Always remember that EO is endgame in my stories. But I gotta throw the twists and turns in too. Anyway…here is chapter 7 that will set us up for a lot in the future. Don't forget to drop a review!
A week had passed since that night and Elliot had still not said anything about the message from Kathy and she in turn hadn't brought it up. She didn't want to upset him or make him angry for reading his texts. She hadn't meant to, it had been an accident. But he pretended like everything was fine, held her hand, took her out, took her to bed at his place or hers each night. But every time his phone went off, they both tensed, both worrying about what it would say. She always knew when it was a message from Kathy because he'd pull away from her, whether he realized it or not she wasn't sure. Even if he didn't, it still hurt like hell.
Today was Saturday and it was his weekend with the kids. While the older girls knew about their relationship, the twins still did not and Kathy was blocking that conversation at every turn. Olivia had agreed to work today since she had nothing else to do. Elliot was spending the day with the kids and she was happy for him. She wouldn't pretend that she didn't wish she could be there with them. But the last thing she wanted was to make matters worse. The only real problem was that if she didn't say something to Elliot soon, make him have a real conversation with her about this she was afraid of where they would end up. Truth be told she was afraid no matter what. She had meant it when she said she would walk away if it came down to her being in the way of his relationship with his children. She'd sacrifice her own happiness so those four kids could have their Father, so that he could have them. But it didn't mean it wouldn't hurt.
In fact, Olivia had dealt with her fair share of pain in her life. However, the thought of losing Elliot now made her want to crawl into a hole and never come out. She'd faced many battles, disappointments, and many days of darkness. To lose Elliot though would be something she was sure she would never recover from. Especially now. He'd been important to her before they crossed any lines, he'd been her best friend. Now though? Now he was her everything. She'd become one of those women who needed her boyfriend, who longed for them, wanted to spend every minute she could with him. She'd given up her quiet life, her independence because a life with him meant that much more to her. He filled her head with a future, made her think of all the things she had always wanted but felt we're out of reach. She had started to envision it all. The marriage, the partnership between them evolving, weekends with his four children, becoming pregnant with a child of their own. A little boy with his eyes or a little girl that had him wrapped around her finger.
A home.
A family.
All the things that she'd been told she was never worthy of.
All the things she had always wanted but had been too afraid to reach for.
They were right there. Right within her grasp. But that future was in someone else's hands and it scared the hell out of her. She was sitting upstairs wanting a moment of quiet as she worked. It was a relatively slow day but her coworkers were annoying her and she needed space to think. Currently she was going through a box of evidence trying to connect a current case to an old case. Pulling a picture out of the box, she stopped for a moment. The woman looked like her Mother. It wasn't of course but they had the same kind eyes, and the woman looked frightened, broken.
She felt that familiar pain, that sadness whenever she thought of her Mother. Sighing, she put the picture down and thought of Serena. Thought of what she would say about all of this. She'd spent so many years telling her to put herself first. Telling her that she didn't need a man that men only complicated things, that they only wanted one thing. She'd tried to come between every relationship she'd had. Staring out the window she remembered one night when her Mother had come by the precinct. She didn't come often and had only met Elliot and the guys a handful of times. That night she had shown up drunk, very drunk and Olivia knew it the moment she stepped foot in the precinct.
All these years later and she could still remember it like it was yesterday.
She was sitting at her desk going over a file, Elliot was leaning over her pointing out different things. It was still early in their partnership but she had learned more from him in the last year than she ever could have imagined. He was good at his job, damn good. He'd gotten over the initial shock of her as his partner and seemed to believe that she was strong, capable. He was giving her the opportunity to test her boundaries, find what worked best for her. He gave her more freedom to try things, to be independent and deal with a perp on her own and she appreciated that. She also knew that if things didn't go as planned, he'd have her back. That he would always protect her, and that was the first time she'd ever felt that in her life.
"Good." Elliot said with a smile, "You're getting the hang of it Liv. I'm proud of you."
She smiled, feeling like a teenager getting approval from her first crush as she put the file down, "Thanks. I've had a good mentor."
His smile grew and they had one of those moments, those rare moments when everyone else around them disappeared and it was just them. Every time it happened it made her heart race, but then she'd remembered the gold ring on his finger and snapped back into reality. He wasn't hers. He was a husband, a father. And she was just his partner. Just as she was pulling away, she heard someone stumbling into the squad room. She turned, ready to assist the person but her heart dropped to her stomach when she saw that it was her own Mother. "Mom…"
Elliot followed her gaze and stepped back already feeling the tension. He'd only met Serena briefly but he knew enough to know that the relationship between Mother and daughter was a strained one. He also knew that Serena had her own demons, and for good reason. It had taken her a lot, but Olivia had opened up to him about her Mother's rape, about her reason for existing. That had been the night that he realized how much he cared for her. How he would do anything to protect her from being hurt anymore in this life. It was complicated, very complicated but he didn't care. No matter what, he'd protect her. Even from her own Mother.
Serena stumbled forward and tripped, Elliot reached out to grab her before she fell, "Careful Ms. Benson…"
Serena shook off his hand and glared at him, "Don't you touch me."
Elliot dropped his hands quickly and stepped back, instantly falling into a military stance as if he was being reprimanded by a superior, "Sorry ma'am."
Olivia stood up quickly and shot him an apologetic look, "Mom…what are you doing here?"
Glancing between the two of them, Serena frowned, "Are you sleeping with him?"
