Third Season Chapter 2, a harry potter fanfic

I can't believe I'm doing another chapter, but I can't study for math until I finish this…

Disclaimer: I still don't own much, let alone these characters. Do I look that creative to you? Unless stated otherwise, the songs used in this chapter belong to Harry and The Potters. It's a real band!

Maybe I should list the finalists for the Death Eater Idol so we don't get confused… let's see there's David Suzuki, Snape, swearing Elvis, Oprah, Arnold and a robot named Gibson. There you go.

Chapter Two

"So what are we going to do about this?" Remus demanded at the next Order meeting.

"About what?" Dumbledore replied politely.

"About what? How about Voldemort's new and catchy way of recruiting allies? How are we going to stop him?"

"I don't see why we need to do anything; it's just a harmless talent search." Snape said.

"Of course, you would say that, since you're in position to win." Moody snapped.

"I'm not! I'll never win while that Oprah is around. You should hear Voldemort," Snape whined and then mimicked, "'oh Oprah, you're my hero. I love you so much, let me get you a coffee, let me lick your boots. Oprah, Oprah, Oprah.' I'm so sick of it. Why do you think I turned spy again?"

Just then Dumbledore cut in, "Shut up everyone, I've had an idea."

Everyone fell silent and turned to look at their leader.

"What do the Muggles do when there's a big problem?" Dumbledore questioned. No one answered for a moment.

"Call the police" Harry said.

"NO! They hold a benefit concert."

"Uh, no they don't."

"Yes they do! I've seen. There's a hurricane, there's a concert. Someone blows something up, there's a concert. People get sick; guess what, there's a concert. It happens all the time."

"So you think we should hold a concert?" Remus said, not believing what he was hearing.

"Yes! We'll get some celebrities and sing some songs and then Voldemort will be no more!"

"Oh how stupid we have been," Remus quipped, "if only we'd thought of this years ago then the world would be rid of Voldemort."

"Exactly"

"I was being sarcastic."

"Why are you so bitter Remus?"

"Why aren't you more bitter?"

"When you two are finished, we have a concert to plan." Moody interjected.

"Ah yes," Dumbledore said, smoothing his beard, "we must not forget the task at hand."

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"Alright, who've we got so far?" Dumbledore asked Mr. Weasley, who was in charge of recruiting entertainment.

"Uh, well, we've got Dumbledore's Army, the remaining members, that is. And then there's Stubby Boardman. He was quite willing to help after that whole thing in the Quibbler about him being Sirius Black and I explained that Sirius was innocent and he agreed. The Hogwarts house elves are putting something together and of course we'll be doing something…"

"What do you mean 'we'?" Remus shot. "I'm not performing in your stupid little concert."

"But everyone in the Order is doing something."

"Not me!"

"Fine, we'll take you off the list. And that's about it for music," Arthur continued, "Hagrid said he'd like to do something, he didn't really say, but it has something to do with an animal of some sort. Then the Order Spies said they'd put something together, Fred and George are putting on some sort of entertainment and I got a maybe from Ludo Bagman, though I don't really know what he's planning. And I told a couple of kids I caught rigging a toilet to regurgitate that I would let them off if they did something, so they'll probably put on a bit of an act."

"Good, good,"

"Then there was that Muggle teenager I met at a bus stop who asked me where I got my 'sweet dope' when I asked him to help, so I think that might mean he will."

"Ah, this will be one fantastic concert, I can feel it."

Remus groaned.

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Later that week, in the Death Eater Idol mansion, the idol hopefuls were lounging around, watching TV.

"Elvis, I was watching dat!" Arnold screamed as the swearing Elvis changed the channel.

"Shut up you censoredcensoredcensored there's a benefit concert on this channel that me and the others really want to watch."

Arnold crossed his arms and sulked. "Fine"

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Meanwhile, backstage in the hall that the Order had rented, there was utter chaos. It was only a few minutes to show time and no one seemed to be ready.

