A/N - Thank you so much for all the love so far! I am so appreciative and happy to be sharing my stories again. A few side notes- there is some smut in this story that goes out of my comfort zone or what I usually write (not this chapter sorry lol) but just putting that out there because I know it may not be for everyone. So yeah. Anyway moving onnnnn enjoy the next chapter. Don't forget to drop a review :)
Olivia woke up the following morning in a daze. Looking up at the ceiling, her mind was reeling. Was last night even real? Had she run into Elliot on the street, gone to dinner with him and then had him walk her home only to blow her mind against the wall of her apartment before he left? Was she really going to a Hockey Game with him on Wednesday? What was happening? Were they dating? Was that was this feeling was?
For so long she'd kept him at an arm's length, denied her feelings for him, told herself she could never have him. And yet…last night he had swept her off her feet. He'd showed her a side to him she didn't know existed. And now…now she wanted more. Sitting up slowly, she rested against the headboard, pulled her legs up against her chest and tried to breathe. She could feel him still, feel his kiss, feel his hands on her body and instantly she wanted him. But what was this?
Taking a deep breath she remembered one moment specifically…one moment that was going round and round in her mind.
"Tonight was about you Liv." He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, "I told you I can wait and I meant that."
She frowned and looked down at him, clearly seeing the strain still evident there, he wanted her, "But you don't have to. I told you I want-"
"I know." He kissed her cheek again and then her lips softly, "But I'm not rushing this Benson. I'm taking you out on Wednesday, I'm gonna pick you up at the door. I'm gonna bring you flowers. I'm going to hold doors open for you and show you how serious I am about this. That this isn't just some fling...a rebound...that I want you. Only you."
She pulled him closer, "Don't go…"
Elliot smiled and kissed her again, "I have to go Liv...okay?" She pouted softly and he smiled, "I gotta give you a reason to come back for more."
She pulled him closer still, "El…"
Leaning down, he caught her eyes and smiled, "I missed you like hell Benson. I'm not going to screw this one up. You're stuck with me now."
He said this wasn't a rebound, said this wasn't a fling. Said he wanted her. But could that be possible? Could Elliot Stabler truly want her? After all this time, could she have everything she wanted? Smiling nervously, she put her face down against her knees and tried to keep from squealing in excitement.
This was happening…it was really happening.
Elliot woke up and groaned. He'd spent the entire night dreaming about her, not that that was totally new…what was new was that he'd now kissed her. He'd touched her. He'd seen parts of her that he had never seen before. Walking away from her had been one of the hardest things he had ever done. Literally and figuratively…
Of course he wanted to drag her back to her bedroom and have his way with her. Sure he wanted to devour her, have her touch him in all the ways he'd dreamt about. He had never expected to go as far as they had last night, he hadn't expected any of it. But it happened and he was damn glad that it did. Sitting up slowly, he was vaguely aware of the raging hard on between his legs and he shifted anxiously.
God he wanted her. But he had to do this right…had to make sure she had no reason to doubt him. Make sure she had no reason to run…
But he smiled, thinking about one moment from last night. A moment that gave him hope.
"I'll uh...I'll be right back."
His eyes were wide and as she slipped out of the booth he couldn't stop himself when he reached out and grabbed her hand, "Will you?"
She looked first at his hand in hers, and then up to his eyes, she saw true fear there, "El?"
"Will you be right back or are you running?" He asked softly.
And then she understood. Just as he had hurt her with his words, she had hurt him with her actions. Leaving, running. That had broken his heart. She swallowed the lump in her throat, squeezed his hand and nodded, "Yes. I'll be right back El." She squeezed again and stepped back, "Not running. I promise."
Not running. He thought to himself. She said she wasn't running. Which meant she wanted this too. She'd wanted him to stay last night. He saw it on her face, heard it in her voice, felt it in the way her body reacted. She wanted this. She wanted this just as much as he did and damn did that feel good. He couldn't remember feeling this hopeful, this excited about the future and finally it felt like he could breathe.
It was happening. It was really happening.
Needing to spend a little more time in a cold shower than was usually necessary, Elliot found himself running late for work. He dashed into the lobby and crossed the hall, sticking his hand out to stop the elevator. "Hold it!" The doors slowly opened and he let out a little breath, "Thanks. I-" Looking up, he stopped short when he saw her.
Olivia.
She was staring back at him, surprised to see him clearly, and her cheeks flushed. He wondered if she'd been awake half the night like he had. "Hey El…"
Her voice was soft, low, nervous and somehow it felt good to know that she was feeling all those things too. Stepping into the elevator beside her he smiled, "Hey Liv…"
He saw her swallow hard and lean back against the wall behind her. Stepping in beside her, he clicked the button for his floor and was glad no one else was in the elevator with them. They stood in silence for a few minutes, as the bell for each floor dinged by. He wanted to say something, felt like he needed to say something but didn't know where to start. He was just about to break the silence and then the doors opened and another Officer they both had worked with before walked in.
