I know I bound you to her as well as me, but this isn't Hermione. Where is she?" I question, watching as she begins to clear the room.
"Bathroom" she mutters distractedly.
I stride from the den, the hall is in the same state as the den, slightly less vomit and glass here, but still dark and blood trails going into the kitchen, coming back out and into the dining room. I take a peek in the room, and see it still set for the dinner I had planned, everything in the room has been destroyed except for the table, that's been left untouched by her anger. I move quickly through the rest of the flat until I reach the bathroom. Hermione is passed out, her head resting on the toilet, vomit on her chin, in her hair, a bottle lies half full beside her, ready for when she wakes.
"Oh Hermione" I whisper as tears fill my eyes. I shouldn't have left. I should have stayed, apologised for doubting her, begged her to forgive me.
I lean down, and clean the vomit from her face with a cloth. Her skin is pale, and I inspect her feet. There are shards of glass embedded in her skin. The blood clotting around them. I vanish the bottle from the room, along with the vomit from her hair, clothes and the small puddle that didn't quite make it to the toilet. I need to get her in the shower, but I don't want to risk waking her either. I start the shower anyway, and banish her clothes to the washroom. As she is exposed to me, I see the bruises on her arms, where she's gripped herself so tightly she left marks behind, her ribs protruding, the scar on her arm, where she's tried again to get rid of it by scratching at it, gouging, trying to get it to disappear. The blood congealed but the word still remains, as stark as ever against her pale skin.
When she came back to Hogwarts for her seventh year, I found her once, up the astronomy tower, sitting on the edge, her legs dangling over the side, a bottle of firewhiskey in hand, looking up at the stars. She'd told me then that she'd thought about jumping a few times, had come close a few days before but then she sensed the barrier that had been erected to prevent such things. I'd asked her why, as I close my eyes the memory surfaces as if it were yesterday
"Miss Granger, what on earth are you doing up here?" The wards had told me someone was on the parapet so I came to investigate. I never expected to find my most prized pupil
"Hmm" she sighs "nothing, just contemplating my life, and where it all went wrong" she takes a swig of firewhiskey, directly from the bottle. She sways dangerously as she drops her arm back down.
"Was it the summer my uncle got a little too handsy, at a bbq my parents held, whilst I was doing the dishes? Was it whilst I was at this school and befriended Harry and by association Ron, who wouldn't take no for an answer? Maybe it was whilst we were on the run last year when we were caught and taken to Malfoy manor where Bellatrix tortured me and branded me a mudblood for eternity. Or possibly it all went wrong when I took a life in the final battle, watching as the light left their eyes, an unnamed death eater, that was torturing a first year that got left behind" she takes another swig of the firewhiskey. Her hands trembling , she sighs again "can you remove the wards, headmistress? Or will I need to find another way to end it all, to get away from these godforsaken memories" she asked calmly
I stood there in silence for a while, tears running down my cheeks as I felt the pain and sorrow Hermione was experiencing.
"Hermione, I can't, and won't remove the wards so you can jump. I can listen and try to help you, guide you through these awful memories, so that you can live in a semblance of peace again" I reach out for the hand that is resting on the wall and give her fingers a squeeze. "Please come down so we can talk in my rooms, please" I beg. She turns her head to look at me, the look of complete desolation and wariness in her eyes is enough to break my heart. How did I not notice that she was so broken? That she wasn't coping? I vowed to myself that I would get her the help she needed.
The memory fades as I open my eyes once more. I lift Hermione into the shower, she doesn't flicker. I wash her down, make sure all the dried blood and vomit is gone. Wash her hair as best I can. I then dry her off with a towel as opposed to a spell, hoping that the tactile sensation is somehow seeping into her psyche.
I lift her again into my arms, she weighs nothing, and take her into our bedroom. This room is untouched. Exactly as it was three days ago when I left. The ring is still in its case on the dresser. The bed was still made, in the hopes that it would become rumpled as we celebrated being engaged and affirming our feelings for one another.
I place her tenderly on the covers, run my fingers down the side of her face.
"Oh, love" I sigh as my finger travels over her lips. Another memory surfaces
We were in the middle of a field, in the Scottish highlands, having a picnic when I became playful and started to tickle her. "Min!" She giggled as I tickled her mercilessly. We've been together for about 4months. The love and light she has bought into my life has been a balm.
I rise over her and run my fingers over her lips, "I love you" I whisper looking deep into her eyes. It's the first time I've said it. I've felt it for a while, but this is the first time I've uttered those words to her. She smiles radiantly at me, her eyes wide and open "truly?" She questions. I nod and lean forward to bestow a kiss onto those soft lips. Her hands settle on my lower back, rubbing in circles as she pulls me in closer. Her laughter made my heart speed up, seeing her so carefree after her issues a few years back, she's come such a long way. I pull back from the kiss and look her in the eyes once more "I, Minerva Mcgonagall love you, Hermione Granger with all my heart" I pronounce.