"Mom!" Olivia gasped and couldn't even try and look at Elliot, she was mortified, "You can't-"
Serena pushed past her and stared at Elliot, "I know what you see when you look at my daughter. I know what you want. But I swear I'll kill you myself if you touch her. Do you hear me?"
"Ms. Benson…" Elliot said, taking another step back, "Olivia and I are work partners. I'm ma-"
"Married." She said, grabbing his hand, "I know. But a gold band doesn't stop a man from wanting a beautiful woman."
He slowly extracted his hand from hers and frowned, "I respect your daughter and my wife. I wouldn't-"
"Men are pigs. All of them. Even ones like you who pretend that they care." She turned to her daughter, "Just like her Father. Sex. All they care about is sex."
"Mom." Olivia reached for her arm again, "Mom, stop. You can't do this here."
It was a quiet day but the few people in the precinct looked over, listening in to the conversation. Other than Elliot and Cragen, no one else knew about her Father and she wanted to keep it that way. Cragen stepped out of his office and over to them quickly, "Ms. Benson. Lovely to see you."
Serena tensed, she knew Cragen. Had seen him at a handful of AA meetings when Olivia had begged her to go. Something about him made her feel more comfortable, safe, less judged. She softened slightly and leaned against her daughter, "I'm tired."
Cragen looked at Olivia who looked back, terrified and hurting, he nodded, "I know. Why don't we get you upstairs-" Olivia's eyes went wide and he smiled, "We all need a rest from time to time Olivia. No problem at all."
Olivia looked at Elliot nervously, he smiled, letting her know it was okay and she walked to the side of her Mother, taking her arm along with Cragen. Together they walked her back out of the squad room as she mumbled incoherently. As Elliot watched them go, he wondered how many times Olivia had had to do this alone. Sighing, he turned back to the rest of their coworkers and practically growled, "Shows over folks. Mind your fucking business."
Fearing the wrath of Elliot Stabler, all of them turned and went back to work and he knew they'd never say a word to Olivia about this. At least not to her face…
Cragen had come down a little while later, checked in with Elliot and told him to make sure no one bothered Serena or Olivia. He gave Elliot's arm a reassuring squeeze and then retreated back to his office. Over the next hour, he sat down at his desk, staring at her empty chair and he desperately wanted to help. The night was slow and truth be told, he could have gone home a while ago. He just didn't have the heart to leave her here. Glancing at the clock, he saw the time and realized Olivia hadn't had anything to eat or drink in awhile. Using it as an excuse to check in, he went to the vending machine, grabbed her favorite soda and snack and then walked up to the cribs. He peeked in through the small little window first and sat her sitting up on the bed across from her Mother who was still passed out.
Taking a breath, he pushed the door open, even in the dim light he could see Olivia tense, worried about who it was, "Just me…" He whispered.
He saw her shoulders relax slightly before he walked slowly into the small room. "Hey…" She whispered.
Elliot looked at Serena and then back at his partner, "Can I sit?"
She tensed again and for a moment he thought she was going to say no, going to ask him to leave. But after a moment she nodded her head, unable to form the words. Sitting down beside her, he held out the can of soda and the chips and she smiled nervously, "Thanks."
Looking back at Serena he whispered, "She okay?"
Olivia laughed softly and shook her head, "Not sure she's ever been okay…at least not since the night he-" She sighed and placed the snacks down beside her, before dropping her feet to the floor, "El-"
"You okay?" He asked softly, she wouldn't look at him and he leaned in, "Liv…"
Slowly, she lifted her head and looked at him. It was dark, very dark. But the city lights streamed in through the dirty window and she could see his eyes. His blue eyes. The eyes that made her feel safe, made her feel home. The one thing she'd been longing for her whole life, "No."
He sighed and nodded once before turning to look at Serena again, "Parents have a funny way of making you feel like absolute shit sometimes, huh? Ruining your life?" She didn't respond and he looked at her, "You're not the only one with family drama Benson. I promise."
He didn't talk about his own family much, at least not his parents. She knew his Father was dead and that he had been…difficult to get along with as Elliot had said. But he never discussed his Mother and she knew better than to push the subject. So instead, she nodded, "She's got a lot to be angry about…especially when she has to see me all the time. The constant reminder of what he did…of how he-"
"She kept you for a reason." He whispered, he felt her tense and he sighed, "I'm not saying that it's not hard for her…but there is part of her that loves you Olivia. Of that I am sure." When she looked back at him he whispered, "You're a good person…whether you realize it or not you're nothing like them. And there are many people who care about you." He saw her swallow the lump in her throat, "That includes me…"
Her head instantly dipped down towards his hand, his left hand and he knew she was looking at the ring on his finger, "You shouldn't."
Sitting up a little straighter he whispered, "You're my partner Olivia. For better or worse. I'm always going to have your back. So yeah…I should care. If I didn't…" He leaned in and whispered, "We wouldn't be such a good team."
A slow smile spread on her lips and she sighed, "Yeah…"
"Yeah…" He nudged her shoulder and looked back at Serena again, "She doesn't like me though. That much is clear."
She laughed and shook her head, "It's not you. It's all men…don't take it personally. I promise you're not special."
"Gee. Thanks." He growled, smiling when he made her laugh again, "Here I was thinking I was different from all the rest of them…"
Reaching for her soda, she popped it open and sighed, "You are El…you are."