"Stabler. Benson." He smiled and pressed the button for his floor, "You back at SVU Benson?"
Olivia shifted in place anxiously, "Oh, no. I'm still up in Computer Crimes."
The man smiled, "Oh. Well they're lucky to have you. Must miss this guy if you two came in together this morning…"
"We didn't." Olivia answered quickly, "We just…we both happened…we didn't come to work together. We weren't together."
He looked between them and laughed, Elliot was watching her, both amused and slightly nervous by her intense reaction and response. "Oh. Well…okay then." He pointed to the door as it opened again on his floor, "This is me. Have a great day."
As soon as he walked out of the elevator, Elliot turned to Olivia, "Liv…"
She cleared her throat and pointed at the door again, "I'm two up. So-"
Elliot sighed and reached out, pressing the button for one floor up, "Come with me."
Her eyes went wide and she went to protest but he was already pulling her out on the quiet floor and down the hallway so they could be alone. Once they turned the corner she looked at him nervously, "El I really think-"
He glanced around the corner, turned back to her and then pushed her back against the wall and kissed her softly. Memories from last night's encounter flooded both of their minds. She put her hand against his chest and pushed back slightly and he smiled, "Relax…I'm not about to repeat last night." He smirked and kissed her quickly again, "Although just so we're clear…I'd like too."
Taking a nervous breath she whispered, "We can't do this here…" Her cheeks flushed and she whispered as she looked down at his chest where her hands rested, "We…we maybe shouldn't have-"
"Don't do that." He begged, "Olivia, don't do that. Don't say you regret it. Don't push me away."
Biting down hard on her lip, she peeked out of the corner of her eye afraid they were being watched, "It's not that I regret it…I'm just worried."
He nodded slowly and leaned in closer to her, "I know. But…when you think about it, all the reasons we had before to fight this are gone."
Her heart started thudding harder in her chest, "Elliot…"
"The divorce will be final soon. And we aren't partners anymore…we can do this." When she didn't answer he frowned and worry prickled in his mind, "As long as it's what we both want…and to be clear I want this."
Leaning her head back against the wall she whispered, "I do too…"
Elliot smiled and let out a shaky breath, "Good. That's good. Really good."
He leaned back in to kiss her again and she pushed him back, "I still think we need to be careful…around here. Okay?"
He sighed and nodded, knowing she was right but hating it, "Okay…okay. You're right. For right now we should probably cool it here. Although…" He groaned, chewed on his bottom lip and looked her up and down, "It is definitely not easy…in fact it's really, really hard."
She laughed but felt the flood of desire course through her body, "You sat across from me for years and were able to handle yourself…so you'll live."
Elliot rolled his eyes, "Trust me…I didn't handle it as well as you think I did."
She blushed and pushed him away, "El…don't."
He saw the nervous energy fill her again and he wanted to push the subject but he knew this probably wasn't the time. He knew what she was probably thinking, or who she was thinking about. Kathy. He understood it, but he needed her to understand it was over. But putting himself in her shoes, he probably would feel similar things. He made a mental note to talk to her about it again soon, maybe not on their date, he wanted the evening to be fun and light. But soon, they'd have to have a real conversation about it.
"Okay." He nodded slowly and pulled away, "Okay…we should probably head back anyway. I'm already late and Cragen's ready to kill me as it is." She didn't move and he smiled, "Do you want me to go first so we aren't seen together?"
She sighed and squeezed his arm, "It's not that I don't want to be seen with you…"
"I know." He said leaning in to kiss her cheek, "I know. Okay? We'll talk on Wednesday."
Her heart jumped in her chest and she smiled, "Wednesday…right. Wednesday."
He smiled, "We're still doing this…I'm picking you up. The flowers, the door holding, all of it."
Her heart thumped even harder and she felt her hands shaking, "El…"
"Don't go into some bullshit about not needing all that. Because…you deserve it. So it's happening. Don't fight me." He teased, she just smiled and he went to walk away, "Alright, I'll see you later."
She was watching him walk away when a thought occurred to her, "Wait!"
Elliot stopped short, spun on his heel and walked towards her, "What?"
"I…" Her cheeks flushed and she pressed a hand in her belly, "What am I supposed to wear to a Hockey game?"
He slowed down as he got closer to her and smiled, "What?"
She huffed and shrugged, "I've never been to a hockey game okay? What am I supposed to wear?"
He watched her, saw her hands shaking, her cheeks flushed, her eyes wide, "Is Olivia Benson nervous?" She didn't respond, only swallowed the lump in her throat, "Am I making you nervous?"
