A/N - I own nothing.
Some of you already hate me soooo why not just post chapter 10 hahaha. I apologize in advance. No there will be NO cheating because I can't ever write that. But there will be some heart ache as to be expected. But again I present part of the lyrics…
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
But send me the miles and I'll be happy to follow you, love
Do with that information what you will. Now carry on…
By the time she was in the air, Olivia was in pure panic mode. Dana was spouting information at her as she changed out of her dress on the private plane. But all she could think about was the fact that not so long ago, she was wrapped up in Elliot. Not so long ago he had swept her off her feet, shown her a new world she never knew existed. She was seconds away from finally saying those three words I love you and it all went away with a phone call from his children and a text from Dana.
The plane lurched as they hit turbulence and her heart jumped in her chest. She had meant it earlier when she told Elliot she was afraid of flying. Yes this was bigger than a helicopter, but there was still a level of uncomfortableness for her. She wished he was here. Wished he was holding her hand like he had promised to do in the helicopter. Wished he could distract her the way he had tonight…her body ached for his touch already and she'd only been apart from him for two hours. How the hell was she going to do this not knowing when she was going to be able to go home?
"Okay so when we land we'll have all new identification for you. You'll meet Dean and he'll take you where you need to be." Dana said, shuffling through her papers.
Olivia was sitting, dressed in regular clothes, but in her hand she clutched Elliot's coat, "Uh huh…"
"He'll be your point person but I'll be in and out. The group knows me as Star of course. We're there to see if this is in fact a traffic ringing. They claim they are a private commune but we believe they are luring young girls in and selling them. You met Tanya last week, we think she is the ring leader with Colt Pearson." Looking up at Olivia she saw that she wasn't paying attention, "Olivia?" She didn't move, just stared at the coat in her hands, it smelled like him still, "Olivia…are you with me?"
Looking up quickly, she frowned, "Huh?"
Dana sighed and slid her glasses off her face, "Look, I know this was quick. But I need your head in the game here Benson. We chose you because you're good at what you do. You have the ability to save a lot of girls here but if you aren't focussed it could mean trouble for them and you."
Tears burned in her eyes and she clutched his coat tighter to her chest, "Dana…I want to help you. I do. But this is the worst possible timing. If you could just give me my phone and-"
"It's already been processed. They'll take care of everything. Cragen will be notified that you're with me. Your apartment will be secured. You don't have anything to worry about. I promise." She tried to assure her.
Olivia laughed sadly and leaned back, pulling her legs up against her chest, "Nothing to worry about…right."
Dana watched her, saw the way her fingers rubbed along the material of the jacket. And then she understood, "This is about Stabler…" Olivia's face flushed and Dana smirked, "I thought you'd be happy. I'm not around him now so he'll be much safer. I promise."
Olivia laughed and wiped a tear out of the corner of her eye, "Look things are…complicated. Our relationship is still new and there are so many things that have been in our way." Resting her chin on her knee she whispered, "I just…I need to talk to him Dana. You have no idea how important it is."
Dana frowned, "I'm sorry Olivia…but you know how this works."
Scrubbing a hand over her face she sighed, "Dana I'm begging you…begging. Can I just-"
Dana sighed and looked down at her lap, "That his coat?"
Olivia looked down at it in her hands and nodded, "Y-yes. Why?"
Reaching for a blank piece of paper, Dana slid it across to her, "Write him a letter. I'll have one of my agents bring it back with the coat. Okay? That's all I can do for now. If we get a chance while we're gone, maybe you can call him. But I'm not making any promises."
Olivia's heart fluttered in her chest knowing that at least she could give him some reassurance. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."
Dana smiled softly and stood up, "Man…you really do love him, huh?"
Olivia's face flushed and she pulled a book from beside her to lean against, "Dana…"
"I don't know what you see in the man. Truly. I don't. But…to each their own." She pointed up front, "I'm gonna go check in with the pilot. I'll leave you to your love notes…"
Olivia looked right at her, "Dana, you promise that-"
"I promise. I promise." She said with a playful eyeroll, "What is this, a romance novel? Detectives in Love?"
"I'm ignoring you." Olivia said with a laugh as she stared down at the paper again.
Dana laughed and walked away leaving Olivia alone. Her heart was still pounding in her chest, her head was spinning. None of this made sense. She knew what he was going to think. He was going to assume she had run. He was going to assume she sacrificed herself again for the sake of his family because of what Kathy had done. But he had to know, he had to know the truth. And once and for all he had to know how she felt.