And somehow he knew exactly what she was saying without needing her to elaborate. They sat in silence for a few minutes, neither of them knowing what to say before she knew she had to talk again, "I'm sorry though…the things she said…I mean I know she isn't the first but your marriage…" She looked at him nervously, "Elliot I respect your marriage and you and I-"
"I know." He whispered with a smile, "I know Liv. It's okay. Let them all think what they want. We know the truth, right?"
Lifting the can to her lips she nodded, "Right." She turned back to her Mother and then thought of Kathy and his children waiting at home, "Still quiet down there?"
Elliot nodded, "Yeah. Pretty dead."
Though it hurt, though she wanted him to stay, right here beside her she knew he couldn't. So she smiled and turned to him, "You should go. Surprise Kathy and the kids. They'll be happy to see you home so early."
His eyes were wide as he watched her, surprised by her words. Then again, she always did put his children first. His family. Licking his lips he looked at Serena, "You sure? I can-"
"Yeah…yeah I'm good." She shifted nervously on the bed, already pulling away from him even though she just wanted to hold onto him for dear life. So she did the only thing she knew how to do when she was hurting, she deflected, made a joke, "Please, I'm a pro at watching my drunk Mom sleep. I got the whole thing down to a science. I know what sounds to listen for so I know she's breathing, know when to turn her in case she pukes…I got this."
He slumped beside her, feeling worse, "Liv…"
She turned to him and whispered, "Go home so that your kids have a parent who doesn't make them feel like shit. They need you. I'll be fine. I always am."
He knew it was a lie, knew she wasn't okay, had probably never been okay. But he also knew she wouldn't let him stay, no matter how hard he pushed. He also knew that she was right in some way, his children needed him to show up so that old patterns didn't repeat themselves. So as much as it hurt, he stood up and stepped back, "Call me later?"
"Sure. Sure." She said waving him off, "But seriously…I'm good. Go be with your kids." She swallowed hard and whispered, "With Kathy. It's where you belong, El."
What she didn't say was I belong here. But he knew she was thinking it, he just wished she could see she deserved so much more. He just hoped somehow, someday someone would make her see that. Even if it could never be him…
Taking a deep breath he nodded, "Alright. I'll uh…I'll see you later Liv. Night."
"Night El." She curled her legs up onto the bed again and turned away from him, not wanting him to see her eyes filling up with tears as he walked away.
He hesitated for a few moments but then finally turned on his heel and exited the room. As soon as the door closed behind him, the tears fell hard and she had to put her hand to her mouth to keep from making any noise. She didn't want to wake up her Mother. Unfortunately for her she whispered, "He'll never be yours Olivia…he'll only break your heart."
And then she rolled over on the bed again and Olivia was once again…alone.
A familiar voice pulled her out of her memory, causing her to jump. Looking up, Olivia saw Casey standing at the top of the stairs, "Geez. Stop having sex dreams about your boyfriend at work Benson…it's unprofessional."
Olivia's face flushed and she gathered the files and pictures in front of her, "Very funny Novak…very funny."
Casey laughed and walked further into the small space, sitting down beside her. She placed her bag down and sighed, "Any luck?"
Olivia sighed and shook her head, "Nothing yet. But Fin said there are another three boxes downstairs to go through. He just went to grab dinner and then we'll sort through them."
Casey nodded, "Great. Thanks."
Olivia nodded, Casey watched her trying to keep herself busy, but she'd worked with her long enough to recognize the look on her face. Something was bothering her. Something big. She also knew that Olivia Benson liked to keep things to herself. It was easier that way so that she didn't get hurt. And deep down, Casey understood that feeling. Except lately, Olivia seemed to be happier and she didn't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out why.
Elliot Stabler.
She knew they were together. Knew they were happy. Knew that things seemed to be good between them. But she also knew that things could change at the drop of a hat and there were more than enough things that could come between the two of them, no matter how much they loved each other. Settling into the seat beside her friend she smiled, "So…"
Olivia knew by the tone of Casey's voice where this conversation was going and she wasn't in the mood, "Casey…don't-"
"How's it going with Stabler?" She asked with a smirk, Olivia sighed "What? I'm not allowed to ask a friend how her relationship is going?"
Letting out a shaky breath, she leaned against the chair and sighed, "You ask every time you see me. I've told you…things are fine."
Moving quickly, she picked up the box and shuffled to the other side of the upstairs space, "Fine? That's not the kind of word someone wants to hear when referring to a still fairly new relationship between two people who have been lusting after each other for years."
"Jesus Casey." She said with a laugh, "Can we not-"
"I want to live vicariously through you and know that the two of you are going at it like rabbits every damn day and living out all your deepest, darkest fantasies. That's what I want to hear." She said dramatically.
Olivia turned slowly and leaned against the railing behind her, "You do realize you're asking me this at the Special Victims Unit precinct, correct?"
Casey frowned and shrugged, "Yeah…so?"
"I just…" Placing a hand to her forehead she sighed, "It's weird to be talking about this here? With the things we see and do…I just…"
Casey's eyes went wide and she walked towards her, "So the sex is that good huh?"
Olivia's face flushed and she looked away, "Casey…"
"I knew it!" Casey said quickly, "I knew the two of you wouldn't be able to control yourselves. I have to know everything."
"Jesus. No." She said with a laugh pushing her back, "I'm not telling you anything about our sex life? Okay?"