She stepped back and frowned, she answered but her voice was low and he knew she was lying, "No…"
Stepping up to her she was against the wall again, "Liv, it's just me."
She huffed and pressed her hands into the wall behind her, "Just you? El…I've known you for years. Yes we've spent a lot of time together. But this? This is new…my partner Elliot Stabler never would have pinned me against the wall and-and-"
"And what?" He teased leaning in, nuzzling the side of her neck, "What did I do to you Benson?"
She inhaled sharply and moved her hands, her fingers dug into his arms, "El…this is just all new and I'm trying…it just happened so fast." He moved away and gave her a look and she laughed, "Okay yes maybe it's always been there…but it's new. And it's a lot. Okay? I'm trying…"
Watching her, he saw the nervousness on her face, saw the sincerity there. And deep down he knew she was right. He had jumped into this ready no matter the consequences. He'd been miserable without her. And maybe she was too but it was still a big change. Especially for her. Olivia had been alone most of her life, never had anyone to trust or believe. He was asking her to jump, to take a leap of faith and trust him when he said he wanted her completely. He was going to have to take this slowly, prove to her that everything he said was the truth and that he wasn't going anywhere. He knew what the outcome would be otherwise. She'd run. It was the only thing she knew how to do in order to protect herself.
Taking a deep breath, he curled her hair behind her ear and smiled, "Okay. I hear you…and I know you're trying. You're right. I don't think either of us were anticipating last night…" She shook her head slowly, "But just so we're clear…I may not have anticipated it but I wanted it. I've wanted it for a long time." He saw her cheeks flush but she smiled, "Okay?"
She nodded slowly, her eyes blinking slowly, "Okay…"
"Okay. Well what to wear. Something comfortable, casual. Jeans? A sweater or something." He said with a shrug, "Whatever you are wearing you'll look gorgeous of course."
She rolled her eyes, "El, I'm serious. Am I supposed to wear a team jersey? I only have a Yankees shirt but that's not going to work."
He shrugged, "You don't have too. I mean I have a few jerseys so I'll probably wear one. But just wear whatever makes you comfortable, okay? It doesn't matter." She still stared at him worriedly and he smiled, "Just do me a favor, try and relax? I promise it will be fun."
Biting her lip she nodded, "Okay…"
Stepping back he asked softly, "Okay…we good?"
Smiling softly she whispered, "We're good…"
"Good." He gave her a little wink, "See ya later Benson."
She watched him climb into the elevator, saw him give her one more smile that made her weak in the knees and then he was gone. She groaned and rested her head on the wall behind her, "You are so fucking screwed Benson…"
Work had been long, she was tired and missing her old team, her friends who were more like her family. It wasn't that she hated Computer Crimes. In the beginning it was kind of nice to have a break from the tragedy, the victims. Sure she saw brutal cases, but she didn't have to get too close. Today though she'd argued with her partner, argued with her superior and was told multiple times she wasn't at SVU anymore and should watch herself. It felt like starting at the bottom again, having to prove herself in a workplace that was dominated by men. She felt like the lone wolf and unlike at SVU when she started, she didn't have anyone to stand beside her, to watch her back like she had with Elliot, John and Fin.
Riding the elevator up her mind wandered to the night before, riding the elevator with Elliot. All those feelings, all the confusion, the pent up emotions of years hiding their wants and desires. Some of it was a blur but she had zero regrets. She could never regret Elliot. Today he'd seemed so sure, so confident that this was happening, that this was all going to be easy. But it was hard, all of it was hard. He seemed to have heard her though when she voiced her concerns. This was all new, especially being this kind of vulnerable in front of him. She'd spent their entire partnership trying to prove her strength that to put her walls all the way down was terrifying. Especially when she knew that he held her heart, her future and her happiness in his hands. He had no idea the full hold he had on her. No idea that with one wrong move or one moment where he changed his mind he would utterly destroy her.
Sighing, she walked into the hallway and wished she was still working with him. She missed him. She missed it all. Was it going to be worth it in the end? She was looking down as she walked to her door, rummaging for her keys in her bag. Taking one more step, her foot hit something in front of her door. She paused, looked down and frowned when she saw a package on the floor. Leaning down, she realized there was no address on it meaning it hadn't been mailed, and if it had it would have gone through the mail room downstairs. But her name was scrawled across the front and her heart flipped in her chest when she realized whose handwriting it was.
Elliot.
Pushing the door open, she locked it behind her and walked into the kitchen. Flipping on the lights, her hands shook when she rested it on the counter. She couldn't imagine what he was giving her and clearly he had been here. She had stayed later at work than she expected which meant he had come by on his way home. He said he had a new apartment and she wondered where it was, how close was he to her now? Pulling at the paper, she slowly unwrapped the box and lifted the top off. There was a note on top and she lifted it to read it.
