Chapter twelve: reasons why not

After Remus had left Sirius stood there very confused. His confusion turned to hurt. Then his hurt turned to anger.

Who the hell does he think he is? Running off like that with out an explanation! He thought as he entered the Common Room.

"Hey, how'd it go?' James asked. He was standing behind the couch. "I just saw Moony come through here. He didn't say anything, just went up to the dorm. I was just gonna go up there myself," he told his friend. Sirius didn't say anything and walked past the other boy.

"Sirius? What happened?" James asked and grabbed Sirius's arm. Sirius whirled around so fast almost throwing James off balance. James could see how upset he was.

His face was contorted with barely contained rage but his eyes held a pained look and seemed to be fighting back tears.

"He. Didn't. Want. Me." he said. His voice low and strained, it seemed Sirius was fighting to keep it from cracking. His eyes almost lost the battle with their liquid adversaries.

James was not only taken back by the emotion in what he said, but by the words themselves.

"Wha-what?" he stammered. He couldn't believe it. From what Lily had told him about Remus he was head over broomstick about Sirius.

Sirius nodded curtly.

"I…kissed…him…and he…said…w-we…c-ca-cant…t-then he…ra-ran," he choked out. He was taking deep breaths between each word, as if they physically hurt him. His eyes had lost the battle and tears were streaking down his face. He looked so lost and miserable.

"Did…did he say…why?" James asked tentatively with a fair amount of trepidation. Sirius's features suddenly hardened. His lips set themselves into a hard line, his eyes darkened and all tear were gone from them. In fast harsh strokes he cleared their residue from his cheeks.

"No." he said his voice had an edge to it that James had never heard before. It was almost…lethal. "But I am going to find out," and with that he wretched his arm out of James's grasp and headed off toward the dormitory stairs. He was a man on a mission.

James stared after him for a moment. Then something occurred to him.

He might kill Moony and with that in mind James hurried after his friend.

Sirius stormed into the 6th year boy's dormitory. His eyes flashed as they landed on Remus who was sitting on his bed calmly reading a book in his lap.

Sirius stomped over and stopped in front of the werewolf's bed.

"Hello Sirius," the boy said politely not looking up, but his shoulders tensed visibly. Sirius just glared at him. His anger spiked at Remus's stoic tone. Remus looked up at his friend and inwardly flinched at the rage and hurt written into his features. He steeled himself for the explosion that was sure to come.

"what can I do for you Sirius?' he asked putting as much indifference and annoyance into his voice as he could manage.

"I," Sirius began fighting to keep from attacking the honey-haired Gryffindor in front of him. "Want to know why, why we can't," he said his voice even but he bit out the last word.

Remus shot a glance at James who was standing by the door.

"Can we talk about this later? I'm busy," he said in away he hoped would get Sirius to conceded, and stared pointedly at the book in his lap that he had been pretending to read when Sirius had come in. but he had underestimated the darker boy's fury.

Sirius grabbed the book out of Remus's hands and through it across the room where it hit the wall, inches from James's head and then thudded to the floor.

Remus slowly lifted his eyes from his lap and now-empty hands. If Sirius hadn't been so furious he would've run, wet his pants or both because staring out of Remus's amber orbs was the wolf and he sure as hell wasn't happy.

The two glared at each other for what seemed like an eternity but in reality was only a few moments. Their stares were heated and James was sure he saw sparks shooting between the two. Grey faded into amber and vice versa. They melded and glowed.

James was feeling very nervous. Once he found his voice he stammered out that he would see the two later and then made a hasty exit.

The pair stayed that way for some time after James had left. Remus was the first to break the silence.

"What do you want Sirius?" he asked softly but to Sirius he might as well have shouted. Sirius took a moment before he answered.

"You," he said lifting his chin to show he meant it and was proud. Remus sighed and shook his head his shoulder-length hair whipped across his eyes breaking their contact with Sirius's.

"Sirius," he said softly not looking at the boy in front of him.