Casey rolled her eyes and went back to sit down again," Fine. You're no fun." She paused and then asked, "Can you at least tell me if he's-"
Olivia's phone pinged and she laughed, "I'm ignoring you." Lifting the phone to her ear she turned away from Casey and stepped down a few steps to talk to Elliot in private, "Hey."
She could practically see the smile on his face when he spoke to her and it made her heart ache, "Hey back."
Glancing down towards the squad room, she looked at his empty desk and missed him even more, "How's it going?"
"Things are good. Having fun with the kids. Minimal fighting." He said with a laugh, "Although the night is still young and Lizzie and Dickie usually take it up a notch after dinner."
She smiled wondering if she'd ever be able to be around them to see that, "Of course."
She could hear the kids talking behind him in his small apartment. She heard him laughing at something one of them said and then he sighed and said, "I really wish you were here…"
Tears prickled in her eyes and she wondered if this was going to be their life. Him spending time with his children, her unable to be with them. Or would Kathy finally make him choose? If that were the case, she'd walk away before it got that far, she knew that much was true. "El…"
Kathleen was yelling something to him from across the room and he sighed, "Yeah. Sure I'll be right there." He paused and then spoke directly to Olivia, "I have to go…"
"I know." She said with a smile looking back at Casey, she lied anyway to make him feel better, "Casey and I are in the middle of something anyway. Go. Be with your kids. I'm good."
"Tomorrow when I drop off the twins and Kathleen…I'm going to make Kathy have a real conversation with me. And-"
"El…" She didn't want this hanging over his head when he was dealing with his children, "Don't worry about that right now. Go. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
She heard him sigh and then whisper, "Okay. Yeah. Can I still come by after I drop them off?"
"Sure. Of course." She said with a smile that he couldn't see, "I'll be there."
"Good." He waited another moment and whispered, "You know I love you, right?"
Her heart ached as she listened to his words and yet all she could hear was her Mother's voice from that night. He'll never be yours Olivia…he'll only break your heart.
Clearing her throat she whispered, "I know. Have fun with your kids."
And then she hung up quickly before she could start crying. She took a few moments to compose herself before turning to walk upstairs to sit with Casey again. Casey was going through the files in the box but when he looked up she saw the look on Olivia's face, "Everything okay?"
"Everything is fine." She said with a tight smile and a nod of her head, "I'm gonna go see if Fin is back and-"
"Olivia, wait." Casey saw her tense and she whispered, "Are things really okay with you two?" She still didn't respond, "Liv?"
Sighing, she turned and sat back down across from her friend, "Things are…great. Elliot is wonderful. He's been…amazing."
Casey nodded slowly, "Then…what's the problem? You look devastated…I don't understand."
The tears burned in her eyes now and she whispered, "I just…things are great. I'm happy. But I know…I feel it…it's not going to last."
Casey sighed, "That's just your fear talking. Things haven't always worked out for you. But that doesn't mean that it has to be that way forever. You can be happy…and Elliot makes you happy."
"He does." Olivia whispered, "He makes me crazy happy…but he has a life outside of his relationship with me. And right now he can't have both." Casey gave her a look, "Kathy's pissed…really pissed. He doesn't think I know but I do. She's going to try and keep the kids from him if he's with me. And I won't allow him to do that…won't allow him to pick our relationship over them. Not that he would. But I just feel like maybe I should do us both a favor and-"
"And what? Walk away?" She asked with a sigh, and when Olivia didn't respond Casey frowned, "You're just gonna walk away from something that makes you this happy?"
Olivia was quiet, but then she spoke softly, "She's never going to let us be together Casey. And he's afraid to tell me what she's saying…but I know that it's only going to get worse. I can't…"
Casey sighed, stood up and moved to sit beside her, "Listen, you said he was meeting with Lincoln West, right? He's got an incredible reputation. He'll get things figured out with the kids. She has no reason or motive to keep him from the kids."
"But they're going to fight nonstop. And he's going to start resenting me. And he can't keep living two separate lives." She said bitterly, "He's there and I'm here just like it was before…I don't know why I thought just because they signed a piece of paper that we could suddenly be together."
"Man, what I wouldn't give to drive to Queens and give that blonde a piece of my mind." Casey growled.
Olivia laughed, "She was his wife…for a long time. She's the Mother of his children. I can't-"
"I know. I know." Casey said, rolling her eyes, "But I don't have to like her."
"Yeah. Me either." Olivia said with a laugh then she looked down at the box, "Alright, enough of this. Did that Special Agent ever show up? Cragen said they were supposed to be here a while ago to help."
"She's here." A voice said from behind them, Casey and Olivia looked back towards the stairs, "Don't look so disappointed."
"Dana." Olivia said quickly, "What are you doing here?"
Walking closer to them, she picked up the box and glanced down, "Your perp and I go waaaaaay back. Cragen called out of curtsey."
Olivia took a breath and slid the box towards her, "Any info you got, we'd love to hear it."
"How much time do you have?" Dana said with a loud sigh as she sat down beside them.
Casey smiled, "Well Olivia would like to avoid her life problems so she's got all the time in the world. I however need to get back to the office. Someone call me if we get anything good?" She stood up and started to walk towards the stairs but could feel Olivia throwing daggers at her, "Oh and Olivia…talk to Elliot. You'll regret it if you don't."
Olivia hung her head as Casey walked away and when she turned around, Dana was staring at her with wide eyes, "You and Stabler?"
"Dana…let's focus on the case. Okay?" She looked down at the box again, "What-"
"You and Stabler…" She said again with a little laugh, "I should probably be less surprised than I am."
