Title: Kamikazes and Call Girls
Author: Wicked Game
Archive: FFnet, MediaMinerOrg, anyone else just ask.
Category: Humor
Rating: M or NC-17
Warnings: Call girls, foul language, lewd insinuations
Notes: Sixth fic in my Drunken Debauchery Series. Beta-ed by FantasyOrReality. This one is dedicated to everyone who wanted to see Wufei get revenge.
A Kamikaze is a shooter made of vodka, triple sec, and lime juice. One of the most popular shooters of all time, it is a regular order at any bar or club in any city in any country. So it was no surprise that this night it was the choice drink of four of the five Gundam pilots. The fifth one, Wufei Chang (or Chang Wufei if you can ever figure it out) had protested taking shots himself, telling his fellow pilots that he would be sticking to beer alone tonight.
"Non-alcoholic beer tastes horrid," Wufei leaned over and whispered to Sally as the other boys started an argument about the homosexuality of certain celebrities.
"Yes, it does. But Wufei, think about it: the drunker you act, the less they will suspect. And drinking the nasty stuff keeps your head clear for what's to come," Sally reminded him as she sipped a glass of white wine.
They were in Las Vegas, the city of sin. For four days now they had been on vacation here, drinking and generally having too much fun for their own good. Wufei was glad to be sober for at least one night. Well, on this night at any rate. He was going to finally get back at the other four for the Wucha Feing incident. Four bared asses with his named spelled wrong had ended up being an unspoken challenge that he could not resist taking. Sally was here as his accomplice.
"And then, andthenandthenandthen … he farted in his ballcap!" Duo shouted. He was laughing so hard he fell out of his chair. The other three were laughing uproariously, clutching their sides.
"Another round!" Trowa called out, and Wufei saw the woman roll her eyes.
"Did you reserve the extra rooms?" Sally asked, resting her head on Wufei's shoulder.
"Yes. They are reserved. They are going to be so fucked when they wake up in the morning," Wufei let himself snicker a little. Over behind them, Duo was doodling drunkenly on a napkin, Quatre was snoring on the table with drool coming out of his mouth, Trowa was humming with his eyes closed, and Heero was stroking Duo's braid, lost in thought (or maybe just lost?).
Sally and Wufei got up, Wufei trying his best to act very drunk. They managed to get outside and to the limo that would take them back to their hotel. Once inside, Sally put on her sweetest and most innocent face.
"Duo, hun, can I have your card key? I'm going to open the door for you and Heero," Sally smiled at the braided boy, and he gladly gave up his key. Trowa did the same, helpless to open the door with Quatre in his arms snoring as loudly as possible.
Soon, the two couples were passed out in their rooms. Wufei and Sally went to their own room and picked up the phone.
"Sexy Samantha's Call Girls, how may I service you?" a sweet and breathy voice answered the phone.
"Yes, I'm at the Valhalla Hotel and Casino here in Vegas. I was wondering if it would be possible to get four of your girls over here for the evening?" Wufei asked, trying hard to keep his face straight.
"Our girls do not usually do overnight stays, sir," the woman said sternly.
"This is not a call for sex. I specifically need four women to keep four men company only until the morning. How much will it cost?" Wufei inquired, knowing that Relena had liked his idea so much that she had decided to foot the bill for it.
"It is possible but the girls will have you sign a waiver beforehand, if that is to your satisfaction. The cost will be three hundred credits per girl," the operator told him.
"Done. Room 1645 at the Valhalla. How long will they be?" Wufei asked once more.
"An hour. Is there anything else I can help you with sir?" she inquired kindly.
"Can they come in pajamas?" Wufei smiled.
"If you need them to."
"Do it. One hour."
Wufei and Sally made quick and silent work of moving Duo to another room. It was hard to do it without Heero waking, but his inebriation made it all too possible. Wufei moved Quatre without much trouble, Trowa being a deep sleeper when he had been drinking.
The girls showed up a couple of minutes late, apologizing for their tardiness and all wearing trench coats.
Isis was as tanned as her namesake. Tall and willowy, with dark eyes and long black hair. She bore a look of total boredom.