"Remus," he replied in a way that dared Remus to say anything that was along the lines of a 'no'. "Ok, Remus, I get it I really do. You don't feel that way about me. Right? If that's true just say so and I will forget all this. We can just be friends." He said his eyes boring holes into Remus.

Remus knew what he had to do. It was for Sirius's own good. He couldn't possibly know what it meant to get involved with a werewolf. Also Remus had some selfish motives as well. He knew that Sirius would one day realize that he didn't love Remus. That it was just a fling. Sirius never stayed with anyone long. Remus would rather deal with the pain of love unrequited rather than love lost.

So Remus plucked up all his Gryffindor courage and pushed the lie out of his mouth. It felt dirty on his tongue and hateful on his lips. But he had to do it.

"No, I don't," he said, looking into Sirius's eyes to show his 'honesty'. He forced himself not to look away when he saw pain feel those dark orbs and bit down the guilt that rose knowing he put that hurt there.

Sirius's eyes grew as hard as the stone they resemble. His eyebrows lowered and his features stiffened.

"I don't believe you," he said in a deadly voice. Remus's mouth flew open in shock. He didn't know what to reply to something like that and even if he could get out another lie that he was indeed telling the truth he knew his voice would betray him. There was no way out. Sirius knew Remus did love him and he knew that he had just lied. He just didn't know why.

Remus sat there. His lips parted and were somewhere between opening to reply and shutting. His eyes lost focus as he fought and internal battle on what to do. But all thoughts were soon chased away by a light pressure on his lips.

Without thinking he returned the pressure. He felt warmth spread through his body and it only intensified when Sirius's tongue slid over his lips and into his mouth to dance with his own.

The kiss was full of passion, longing and love. Remus let himself fall in to the feel of Sirius's lips on his own. Their soft and alluring texture. He let himself revile in the feel of his tongue battling with Sirius's. He let himself enjoy exploring Sirius's mouth. Tasting him. He tasted like cinnamon. He let himself get lost in the electricity and emotion that was making his heart beat so hard he feared it would explode.

When their lungs cried for oxygen the two pulled apart panting. Remus's heart sank at the lost of the other boy's warm mouth. Only then did he realize that the warmth had spread throughout the rest of his body.

Sirius's eyes were sparkling and Remus knew it was with love.

"Tell me, that you didn't feel that." Sirius said his chest still heaving. He looked flushed and warm. Remus wanted that warmth. He felt oddly cold and empty now. He felt like crying. He turned his eyes away from Sirius.

"Yeah I felt it," he said in a whisper that was barely audible.

"Come again?" Sirius asked not being able to hear the other boy.

"I said I felt it, okay Dammit? Are you bloody well happy now?" Remus yelled, tears flowing freely from his face. "Why must you torture me so, mon amour? Pourqoui?"

Sirius felt like someone slapped him. He had never heard Remus curse like this, nor had he ever heard him speak French. He felt tears come to his own eyes.

"What? Oh Moony I –I don't want to hurt you. I love you," He said moving to place a hand on the other boy's shoulder.

"No, Sirius you don't! Stop saying that! You don't know what love is!" Remus shouted. As soon as he said it he wanted to take it back. Sirius went ridged. His eyes dulled and became empty. His face was void of all emotion. His voice was hollow and distant.

"Your right," he said, "I don't know what love is. I never experienced it. Not at home." his eyes flashed back to Remus. "I grew up in a world of hate and fear Moony. My parents hated me. Wished I had died at birth. And I am afraid that I will end up just like them. "

Remus didn't know what to say. Sirius continued.

"Did you know that I have nightmares when I am at home?"

Remus shook his head. He didn't know that.

"Yeah, it's always the same one. I become a Death Eater just like them…and I kill the one I love. I kill you Moony." He looked away, embarrassed. Silence stretched between them until Sirius spoke again.

"I don't have that nightmare here. I don't feel afraid when I am here. At first I thought it was because I felt at home here…but now I know why," he turned and looked back at the smaller boy. He gazed at him intently prompting Remus to ask what he eventually did.