She just hoped it was enough and more than that…she hoped he'd wait for her.
And then she remembered that first night when she'd run into him on the street. That night when he'd seen her in the dress and when her old partner was suddenly gone and the man she had always wanted became a reality.
Elliot smiled and reached up to rub the back of his neck, "John said it was probably a good thing I wasn't around because I would have had a stroke if I had seen you all dressed up. And I was wondering…"
She looked down and laughed, understanding what he was saying, "Uh...yeah I was wearing this dress."
She heard him groan softly and then whisper, "Yeah...it was probably better I wasn't there after all."
She blushed and looked down at herself, "It's just a dress…"
He laughed and threw his head back, "Just a dress? Okay...well you're wearing the hell out of it Benson so…"
She scrunched up her nose, and squirmed slightly, "El…"
"I think he was probably more concerned about me seeing your date though." He sighed and walked closer to her, "He knew I would have been jealous as all hell…"
She inhaled sharply as he got closer to her, "Well...that was our third cancelled date because of the job so he's long gone. Just like all the rest of them…"
"While I'm happy to hear that…" He moved even closer, "He's an idiot…" He saw her breath coming in short and fast and he smiled, "You're worth the wait...and if he didn't know that then he isn't worth it. He doesn't deserve you…"
He was so close now, she could feel the warmth of his body, smell the cologne he wore, the beer on his lips, "Elliot…"
"I'd wait forever if you needed me too." His voice was soft, low, but sure and confident.
He would wait. He said he'd wait forever. Elliot Stabler was a man of his word, she believed that. She just hoped it wasn't forever…Taking a breath, she picked up the pen and tried to put into words everything she had wanted to say tonight and everything she had been keeping in for years. He had to know…Dear God he had to know…
Back at the apartment, Elliot was exhausted. He had checked in to make sure that the twins were safe but they were going to stay at their neighbors for the night. He had spent most the night trying to calm down Kathleen and talking to Maureen on the phone. He understood why his children were upset. Everyone understood that their parents were no longer going to be together, and as hard as that was they were willing to accept it. What they weren't willing to do, was deal with Kathy's behavior. Kathleen was asleep in the guest room and he was now sitting on the couch trying to wrap his mind around everything that had happened.
He spent so long planning the date with Olivia he never in a million years would have expected it to end the way that it did. Everything had felt so perfect. It felt as though he was finally getting through to her the way that he really wanted to. As close as they had been in their relationship so far, Elliot knew enough to know that fear with something that always held Olivia back. She spent her entire life thinking that she wasn't good enough, but she wasn't the type of woman who deserved real love. Little did she know he would do absolutely anything just to make her smile. He would have been willing to forgo the helicopter if she had asked him too. But when she agreed to go, and he had her beside him he couldn't pass the opportunity up.
All those miles up above the city where he had fallen in love with her he wanted her to feel his love. He wanted her to understand that he would go to the ends of the earth just to give her everything that she wanted. He'd been afraid the moment he saw her crying as she looked over the city, wondered if he had gone too far, pushed her past her limits. But when he had shared his dreams with her and she in turn shared her own, he knew that this was forever. He finally believed that she was ready, really ready to let him all the way in.
"My dream…was to find a place to call home. To have a family." He froze, locked eyes with hers and she smiled, "And I have a funny feeling I found both of those things in you…" Pulling him even closer she whispered, "So since I've got my dream…let's work on going after yours."
A home. A family. That's all she had ever wanted and he was going to make damn sure he gave it to her. Kathy had thrown a wrench in his plans for the night, making him fear that she'd run off again for the sake of his children. But her words made him feel confident, sure that she was going to stay put.
"No." She smiled and pressed her fingers to his face, just as she had on the roof when she kissed him, "Your kids need you tonight. I'm okay. Tonight was absolutely incredible…more than I ever could have anticipated or dreamed of and nothing Kathy says or does can change that." Leaning up on her tiptoes she kissed him softly, "Go…I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Tomorrow." He bit down hard on his lip and sighed, "Liv tell me you're not-"
Smiling, she leaned in and kissed him again, "You're not getting rid of me Stabler. I can promise you that. Tonight pretty much sealed the deal."
He sighed happily and nodded, "Promise?"