Liv,
I know you were nervous about what to wear. I thought this would come in handy for Wednesday. It's my favorite Ranger's jersey but I think it will look much better on you. Can't wait to see you.
-El
Pushing aside the tissue paper she felt tears burning in her eyes. She'd seen him wear this jersey before when he was taking Dickie to games and had to leave from work. He'd told her how important it was to him. And he was giving it to her. He was letting her wear it, wanted her to wear it. Pulling it out of the box, she held it against her chest, breathed in. It smelled like him and she sighed. "This is happening…" She whispered and then laughed, "It's actually happening…"
Suddenly her bad day began to melt away and she couldn't wait for tomorrow night. This was going to be good…
The following evening, Elliot pulled up in front of her building and stared up at her window. He saw the light on, a good sign. She was home. He wouldn't deny the fact that he'd spent most of today worrying she was going to call and cancel. Glancing at the clock it was 6:25. He didn't want to show up too early, but also didn't want to be too late. He laughed to himself. He had been a kid last time he had to worry about picking a girl up for a date. It had been a hell of a long time since he felt anxious, felt those butterflies, felt excited about a date.
He cared about Kathy, always would and he enjoyed his time with her. But this, this was different. Olivia made him feel things he didn't think were possible. She made him think bigger, want to be better, want to explore more of his wants and needs. He'd been the husband, the father, done what he was supposed to do. He would always be a Father, always put them first. But he was ready, ready to allow himself to explore the things he wanted most. And what he wanted most…was Olivia.
Taking a deep breath, he reached for the flowers on the seat beside him and then made the trek up to her.
Up in her apartment, Olivia was standing in her bedroom staring at herself in the mirror. Elliot's jersey was huge on her, she felt like she was swimming in it. And yet, it felt right. She wore a warm long sleeve shirt underneath. She had on her favorite pair of jeans that hugged her in all the right places. A pair of cozy boots to match. She fluffed her hair, checked her make up one more time and then tried to breathe.
She wondered how many dates she'd gotten ready for in her life. Maybe she didn't want to know the number. What she did know was that she could count on one hand the number of times she felt excited, giddy, nervous, hopeful. But this one? This topped them all. This overwhelming feeling of attraction, excitement, nervousness. She'd wanted to know what this was like, what it would be like to date Elliot. She just never thought she'd have the chance. And yet…here she was.
As soon as she heard the knock on the door, her stomach flipped. Glancing at the clock she saw that it was 6:32. She couldn't help but smile, he clearly was trying to not be right on time but not late either. Checking herself in the mirror again, she reminded herself to breathe and then slowly walked to the door. She fluffed her hair once more, then reached for the doorknob, opening it. Her heart squeezed in her chest when she saw him, dressed in a pair of jeans, comfortable shoes and another Ranger's jersey. He had forgone shaving, had a little stubble on his face and that grin that both infuriated her and excited her. And in his hands, he held a bouquet of flowers just as he had promised.
Squeezing the door frame beside her she whispered, "Hey…"
Smiling, he held out the flowers and said, "Hey back." He nodded towards the bouquet in his hand, "These are for you."
"They're beautiful." She responded, pulling them closer to her, "Thank you." She stepped back, "Come in for a sec?"
He nodded slowly and stepped into the apartment with her. They both froze for a moment, their eyes darting over to the wall where he'd had her pinned just two nights before. She caught his gaze, felt the blush grow in her cheeks and then walked towards the kitchen, searching for a vase to put the flowers in. She felt him watching her as she moved about and she could hear her heart pounding. She tried to remind herself to breathe, that even with the changes, it was still Elliot and she knew him, trusted him more than anyone. When the vase was settled on the counter, she turned back to him and slowly walked back towards the door where he was waiting. "Thank you."
"No thanks needed." He shrugged, "You deserve it."
Taking a deep breath, she reached for her coat and bag and nodded towards the door, "Ready?"
Elliot nodded and stepped out into the hall, letting her lock up before they walked together towards the elevator. They both reached for the floor button at the same time and their hands touched, sparks igniting immediately. She stepped back and frowned, "Sorry."
He shook his head, "No, sorry. Your apartment. I should have let you…"
Pushing past him, she pressed the button and felt the elevator begin to lower. She looked at him, saw him shifting anxiously, saw the blush in his cheeks and she smiled thinking about what he had said earlier. "Is Elliot Stabler nervous?" He looked at her quickly and she raised an eyebrow challengingly at him, "Am I making you nervous?"
He let his eyes roam over her, taking her in and he sighed, "No…"
Stepping closer to him, he stepped back until his back pressed against the wall, "El, it's just me."