"W-why?"

"It's you Moony," he says and smiles. "When I am around you the fear goes away. I, as cheesy as it sounds, feel like a better person just being near you. I feel like I can be more, do more then be a Black. You always had so much faith in me. You make me a better person, Moony. And whether or not anything comes out of this, I will love you forever for that. You saved me Remus, from me."

Remus was taken back by the speech. He had never heard Sirius talk that way. With such feeling and vulnerability. And he had never known that he had affected someone's life in a good way.

Remus smiled in spite of himself. He sniffled and whipped away the new tears that cascaded down his face. He loves Sirius so much.

That's why I can't let him love me. Remus told himself.

"Sirius we can't." He said, flinching at the sudden anger in Sirius's eyes.

"Why not, Remus? WHY THE HELL NOT!" he leapt up and began to pace. This boy is utterly infuriating. A voice in his head told him as he moved back and forth.

Remus watched Sirius's movements. His eyes followed every twitch of his arm, his ears picked up every swish of his robes and his heart broke every time Sirius walked away and skipped a beat when he came back.

He knew he wasn't being fair. Sirius deserved the right to know why. It's the least Remus could do.

"Sirius, the reasons why not," he took a deep breath, "are …complicated." He said finally. Sirius stopped his pacing and turned to the werewolf.

"I don't care. Just bloody well tell me," he yelled. Remus narrowed his eyes. He did not appreciate Sirius's forceful tone nor did Moony.

"Look Sirius, all this might as well be a bloody game to you but its real for me. My feelings are real and their not going to just vanish!" he snarled at the darker boy.

"Oh I get what you're saying. I am Sirius Black 'whore of Gryffindor' right? I am King Nail n' bail right? "He spat, he had hurt and anger lighting up his face like a Christmas tree. "Is that what you think of me? Is that how you see me? That's real nice Remus. I guess I am not the only one who doesn't know what love is either huh?"

Remus's eyes widen. He couldn't believe what Sirius had just said. And how much it had hurt.

"Yes well, I know your world all to well Sirius. The one of hate and fear for I too live in it, my parents fear me and I hate myself. And I am trying to protect you!" Sirius snorted at that.

"Stop your self sacrificing act Remus. It isn't fooling anyone. I know why you won't let me love you. You're afraid. You're afraid that someone will get close enough to break through that shell that you put around yourself."

"No I am not afraid. I should be. I should be bloody terrified but I'm not. I am not human enough to feel afraid. I am nothing but a monster, Sirius! Can't you see that? You think that the wolf only comes out on a full moon and then what? Sleeps peacefully until the next one?

That's not how it works. The beast is in me all the time. There in the back of my mind, influencing me, my decisions and my life. I am not a free man Sirius! I am condemned. Marked for a life of solitary, pain and hatred. I am dangerous and not bloody well worth anymore than that and I know it. I know I don't deserve what I want. I don't deserve love and I don't deserve you. I've been fooling myself."

Remus stopped his talking and stared at his hands. He didn't mean to unload all of his psychological baggage onto Sirius but it had felt good to confined with someone.

"Oh Remus, your so stupid for a smart guy," Sirius chuckled. Remus looked up stunned.

"You don't think I wouldn't know all this? I know that the wolf is always around, as is Padfoot and I know how much you must hate it. But Remus, no matter what, you have to remember that the wolf is just a part of you. Not who you are. Yeah it may be around all the time but so is Remus.

You're not a monster. You're beautiful and caring and the best person I have ever known. You care about everyone. You help whoever asks and have nothing but the best to say about anyone you meet. Even Snivillus and that is quite a challenge.

You're right. I might not know much about love, all I know is what you guys have taught me. And you have taught me what its like to be loved and belong. You guys are my family. You helped me realize what a real family is like just by being here for me. Loving me no matter what. And now I ask you Remus to teach me.