Nuzzling him closer she smiled against his beard, "Promise." Then she pushed him back slightly, "Now go…"
Checking in on Kathleen once more, he went back to his own room and began to change out of his clothes. He smiled when he realized that his shirt smelled like her perfume. If she was here right now, she'd probably take his shirt and slip it on over her body to sleep in. If she was here, she'd climb into bed beside him and he wouldn't be able to help himself. He'd have to have her again. But she wasn't here. She had known that his daughter needed him most and as much as he missed her tonight, he loved her so damn much for it. After brushing his teeth and splashing some cold water on his face, he walked back into his room and sat down on the bed. Reaching for his phone, he checked to see if she had called him and was surprised to see she hadn't.
Relax Stabler. She didn't want to interrupt your time with Kathleen.
Reminding himself to calm down, he called her number and held it to his ear.
You've reached Olivia Benson. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now. Leave a message and I'll call you back.
Glancing at the clock, he laughed, "Did I tire you out that bad Benson? You had to go to sleep already?" Sighing he rolled over onto his side, "Well I wish you were here right now…I had more plans for the night. I'm sorry it ended the way it did…but it was amazing while it lasted." He paused for a moment trying to find the words, "I'm sorry about…Kathy. I'm handling it. Or trying to anyway. I'm sure it will only get worse from here but she doesn't have a leg to stand on if you ask me." Realizing he only had a little time left he smiled, "Anyway, thank you for being so good about the kids. It means the world to me Liv. Just like you. I'll see you at work tomorrow. I love you." He waited a beat and then whispered, "Oh and by the way…can we make you wearing that dress a weekly thing? You really do wear the hell out of it Benson."
The phone beeped again and he knew he had been cut off, but he smiled to himself and knew that the message was good enough. Sighing, he placed it down and felt exhaustion take over. After weeks away healing, the adrenaline from the date and the aftermath of Kathy's big news, he too felt exhausted. As much as he wished he could be beside her, he knew that he'd see her in the morning.
She wasn't going anywhere.
This was real.
And they had a very bright future ahead of them.
Nothing was going to get in the way of that.
By the time she landed in Oregon, Olivia felt like she'd been run over. She'd spent the majority of the flight trying to make sure the letter was perfect. Now she was in a car being driven off towards some hotel room before she would be transferred tomorrow to the commune. She still held Elliot's coat in her lap, the letter carefully tucked away in the pocket. The same pocket that had held the pendant that rested around her neck. Her fingers clung to the coat in her hands, she hated to let it go. And yet she remembered…she had a piece of him with her, just like he had said.
His face flushed and he smiled, "Check the pocket."
She frowned, reached in and slowly pulled out a box, gasping as she did, "Elliot…"
He ran down the steps again and took the box from her, "Open it."
Her hands shook as she popped open the top and her heart jumped in her chest when she saw the golden pendant staring up at her, "Elliot…"
Her fingers traced along the four numbers 6313.
Reaching out, he took the box and slowly took the delicate necklace out of it, "Now that we aren't partners anymore…I wanted you to have a little piece of me with you always. So it will be like I'm there…no matter what. Like I have your back even when we're apart."
Her eyes burned with tears and she looked at him, "It's beautiful."
Carefully, he placed the necklace around her neck and smiled, "You really are stuck with me Liv. No matter where you go…I'll always be with you."
Leaning in, he kissed her once and then stepped back up on the sidewalk to turn back to the apartment building. "Your coat-"
"Keep it." He said with a wink, "Just like my jersey…it looks much better on you."
The car rolled to a stop and suddenly everyone was climbing out. Walking towards the front of the hotel, she still held the coat, trying to will her hands not to shake. Dana had promised that once they got to the hotel, someone would come take it from her. They would be going back to New York tonight and bring it directly to Elliot. They had too.
"You Benson?" A voice said as she walked into the dark hotel room.
Olivia looked up, "Depends on who is asking."
The tall man nodded, "Good. To me you're Benson. But to the rest of the world while you're here, you're Persephone James. Understood?"
Sighing she narrowed her eyes at him, "I know how this works. It's not my first rodeo."
Walking closer to her he reached his hand out, "I'm Dean Porter."
"Okay." She said, giving it a quick shake, "How long do you think I'm going to be here?"
He looked surprised and shrugged, "I don't know. Can't give you a time frame really."
Licking her lips, she walked into the room and spied a bag in the corner, "Is that mine?"
Dean followed her gaze and nodded, "It is. Star's people dropped it off a few minutes ago."
Quickly, she looked at him and frowned, "Where did they go? They are supposed to-"
"Yes, she said someone's bringing something to New York for you. I sent them to check in on something but they'll be back." He said.
Olivia sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed, "Okay."
"So I take it you're not thrilled to be here?" He asked curiously, "Wasn't part of the plan?"