"Where's the host!" Sirius screamed. He had been made stage manager since he couldn't go on camera, but still wanted to help.

"Host, host…" Mr. Weasley flipped through his lists. He had booked a host, he knew it. "Oh," he said finally, "we, uh, don't have one."

Dumbledore began to swear, screaming words that would make a trucker pirate blush. "Arthur, why are you so stupid! Who will we get to do it?"

The hall went silent. All eyes were on Remus.

"Oh no! NO, NO, NO, NO! I'm not being part of your stupid little show."

"Come on Moony, we need you!" Sirius pleaded.

"Not happening!"

"Yes, happening!" Snape said and shoved Remus through the curtains and onto the stage as the cameras came on.

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"Oooh it's starting!" Elvis squealed and everyone in the room quieted.

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Remus was still trying to get back behind the curtain when Dumbledore came over.

"Remus, I wish you wouldn't make me do this. Imperio!"

The werewolf's eyes glazed over and he turned around to look at the camera again. "Welcome to the stopping Voldemort in his Tracks with Music Benefit Concert." He said mechanically.

"We should have gotten a better name." Sirius whispered.

"Shut up"

"There is nothing like the magic of music to solve the darkest problems." Remus continued, but the Imperius curse was starting to wear off on him, "what am I saying?"

But before he could do any more damage, Sirius grabbed him from behind the curtain and dragged him off the stage. Dumbledore, Harry and Snape trooped on stage with a house elf bearing a guitar. The elf started playing and the three wizards plunged into their opening song.

Dumbledore: "We're rocking at Hogwarts…"

Snape and Harry: "oooohh"

Dumbledore: "Rocking the room of requirement

We're rocking at Hogwarts"

Snape and Harry: "oooooo"

Dumbledore: "And there's no one that can stop the wizard"

The small studio audience went wild and the performers bowed before exiting. Remus was thrust back on stage.

"That song was so stupid! It doesn't make sense and we're not even at Hogwarts!"

"Just tell them Stan is on next and get off the stage!" Sirius replied.

"Next is Stan Shunpike." Remus said grudgingly and hurried away.

Alone on the stage, Stan began to sing, bobbing up and down out of synch with the music.

"Oh the bus don't go to Hogwarts,

You gotsta take the train

The bus don't go to Hogwarts

You gotsta take the train

And we'll take the train

From platform 9 ¾

And we'll take the train

From platform 9 ¾

Cuz the bus don't go to Hogwarts

You gotsta take the train

The bus don't go to Hogwarts

You gotsta take the train

And we'll take the train

From platform 9 ¾

And we'll take the train

From platform 9 ¾

Ooh yeah."

After some rather unenthusiastic applause, Stan clomped off the stage. This time Remus didn't make it out from behind the curtains.

"The train doesn't go to Hogwarts either!" he was yelling "It goes to Hogsmeade just like the bus! Who's coming up with this crap?"

"I think it's time for a commercial break." Moody muttered to Sirius.

"I think so too."

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"Do we have to watch this; my show is coming on now." David asked.

"Yes we have to watch this. No one wants to watch your show, it's boring." Oprah snapped.

"I. Find. It. Enter-taining." Gibson the robot cut in.

"Do we need to dismantle you again?" Elvis threatened the robot.

"What. Are. You . Doing. With. That. Screwdriver. Dave?" Gibson asked.

"I'm putting new batteries in the remote control…" David said, sticking the screwdriver into the remote and popping off the battery cover.

"Shhhhhh! It's back on!"

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"Remus just read what's on the cards. Okay?" Dumbledore said, starting to get frustrated with their reluctant host.

"Fine." Remus gave in, snatching the cards and trooping back onstage. "Next we have Hagrid and the 'superdragons'. What? What are 'superdragons'?"

"Just let him get on with it." Snape hissed and Remus left the stage once more.

Hagrid, in his best suit, had three small dragons on leashes with him.

