The original title of this was going to be Uzumaki (literally spiral in Japanese) until I remembered the Naruto connotation behind it. I still think this works.
I've been non-active artistic wise for a while, and so I was surprised when this just came to me. It sounds silly, but it ended up writing itself. In my head it was originally going to be Yuuko cursing Clow in her mind for his death, but the tone changed almost as soon as I began to write. So instead this is Yuuko reflecting on Clow and my take on their relationship, which like most of CLAMP's pairing are ambiguous in nature. What mainly got me started was the fact that Watanuki reminds me of how I believe Clow was when he was younger and had not "bloomed" so to speak. The spiral only came in when I got to the part about Yuuko's pipe and the smoke all around her.
This is basically introspective Yuuko pondering about Clow. I hope you enjoy it.
AA
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What was it again?
How many times have I had this thought about him that I can't seem to hold onto, hard as I try? How could I forget something like that? I'm not that old, am I?
This smoke reminds me of him… elusive, seductive and mysterious. Maybe I'm becoming a sentimental fool, but perhaps I use this thing so much because it reminds me of him. The old bugger wouldn't even smoke with me; just complained about how it'd turn off the women he saw if they smelled smoke on him and it would make him seem like a charlatan of some sort. Typical.
He probably never even met any women after I talked with him… He'd do something like that to show off. Egocentric as always. Why did I ever listen to him and let him mentor me when so many years later I'm sitting here alone reminding myself of his faults? Why…? Did I love him back then, or did I hate him? But love and hate is a very fine line, and I think we existed on the very edges of it.
I think the opium's gotten to me in some ways. I remember when he died, but nothing else. No feelings, sadness, anger, jealousy, or even mourning. It's a haze. I'm still in a haze, even if this one is not just in my mind. I guess I did grieve back then, if only in anger that he was gone. Losing a part of your life you've had for years is never easy and I doubt even he would have been an exception. It would make sense if I was devastated and blocked it out, I would do that when I was that young. And foolish. Especially when it comes to him. There still seems to be a hole that hasn't been patched even after all these years, and maybe never should be repaired by anyone. That is the nature of loss, and even after a wound heals a scar remains no matter how small or insignificant seeming the injury.
It makes me wonder what really brought this Watanuki Kimhiro to my door. There's his fate that's playing out, a butterfly that's maturing and beginning to use its wings, but how does he affect me? I think I've become the illusive mysterious one and Watanuki the frustrated apprentice who stays around despite all my eccentricities. Everything ends up full circle, Hitsuzen strikes even me.
So how did he feel back then before he died, I wonder? Did he see what I see occurring in Watanuki taking place inside of me? Is that why he put up with me back then despite all my insecurities? Hitsuzen may want me to understand him by seeing through his eyes and through Watanuki. The student becomes the teacher again and again. That is life. No, existence in itself.
I know Clow is laughing at me from wherever he is. I bet he knew this was going to happen. And one day I'll be where he is and smirking at Watanuki. I bet Watanuki will be cursing me from wherever he is when that happens.
The witch inhaled deeply, the smoke swirling around her sensuously. A small smirk crossed her face as she reached a hand out below one of the clouds coiling tails, swirling it delicately and watching as it slowly dispersed.
I guess that soon the spiral will make another turn.
Fin