Olivia huffed and leaned back against the couch, "Great…"
Dana laughed again and shrugged, "Hey, I can't say I understand it. He's not quite my type…but whatever makes you happy." When she didn't respond, Dana looked at her, "Are you happy Benson?"
Happy.
Happiness was coming home to him after a long day. Waking up beside him. Having him there to hold her hand, to laugh with, to be the guy to wipe away her tears when she breaks down. Happiness is when he smiles at her in that way that makes her feel like the only woman in the world. Happiness is when he kisses her so gently, so slowly that her body goes weak in the knees. It's the feeling she gets when he reads her mind, says exactly the right thing to make her get out of her own head. Happiness is Elliot. But how could he be happy if he couldn't be with his kids too?
Olivia swallowed hard and whispered, "I am…but I'm not sure it's enough. At least for him."
"Men. Can't live with them. Can't live without them." She smirked, "Well I can…" She looked down at the box and frowned, "Let's distract you from thoughts of the inevitable, yeah?"
"The inevitable…" She whispered, the ache in her chest growing, "Yeah…"
The following afternoon, Olivia was exhausted. She'd stayed all night and into the morning working with Dana. She could barely keep her eyes open. She had a few texts from Elliot she had left on read, she couldn't respond because she didn't know what to say anymore. The more time she spent away from him, the more reasons she came up with in her head to end this. Not because she wanted to. But because she saw no other alternative when it came to him and the kids. Her back ached as she sat up slowly and tossed a pen on her desk. Her eyes drifted over to the empty desk across the room, his desk. If she broke up with him now, one of them would have to leave here again. She couldn't pretend…
Why the hell did it all have to be so complicated? Tears burned in her eyes and she wished that she had never crossed that line. Never let him take her to dinner that night. Never let him kiss her, touch her. But then she thought she'd have missed out on all the moments in between. The moments when he showed her what real love could be. When he showed her what she was worth. And once again, it hurt. It all fucking hurt.
"Stare any harder at his desk and you'll bore a hole in it." Dana's southern drawl called from behind her.
Olivia snapped out of her daze and looked back at her, "Dana…I'm not in the mood."
"Man…you really do have it bad for this one don't ya?" She asked, perching herself on the edge of her desk, "You're in deep."
Olivia sighed, "Stop."
Dana took a deep breath and shrugged, "Alright, alright. I'll drop it. You should go home though. I'm gonna need your help with this case and I need you thinking clearly. Go get some rest. Things don't seem as bad once you've slept."
Olivia smiled sadly and nodded, "Yeah. Maybe." She started to gather her stuff as Dana continued to watch her and a thought occurred to her, "Hey…do me a favor while you're here?"
Dana shrugged and nodded, "Sure. What is it?"
Olivia smiled and slung her bag over her shoulder, "Try not to get my boyfriend stabbed or shot at? You have a habit of doing that…"
Dana laughed and shook her head, "Might make your life easier if I do…"
Olivia rolled her eyes and started to walk away, "Nice. Real nice Dana. See ya around."
Pulling into the driveway, Elliot's heart was pounding in his chest. How many times had he driven up to this house? How many times had he come home to his wife and children? Now when he pulled up he felt like a stranger in what had once been his home. If he was being honest with himself, it had been a hell of a long time since he had felt settled, even before the divorce, before the separation. He didn't want to be with Kathy, he knew that. But it was his kids, missing being here with his kids that hurt the most.
Looking in the rearview mirror, he saw Lizzie looking out the window with a sad look on her face. Dickie had his eyes closed and he knew. They felt it too. Kathleen reached across him in the passenger seat, squeezed her arm and whispered, "It was a great weekend Dad."
He turned to look at her and tried to smile, "Yeah. It was."
The front door opened and Kathy started to walk down the front steps, the signal that his time was up. Sighing, he took the keys out of the ignition and looked back at the twins, "Ready you two?"
Lizzie looked back at him and smiled, "Yeah. Sure Dad."
They started to climb out of the car and he helped them with their bags in the back. All the while Kathy watched them from the base of the porch. He felt like he was being monitored while with his own children and he wondered if that was their future. He could feel the anger growing inside of him but he needed to try and keep his cool. He had to have a conversation with her tonight, a real conversation whether she wanted to or not. This back and forth, the walking on eggshells, the keeping the two most important things in his life separate was weighing on him and he knew that Olivia felt it too. He'd seen a shift in her this last week. The fear of losing her was right there on the surface, he was afraid if he waited any longer he'd lose her and the kids.
Walking towards Kathy, Lizzie leaned in and hugged her Dad tight, "Bye Dad."
Elliot smiled, squeezed harder and kissed the top of her head, "Bye sweetie. Good luck on that math test. Call me Tuesday and let me know how it goes?"
Kathy cleared her throat behind them and Lizzie looked back at her Mom, "Yeah…yeah I'll try."
Elliot looked back at Kathy and saw that she was trying to control everything still, "Love you baby."
"Love you too Dad." She whispered before pulling away and walking up the steps.
Kathleen and Dickie both said their goodbyes, nervously looking at their Mother as they passed her. Elliot waited to make sure they were in the house before he said anything. He didn't want to fight in front of them anymore, "So now my kid can't call me on a Tuesday to tell me about her test? Because it's not a scheduled night?"
She rolled her eyes, "She doesn't need the distraction Elliot."
