Elliot woke up on the day the divorce would be finalized in a bit of a daze. Every moment since seeing Olivia had been consumed by thoughts of her, moments shared with her. But today, today all he thought of was his failed marriage, and the impact it would have on his children. It wasn't that he wanted to be married to Kathy anymore. That relationship had run its course long ago. He knew all the fighting, all the back and forth wasn't good for the kids and in the long run this would be best. But it didn't mean it wasn't hard.
His children were his reason for breathing. His reason for waking up every morning. His reason for showing up every single day at SVU and fighting for victims, especially the children. He'd die for them. But today was the first time he worried about what this would mean for their relationship. What had Kathy told them? What had they believed from what they saw? Kathy had been angry lately and wasn't afraid to show it. They were with her the majority of the time, always had been. So now, what would this mean for the future?
Sighing heavily, he reached for the alarm and turned it off. It was the first morning he was waking up without Olivia since he'd slept at her apartment. She had to work last night and so he was alone. Very, very alone. He wished she was here. Because she would make it better. She made everything better. Glancing at his phone, he looked at the time and wondered…
Only he didn't have to wonder because his phone rang, and Olivia's name filled the screen. Taking a deep breath, he held it to his ear, closing his eyes he could practically see her sitting beside him, "Hey Liv."
He heard traffic behind her and he wondered where she was, "Just making sure you got up on time…"
He laughed and leaned back against his headboard, "You know me so well…"
They were quiet for a moment and then she whispered, "You okay?"
He contemplated his answer before answering, "I'm fine." She didn't respond and he could practically see the eye roll on the other side of the phone, "I'm…just hoping I get to see the kids today. I'm supposed to this afternoon. But I have a weird feeling."
He could hear the sound of keys jangling, "Elliot…your kids love you. More than anything. You know that, right?"
"I just…wish I had been a better Father. They deserved better." He whispered.
He heard her sigh softly, "I know you think because you work a lot that that makes you a bad Father…but it doesn't. You work so hard to provide for them. To protect them. And when you are with them…they are your number one priority. They are so lucky El."
"Where are you?" He asked, suddenly desperate to see her, "Can you-"
"I'm just getting home. It was a long night." He could hear the elevator in her building, "Look I know today's gonna be tough…but me being there is the last thing you need."
He closed his eyes tight, knowing she was right, "I just…"
"I know." She whispered, "But you're gonna be okay. But just so you know…it's okay to feel sad."
He grumbled and sat up, "Liv I don't…it's not that I want to be with her…I just…"
"I know." She repeated again, "I know. But you still had a vision of what your life would be…and it's okay to mourn the loss of something. It doesn't make me upset. Your marriage…it was a huge part of your life. You're allowed to go through a grieving process."
Elliot's heart pounded in his chest, "What did I do to deserve you Benson?"
He could envision the smile on her beautiful face, "If you need me…you call me. But I think you should probably take some time to yourself. Okay? I'll be here when you're ready."
Swallowing the lump in his throat he whispered, "Promise?"
He could hear the key in the lock before she answered, "I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me too. Okay?"
The smile grew on his face, "Then I guess we're going with forever then."
He heard her inhale sharply before whispering, "Okay…well why don't you end one marriage before you start even considering another one okay?"
He laughed slightly, "I'm just making my intentions clear."
She huffed loudly and sat down on the couch, "Intentions…"
Sitting up straighter he answered honestly, "Liv…I want us to-"
"El…" She frowned, "I'm tired…and you have to get ready. You can't be late. I promise that we can talk later if you want, alright? But please…please just put me out of your brain for a bit? Our future? Or our present. Just do what you need to do today. For yourself. For your kids."
Running a hand over his face he whispered, "Alright…"
"Okay. I'll talk to you later, alright? It's gonna be okay. And if it's not…I'll still be here." She whispered.
"I love you Olivia." He whispered, she hadn't said it back and he didn't expect her too, "I just…needed to say it."
He heard her shifting around again before whispering, "Good luck today El. I'll talk to you later."
After hanging up the phone, he wished more than ever she was beside him. But he knew she was right. Today he had to focus on the task at hand. Then…he could focus on the future. The very real future he wanted…he just hoped Olivia did too.
A few hours later he sat across from Kathy and her lawyer signing the last form to officially end their marriage. She wasn't looking at him and for some reason, he felt nothing when looking at her. He crossed the t on his last name and then slid the pen and paper across the table.
"Well…that's it." Kathy's lawyer said, "You're officially divorced."