"Hullo," he said, trying his best not to sound nervous, "I, uh, got us 'ere some dragons, an' now they're gonna do some tricks. Righ'"

He let the dragons off their leases one by one and they waited patiently at the foot of the stage while Hagrid set out the obstacle course for them.

"Come on Nellie," Hagrid called and one of the dragons trotted over and sat down at Hagrid's foot just like a well-trained dog. Hagrid began to walk and the dragon went too, over the hurdles, through the hoop and wove between the pegs. After that, it went through a large tunnel and jumped over a rather high wall. Then the other dragons followed, each trying to outdo each other. Soon, the dragons grew angry at each other and started breathing fire in all directions.

"Stop! Stop!" Hagrid yelled as the dragons began to fight each other. A couple of wizards from the audience leapt forward and helped Hagrid subdue the dragons. Once the dragons were calmed down, they left the stage.

"Tha' wasn't very good was it?" Hagrid asked.

"No, no, it was great!"

"Dumbledore's army is up next!" Sirius called and Harry, Ron, Hermione, Luna, Ginny and Neville came together at the edge of the curtain.

"That's it? I thought there were more of you." Mr. Weasley said.

"No, everyone else quit."

"Most pathetic army I've ever seen." Snape commented.

"You're just jealous because you don't have an army." Dumbledore retorted.

"Am not! Especially if said army consists of two somewhat incompetent Weasleys, a know-it-all, a space cadet, a kid who could cause a catastrophe by picking his nose and a kid with a scar."

"Be that as it may, they're on next."

"And we don't need to be introduced." Harry added, to which Remus sighed.

"Arrogant little-,"

But before Snape could finish, the music had started and the members of the DA were on stage.

"Ready?"

(All together)

"My teacher is a werewolf

He's liable to bite someone in class

That would be so bad-,"

"What are you doing?" Remus yelled, storming on stage, then realizing what he was doing, "uh, not that I'm a werewolf or anything… they're talking about some other teacher I think. Snape perhaps…"

"That wasn't what we were supposed to sing." Ginny said, "Someone gave the tech guy the wrong music."

All eyes were on Neville.

"Sorry" he said.

"Like I was saying, by picking his nose…" Snape commented from backstage.

"We're just going to start over."

New music started and the small group began to sing again:

"Well I got these kids together

And it's gonna be so great

We're going down to Hogsmeade

To plan to educate ourselves

Let's stick it Deloris

We'll do it for ourselves

I don't care what the ministry tells us

We won't be left defenceless

I don't care what the ministry tells us

We won't be left defenceless

I don't care what the ministry tells us

We won't be left defenceless

We're in command

We're taking a stand

We're gonna learn this year

We're gonna get ready

We've got to prepare

To face our biggest fears

We're gonna learn to fight, to battle

We'll stand up for what is right

And when we face down those death eaters

We'll stand up and we'll say

We're Dumbledore's army

Now take out your wand s and tell us

That we're not serious

We've got our acts together

And we're ready for the worst

Now Voldemort is back

And we better face the facts

If you're not going to teach us to fight

Then the future won't be very bright

I don't care what the ministry tells us

I don't care what Umbridge says

I don't care what the ministry tells us

I don't care what Umbridge says

I don't care what the ministry tells us

I don't care what Umbridge says

I don't care what the ministry tells us

I don't care what Umbridge says

Cuz we won't be left defenceless

We're in command

We're taking a stand

We're gonna learn this year

We're gonna get ready

We've got to prepare

To face our biggest fears

We're gonna learn to fight, to battle

We'll stand up for what is right

And when we face down those death eaters

We'll stand up and we'll say

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's

We're Dumbledore's army

We're Dumbledore's army"

The crowd cheered and the kids left the stage."

"It's time for another word from our sponsors." Sirius said.

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"What are you lot watching?" Voldemort asked, sitting down on the couch with his future minions.

"Benefit concert" Oprah said.

"Oooh, I love those," the Dark Lord squealed, "what's this one for?"