Olivia laughed bitterly, "No. But as usual…nothing in my life generally goes according to plan."
"Sorry to hear that." He said with a shrug, "But you came highly recommended and we need the help. I"ve been on this case for over two years and we're close to cracking it. But I need someone on the inside that knows what they are doing."
"So basically I'm here because you're bad at your job?" She said quickly.
Dean huffed and leaned back against the wall, "Geez…don't hold back do you?"
She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, "Look. I'm sorry. Tonight has been a whirlwind. Literally. One minute I'm…" Her face flushed and she held onto Elliot's jacket tighter, "I just wasn't expecting to be here okay? Haven't had time to process it let alone breathe."
Dean nodded slowly, "Okay…well is your head going to be in the game or-"
Her head snapped up and she frowned, "I know how to do my job. So don't for a second assume that I'm going to mess this up just because I was caught off guard. I'll protect those girls at all costs. I'm a professional."
Dean put his hands up, "Alright then. Star said you were a tough cookie and I guess she was right."
Swallowing the lump in her throat she sighed, "Do you mind if I get some rest? Obviously this is going to be a long trip. I want to make sure I'm ready."
Dean nodded and pushed himself off the wall, "Sure. Sure. I'll expect you up by 7. I'll brief you on everything in the morning before we drop you off."
Taking a deep breath she nodded, "Fine."
A knock on the door made them both turn as a young Agent walked into the room, "Ms. Benson?"
Olivia nodded slowly, "That's me."
"I'm Agent Jackson. Starr sent me to help you with something?" He asked curiously.
Olivia nodded, "Oh. Great. Thank you." She looked at Dean and gave him a pointed stare, "Do you mind?"
Dean put his hands up in defeat again, "I was just leaving. Enjoy your rest Persephone. This will be the last real bed you get in quite some time…"
Olivia groaned as he walked out of the room leaving her with the younger man. Standing up, she held Elliot's coat tight against her chest, suddenly not wanting to let it go. Her hand slipped into the pocket to make sure that the letter was still there. Her fingers graced over the paper and she sighed, "I need you to bring this to someone in New York."
"I'm going to your Unit to have your Captain sign some paperwork. I'll bring it there. Does that work?" He asked.
Olivia nodded, "Yes. He works there. It's very important though that you give it directly to him."
He reached for the coat but she didn't move, still holding it, "Okay…who is it for?"
Olivia looked down, her fingers running along the collar of it, "Detective Elliot Stabler."
"Detective Elliot Stabler. Understood." He moved his hand again but stills he didn't budge, "Ms. Benson? I really need to catch my flight…"
Her heart slammed against her chest and she felt the tears burning in her eyes, wishing she could say take me with you. "Right. Okay. I understand." Her hands shook as she held the jacket towards him, "Just…please…it's really, really important."
"Ma'am, I promise that I will hand it directly to him. It won't be given to anyone else." He said, trying to hopefully reassure her.
Letting out a nervous breath she let him take it from her, "Thank you."
"You're welcome." He took the coat, turned, and then she was all alone.
It was funny. She'd spent so much of her life alone she thought she'd be used to it. How many nights had she spent alone in her apartment, not second guessing it? How many nights as a child had her Mother not come home, leaving her to her own defenses until all hours of the morning? She should be fine.
And yet…since that first night with Elliot, she had spent very few nights without him. And suddenly…the idea of being alone was overwhelming. The walls seemed to be closing in around her. She didn't know where she was going, who she was going to see, what she was going to face and she'd never felt so small in all her life. Walking to the bed, she reached for the bag, thinking that maybe a shower would help calm her.
Standing under the water, the temperature burned her skin and she bit down hard on her lip, trying to hold the tears in. As the water cascaded around her body, all she could think of was him. His hands all over her. And as the water swirled around the drain, she realized she was washing part of him away too. By the time she climbed out of the shower, her body wracked with sobs and she prayed to God he got the letter and believed every word. Otherwise, she didn't want to think of the alternative.
Her eyes were full of tears and it was hard to see, but she stumbled back towards the bedroom needing to find some clothes. It was cold despite the hot shower and she just wanted to crawl into bed, fall asleep and hope this had all been some terrible nightmare. Sorting through the clothes everything felt wrong to her.
And then she saw it.
At the bottom of the bag she saw it.
The jersey.