Leaning back in his seat, Elliot looked back at Kathy who was now staring at him. The two lawyers in the room watched each other nervously, then stood up and slowly walked towards the door. The now divorced couple sat there awkwardly for a moment, trying to figure out what to say or do. Finally, Kathy moved.
She stood up and reached for her bag, "You can pick the kids up next weekend."
He frowned and then stood up, "Wait…I thought today was my day to get them."
She sighed, "The twins are at a birthday party until later. So no."
His fists clenched and slowly he stood up, "Kathy…we have an agreement."
She rolled her eyes, "Well you were always a Father when it was convenient for your schedule. Now we can work around mine and theirs."
He shook his head and walked towards her, "Kathy, that's crap. I'm going to see my kids. I already had to agree to the bare minimum with them. You're not taking them-"
"Elliot…we're divorced. Let it go. I'm tired of fighting." She said with a sigh, "Just let it go."
"No. I'm not letting it go. Those are my kids." He said pointing at her, "You can't-"
"They are our kids." She hissed back, "And I've been the one doing the brunt of the work since day one. So if I say they aren't seeing you this weekend, they aren't seeing you."
She started to walk towards the door and he growled, "I know you hate me. Fine. Fine Kathy. Hate me for working all the time. For providing for our family. But don't you dare try and turn my children against me. I assure you it's not a fight you want to start."
"Are you threatening me?" She asked, turning back to him, "Seriously?"
"I'm not." He huffed and fell back against the table behind him, "Kathy…I don't want to fight. I'm tired of fighting too. But I'm begging you…do not take my children away from me."
Pulling at her coat she whispered, "I'm sure next weekend will be better. Goodbye Elliot."
When she walked out the door, he knew she was probably going to make an excuse for next weekend too. This was going to be harder than he thought…
After wandering around the city for a few hours, not wanting to go home alone he finally found himself back at his apartment. Walking inside, he was once again swallowed up by the silence. He'd spent so many years working in a loud squad room, in the barracks with the Marines, and with his own children and wife. Silence put him on edge. Silence meant he was alone. And when he was alone, he was left with his thoughts. His regrets. His failures. And for Elliot Stabler that was the worst punishment of all.
Falling down on the couch, he saw that it was past noon. He knew that Olivia had slept for a few hours and then gone back to work. She wouldn't be around. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and hoped that maybe he could fall asleep to pass the time.
Although he slept, it was fitful. Filled with nightmares about his children. Some where they were in trouble and he couldn't get to them, those weren't new. Others where his kids refused to see them because they were angry. He was tossing and turning when he heard a knock on the door. Jumping slightly, he tried to catch his breath and slowly pulled himself up off the couch. Stumbling towards the door, he opened it slowly and was confused when he saw a young man standing there with a pizza in one hand and a grocery bag in the other.
"Are you Elliot Stabler?" The boy asked, "Please tell me you're Elliot Stabler."
Elliot leaned against the doorframe and nodded, "Uh…I am. And you are?"
"Just a delivery boy." He held out the other, "Courtesy of one Olivia Benson. Have a good night."
Still in a daze, he took the items and watched the boy turn and walk out of the apartment. Confused, he turned and went into the kitchen, placing the items down on the counter. He flipped the pizza box open and saw his favorite toppings on top. Reaching into the bag, he pulled out a six pack of his favorite beer and a carton of Rocky Road. At the bottom of the bag he found a note with her handwriting.
Don't be too proud to wallow a bit Stabler. Even Superman is allowed to feel sad sometimes. - Liv
He sighed, a slow smile spreading on his face, "Damn she's good…"
After her shift, Olivia was walking out of the precinct, completely drained. She'd only had about two hours of sleep before having to go back in. It was a different tired. Back then at SVU it was physically, emotionally, mentally exhausting. Now she was just tired staring at a screen, dealing with idiot coworkers. At least she didn't have to see the victims now. She still missed it though. Especially the people…
As if on cue, two figures came into view and her heart jumped in her chest. They were talking animatedly and then turned to look at her, "There she is!"
Olivia smiled and walked closer to them, "Long time no see…"
John pulled her in for a quick hug and squeezed tight, "Where you been stranger?"
She laughed and let Fin hug her too, "You know where I've been John. Just a few floors up."
Fin frowned, "Sticking to that gig, huh? Not coming back? We figured you'd cave by now."
Her face flushed and she shook her head, "It's honestly not bad. Kinda nice to not be knee deep in blood and rapists for a change…feels good for my mental health."
John leaned against the squad car behind him and shrugged, "Good to get away from us too?"
"John…that wasn't…" Sighing heavily she shrugged, "I should have said goodbye. I'm sorry about that…it was just…"
An awkward silence fell between them and then Fin whispered, "Yeah…we know."