Teach me how to show you how my heart stops when I see you, how it aches when you're not around, and how it skips a beat when I hear you laugh. Teach me how to show you how the room lights up when you walk into it, how I feel like the world is a better place just because your near me, and how I feel like I can do anything as long as you believe in me. Teach me how to show you that no matter where you are a part of me is always with you.

Remus teach me how to show you how I want you, how I need you, and how I love you. Because I cant seem to find the words to say that you're the one I think about each day. You're my dream come true."

Remus's heart broke at those words. His resolve was crushed and he just couldn't pretend anymore. He knew that he will never be able to leave him behind.

"Oh Siri," he choked out through his sobs. He leaned forward and kissed the other boy. When he pulled back Sirius's cheeks were wet from Remus's tears and he was grinning wider than Remus had ever seen.

"Does that mean that you love me to?" he teased. Remus gave a weak and watery laugh and slapped his arm playfully.

"Yes! I love you, you idiot," he cried and through his arms around other boy. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus's waist and pulled him closer. They shared a long and sweet kiss that conveyed their love for each other better than they could say with words. Sirius pulled away and looked at the boy in his arms.

"Good," he replied huskily and kissed Remus's lightly swollen lips. He nipped his bottom one and it resulted with Sirius on his back and Remus pinning him down.

"Hey, keep in mind who the dominant male is here," The lighter boy said with a wolfish grin. It looked almost predatory.

"Of course Mon Chéri," Sirius said smirking as Remus's eyes sparkled.

"You know French?" he asked his voice tight with emotion.

"Don't get too excited. I only know a few terms of endearment, some curses and the rather lewd body parts."

Remus gave another predatory smile.

"That will do." And he commenced to snog the other boy senseless.

"MERLIN'S ARSE! Warn a guy would ya?" James yelled from the door. He had come up to see if the two were okay. He had not thought they would be in such a compromising position. He really did not need the image of Remus straddling and snogging Sirius. He was definitely scarred for life.

James quickly covered his eyes and backed out of the room. Remus and Sirius looked at each other and laughed. Once they regained their composure they sat in comfortable silence.

"He sure has horrible timing. Knows how to kill a mood," Remus said with mock- bitterness. Sirius snorted and they slipped back into the silence. Both just enjoying the other's company. It was Sirius this time that broke the quite.

"I didn't know you spoke French." He said turning to look at Remus.

"Oh yeah. I was born in France. We lived there until I was six." He said some what distracted.

"Why did you leave?" Sirius asked his curiosity was getting the better of him. He felt Remus tense up next to him. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he said quickly.

"No" Remus said. "I-I want to tell you. I was…bit …when I was six. We lived in a village in the south of France. I went in to the woods to get some herbs for my maman. I was told to be back by dark. But I, uh, got lost.

I was all turned around. I came across a clearing and was attracted by the moon light. I was afraid of the dark." Remus laughed bitterly at his childhood fear," I decided that I would sit there and wait for morning. I had been in the woods at night before and I thought I would be safe." His voice was soft and he turned watery eyes to Sirius though he didn't really focus on him, and gave a small smile that was more like a grimace.

"I had fallen asleep and the rustling of the bushes behind me woke me. I turned around and all I saw were two yellow eyes and long yellow teeth. It attacked me before I could do anything. It…b-bit me and then i-it left. When they found me the next morning they thought I was attacked by a normal wolf. That was until the first full moon. My first transformation.

My parents tried to keep it a secret. They took me to the clearing every full moon so I could transform. They told the villagers about wild animals in the forest at night so they would stay away. But eventually they found out. And we were forced to leave. My grand-mere still lives there. In that village. She was part of the mob that ran us out of town. I haven't seen her since but my parents visit her every now and then."

Sirius's heart broke in sympathy for Remus. Or was it empathy? Sirius knew all to well what it felt like to be hated. To be judged and pushed away. His grandmother stopped talking to him after he was sorted into Gryffindor.

"Did you know any English when you moved to England?" he asked hoping to lighten the conversation.