His Ranger's Jersey and the world stopped. Dana had packed her bag and somehow, she had packed this. She thought she was crying hard before, but the tears that fell now shook her to her very core. Pulling it out of the bag, she brought it to her lips, her tears soaking into the material. She remembered what it felt like to find it outside her door. She had been a nervous wreck trying to decide what to wear that night. For their very first date. And he knew it, and he surprised the hell out of her just like he had been since that night.
She remembered word for word what the note had said and she saw it in her mind now.
Liv,
I know you were nervous about what to wear. I thought this would come in handy for Wednesday. It's my favorite Ranger's jersey but I think it will look much better on you. Can't wait to see you.
-El
Throwing her hair into a messy bun, she let the towel fall to the ground before slipping the oversized jersey up and over her body. Instantly she felt like she was wrapped in his arms. The only place she had ever felt safe. Crawling up onto the bed she grabbed a pillow, tugging it against her chest, trying to calm herself but all she could think about was that first night. The look on his face when she'd come out of her room dressed in this jersey and nothing else.
She remembered how damn good it felt to be touched by him, to know that he wanted her. To know that they could finally let go and cross the lines they'd built so carefully over the years. She'd been lost in him, in his touch, in his desire for her. She'd never felt so beautiful, so sexy, so sure that this was right. He'd made her feel things she didn't know were possible. Made her understand the difference between sex and true intimacy. She'd given herself to him, let him love her in ways she'd never let anyone else love her.
And since that night he'd continually surprised her, helped her learn something new about herself and her needs. And more than that, she'd loved falling asleep beside him, feeling him pressed against her, waking up to him in the morning. She loved how he'd subconsciously roll over in the night and pull her into his arms, drop a kiss to the top of her head and wrap himself fully around her. She never thought she'd be the type of woman who liked to cuddle, to allow a man to spend the night. But now she didn't know how to sleep without him.
Holding the pillow tighter, she imagined it was him that she was holding, only in his jersey and she wondered how long it would be until she was back in his arms. As she cried herself to sleep, she remembered what he said to her before she fell asleep that first night.
He felt her body relaxing against his, felt her succumbing to sleep and whispered, "You really do look good in my jersey babe…"
She yawned and sighed happily, "Good. Because I really am never giving it back. Best. Night. Ever."
She yawned again and he smiled, pressing his lips to her forehead, "Go to sleep Liv. I'll be right here when you wake up."
"I'm counting on it…" She whispered back.
If only he would be here in the morning…
Elliot drove Kathleen to school in the morning, still surprised he hadn't heard from Olivia. But he told himself he'd check in with her at work and everything would be fine. Putting the car in park, he turned to her and tried to smile, "We've reached our destination. If you enjoyed the ride, please make sure to book all your future travel needs with one Elliot Stabler. AKA your Father."
Kathleen's face split into a smile and she rolled her eyes, "Dad…"
Smirking, he reached out and squeezed her arm, "Just trying to cheer you up kid. I hate to see you so upset."
Kathleen frowned, leaned back in her chair and looked straight at him, "I'm sorry I ruined your night with Olivia last night…"
"Hey…" Reaching for her hand he pulled it into his lap, "Kathleen…you didn't ruin anything."
She laughed and wiped her tears away, "Yeah…you were both all dressed up. I ruined something."
"Kathleen, you are my daughter. You, your sisters and your brother come first. No matter what. You need me, I'm there. Doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with. That's my job as your Dad." He whispered.
Kathleen took a shaky breath, "Remember when we were little and the biggest problems we had were when Maureen and I couldn't share our barbies?"
Elliot laughed, "Those were your biggest problems sure. I had adult problems whether you realized it or not. So did your Mom."
"Well you very rarely let us see you seat Dad." She said with a smile, "Whenever you were upset…really upset I knew it was probably about work. I didn't understand it much back then but you'd get this look in your eyes when you looked at us…it was the only time I ever really saw you…"
His heart beat faster and he frowned, "Saw me what?"
Shrugging, she whispered, "Afraid…"
Clearing his throat, Elliot looked down at her hand in his, "That's because every victim I saw…I saw you, your sisters and your brother. Every time I got home, it was like I couldn't breathe until I knew that the four of you were safe. That it wasn't you that I was…"
Kathleen squeezed his hand back, "Dad…"
He waited a moment and then looked back up at her, "I know that I wasn't around a lot when you were little. That I missed things…a lot of things. But I just-"
"You help people. Every day." Kathleen whispered, "You save lives. You get justice for the people that need it most. And yeah…you had to make sacrifices but if you ask me…what you do is pretty damn amazing."