Somehow, she knew she was thinking about Elliot. It seemed everyone knew. But today was not the day she wanted to go down that road. There were still things to figure out and she wanted to talk to Elliot before announcing to the world that they were…doing whatever they were doing.
John spoke again first, "His divorce is final today…"
Clearing her throat nervously, she swung her keys around on her finger, "Oh really?"
Fin nodded, "Might be a tough day…he might need a friend."
Her eyes lifted to look at them both, and she could tell that they were giving her some sort of blessing. That was the thing about cops, especially ones that worked together as long as they had. They could say everything without saying anything at all. Smiling softly, she pointed down the sidewalk, "I am exhausted…working on about two hours of sleep. So I'm gonna head home."
John smirked, "Home. Right."
She laughed and shook her head, "Bye guys…it was good to see you."
"Dinner sometime this week?" Fin called out to her, "The whole crew? Maloneys?"
Olivia turned to look at him as she walked backwards, "Pick a day and a time. I'll try and make it work." She gave them a little wave, "Have a nice night boys."
Watching them as she walked back a few more steps, she turned and made her way towards her apartment. Maybe that future Elliot was always talking about was inevitable after all…
Three slices and two beers in, Elliot was feeling more relaxed. But only slightly. He needed more than the comfort food. Reaching for his phone he sent a quick text. You home?
His foot tapped on the floor as he waited, his beer bottle rolled between his hands. He needed her to respond. He needed her.
The silence, the empty apartment, it was all suffocating. His foot tapped harder as he waited until finally, he heard the ping.
Just walked in. You okay?
And then he was moving. Reaching for the remote, he flipped it off, walked into the kitchen and grabbed the carton of ice cream from the freezer. Tossing it in a bag, he reached for his coat, his keys and slipped his phone in his pocket and was out the door before he could stop himself.
He was glad he had picked an apartment building not far from hers. Made the walk easier. It had been a weird day. A tough day. He was tired. He was sad. He was frustrated and wanted to give Kathy a piece of his mind. But he also knew he was in a precarious position here. He was walking through the doors of her apartment building when his phone began to ring in his pocket. Lifting it to his ear he knew it was her, "Hey…"
He climbed into the elevator and counted in his head as the floors ticked by, already getting calmer as he got closer to her, "You didn't respond so I was worried…"
"Hang on one second." He said as the doors opened, "One sec…"
"El?" She asked curiously, "What's going on?"
"Open your door Benson." He said with a huff, "Please open your door."
He heard her moving around and then the door swung wide open, the phone still at her ear, "Elliot…"
Smiling, he ended the call, slipped the phone in his pocket and then lifted the bag, "Thought I could come by for desert?"
Her hand fell to her side and she leaned against the doorframe, "I sent that stuff over so you could spend some time alone…"
Swallowing the lump in his throat he whispered, 'Liv…the last thing I want is to be alone." His shoulders slumped and he frowned, "Please…can I come in?"
The softness of his voice, startled her. She hadn't heard him like this in all the years she'd known him. Never heard him sound so defeated. She thought he needed to spend this time at home, sorting through his thoughts. It's what she would have done. But maybe for him, maybe he needed something different. Maybe…maybe he needed her.
Stepping aside she nodded, "Of course."
She heard him sigh heavily, a sign he was relieved. He had thought she might turn him away. Little did he know she'd do just about anything he asked of her as long as it would make him happy. He walked further into the apartment, but his movements were filled with anxiety. She could read it in his body language. She took the bag from him and put the ice cream in the freezer before turning back to him.
"What happened?" She asked softly, he didn't respond and she walked closer to him. "El?"
"Can we not talk for a bit?" He asked nervously, "Can we just…sit here? Together?"
For him to ask something like that, she knew whatever it was was hurting him. "Sure."
Reaching for his hand, she walked him towards the living room and sat him down on the couch. He looked tired. Very tired. They sat side by side, he squeezed her hand and she pulled him closer. "Come here…"
He moved, slowly but she never took her eyes off of him as he lay down. His head resting in her lap. It should have felt strange. To be sitting here with Elliot Stabler's head in her lap. And yet…it felt so normal. She saw him closing his eyes, and lean further against her. Her fingers danced along the back of his neck, his muscles were tight but he began to relax. "It was too quiet…I don't like the quiet."
She felt him cling more to her legs and she slowly began to run her hand down his back, "It's okay El…you're safe here. Close your eyes."
Taking a shaky breath, he nuzzled closer to her, "Tell me you're not going anywhere…"
Leaning over him, she pressed a kiss to his temple, "I'm not going anywhere. I promise. Close your eyes."