Serenity looked like the girl next door, with honey toned hair that was slightly curled around her heart shaped face. Her eyes were blue, and her lips were shaped like a cupid's bow. She smiled gently at Sally and Wufei, and waited patiently to be told what to do.
Paris was tall, with straight blond hair and striking green eyes. She looked like she was constipated. At least, that was what Sally whispered to Wufei.
Erotica had raven black hair, porcelain skin, and ruby red lips. She not only looked disdainful, but she also looked almost haughty.
The four of them stood in front of Wufei and looked at him expectantly.
"Wufei Chang?" Paris asked.
"That would be me," Wufei nodded.
Four pieces of paper were shoved in his face. He looked them over and signed them. The four asked for their money, and he paid them accordingly. The quartet visibly relaxed at that point.
"This is what I need from you. I have four friends. They are in those four rooms across the hall," Wufei pointed, "They are all gay. Unfortunately, my friends all crossed the line at a birthday party of mine recently. Now, I need you for revenge. Each of you is going into a room, and you are going to sit in there until the assholes wake up. How you decided to greet them when they wake is your option, so long as they think they slept with you. That is all I ask of you," Wufei looked pointedly at each of the girls and they nodded.
Sally and Wufei led Isis to Trowa's room, Erotica to Duo's room, Serenity to Heero's room, and Paris to Quatre's room. With the doors safely closed, Wufei and Sally went back to their own room to sleep in shifts. It would be necessary should one of the pilots wake up in the middle of the night (even though it was about two in the morning by then).
Isn't it funny, the thing about morning? Things always sound just a little bit louder than usual. Wufei's door was knocked upon sharply, with a shouted, "Chang! Open the fucking door!"
"Heero's awake," Sally said nonchalantly. Wufei opened the door to a pink lipstick covered Heero Yuy, looking almost ready to kill. His hair was mussed, and his boxers were also covered in pink lipstick. Serenity stood behind him, looking satisfied and smug in a deep pink silk chemise.
"Yes?" Wufei asked, like nothing was wrong.
"Who. Is. That?" Heero ground out the question.
"How am I supposed to know? I don't think I care who you screw, but what about Duo?" Wufei asked. Heero clenched his fist. Serenity winked at Wufei and went to grab her things, her job done.
"Where. Is. He?" Heero asked. His question was answered as Duo's scream permeated the air, followed quickly by Quatre's. The two boys opened their doors and ran out into the hallway. Duo had ruby red lipstick all over his chest and face and a panicked look as he guarded his ass from a rapidly pursuing Erotica, garbed in red lace panties and a black tank top. They stopped in front of Wufei, and Erotica took another swipe at Duo's ass cheeks.
"You didn't tell me he was so gorgeous Mr. Chang," Erotica purred.
"It's not you, really. I'm terribly sorry, but I do have a boyfriend, and I am gay," Quatre was blabbering as he walked down the hall, trying to make a black silk clad Paris understand. When he faced the others, Paris waved and went back to the room, to fetch her own things and leave.
"Will that be all?" Erotica asked, leering at Duo, who was now hiding behind Heero, who was still staring death at Wufei.
"Thank you Erotica," Wufei nodded, and the girl went for her things. The three boys stared at Wufei, and then swiveled their heads around as the door directly across the hall opened with a shout. Isis was shoved out the door gently, wearing a white satin nightgown and carrying her things. Wufei nodded, and she went the way of the other girls. Trowa came out a moment later, wearing jeans and a murderous look. The four of them waited for Wufei to explain.
"This had better be good," Trowa said gravely.
"Can't take a joke?" Wufei asked harshly. All of a sudden, the door behind him opened so he could be rescued by Sally. The knocks on the door were deafening until Sally slid the key cards to their rooms under the door.
"Oh, God. Oh, I do not think I will ever forget the looks on their faces!" Wufei busted out laughing until he collapsed on the floor. Sally picked up the phone.
"Dorothy, can I speak with Relena?" Sally asked, and then waited, "Relena, good morning. Well, it's morning here so there. Oh yeah, it was a big success. I am sure they heard the screams across the hotel. Yes, we will send you a bill," Sally hung up the phone and turned back to Wufei, who was now laughing so hard he was crying.
"Can you breathe?" Sally asked, amused. Wufei only laughed louder.
And across the hall, a war council commenced.