Chewing on his lip he frowned and whispered, "Like you said…we've known each other for a long time. It's just…different."
Sliding her hand up his chest she nodded, looking into his eyes as the door opened, "You're right. It is." Leaning up she kissed him softly, "But I'm learning different doesn't have to be bad."
Squeezing her hips he smiled, "You're right. It doesn't."
She kissed him again once more, then pulled back, tugging him by his jersey, "Come on. We have a game to catch."
He sighed happily and smiled as she pulled them away, never taking her eyes off of him.
Forty-five minutes later, they settled in their seats in the front row behind the glass. Olivia looked at him surprised, he just smirked and shrugged his shoulders, "Wanted to give you the full experience Benson."
She smiled and settled in beside him, "Well aren't you full of surprises Stabler?"
He gave her a wink and handed her her beer, "Hopefully I can keep surprising you."
She took the cup and lifted it to her lips, "Oh you've been surprising me a lot in the last few days. I mean you always do…but definitely the last few days you've surprised me a lot more."
Elliot chuckled and shrugged, "Like I said, I'm finally just going after the things I want. Tired of waiting."
Looking down, her finger traced the edge of her cup and she smiled, "This is real, right?"
He watched her, saw the hesitance on her face, the feelings that showed him she had wanted this just as long as he had, "It's very real Liv. It's always been real."
When she looked back up, he moved his arm to wrap around her, pulling her closer. She settled in beside him and let those butterflies take flight. It had been a long time since she felt like this, a long time since she'd been this excited. His hand trailed down her arm, his fingers dancing along her biceps. "I was right too…"
Glancing up at him she frowned, "Right about what?"
He looked down at her again, "The jersey looks better on you."
She smiled and pulled at the material, "It's a little big but I like it." She rested her head on the back of his arm and whispered, "Thanks for letting me wear it. I know it means a lot to you."
He nodded slowly, he wanted to make sure that she heard his next words clearly, "It does. But…so do you."
Her cheeks flushed and she whispered, "El…"
Reaching out slowly, he touched her cheek affectionately, "You mean the world to me Liv…"
Her heart thumped wildly in her chest and she couldn't help the little gasp that escaped her lips, "I don't know what to-"
"You don't have to say or do anything." He leaned in and kissed her, "Just wanted to make sure you knew that."
The volume in the stadium grew as the players took the ice but neither of them could look away from one another. He was telling her he was in. Completely and totally in and the thought both terrified and excited her. He was right, this, this was very real. They were still staring at each other, feeling wrapped up in the moment when two players slammed against the glass, breaking the spell. They both jumped and Elliot spilled part of his beer, "Shit…"
She laughed and watched him try and mop up the mess, "Forgot where we were for a second, huh?"
He looked up at her and laughed, "Liv…"
She leaned in and whispered, "Need help with that?"
He caught her hand just before it moved to clean up the beer in his lap, "Hell no."
She laughed harder and pulled her hand away, "Afraid of me?"
"Terrified." He said, shooting her a look, "You have no idea the power you hold Benson. No idea whatsoever."
She nodded slowly, "Huh…good to know."
He huffed and looked at her again, "I just totally screwed myself didn't I?"
She shrugged innocently and took another sip of her beer, "I guess you'll just have to wait and see, won't you?"
When she gave him a wink he laughed and knew that he indeed was in big trouble tonight. He'd told himself he had to be patient, had to be a gentleman to prove to her that he was serious, that he wasn't just in this for sex. But looking at her in his shirt did something to him. She did something to him, always had. And it was getting harder to deny her. Especially after the other night. When he saw her already getting into the game though, a smile on her face as she turned back to him he knew he couldn't screw this up. She was his future and he was determined to make sure that she knew exactly what she was worth. In the meantime, he'd just have to hold it together.
The game was passing in a blur but she was having the time of her life. The cheering and excitement of the crows was contagious. She felt the speed of the skaters, the determination and force. It was electrifying. They'd shared another beer and pizza and she wished she could tell him that so far, it had been the best night of her life. But she didn't want to seem too desperate, too clingy and so she fell into that comfortable role of Elliot's partner.
As the Rangers scored another goal, they both jumped up and cheered with the rest of the stadium. Elliot laughed as he watched her, loving seeing her so carefree and happy. They worked so hard and never had a break. The things they saw each day really took their toll. He knew that. He knew it better than most. But he had his kids to pull him out of those dark days, she was often on her own. He wanted her to let go, let loose and forget about all the dark moments and just live. During a break, the cameras started roaming as usual, catching couples off guard. Olivia wasn't paying attention but he was. And soon the camera settled on them. The people around them started cheering and Elliot smiled, waiting until she looked up. She looked confused and when she looked at him, her eyes went wide, "What?"