"Distraction." He snorted, "Distraction…talking to her Father is a distraction. Got it. Great Kathy. That's wonderful."
"You're the one that walked out on this family." She growled at him, "You chose-"
"No hang on a second." He said putting his hand up, "You kicked me out. You asked me for the divorce. I tried. I asked you to go to counseling. I told you I'd try. I said I'd-"
"You said a lot of things over the years Elliot." She growled back, "You said you loved me. That you wanted a life with me. You said you weren't attracted to your partner and that you weren't sleeping with her. Was it just Olivia or should I call Jo Marlow too?"
"Don't you dare." He said angrily, "I never slept with Jo and I never slept with Olivia while we were still together. Nothing happened until we were already done. Don't try and spin this to-"
"You really think I'm supposed to believe that?" She said with a laugh, "You think I believe that you never touched her until after we broke up?"
"You know what, I don't care what you believe because I know the truth." He said putting a hand to his chest, "And so does Olivia. You can think whatever you want-"
"I think your kids aren't going to forgive you for this." She whispered with a smile, "So it will make this that much easier."
"Kathleen and Maureen already know and they are fine with it." He said quickly, "The twins-"
"The twins." She said with a nod, "Are still young enough to be angry at you. And I meant it when I said if you're with her that you don't get to see them."
"This isn't how this works." He said angrily, "You don't get to dictate my relationship with my children. I'm not going to let you make me choose."
"But if you had to choose." She said with a shrug, "You'd pick her over your children like you picked her over me?"
"You know what…" Elliot said backing away, "Jesus Christ…I'm sorry Kathy. I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry that I have hurt you and that I made mistakes. But I am not picking anyone over anyone else. You and I are divorced. We are allowed to be with other people. I'm sorry you don't like my choice of partners. But I'm in love with Olivia."
"Love." She said with a sneer, "Love is fleeting Elliot. Do you honestly think she's capable of playing the wife and Step-Mother you so want her to play? Because I highly doubt it."
"You don't know a fucking thing about her." He said pointing at her, "She would never ask me to choose. She'd just…"
"Walk away?" Kathy asked with a smile, "Yeah…I hope she does."
Swallowing hard, he stepped back and shook his head, "I'm not picking between them. And you aren't keeping them from me. I can promise you that." He looked up past her and saw the three kids watching them from the window, "Those are my kids too and I refuse to not be a part of their life. So you can try whatever the hell you want to try. But I will fight you till my last breath for them. Do you understand?"
She just stood there glaring at him as he walked to the car, just as he opened the door she said, "She won't be around my children Elliot. I can promise you that."
His fingers squeezed tight against the door frame, his jaw clenched and he wanted to say something back. But it wouldn't help. Climbing into the car, he drove off refusing to look back. Not because he didn't want to see Kathy, but because he didn't want to see the sadness on his kids' faces.
Olivia had tossed and turned since the moment she got home. She had hoped she'd get a little rest before he came over but the harder she tried to sleep, the more her mind wandered. The more she worried. The more the 'inevitable' as Dana had called it seemed to mean one thing.
By the time he knocked on her door, she was so upset that she knew that no matter what happened next wasn't going to be good. She opened the door slowly and saw the look on his face, his day had been as shitty as hers. "Hey."
He walked into the apartment, pressed a kiss to her cheek and nodded, "Hey."
She watched him as he walked into the room, his shoulders tense, his jaw set, his eyes dark. He was upset. That much was clear. And it didn't take a rocket scientist to know what he was upset about. He'd said he was going to talk to Kathy today and she was more than sure it had not gone well. She was exhausted, completely exhausted and she didn't have the strength to do what she felt like she had to do. Walking into the kitchen she whispered, "Are you hungry?"
"No." He said falling down onto the couch, "I ate a late lunch with the kids."
"Okay." She grabbed a water bottle, and then moved towards him in the living room.
They both stared at each other, neither of them knew what to say. Both of them were thinking things they didn't want to say out loud. Walking closer to the couch, she sat down on the opposite end as him, keeping a space between them which didn't go unnoticed by him. He didn't say anything at first, just watched her pick at the label on her bottle. "How was work?"
She looked back at him and tried to smile, "Fine. Same old same old. That uh…help Cragen was promising showed up."
He turned his head towards her and sighed, "Do I want to know?"
She smiled sheepishly and shrugged, "Dana Lewis."
"Star. Lovely." He chuckled, "I better strap on my bullet proof vest."
She took a sip of her water and smiled, "I asked her to take it easy on you this time around…not sure if she listened. The vest could help."
He snorted and then they fell into an awkward silence. It was deafening. She felt like she was drowning in the weight of all the things left unsaid. So much of their relationship had been like this. Holding it all in. Pretending they didn't feel things they were actually feeling. They should have been used to it by now she thought. For her, she should be used to disappointment too. When she looked at him again, she saw the sadness on his face and her Mother's words rang through her mind again.
He'll never be yours.
Putting the cap on her bottle, she placed it on the coffee table, then turned her body to look at him, "El…"
He cringed, he knew what was coming next and he didn't have the strength, "Olivia…don't."
Tears burned in her eyes and she bit down hard on her lip, "We can't pretend that this isn't happening anymore Elliot. We need to have a conversation about this."
He sat up slowly, leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, "I don't want to have a conversation about this."
"We don't have a choice." She said angrily and he huffed, "Elliot you think I don't know what's going on?" She saw him cringe, "You think every time your phone rings and you disappear I don't know it's her threatening you? Trying to pull the kids further away from you?"