"And I Hermione Granger, love you, Headmistress Minerva Mcgonagall with my whole soul" she returns. We smiled at one another and then made love for the first time in a field of heather, in the middle of Scotland.
The memory fades into blackness as I once again return to reality. How did I let it come to this? I leave the room to grab a few things from the kitchen to assist me in removing the glass from her feet, when I hear a scream from the bedroom. I rush back in and Hermione is thrashing around, calling out "No, get off me" fighting off some invisible foe from her nightmare. I walk over to the bed and lay beside her, pull her into my arms, try to soothe her back to sleep "shh love, I've got you" I say over and over as she fights against me. Eventually her fists stop beating on my chest, and her breathing evens out once more. I lie with her, crying, ashamed of what I've caused.
"Trixie!" I call out croakily.
She pops into the room. "Would you go and see if Poppy is available"
"At once, Mistress" she agrees and leaves the flat.
Hermione takes that moment to curl into me, her head settling on my lap. I run my fingers through her hair, trying to provide as much comfort as I can.
About 10 minutes later Poppy walks through the bedroom door, medical bag in hand.
"Trixie said I was needed urgently to attend to Miss Granger" she announces.
"It's Hermione, Poppy. She hasn't been your student for 5years" I remind gently.
"Right, old habits, sorry. So what's the problem?" She asks getting straight to the point.
"She has shards of glass in the bottom of her feet, she has been gouging at her arm again" I sigh "along with being back on the alcohol" I finish quietly.
Poppy's head rises as I finish, looking me in the eyes. "What happened to cause the relapse?" She begins examining Hermione's feet, picking out the glass shards and healing the wounds afterwards. Poppy was the one who took over Hermione's care once I had managed to talk her down from the ledge. The three of us would meet once a week to discuss their progress, but Poppy and Hermione met daily to talk through her problems. They did talking therapy, reviewing each harrowing memory in the pensive Albus left to me, worked out a potion regimen that would help Hermione through the worst of it. I owe Poppy everything. She brought Hermione back to a semblance of her bright earlier years, got her sober.
Poppy raises her eyes to meet mine, an eyebrow raised in question.
"I've finished with her feet, I'm going to take a look at her arm now. I need an answer Min, I need to know if I need to resume our counselling sessions"
Shame seeps through me. "We had a disagreement and she threw me out" I confess.
"That must have been some disagreement, Minerva. What did you do?" She grumbles disappointed.
"You know she went to Australia to see her parents" I see a nod from Poppy as she continues to examine the scar on Hermione's arm.
"Well I went to the Ministry to meet her, when she got back, except I stopped by Ronalds office on my way to the international travel office" I pause. This moment has played over and over in my mind since it happened. I still can't reconcile what Ronald did.
"What did you do that for?" She huffs. "It's not like any of us have stayed in contact with Mr Weasley". She is now cleaning the blood from around the scar.
"His office door was open a bit, and I got curious as to what he could be doing in there on a Saturday. And well, he was, erm, he was on his knees removing the knickers, of who I thought at the time was Hermione, getting ready to have sex with her" I finish in a rush.
Poppy finishes wrapping Hermione's arm in a bandage.
"Hermione and Mr Weasley? Really Minerva, Hermione wouldn't do that."
I look down in shame. Even Poppy knew it couldn't have been Hermione.
"You didn't? Tell me you did not accuse her of doing that?" She says, absolutely flabbergasted.
"Yes I did believe it was her. My heart broke, I couldn't think straight, I came back here, raging, packed my things and was just about to leave when she came home" I whisper looking down at Hermione's face. "We had it out, she even had Trixie bring Ronald here to explain himself. Once he confessed that he'd paid someone to drink polyjuice so that he could fuck her, she threw him out and then asked me to leave and told me not to come back. That was three days ago" I admit, ashamed.
"Three days! Three days and you didn't think to tell me, or to check in with her? What on earth has gotten into you?" Poppy fumes at me.
"I had Trixie monitoring her" I try to explain but it's no excuse. I knew Hermione had had a drink problem. That she was prone to bouts of depression. The fact she hadn't touched a drink in three years shouldn't have come into it. "I'm sorry Poppy. I shouldn't have left, I should have done more" I admit.
"It's not me you should be apologising to. But yes you shouldn't have left, yes you should have done more. Honestly Minerva I'm really quite cross with you" she finishes shaking her head. She rises from the bed and casts a quick diagnostic charm over Hermione. Her brow creases and she focuses her scans on a particular area. "Her liver, it's on the verge of shutting down. Just how much did she drink?" She asks rhetorically. "I don't have the potion with me that she needs. I can brew it. But it's going to take time. I don't think I should leave you with her in case she wakes and does something to you or herself that may cause harm, so if it's ok with you I'll set up my cauldron in your kitchen?"
"Of course, Poppy, whatever you need." I confirm. I watch as she leaves the room.
I relax slightly on the bed, and close my eyes. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have doubted her. I sigh and pull her towards me and let the tiring day wash over me and fall asleep.