The people around them started cheering louder and he leaned in, "Liv…"
Her eyes darted to the screen above them and she gasped, "El…"
He turned her face towards him and slowly he kissed her, feeling her melt into his embrace, only to stiffen up immediately again. When he pulled away, the camera had moved on and she pulled back, her face falling slightly. He swallowed hard, confused by her reaction, "Liv-'
"I uh…I need to run to the bathroom." She took her almost empty cup and waited for the other person beside her to move so she could get out.
Elliot watched her walk away, and worry settled in his chest. She had said she wasn't running, but this, this felt like running. He waited a few moments, letting her get a head start. Then, he quickly stood up and followed her. He saw her walking towards the bathroom like she had mentioned, but he quickly sprinted after her. Placing himself between her and the line he reached for her hand, "What just happened?"
"Nothing." She stepped back and pointed to the line, "Do you mind?"
He took a deep breath and tugged her hand in the opposite direction, "Yes. I do. Now come with me."
She sighed and felt him tugging her towards the stairs, "Elliot, don't."
He shook his head and waited until they were alone, "Olivia, yes. I'm doing this."
She sighed and looked up at him, "We're having a nice time let's not-"
"A nice time?" He raised an eyebrow, "I thought we were having a great time until a few minutes ago and I want to know why." She didn't answer and he pushed her, "Did you not want me to kiss you? I mean it's not like we haven't-"
"I just don't think kissing on a public screen like that is smart." She mumbled.
He narrowed his eyes at her, "We're not at the precinct."
"No. But we're at a game, and that will be on TV. And people will see that." She said quickly.
Elliot shrugged "Liv, people at work are gonna find out."
"Honestly? I'm not really worried about them." She shifted again, and then looked at him, "I'm more worried about…" He stared at her, waiting for her to finish and she frowned, "El…what have you told your kids and Kathy?"
He sighed and leaned against the wall, "I haven't told them anything. This just started."
She nodded slowly, "Okay…well how do you think they would feel if they saw that on TV? Knowing you were here with me…kissing me…"
His heart dropped to his stomach and he was sure his face went pale and immediately he regretted it. He couldn't deny that what she was saying was worrying to him. Yes he was a free man. Yes the divorce was almost final. But deep down he knew that no matter what, Kathy wasn't going to be happy about this. She'd spent years worrying about his relationship with Olivia and now all her worries would become valid. While he could handle her, he was more concerned about his children or what she would say to them. He missed the hell out of them and he was trying everything he could to see them as often as possible. He didn't want to give Kathy leverage to deny him time with them or reasons to fill their heads with negative information. He'd never cheated, not physically. But he could never deny his connection with Olivia went much deeper than he ever would have anticipated and he knew that he had hurt Kathy whether he meant to or not.
His mind was reeling and he saw her smile sadly, "Yeah…that's what I thought."
She went to move away from him and he saw her eyes welling up with tears, "Liv, wait-"
"It's okay." She squeezed down on his hand, "I know how this works El. I've lived it for 7 years…"
His heart ached as he listened to her, "I never meant-"
"I know." She whispered, "You were married. And I got in the way. And for that I'm sorry." He looked torn and she sighed, "I'm gonna take a cab home and-"
She moved again but he pulled her further down the hallway, "No. You aren't leaving. I'm not letting you go."
She laughed and tugged on her hand, "How long have you known me? We both know I'll kick your ass if you try to stop me."
"Yes. You will." He said with a smile, "And that's just one of the things I love about you."
Her eyes went wide and she pressed her back against the wall behind her, "What?"
His heart started pounding harder and he knew that the only way to make her listen was to lay it all on the line, "You heard me." He saw her hands shake, saw them flatten against the wall, "I hear what you're saying. And sure…it's going to be awkward. But that's my problem to deal with. Not yours. And I'm not letting it be a reason for you to try and say that we can't do this. As of Friday I'll officially be divorced. Kathy has no say in who I choose to date."
She swallowed the lump in her throat, "She's going to hate me. She probably already does."
"Am I going to stand here and say that she hasn't always had her concerns? No. Again, that's on me. But you and I both know we never crossed any lines." He whispered.
"Not physically." She whispered back, "But El…" She sighed, "I tried…I really tried. I respected your marriage. I respect Kathy. I just…I need things to be okay between you two. Not for me, not for you. But for your kids."
He smiled softly and lifted his hand to touch her jaw gently, running his fingers along the slope of it and down her neck, "See? That's another thing I love about you." Her face flushed again and he smiled, "Always putting my family first."
She felt him leaning closer, felt the blood rush to her head, "I adore your kids. And they should always come first. No matter what does or doesn't happen between us."