Elliot smiled and leaned closer to her, "Kathleen…'
"I'm glad that you had Olivia though. Someone to understand what you were dealing with. Someone to be there for you when we couldn't be." She whispered.
Olivia.
"Kathleen…I know that you are upset with your Mother. All of it is complicated. But as angry as I am right now…it is hard. Your Mother's life being married to me wasn't easy. She had to do a lot on her own. And my relationship with Olivia…" He cringed slightly, "I never cheated on your Mother…I never would have done that. Olivia wouldn't have done it either. But…I can't pretend-"
"I know." Kathleen whispered, "And there was a time where that was hard for me to understand and yeah maybe I was angry…" Shrugging, "But I'm old enough now to know that things happen Dad. You didn't go into this intentionally wanting to hurt anyone. You did the best you could."
Elliot smiled at her, "When did you grow up kid?"
Kathleen laughed, "Couldn't tell ya…but I can guarantee I'll screw something up sooner rather than later and you'll forget about this mature moment."
He chuckled and leaned in to kiss her cheek, "Kid, you can screw up a million times and I'll still be proud to be your Dad."
Kathleen smiled and reached for the handle, "That's good. Because I'm proud to be your daughter."
His heart jumped in his chest and he smiled, "You should go so you're not late."
Kathleen took a deep breath, "Everything is going to be okay, right?"
"Yes. In time it will be." He whispered, "I promise kid. We'll figure this out." He paused for a moment and then replied, "And no matter how angry you are…she's still your Mother. You only get one of those."
Sighing she nodded, "I'll…I'll talk to her tonight. But…if I need-"
"If you need me…I'll be there." He said with a smile, "Always."
Before opening the door, she leaned forward and kissed his cheek, "I love you Dad."
"Love you too kid." He replied, "Call me later."
Getting out of the car, she started to walk towards the school and then paused, turning to look at him again, "Oh…by the way…" She smiled softly at him, "I really am happy for you and Olivia…"
His face flushed and he whispered, "Thanks honey…we are happy."
"Good." She smiled, "Bye Dad."
Watching her go, he was struck by how grown up she looked. The years had gone by too fast. He wished he could make it all slow down, have a little more time with all four of his kids. Makeup for all the time he'd lost. Pulling the car out of the parking spot, he thought about Kathy being pregnant. It was a strange thought. He wasn't hurt. But it was strange to think that his children were going to have a sibling that had no connection to him. Their family was getting bigger, changing in different ways and it would be confusing for the kids.
But as he got to a red light he thought, hopefully that's not the only sibling they have. He wanted that. He wanted to see Olivia pregnant with their child. So if Kathy wanted that with someone else, then she should have it. But, she should also let him and Olivia experience the same thing. It was going to be complicated, but they had to find a way to make this work. They had too. There was no other choice. The kids deserved to be happy. And so did their parents so he had to find a way to get through to Kathy and make her see.
He wasn't letting Olivia go so one way or another Kathy was going to have to get the hell over it. Checking his phone, he frowned when he saw that he still had no messages from Olivia. As he drove to the precinct though, he knew he'd see her at her desk and everything would be okay. Because Olivia made everything better…she always did.
As he walked into the precinct, he spun his keys on his finger, feeling calmer by the second knowing he was going to see her. He greeted a few coworkers, looked around and his eyes fell on her desk but it was empty. Frowning, he scanned the room again, but still he didn't see her.
Walking to his desk, he sat down on the edge of it and looked over at John, "Hey. Liv in interrogation?"
John glanced up at him and shook his head, "No. Haven't seen her this morning."
Elliot glanced down at his watch, he had come in later this morning to make sure the kids were okay, "You haven't seen her?"
John turned to see Fin as he walked into the room, "Hey Fin, have you seen your partner today?"
Fin walked towards the coffee pot and shook his head, "No. Cragen said she wouldn't be in today."
Elliot stood up slowly, his heart started to race, "What do you mean she's not in today?"
Taking a sip of his coffee, he looked back at Elliot and shrugged, "I don't know. He just said I was flying solo today."
Elliot looked at her desk again, and then a sinking feeling took over his body. Turning on his heel, he walked towards his boss's office. He knocked on the door once and didn't even wait to be let in. Walking in, he saw Cragen on the phone, "Where's Liv?"
Don held his hand up, "Just a second Elliot…"
Elliot huffed, "Don-"
Cragen glared at him, "Yes. Alright. No, that's fine. I'll send someone over now. Thanks." Putting the phone down, he looked at Elliot again, "I-"
"Where is Olivia?" Elliot asked again, "Why isn't she here?"