"Ah, no I did not. I read many books to learn it and then soon fell in love with them." he said with a wry smile. Sirius had to laugh, he looked so cute. He leaned forward and kissed him on the nose which caused Remus to giggle. It sounded musically to Sirius.

Remus looked up into the taller boy's face. He wondered how he got so lucky. What had he done to not only get the friendship of someone like Sirius but his love as well? Even though he was a werewolf and that implied that their life would not be easy Sirius had still chosen to love him.

But will he still once he knows the whole truth? Remus didn't know and the thought of Sirius leaving him now nearly tore him apart. He had to tell him. Had to tell him right now before it went any further.

"Sirius?"

"Yes, love?"

"I have something I need to tell you." Remus started not looking at the other boy. "See, with being a werewolf there are certain…obligation-" he said but was silenced by two fingers placed over his lips.

"I know, Moony." Sirius said. Remus looked up at him. Sirius's eyes were glowing and it warmed Remus to his core just to look into them.

"Y-you do?" he asked not sure if he was dreaming or not.

"Yes," Sirius chuckled and put his hand in the pocket of his robes. "And I have the solution to that right here,"

Remus's heart fell. He knew that Sirius had misunderstood him.

"Open your hand and close your eyes," he instructed and Remus did so. He opened his eyes once he felt a small object being placed on his palm. It was small and square and wrapped in gold wrapping paper.

"What's this?" he asked his heart in his throat.

"It's your Christmas present. I told you it would be late. Open it!" Sirius said smiling widely. Remus complied.

He peeled the golden paper carefully from the small package. He looked up in shock at his friend. Sirius just beamed and gestured for him to continue. Remus looked at the small black box. He opened it hesitantly.

Inside, nestled in on the velvet was a ring. It wasn't just a ring it was the most beautiful ring that Remus had ever seen. The band was made of white gold. And directly in the middle in a perfect circle was a moonstone. The light from the candles in the room glinted of its opalescent surface.

Remus ran a finger over it. He could feel the tears of appreciation well up in his eyes. Then Sirius spoke.

"I knew you couldn't have silver, and I thought that yellow gold would be rather pale compared to your hair. But then again, everything pales compared to you." He stated a bit embarrassed. "Also I had them put a moonstone in it. I thought it was appropriate and it is suppose to offer emotional balance, bring sweet dreams, Merlin knows you could use a few of those, and it…uh…also is a symbol of love." Sirius said blushing deeply.

Remus hadn't said anything. He had stared at the stone.

"Do you like?" Sirius asked after a while of silence. He shifted nervously.

"You gave me the moon." He whispered finally. Sirius let out a breath he had been holding and gave a small laugh.

"Well in a way yes. Yes I did." Remus finally looked up, his heart in his eyes. Sirius's breath caught and he was sure even the Slytherins in their dungeons could hear his heart pounding.

"Thank-you, Sirius." Remus said with a watery smile as his eyes welled with tears again. Sirius got up and wrapped the smaller boy in a tight hug. Remus buried his head into Sirius's shoulder, taking in his scent. The two pulled apart.

Sirius took the ring out of the box and slipped it onto his left ring finger. Remus smiled as the light hit it again and sent dancing rays of soft blue light around the room.

Sirius had never felt so happy. He doubted anything in the world would make him happier than he was at that moment.

"I know werewolves mate for life and well…I know that now that I have found you there will never be anyone else. I love you, Moony and I don't want to let you go." He said with absolute conviction.

Remus looked at him his eyes sparkling with love and tears.

"I wouldn't let you go if you tried," he laughed though he meant it. "Je t'aime, Padfoot. I love you."

"I'm so glad I found you, Remus" Sirius whispered.

"I'm glad you found me too, Sirius," Remus whispered back.

(A/n: I know some of the lines in this chapter sound familiar. Most of them are from the song 'dream come true' by s club 7. The phrases in French are;

Mon amour: my love

Pourqoui: why (for what reason)

Mon Chéri: my darling

Maman: mother

Grand-mere: grandmother

Je t'aime: I love you)

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