"Olivia…" He looked over at her and shook his head, "She can't just take my kids away from me because she doesn't like my girlfriend."
"But she can try." She quickly said, "And she can make your life hell. Your kids lives hell and that isn't fair. That's not what I want."
"Not what you want." He nodded his head, "What do you want Olivia?"
Her mouth hung open and she leaned further into the couch, "Elliot…this isn't about what I want." When he didn't respond she whispered, "This is about the fact that you have four children who desperately need their Father. And I refuse to be the reason that you lose them." He got up and started to pace the room making her heart race faster, "Elliot when we started this…I made you promise that your kids come first."
He continued to pace, "I know. I remember."
She knew it was only a matter of time before the tears came and while part of her wanted to hold onto him for dear life, the other part of her wanted to end this now. Wanted him to leave so she could fall apart. If she cried in front of him he wouldn't leave. He would think he needed to fight for her. For them. But what he needed to fight for was his children. His family. And she wasn't a part of that family. No matter how badly she wanted to be. She never should have let herself believe that this could work to begin with. She was always just going to be the partner, that's the way it should have stayed. Or maybe she should have just stayed at Computer Crimes, that was the smart choice. But now she was invested and she needed him and he made her feel things she didn't expect to ever feel. And now she was back at SVU so she'd have to leave and she would be alone…forever. Just like she always thought she would be.
"Elliot…" He stopped and looked at her, her voice cracked as she spoke, "It's over."
His shoulders slumped and he moved towards her, "Olivia…"
She put her hand up, "It's over…it has to be over. For your kids…for you. This is what's for the best." He sat down hard on the coffee table and she cringed, "You'll be fine. This thing…" She gestured between them, "It was fun but it was…it wasn't…it-"
He grabbed her hands quickly, "Stop." She tried to pull her hands away and he held them tighter, "Stop it."
She whimpered softly, "Please…please don't make this any harder than it has to be."
He shook his head adamantly, "Don't say that it wasn't…because it was and I know you know it was." He grimaced, "Why am I saying was? This isn't past tense. Because it's not over."
"Yes. It is." She whispered sadly, "Elliot…it is. It just has to be over."
"No. Fuck it doesn't have to be over." He stood up quickly and started to pace again, "It doesn't have to be over just because Kathy-"
"She's angry. And I can't say that I blame her. If I was her I'd probably hate me too." She said with a laugh, "She probably thinks we've been having sex for years and that-"
"Jesus Christ." He turned and looked at her, his patience failing, "But we weren't. We weren't Olivia. How many times do we have to talk about what everyone else thought? I don't fucking care what they thought! I'm tired of doing things for everyone else. When do I get to be happy?" He paused and looked at her, "Liv…when do you get to be happy?"
She smiled sadly and stood up, "Elliot…you can't be happy without your children. And I don't expect you to be. In fact I wouldn't want to be with you if you didn't want to fight for them."
"I can fight for both of you." He responded adamantly, "Olivia, no I can't be happy without them but I can't be happy without you either."
She wanted to scream, wanted to push him out the door because the longer he stayed the harder it got, "Yes. You can."
"Olivia…" He moved towards her and she backed away, and somehow he knew he'd already lost the fight, "You swore you wouldn't run from me."
"I'm not." She whispered softly, "I'm not running El. I'm just…making the choice easier for both of us. It's better this way."
"How? How is this better?" He asked angrily, "I walked around for months after you left SVU completely lost. And the second I saw you standing on the street that night everything fell back into place. I felt like I could breathe again. Being without you isn't going to be better."
"Your kids need a Father who is around. Who they are allowed to see. And even if this lawyer gets that time for you…as long as you are with me Kathy is going to make your life and theirs miserable. And someday you will resent me…and so will your kids." She whispered.
"Olivia…" She backed away again and his heart was breaking more and more by the second, "I will never resent you. I lov-"
"Don't." She whispered ready to give the list of things she'd come up with in her head to get him to walk away, "Don't. You love the idea of me. I'm familiar. I'm comfortable but you're not in love with me." He went to protest and she shook her head, "And even if you are…it doesn't matter. Because I'm not going to let you do this."
"Well I'm not going to let you do this." He said moving towards her again, trapping her against the wall, "Olivia, I'm not letting you end this."
"It's already over." She said flatly, "It was over the second I saw that text message on your phone and you didn't tell me…"
He narrowed his eyes at her, "Olivia…what are you-"
"You're trying to protect me. But you don't have to. I'm a big girl El. I've taken care of myself my whole life and I can do it again now. I'll be fine." She slipped off to the side and walked towards the door, "Your kids need you more than I do."
"Olivia. I need you." He responded, "I need you. I've told you that. And I meant that and I-"
"El…" She opened the door and felt her hands start to shake, she knew if she didn't get him to leave now, she never would, "You can leave now and someday you'll find someone else. Someone who Kathy doesn't hate and then you'll need her and you'll love her and-"
"Please." He whispered, "Olivia…please."
"And you'll be happy. And the kids will be happy because you'll be around and everything will be as it should be." She said through tears, "I promise you…it's going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine."
"How can you look me in the eye and tell me everything is going to be fine?" He asked, "How can you tell me that you don't want to make this work-"
"I can't." She whispered as the tears fell harder, "I can't El…but I have too."