And so he did…
Somewhere in his unconscious state, he dreamt the kind of dreams that haunted him for years. The dreams where his children were hurt, taken, and he couldn't get to them. Cases morphing together and all of the victims replaced by the four children that carried his blood in their veins. The four children who may hate him now because of the divorce. The four children that he was pretty sure Kathy was going to try and keep from him. He was tossing and turning, calling out to the four of them, desperately trying to reach for them but the closer he got the farther it seemed the slipped away.
"El. Elliot…wake up." A voice, one voice that he knew so well was calling to him both in his dream and from somewhere far away, "Come on El, wake up…it's just a dream."
He lifted off the couch, gasping for breath, his skin cold but sweat poured down his back. "Hey…"
He felt two hands rest on his shoulder, one moved to caress his cheek, "El…look at me."
Lifting his head higher, shaking the last of the sleep from his mind he saw her, "Liv…"
Moving to sit across from him on the end of the coffee table she frowned, "It was just a dream…"
Swinging his legs up over the couch, his feet hit the ground below him and he sighed heavily, "Was it?"
His body was tense, his shoulders clenched and she saw his jaw twitching beneath his hands, "Talk to me…" He sighed again, "El…what happened today?" When he didn't respond, her heart started pounding in her chest, "Are you reg-"
"No." His hand shot out to grab hers and squeezed tight, "God no Liv. I don't regret the divorce and I sure as hell don't regret you…this."
His voice was low but full of confidence, "Elliot…"
"She wouldn't let me see the kids." He was looking down at their joined hands in her lap, unable to meet her eyes, "I was supposed to see them…but she said no. And I just…I have a terrible feeling that this is going to keep happening. I don't know what she's said to them. What they think happened…"
Scotting closer to him, she could feel his knees shaking as his feet tapped on the ground, "El, legally she can't keep them from you. You have an agreement."
"I can't lose my kids Liv. I can't…" His voice cracked and he shook his head, "I won't survive that. I know I don't deserve them but Jesus…I need my kids."
Watching him, she saw the pain coursing through his body. In all the years she'd known him, all the years they'd been partners, he'd kept so much bottled up. It was rare for him to fall apart in front of her, let her see the vulnerable side of him. The one thing she knew for sure though, was that if he was going to show this side of him it was serious. His children were his world, his very reason for breathing, for getting up each day and fighting alongside her at SVU. To be ripped away from them…that would be a pain he would never be able to handle. Putting herself in Kathy's shoes, she knew that Elliot had made mistakes. But he had tried too. Tried to fix it. And from what she'd heard from Elliot, Kathy had her own faults so he wasn't to blame completely. Now though…if Kathy was angry…she was going to be even angrier when she found out about them. It would be a reason to keep him away from his children.
Shifting nervously on the coffee table, her heart rattled in her chest and the tears stung in her eyes. They'd had this conversation to an extend the other night at the game, but maybe now he would finally see it the way she did, "El…maybe we shouldn't-"
His hand squeezed hers again and he moved closer, his head hanging low between them, "I can't lose you either Liv. I can't…I need you too." He rested his head against her chest, "Please don't push me away. I need you."
Lifting her hand, it settled on the back of his neck and felt the cold sweat there, "I'm here El…I'm right here." He lifted his head slowly to look at her, offering him a small smile she leaned in to kiss him, "You should take a shower. You can crash here if you want…"
He nodded slowly, "I want to. But only if it's okay with you."
Standing up, she pressed a kiss to the top of his head. She went to move but she was surprised when he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer, nuzzling his face into the thin fabric of her shirt. "El…"
"Tell me it's okay to stay." He whispered, "Tell me you want me to stay."
His grip on her tightened, her heart ached for him. She hated that he was hurting so much. She'd never been needed before. Wanted. Never expected someone to come to her for comfort. Never expected to be worthy of this kind of affection. That little voice in the back of her head told her that he was just hurting, but the way he talked to her, the way he held her told her he really did love her. She didn't want to come between him and his children or his ex wife. She'd never wanted that. But if she had to let him go to save him, she would. Just not tonight…
Her right hand slid up his arm and along his neck, slowly lifting his chin up to look at her, "I want you to stay."