"The Order of the Phoenix, though we're not entirely sure why."

"What! They can't do that! If this goes on any longer people will be on their side and we'll lose all our viewership."

"It. Is. Starting. Again" Gibson cut him off mechanically.

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"Uh, guys, we just got a call from the Legion; they want us out of here in twenty minutes so they can start their bingo" Mr. Weasley called.

"What? They said we could have it for the night!" Dumbledore whined. Arthur just shrugged.

"We'll wrap it up now then," Sirius said and called for everyone to gather for the finale. Remus went out ahead of them, thankful it would be over.

"I am very, very happy to say that this nightmare will be over after this last song, feel free to leave early."

The music started and the group of wizards began to sing, not allowing Remus to leave the stage.

"We may have lost Sirius black

But we're not turning back

We will fight until we have won

And Voldemort is gone

And I'm gonna do whatever it takes

I don't care about what ever fate that prophecy says

No I'm not afraid

Because

There's one thing that I've got

One thing that you've got inside you too

One thing that we've got

And the one thing we've got is enough,

To save us all

Well we taught ourselves to fight

And now we know neither can live while the other survives

And I know that that means me

But I'm glad we've got our army

And we're gonna take down the dark lord's crew

The death eaters will all be running from me and you

And you and you and you and you and you and you and

There's one thing that I've got

One thing that you've got inside you too

One thing that we've got

And the one thing we've got is enough

To save us all

The weapon we have is love

Loooooove

The weapon we have is love

Loooooooooooooveeee

The weapon we have is love

Looooooovvvvvve

The weapon we have is love"

The music ended, and the studio audience began to applaud. Then Voldemort came crashing through the doors.

"Aha! Now I know what your weapon is!"

"It's not exactly a secret." Harry said.

"But now I know, fear me!"

Harry and the others just shrugged and began to clean up the hall for the Legionnaires. Most of the audience had already apparated away and they worked quickly to stack the chairs.

Voldemort, however, did not like to be ignored in such a way.

"Now I will kill you all!"

No one paid him any attention. Voldemort blasted a window with his wand.

"If you're done being dramatic Tom, you can help us stack these chairs." Dumbledore said calmly.

"That's it; we're settling this hobo style." Voldemort said.

"What?" Dumbledore replied, putting down his chair.

"Hobo style"

"But what does that mean?"

"I don't really know." The Dark Lord conceded.

"You are soooooo senile!" Dumbledore said, "Prepare to be pooned!"

"Pooned? As in spelled pwnd?"

"Yeah, you're going to be so pooned Tom."

"It's pronounced p'owned, and don't call me Tom."

"Pooned!"

"p'owned"

"But pooning noobs sounds better." Dumbledore explained.

"It's p'own"

"No, pooned, as in 'harpooned'" Dumbledore was starting to lose patience.

"Whatever, prepare to dance!"

"Dance? Why I didn't know you knew how to dance Tom"

"Well I didn't know that you didn't know that I know how to dance."

Dumbledore was about to respond when Neville felt a twitch in his nose. It was itchy. He had to do something, so he reached up and-

"No Neville, don't!" Snape screamed, "I'm too scary to die!"

But it was too late; Neville had inserted his finger into his nose. There was a loud bang and the auditorium was filled with screaming and thick black smoke.

Everyone was dead.

Half an hour later, the people from the Legion showed up, and they were not impressed by what they saw. Chairs were strewn everywhere mixed in with camera equipment and pieces of what had been the stage. All this was covered by thick, black soot from the explosion and one of the windows had been blasted to shards.

"We are never renting to those Order people again, got it?" the caretaker said, "now we will have to cancel bingo to clear up this mess."

"Five pounds says they don't even pay their bill. Let's leave this mess until tomorrow, that Eater Idol is on in fifteen minutes." The other janitor replied.

"That show is so weird."

"That's why I want to see it. Five pounds says that swearing Elvis guy wins."

"You need five pounds don't you?"