Cragen sighed and stood up, "I got a call from Starr and she said that she needed to borrow Olivia. I thought it was just for the day…"
"Thought it was just for the day?" He moved further into the room, "Cragen what-"
"Excuse me?" A knock on the door startled them both, "Is there a Detective Stabler or Captain Donald Cragen here?"
Elliot ignored him, "Cragen…what are you-"
"I'm Captain Cragen. This is Detective Stabler." Don said, walking around the desk, "Can we help you?"
Holding out a stack of papers he smiled, "These are for you Captain. Agent Lewis needs you to sign them immediately and fax them to her to acknowledge Detective Benson's transfer."
"Transfer?" Elliot asked quickly, "What-what transfer?"
Cragen sighed and took the papers, "Elliot…"
"Oh and this is for you." He said holding out the coat, "Ms. Benson asked me specifically to give it to you."
Elliot looked down at the item in his hand and his heart dropped to his stomach. His coat. The very coat she had been wearing last night during their date. The coat that held the necklace he had given her with his badge number. Reaching out, he brought it closer to his body, "Where is she-"
"I'm not at liberty to say Detective. I'm sorry." He turned to Cragen, "Is there anything you need from me?"
Cragen looked at Elliot and knew that he only had a matter of seconds before Elliot went off the deep end, "Uh…no. I think that's everything."
As soon as he left the room, Elliot moved towards the desk and reached for Cragen's phone, "This has to be a joke."
His mind was reeling as he dialed her number. But this time, instead of her usual message, what he heard made him sick to his stomach.
We're sorry The number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service.
Elliot looked at Cragen quickly, "Tell me this is a joke…"
"I'm sorry Elliot…but she's gone." He whispered, "I wasn't sure how serious it was but-"
He dialed the number again, "No. This is an absolute- she's not-."
"Elliot…take a breath for a second." He said with a sigh, "I know that the two of you-"
"No. You don't know." He held his coat tighter and started to walk out of the room, "I'm going to her apartment."
Cragen followed him out towards the squad room, watching him grab his keys, "Elliot, she's not going to be there. She's gone-"
"She's not gone!" Elliot yelled, as he whipped around to glare at him, "She swore to me she wasn't…" His hands clenched around the coat, "She said she wasn't…"
"What's going on?" Fin asked as he and John walked closer to them.
Elliot didn't even bother to answer before storming out of the precinct, but Cragen sighed and looked at both men, "Cap?"
"I have a feeling Olivia ran…" He whispered sadly.
The three of them stood there knowing that this wasn't going to end well, it wasn't going to end well at all.
He had driven so fast, by the time he got there, he wasn't sure how he had gotten from point A to point B. But it didn't really matter. He slammed the car in park, flung open the car door and raced to the door, thankful that someone was walking in at the same time. He practically knocked them over before running to the elevator. The floors seemed to tick by at a snail's pace and he wanted to scream when someone climbed in beside him.
Feeling irritated, he jumped off at their floor and then ran up the remainder of the floors to her apartment. His fists pounded on the door, "Liv! Open up!" No answer. His hand pounded harder and he felt like he was going to be sick, "Olivia! Open the door!"
"What's with all the screaming?" A voice asked as they walked out to the hallway.
Elliot turned to look at Olivia's landlord, "Mr. Wilson, where is Olivia? I need to talk to her."
The older man sighed, "Some people came by and gave me rent for the next month and said she'd be back at some point."
Pressing his fingers against his temple he frowned, "At some point…some point what-"
"I don't ask a lot of questions Mr. Stabler." He said with a sigh, "Especially when it comes to her. She's barely here as it is, working all hours of the night. Although I will say she's been around more in the last few weeks…with you."
With you.
"Mr. Wilson I need to get into her apartment and-" He reached behind him to touch the wall, "I just…I need to get into her apartment."
"If it were anyone else I'd say no…but for you. Fine." He turned to walk to his apartment, "Hang on."
The longer he waited, the more he felt like he had to be in some alternate universe. Or maybe he was on some sick twisted show that played his worst nightmare. She promised. She swore she wasn't running. She had looked him in the eye last night and told him that she would see him tomorrow. That she wasn't going anywhere. After he had been shot, she had fallen to her knees, held his hand and told him she wanted him, that she was here and wasn't going anywhere.
He swallowed the lump in his throat as he watched her, "Olivia…"
"Your children need their Father…" She whispered in a cracked voice, "But I need you too."