"I appreciate you saying that. And they are my first priority. But you are a priority too. Let me worry about them…about Kathy. Let's just focus on us? Okay?" He asked hopefully.
One of her hands reached out and curved around his forearm, needing his strength, "I don't want to cause you anymore…problems. I don't want to be the reason you can't see your kids. I'll never forgive myself."
"My children are older now. They know that deep down, Kathy and I are better off apart. It's better for all of us. We're figuring it out. And they love you. It could be awkward for a bit but I'm not worried. I think they'll be okay with it once they get used to the idea." He said.
She sighed and rested her head on the wall, "I think there is part of me that will always feel guilty…just like I always did whenever she'd call."
He remembered the way she'd always disappear whenever Kathy called or showed up. He knew the signs of her anxiety towards his wife and he knew it was because she respected his marriage. Another reason he loved her. Taking a breath he shrugged, "Liv…Kathy and I were really young when we got married. I don't regret it because I got 4 kids out of it. Four kids who I can't live without. But…I couldn't stay in that marriage. Neither one of us were happy. We both deserve real love. And while it may be complicated for a bit…I know I found it and I'm not willing to let it go."
Her heart jumped in her chest again and she whispered, "Elliot…"
"I love you." He saw tears well up in her eyes again and he leaned in, kissing her softly on the lips, and then the nose, "I love you Olivia. Okay? I never planned on this but it happened and I want this. I want you. Let me worry about Kathy, the kids, all of that. Just tell me you want to be here with me. That's all you need to do right now."
She sighed and tilted her head to the side, "Who are you and what have you done to the rough and tough Elliot Stabler?"
Elliot laughed and pressed her further into the wall, "He's still there and he'll show up if and when he has to protect this relationship. But Olivia Benson has changed him. For the better and he just wants to make sure that you're not going anywhere."
Leaning her forehead against his she whispered, "I just don't ever want to be a complication. To be the thing that comes between you and your family."
"But you're part of my family." He whispered, "You have been for the last 7 years. Now we're just moving towards a more permanent position."
She squeezed her eyes shut, "Just promise me something?"
His hands danced along the back of her neck and he swayed them slightly, "Anything."
"Promise me that no matter what…your kids come first. That if we need to take a step back for them you will." She felt him tense and her eyes fluttered open, "I need them to accept this, and be okay with it. And deep down, so do you. I know you do El. I know you…"
She was right of course. His kids' approval and happiness had to come first. He could never fully be happy if they weren't all on board and he hated the idea of having to put this on the backburner. He'd do what she asked but only as long as she knew that his feelings weren't going to change, "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, okay?" She gave him a skeptical look, "I meant it when I said I love you, Olivia. So I'm determined to make this work…one way or another. You know I'm stubborn as all hell so I'm not giving up."
She smiled and tilted her head back to look at him, "Good to know." He leaned down and kissed her softly again, she sighed into his mouth and whispered, "El…"
He heard it, and he knew because of course he did. He knew her better than anyone. "I don't need you to say it back yet. I just need to know that you're still in. That you're still right here with me."
Wrapping her arms around his waist she leaned up on her tiptoes and smiled, "I'm still in El. I'm definitely still in."
He pressed his body into hers and kissed her, really kissed her. He felt her body melt into his, felt her knees go weak and he smiled, keeping his eyes open as hers fluttered shut. They stood locked in each other's embrace, getting lost in the feel of each other. Years of denying their feelings had taken a toll and he was ready, fully ready to tell the world he wanted this woman. Consequences be damned. He truly did believe that in time his kids would be okay with it. In fact, he thought Kathleen and Maureen would be okay with it from the start. The twins were just a bit younger and it may take some time…but he knew Kathy was dating again. He'd deal with his ex-wife. He'd been faithful. He'd done everything she asked him to do. Was his temper and frustration from work an issue? Yes. He knew he wasn't a saint. But he would be able to meet his maker someday and say that he never cheated, never strayed from his marriage even if his heart was somewhere else.
But come Friday he was a free man and he didn't have to hide anymore. He didn't have to put up with Kathy bad mouthing Olivia. It was time. It was truly time to close one door and open another and he'd be damned if he let anyone hurt this woman, even his ex. She was going to have to deal with it because now that he had Olivia, he wasn't about to let her go. No matter what.
They'd gone back to the game and he was glad that she was able to fall back into place beside him. Able to enjoy the game, flirt a little, kiss him in public. She wasn't pulling away and he knew how hard that was for her. Now they were back in the car and driving towards her apartment and he didn't want the night to end. But he also knew that he still had to do all of this right. He held her hand on the console between them and he thought of all the times they'd been on a stakeout when he wanted to reach out for her. He smiled to himself knowing that was then, and this was now. As much as he missed her partnership, this, this right here made it all worth it.