She saw his shoulders relax slightly, saw him lean into her. He pressed his lips to her abdomen and she shivered slightly, "Come on…"
He let her lead him towards her bedroom, his feet still felt like lead. Standing in the bathroom connected to it, he watched her move around the small space grabbing towels. His eyes never left her, memorizing the movements. She placed a folded towel on the sink and turned to him, "Sorry…I only have girly soap. You'll have to manage." He was just staring at her, in a way he hadn't before and she felt her cheeks burning, "Um…I'll just be in my room but-" His hand reached out, slowly encircling her wrist, "I-I-"
Lifting her hand, he could feel her pulse pounding in her wrist. Gently, he pressed a kiss to the pulse point, he heard her inhale sharply as he did so, "Liv…"
Chewing on her lip, she leaned against the sink beside her, "El…"
Shaking his head, he pulled her against his body, "I love you."
Her hand fell to his chest and she gasped, startled by the sudden movement and the feel of him pressed against her, his words. It wasn't the first time he had said it, but she was pretty sure she'd stop breathing no matter how many times he said it. Pulling back, she looked up at him and nodded, "Do you need anything else?"
Shaking his head, he whispered, "Don't think so…"
Swallowing nervously, she stepped back and pointed to her room, "Okay…well I'll be in there."
She watched him start to tug his shirt up over his head, his muscles rippling as he tossed the shirt to the ground and his hands moved to the waistband of his pants, "Want to join me?"
As tempting as it was, something held her back. Maybe the need for him to be clear headed or maybe her own worries. But she shook her head and pointed to the shower, "I know how that works, Stabler. Nice try. Take a shower and then come see me. Okay?"
He pouted softly but nodded, "Okay." He watched her start to walk away and he couldn't help himself, "Liv?" She turned to look at him, one hand resting on the door frame as she watched him, "Thank you…for everything."
She smiled softly, her face flushing but she bent her head low and whispered, "Nothing to thank me for El. Nothing at all." She gave him a little wink and pointed at he shower, "Now go…"
Twenty five minutes later, he walked into her bedroom with a towel wrapped low on his waist. She had to avert her eyes so that she didn't jump him. He was hurting. She had to be a support, and not the kind that jumped his bones. That would be a distraction. Nothing more. She was sitting on her bed, her laptop perched on her knees. She had changed into a pair of loose fitting sweat pants, a tight t-shirt and her hair was thrown up into a messy bun on top of her head. On her face she wore her glasses, something she knew he had never seen before as she didn't wear them at work. Only at night. She heard him rummaging around the room, grabbing some of his clothes he'd left behind. But he only pulled a pair of his sweatpants on, choosing to leave his chest bare much to her chagrin. He wasn't going to make this easy on her…
She kept her eyes trained on the screen in front of her, wanting to finish this report before bed. It had been her plan before he showed up at her doorstep anyway. But when she felt the dip of the mattress, and saw him crawling towards her, she knew she was in big trouble. Like a lost little puppy dog, he curled up beside her, nudging his head under her arm, resting it in her lap as he had done before. She laughed and lifted her arm, reaching over him to type something. He was watching her out of the corner of his eye, she was so focussed, biting down hard on her lip, muttering to herself as she worked. He knew that look. He'd seen it for seven years as he sat across from her. Her job was important to her. Very important. Even now away from SVU. And she was damn good at what she did. He just wondered how much she missed their partnership…
Clearing his throat he looked at the screen, "Whatcha workin on?"
He sounded like an innocent teenage boy but she knew him better than that, "Just some reports for a case. I promised my partner I'd finish them tonight."
My partner.
He tensed slightly and she felt it, "Hm…"
She glanced down at him and saw the sadness wash over his face again. This time, the sadness was aimed at her and she felt guilt, "El…"
Shifting slightly, he rolled onto his stomach and away from her lap so he could see her, "Do you miss it?" She stared at him, blinking nervously, "SVU? The guys?" He took a deep breath before whispering, "Working with me?"
With a heavy sigh, she closed her laptop knowing she wasn't going to finish this tonight. But for once in her life, she had something more important to focus her attention on. Closing the top, she placed it on the bedside table and turned back to him, "Elliot…"
"Because we miss you." He whispered, "It's not the same without you." He sighed sadly and shrugged, "I miss you."
Pulling her legs up under her she smiled sadly at him, "You know I do El…"
"They blame me." He said with a pout, "And they're right. I sent you running and now the team is broken up and we-"
"Elliot…it isn't your fault." She whispered, "I made a choice. But…" She shrugged nervously, "I think we both know this was probably inevitable."
Reaching out for her he frowned and traced the lines on her palm, "Was it?" He felt her stiffen and he knew what she was thinking, "Wait Liv…"
"I…I mean I think so?" She pulled her hand into her lap and then sighed, "IAB has been looking for reasons to break us up for years."
After a moment, Elliot slowly sat up and sat cross legged across from her, "I guess you're right."