He tugged gently on her hand, "Come here…"
Pulling herself up off the ground, she watched as he scooted across the bed, "El…you shouldn't-"
"I need you." He whispered, holding her hand tighter, "I just need you, okay?"
Staring into his eyes, she saw them gloss over with tears and she knew how hard it was for him to admit that, "Okay."
"Come here." He whispered again, "Please just come here and sit with me."
Kicking off her boots, she climbed up carefully and curled up against his uninjured side, "I'm here El. I'm right here." She pressed a hand to his chest, focusing on the steady beat of his heart as he dropped a kiss to her forehead, "And so are you…"
His eyes started to drift shut as the medication took over again, "You're here…"
Leaning her head back, she kissed his cheek, "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere ever again. I promise."
When the door to her apartment opened, he pushed his way in and moved from room to room, still not willing to believe that she was actually gone, "Liv! Olivia!"
The old man sighed, "You can stop yelling. She's not going to hear you."
He looked top to bottom, willing some sign of her to pop up. Hoping she left him something to reassure him but everything looked exactly as he had seen it last time he was here, except she was nowhere to be found. "Is everything okay?"
Elliot turned to look at him and frowned, "No. It isn't."
After pulling himself away from her apartment, he stumbled back to his car. Somehow he drove back to his own apartment, just going through the motions. He didn't really realize what he was doing as he reached for the coat in the passenger seat. He walked upstairs, not bothering to take the elevator. He heard a ringing in his ears as he fell down on the couch. This couldn't be real. She couldn't have left.
But of course she did. Because Kathy had scared her away. Kathy had made her think that she was never going to let this go. Olivia had seen Kathleen crying, seen the pain it was causing her and would cause the rest of his children. And he remembered that night in her apartment before he got shot…
"Elliot…" He stopped and looked at her, her voice cracked as she spoke, "It's over."
His shoulders slumped and he moved towards her, "Olivia…"
She put her hand up, "It's over…it has to be over. For your kids…for you. This is what's for the best." He sat down hard on the coffee table and she cringed, "You'll be fine. This thing…" She gestured between them, "It was fun but it was…it wasn't…it-"
He grabbed her hands quickly, "Stop." She tried to pull her hands away and he held them tighter, "Stop it."
She whimpered softly, "Please…please don't make this any harder than it has to be."
He shook his head adamantly, "Don't say that it wasn't…because it was and I know you know it was." He grimaced, "Why am I saying was? This isn't past tense. Because it's not over."
"Yes. It is." She whispered sadly, "Elliot…it is. It just has to be over."
"No. Fuck it doesn't have to be over." He stood up quickly and started to pace again, "It doesn't have to be over just because Kathy-"
"She's angry. And I can't say that I blame her. If I was her I'd probably hate me too." She said with a laugh, "She probably thinks we've been having sex for years and that-"
"Jesus Christ." He turned and looked at her, his patience failing, "But we weren't. We weren't Olivia. How many times do we have to talk about what everyone else thought? I don't fucking care what they thought! I'm tired of doing things for everyone else. When do I get to be happy?" He paused and looked at her, "Liv…when do you get to be happy?"
She smiled sadly and stood up, "Elliot…you can't be happy without your children. And I don't expect you to be. In fact I wouldn't want to be with you if you didn't want to fight for them."
"I can fight for both of you." He responded adamantly, "Olivia, no I can't be happy without them but I can't be happy without you either."
She wanted to scream, wanted to push him out the door because the longer he stayed the harder it got, "Yes. You can."
"Olivia…" He moved towards her and she backed away, and somehow he knew he'd already lost the fight, "You swore you wouldn't run from me."
"I'm not." She whispered softly, "I'm not running El. I'm just…making the choice easier for both of us. It's better this way."
Better this way. She thought it was better to walk away than to make his children suffer. Little did she know, she was making him suffer, breaking his heart piece by piece. Everything seemed like it was just at the tip of his fingers last night. He thought it was finally happening. Sadness pulled at his chest, and then it turned to anger. His eyes turned to look at the coat that the Agent had handed him and his body filled with rage.
Lifting it he tossed it on the back of the couch, not wanting to look at it, looking at it he'd remember the way she looked in it. The way she'd smiled at him as he made love to her on the roof. The way she'd promised she wasn't going anywhere. And yet…here he was. Completely alone again.
Leaning forward, he pressed his face into his hands and the tears came. They fell at the same time that the coat fell behind the couch with the letter still in the pocket…unread. And that's where it would stay for now…