Putting the car in park, he looked up at the building and then back at her. She smiled nervously and leaned back against the chair, "Thanks for a real great night El."
He moved his hand from hers, only so he could tangle his hand in her hair, "You had a good time? Despite…"
Leaning forward she pressed her lips, "I had a great time." Another quick kiss, "Thank you."
He felt her pulling away and he whispered, "Can I walk you up?"
She smiled and nodded, "I was hoping you'd say that."
His smile grew and he nodded back, "Stay there." She gave him a look and he laughed, "Just humor me, would you please?" She laughed and watched as he climbed out of the car, walked around the front and then opened the door, reaching his hand out to her, "Now, was that so hard?"
She laughed again and let him pull her up out of the car, "Honestly? Yes."
He rolled his eyes and slipped his hand into hers, "God you're exhausting sometimes."
Nudging her shoulder against his she smirked, "Yes, but you knew this about me and still you asked me out…so that says more about you than it says about me."
He howled with laughter as they walked into the building and towards the elevator, "Yeah. It says I'm screwed."
Her smile only grew and she shrugged as they rode the elevator up to her floor just as they had done the other night. But this felt different. She felt different. He'd told her that he loved her. And despite the nervousness she felt earlier, she realized she didn't want to wait anymore. She just wanted to jump headfirst into whatever this was. She'd never felt this, and she knew she didn't want to lose it. Pulling him towards her apartment door she thought about what he would do next. She knew him. Knew that he'd be chivalrous, offer her a kiss but she was ready for more. She just had to prove to him that it was okay, that he didn't need to wait anymore. That they didn't need to wait. If he was in, she was in and now was the right time.
Slipping her key into the lock, she turned to him, "Come in and I'll change so you can have your jersey back."
He shook his head, "No rush. I can get it later. Or you can keep it…if we go to another game or something."
She smiled and pulled him into the apartment, "I'd like that…but I still think you should take it back. It's your favorite. And what if you go to a game with Dickie or your friends?"
He shrugged, "I have others."
"Yes. But it's not this one." She shut the door behind them, "Just give me a minute. I'll be right back." She saw him squirming and she laughed, "Then you can go if you insist."
He sighed heavily and shrugged, "It's not that…I mean I don't want you to think…"
"I know." Leaning in, she kissed him, "You're a good man Elliot Stabler." Her hand slid down his chest as she walked towards her bedroom, "Make yourself comfortable. I'll be out in a second."
He watched her go, trying to stop thinking about the fact that she'd be so close to him, naked soon. He had to be good. Had to prove that he was serious about all of this. It didn't mean it wasn't hard though. Didn't mean that he didn't want to follow her, throw her down on the bed and live out every fantasy he'd ever had involving her. "Get a grip Stabler…she deserves better."
Little did he know that she was in her bedroom concocting her own little plan. Smiling to herself, she wondered how he was going to get out of this one. Feeling confident, feeling sexy, feeling sure, she stepped back out into the living room. His back was turned to her as he looked out the window and she smiled, leaning against the doorframe, "So I changed my mind a little…"
"Hm?" He turned and then froze in his spot as he looked at her, "Liv…"
Her hand trailed down the side of her until she touched her bare knee. She'd taken everything off except for his jersey and she knew the sight alone was killing him. Resting her head against the doorframe she smiled, "I decided that if you want your jersey…you're going to have to take it off of me yourself."
He swallowed the lump in his throat and stood completely still, "Liv…"
He was going to make this difficult. Smiling to herself, she walked further into the living room until she was standing directly in front of him, "Yes?"
He let out a shaky breath and looked her up and down, "Just…just keep the jersey."
"I thought you might say that." She sighed, "But…just as you're stubborn. So am I." Shrugging, she whispered, "And I mean it when I say that the only way this is coming off is if you take it off." He swallowed hard again and she smiled, "And I feel like showing up to work or leaving the apartment like this in general may get me a few looks…so unless you'd like to share me…"
He growled and narrowed his eyes at her, "I'm not sharing you with anyone. Not now. Not ever. No one is going to see you like this. No one but me."
She smiled, stepping closer to her, her bare toes touching the front of his shoes. She wasn't a small woman, but beside him she felt tiny. Pressing up on her toes, she slid her hand up his chest and felt his heart pounding hard in his chest, "I was hoping you'd say that too…"
His hands shook as he settled them on her hips, the soft worn material of his jersey riding up a little higher so that the tops of her thighs were exposed to him, "Olivia…"
She tilted her head to the side, and in the dim light of her apartment she whispered, "What's your choice El? Because I've made mine…"
He watched her, saw the sincerity in her eyes and knew she wasn't letting him escape her apartment for a second night in a row. He really should have seen this coming. She was good…she was damn good…
TBC