She watched him carefully, saw the emotions play across his face and wished she could get into his brain, "El?"
"When I said that I can't lose you…" He cleared his throat, "Liv I meant that. This thing…what we're doing. It means everything to me and it's been coming for a long time. You're right. Being split up was probably inevitable." Reaching out, he lifted his hand and she gasped when he touched the red line across her throat, the scar left by Gitano, "Liv…if you had died that day. I wouldn't…I wouldn't be able too…"
"But I'm alive." She whispered softly, she moved his hand down to her chest so he could feel her heart beating, "I'm alive El."
"Thank God for that." He smiled and leaned in and kissed her softly, "But as much as I hate being away from you…hate not working with you. I guess it's worth it as long as I get to have you as my girlfriend."
Her eyes went wide for a moment, and it didn't go unnoticed by him. "Hm."
She moved then, crawling off the bed. Reaching for the elastic in her hair, her long tresses tumbled down her back and he felt a prickle of worry in his heart again. Today had been a rollercoaster of a day. "Liv?"
She gave him a small smile and then pointed to the door, "I need some water. You want something?"
Before she could turn away, he sat up on his knees and reached for her, "Olivia…"
Her hands settled on his chest, felt the warmth of his skin, the muscles under her touch and she shivered, "El…"
"Was it the world girlfriend?" He asked nervously, "Did that just freak you out?"
She shifted her weight from foot to foot and then slowly lifted her eyes to meet his, "I just…I mean I wasn't sure…we haven't really put a label on this. And…sometimes that word seems so…"
"So what?" He asked curiously, "Fine you don't like that word?" He shrugged, "Okay. We can use a different word."
He pulled her closer and she laughed, "Elliot…"
"When people ask…we tell them you're my lover." She smiled as his lips pressed against her temple, "My best friend." He pulled all the way back and then tilted her head up so he could see her face, "My partner. For better or worse."
Her fingers traced along the lines of his chest, "You want people to know?"
He growled and nodded, "Do I want people to know? Of course I want people to fucking know. You don't?"
"No…that's not." She sighed and stepped back, "I just want you to be sure El. Really sure." He went to protest, "I…your kids…it's all going to be a lot. And I don't want you to jump into something just because you're lonely. I want to be here for you. I want…" Swallowing hard she gestured between them, "I want this…" She sighed, "But you've made all these plans in your head and I think you need to slow down a bit. You have so much to consider. More than me. I'm alone…I don't have…I-I don't have anyone to consider. So it's different."
"Liv…" Reaching for her, he pulled her closer and whispered, "You haven't been alone since you met me."
She smiled sadly and touched his face, "El…I've been alone my whole life. And I know how sinking that feeling can be. I know that right now you're feeling that overwhelming sadness. I am here. To support you in anyway you need me to be. But…don't put labels on things or make promises when you're feeling like this. It won't do either of us any good."
Settling back on his heels he whispered, "Liv…I meant it when I said I love you."
Her heart thumped in her chest again and she nodded, "I know you did. I know…"
"When I say I need you…when I say I can't lose you…when I say I love you." He titled her face up to his again and whispered, "It's because I mean all of those things. You Olivia Benson, mean the world to me. I came here tonight because the only person I wanted to see was you…the only person who could make me feel better was and always is you. I'm here. Where I'm supposed to be."
Watching him now, she wondered how they'd gotten here. In some ways she supposed it was always going to lead back here. But there was part of her that would always have fear. It was just who she was. She'd spent so long alone, it was hard to imagine that someone wanted her. But the look in his eyes told her he meant it, that he was telling the truth and this wasn't a decision he had made on a whim. He'd come here tonight for comfort, from his best friend, his lover, his partner, his girlfriend and all of those titles now were hers. She would be damned if she let him go now…
Reaching out, she touched his cheek and whispered, "I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to come here. I want to be that safe space for you…you've always been that for me." Smoothing her hand across his cheek she smiled, "And I will be that for you. Always."
His eyes fluttered shut and he frowned, "I need you Liv…I just need you. I always need you."
Biting down hard on her lip she sighed, "Lie down."
His cheeks flushed, "What-"
She shook her head and smiled, "Lie down…"
He went to move and then stopped, "I like the glasses…"
She laughed and lifted them off of her face, "Oh yeah?"
He nodded, a low groan escaping her lips, "Maybe save them for another night?"
