Russell Charles Mercer died on July 17 1999. Mom as a complete mess, she would just walk around and not say a word to anyone. Ashley put all her time and energy on the funeral. But that was vintage Ashley doing things to distract herself so she wouldn't have to admit her true feelings.
After the funeral we went back to the house. I noticed Ashley looked extremely uncomfortable.
"You ok?" I asked
"There are just too many people in here it's kinda hard to breathe" she replied.
Ashley had suffered from claustrophobia her whole life so I knew that having this many people in one house must be killing her.
"Step outside for a while" I suggested.
She agreed to go sit on the porch.
Ashley sat absent-mindedly staring at the road. Out of us 4 kids Ashley was the closest to our father.
"You know I really hate ties" John said sitting down next to her.
Ashley didn't reply she just sat there looking into the distance.
"How are you holding up?" John asked.
"My father just died how do you think I'm holding up" Ashley replied not looking at him.
"The cold unfeeling act doesn't work on me, I know you so much better than that" John said.
"He was 54 years old" Ashley whispered "he still has so much to live for"
John wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into an embrace. She cried for the first time since dad had died.
"Let it out" John said rubbing her back.
"I'm mad at him for dying and I'm mad at myself for not being here more" she cried.
"He knew you loved him" John said.
"I don't know what I am going to do… mom is a mess and she can't even take care of herself anymore"
"You don't have to deal with this all on your own" John told her.
"Adrian is going back to New York and Maddie goes back to school and Lucas does his own thing. It's just going to be me and her" Ashley said.
"So are you moving back?" John asked.
"What other choice do I have mom has literally had a nervous breakdown to the point she can't even feed herself" she replied.
"I'm always here if you need me" he said.
"That's a nice offer but I can't accept that" Ashley said finally pulling away from him.
"Please don't close up on me again" John begged.
"I don't know what else to do I don't want to feel anymore" she said.
"What happened to us, we were almost something great" he said.
"Almost doesn't count John" Ashley said walking into the house.