Swallowing hard, he stepped back and looked at her, really looked at her, "Olivia…"
"Please go?" She begged, "Please…I'll be fine. But your kids won't be…you can't ruin their life. Can't make them feel like shit." She remembered their conversation again, "They need you El. They need their Dad."
He moved slowly towards the door somehow knowing that nothing he said would matter right now. Then he stopped. They both stood there, once again wanting to say so many different things. She wanted to reach for him and he wanted to fall to his knees and beg harder, but it wouldn't matter. Once Olivia Benson made her mind up about something, there was no changing it. And he knew in this instance that she meant it when she said his children came first. Even if she was right, it didn't make it hurt any damn less.
Taking a deep breath, he turned to look at her again but she wouldn't look at him, "I want you to know something." He watched her stand up a little straighter, watched her hold her breath and he spoke again, "I'm not going to find someone else. I'm not going to be happy with someone else. I'm not going to love someone else. It will always be you and I."
She pressed her hand to her chest and cried softly, "Elliot…"
Leaning towards her, he kissed her forehead, "It will always be you and I." Looking down at her he whispered, "So when you realize that…you know where to find me."
And then he was gone. And she was alone. Completely alone like she always had been. Just like she always would be.
Because he was never going to be hers…
Elliot drove around for hours, torn between going back to her apartment or going to Queens and giving Kathy a piece of his mind. But no matter what he did, he knew someone was going to get hurt. Someone was going to be angry. He didn't want to upset his children. Didn't want to hurt Olivia more. Didn't want to give Kathy more of a reason to think this wasn't going to work. Maybe if he just gave Olivia a few days she'd come to her senses and realize that no matter what Kathy said they could be together. His ex-wife couldn't control who he dated. He wanted Olivia and his children in his life and he didn't want it to be two separate worlds. He hated this. He hated it more than anything. Why did it have to be so fucking complicated?
Parking his car, he realized he was suddenly at the precinct. Just like when he was with Kathy and he was angry after a fight, he'd end up here. But back then it was always Olivia he was coming back too. This time around, he was walking up there alone. As he walked towards the front door he paused. She broke up with him. But she was back at SVU. What if he walked up there and found out that she had called Cragen and asked to leave again? What if she was really leaving? And what if-
Before he could think about that stark reality, he heard a loud bang, and a piercing pain shot through his side. Looking down, he was stunned when he saw dark red blood pouring from his body. He stumbled slightly, trying to make sense of what was happening. And then he fell to the sidewalk in front of him. He tried to focus on breathing, and tried to form a plan in his head. But the only thought he had was…
Olivia.
Just as his eyes were about to close, as someone was leaning over him. "Shit…"
The pain only grew and things were getting blurry, "What-"
"Benson is really gonna kill me." A southern accent said, "You just had to step onto the sidewalk when I was following our perp didn't you?"
He groaned when he felt her pressing her hand into his side, "Benson…"
"Yes. Benson. She made me promise to not get her boyfriend shot or stabbed and look what I did…" She applied more pressure as sirens rang through the city street, "Just hang on, okay?"
"Her boyfriend…" He said with a sad laugh, "Her boyfriend…"
"I don't know what she sees in you either but it's none of my business." She mumbled something to people surrounding them, "But don't you dare die cuz she really will kill me."
His eyes shut slowly and he sighed, "Benson…"
Her voice was far away but he heard her when she said, "That's right Stabler…hang on for Benson. Just hang on for Benson…"
By now, Olivia was deliriously tired but sleep was not coming. After he had finally left, she'd fallen to the ground and cried so hard she thought she was going to be sick. But even that didn't help her be able to fall asleep. She'd been up for days at this point and could barely control her emotions or thoughts. But Elliot hadn't come back and she hadn't called because it had to be this way. It was best for everyone. She had to keep telling herself that until she believed it. Now she was sitting outside the precinct ready to go upstairs and tell Cragen she needed to transfer again. She hated to disappoint him again. Hated to leave SVU. Hated to leave him…
But it was for the best.
He was never going to be hers.
Taking a deep breath, she repeated those two thoughts in her mind over and over again as she made her way up to the squad room. It was early, very early. But she knew Cragen would be there and she hoped Elliot wouldn't be around. It would be easier that way. As she walked towards the office, she continued to tell herself it was for the best. This needed to happen. It was the right thing to do. She didn't notice all the people looking at her strangely. She didn't even knock on the door, couldn't bring herself to be here any longer than she needed to be.
She heard Cragen saying something then stopped when he looked up, "Olivia…"
"Hi Cragen. I hate to uh…to do this to you again. I know I just came back and you couldn't find anyone to fill the position but-" She finally looked up and then noticed that Cragen was talking to the Chief, "Oh…I-I'm sorry I didn't-"
"Olivia…I'm surprised you're here and not at the hospital." Cragen said, walking towards her.
"Hospital?" Her heart jumped in her chest and she looked between the two men in the room, "Why-why would I be at the hospital?"
Cragen took a deep breath, "Oh God…you don't know."
Olivia reached behind her to hold onto the door knob, "What…know what?"
"Olivia…Elliot was shot early this morning outside the precinct. Dana was in pursuit of our perp and Elliot was distracted. He got in the way." He whispered.
"Oh God…" She put a hand to her lips, "Oh God…what-"
"Come on." He said, taking her arm, "I'll take you down there…he needs you."
He needs you.
Olivia I need you.
And the truth was…she needed him too. Oh God she needed him too…