She laughed again and shook her head, "Whatever you want El…"
Reaching for them, he took them and placed them on top of her laptop, "What I want is to make love to you Olivia…"
He saw her freeze and he knew that this was new for her. But he meant it. Since they got together, it had been fast and sometimes frantic, a frenzy of movement and god it had been amazing. But right now, he wanted to feel her. All of her. Needed to feel all of her. Needed to know that this wasn't a dream. Her hands reached for the hem of her shirt, pulling it up and over her body slowly. He never took his eyes off her as she bared herself to him completely. He was surprised when she didn't turn from him either though, bold, and confident, sure in her movements.
Her fingertips traced a line up his abdomen to his chest and she whispered again, "Lie down…"
Swallowing the lump in his throat he knew he couldn't deny her, didn't want to deny her. Shifting backwards, he took a deep breath and did as he was told. Settling against the mattress below him. His heart rattled in his chest as she climbed up onto the bed over him, her legs resting on either side of him as she straddled his hips. He was still in his sweatpants, but she could feel the bulge growing between them, the physical evidence that he did in need want and need her. The way he stared at her made her whole body shiver. They'd been together more times than she could remember in just a short time. Yet this felt more intimate, more important.
His hands settled on her thighs, rubbing gentle circles against her smooth skin. Reaching out gently, she touched the side of his face with one delicate finger, "Elliot…it's okay to be sad. To be vulnerable in front of me."
He sighed, his eyes closing tight as he leaned into her touch, "That's hard for me."
"I know." She whispered, leaning down to kiss him softly, "It's hard for me too. We both grew up thinking that wasn't okay. But…I guess if we're going to make this work then we'll have to learn." She smiled, kissing him once more, "Together."
The smile that grew on his face set her her heart racing even faster, "Together."
Her hips rocked against him and he groaned softly, as her lips moved down the side of his face to his neck, sucking gently, "We always did make a great team." She hesitated only for a minute before his hands trailed up her back, "I want the world to know you're mine. For now I'll settle for girlfriend…" He felt her smile against the base of his neck, "But someday…someday Liv…I'm going to make you-"
Pulling back, she shook her head and pressed her finger to his lips, "Just be here right now. With me. Okay? Just be here…"
He let her move his hand along her body, the palm of his hand holding the weight of her breast, his fingers tugging on her nipple, "Liv…tell me that you at least want this. Right here. You and me. That we aren't seeing anyone else…that when I need you I can come to you. That I can have you. All of you."
She knew for now, he needed at least that. Little did he know, she'd always been his. Even when she dated others, her heart, her body, her mind and her soul all belonged to him. Today had been a hard day for him, full of changes and fear. She wanted to believe that they could have that future, but today she just wanted to be here. At this moment. To let him grieve. To let him reach for her in his darkest hour. To be whatever he needed now. She'd worry about the rest later.
Leaning back, she slowly pushed his sweat pants down over his hips and felt him shift under her weight. His one hand tugged on her lower back and she smiled, lifting herself to meet him, already ready for him. Her hands rested behind her on his thighs, lowering herself over him, "Yes Elliot…"
His back arched slightly as he felt her envelop him, "Liv…tell me."
Rolling her hips, she felt him growing even harder inside of her as she made love to him, "Elliot, I want this. I want you. I want us." One of his hands held her hips in place and the other trailed up and over her flat belly, he felt her inhale sharply as his fingers inched closer to her throat, "There is no one else. You can have me. Anyway you want me…whenever you want me."
His hand held her tighter, but not enough to hold her, "You're my girlfriend Liv."
She smiled, tilting her head down to look at him, and she nodded, "And your best friend…"
"My partner…" He whispered sitting up, making her hips crash harder against him.
A shuddering moan escaped her lips as he filled her more, her arms draped over his shoulders, "Your lover…"
"God yes…" Leaning forward, he captured her lower lip between his teeth, "My lover. My everything."
Her fingers dug into the base of his neck as they rocked together, slowly, so damn slowly. This was new for her. Very new but so fucking exciting. Every part of her body was aching for him, desperate to feel him and she'd never wanted anything, anymore more. She couldn't take her eyes off of him, his crystal clear blue eyes had turned into a deep ocean blue. He was watching her, watching the way her body moved and she'd never felt so powerful, so feminine, so beautiful or attractive in her life.
She was so caught up in the moment, she was surprised when he started to roll them over until he had her trapped under the weight of him. He pulled away and she whimpered, already missing the contact. But he made quick work of his sweatpants, tossing them to the side and then moving back towards her. The look in his eyes told her he was far from finished with her. Swallowing hard, she felt his hands slide up and over her thighs, squeezing down hard and then letting his fingers just barely grace her skin making her shiver, "El…"
He settled himself between her legs again and thrust forward causing her to cry out, "Olivia…"
She bent her knees, trapping him between her thighs, holding him closer as her arms slid up and over the muscles in his back, "Don't stop. Please don't stop."
His breath came in hard, heavy pants as he pressed his lips into the base of her neck, "Olivia, nothing should feel this good."
She smiled and ran her fingers down his neck, pressing her breasts up into his body, "But it does…"
His teeth grazed her collarbone and bit down gently, "Olivia…baby…"
She shivered in his embrace, never one for pet names. But the sound of it on his lips as he made loved to her, filled her completely she couldn't have enough. Gasping, she felt him surge forward, filling her until he couldn't go any farther and pleasure surged through her body. Her legs started trembling as she felt her orgasm building, "Fuck…right-right there. Please…"
He smiled and braced his elbows on either side of her head, thrusting harder, and each time he did she whimpered, moaned, begged him for more. The sound ignited something inside of him. A primal need to make her come undone, again and again in his arms. Needing her to know that he'd do anything to keep her here, to please her, to make her smile, to make her know he belonged to her. Lifting his head slowly, he looked down at her, saw tears brimming in her eyes, "Come on Liv…come for me."
Her nails raked down his back as her release started building, "Fuck…El I-"
"Now." He growled against her lips, "Come for me baby. I need to feel you."
It was all too much but her eyes squeezed shut tight and she felt him prepping kissing along her jaw as her body shook and shattered against him. Screaming his name, she was pretty sure she'd passed out for a moment as he continued to thrust forward. He grunted her name, pushing through her tight walls, not ready for it to be over. Her thighs ached as they tensed and shook around him but he rolled them to the side so they faced each other, never letting her go, never pulling away, "Elliot…"
His hands moved, settling on her hips, pressing his fingers into the taught muscles of her ass, "I love you." She whimpered softly, her hands moved to cradle his face, "I know there is a lot to figure out…but I'm not going anywhere Liv. I want to be here. I need you. Always you."
Resting her forehead against his she sighed, "I need you too Elliot…I always have."
He felt her roll her hips, pulling him deeper at this angle and he tensed, "Fuck…"
Moving his hand between them, she felt his fingers dance along her clit and she smiled. He was determined to bring her over the edge again and she knew he could. She wasn't one to often climax during sex. But in the short time she'd been with Elliot she already knew he was the one that she had been waiting for. That he was the one that could read her body, he could bring her to new levels of pleasure and intensity and she never wanted to be without him. She felt herself shaking again as his hands slipped along her most sensitive spot, "Elliot…Jesus christ…what are you doing to me?"
He smiled and pushed his hips up harder, "I told you Liv. I'm making love to you…"
Her leg moved to wrap around his waist, her heels digging into his ass, "Is that what this is?"
"Yes." He whispered his fingers moving faster, "That's what this is. Do you feel it?"
Biting down hard on her lip she lowered her eyes to meet his, "Yes."
He held her closer, making sure she had nowhere to look but at him, needing her to understand that despite his sadness today, she wasn't just a rebound. She wasn't just comfort. She was his, and only his. He saw tears burning in her eyes as she rocked with him, feeling it building again, between both of them, "Olivia…"
She smiled and leaned in to kiss him, "I've got you El. I've always got you…"
And he knew she meant it. He pulled her even closer, breathing her in as his hips moved faster in time with hers. He could feel it, feel it coming to an end but he wanted to stay here, right here with her and only her forever. They came together, falling apart, together, always together. She cried out for him and he pressed his lips to her, pouring his heart and soul into her. Laying side by side, their hands caressed each other, not wanting to pull apart from each other. Trying to breathe, he rested his head against her chest and wrapped his arms around her back, "Olivia…"
Pressing her lips to the crown of his head she smiled, "Shh…"
Earlier today he'd felt so alone, so lost. But she brought him back to life, just as always. His saving grace. "I need you…"
"I know." She whispered, running her hands down his back, soothing his muscles, "I know El." Tilting his head up slowly she smiled, "And I need you."
He kissed her once, twice, three times and then wrapped himself around her again, wanting to stay right here with her. If you had asked her years ago if she'd end up here, holding him against her in her bed she would have said you were crazy. She would have told anyone who mentioned it that he was married, that he loved his wife. But that part of his life was over, and he was choosing to be here with her. Not because it was convenient, not because he didn't have other options, but because he wanted her. So she made a choice, to fight with him. She knew she was right in some way. Knew that he was going to have to face Kathy, the kids and it was going to be a challenge. But she trusted him and for once in her life, she believed in love. She believed that somehow they could make this work even if it took time. Even if they had to fight through hell and all the miles between them, she wouldn't stop fighting.
She wouldn't stop fighting for him.