My knowledge of cricket comes mostly from a Twenty20 match a friend took me to, and earnest Wikipedia-trawling, but what are very silly exchanges for if not earnest Wikipedia-trawling?
"The Ravenclaw captain has elected to enforce the follow-on for the second innings, and I can't say I blame her, Gryffindor have been listless without Potter as opener. But it looks as if we'll have Fred and George Weasley batting first for Gryffindor. Here's the delivery from Kaur, the unorthodox left-hander. George makes contact but elects not to run—oh, never mind, Fred's making a run for it anyway, bad luck George, get moving. McGrath retrieves the ball and tries to put down George's wicket, but he'll...make it in there anyway! The Weasley twins score a single run and now they've changed ends, Kaur will bowl to Fred. Wait a minute, Madam Hooch is saying that's not Fred, that's George, Fred tried the old switcheroo while they were changing ends and Hooch says 'none of that now.'"
"Take a breather, Jordan, you don't need to talk yourself hoarse before teatime."
"I'll have tea whenever I like, Professor. You can Summon some up here, can't you?"
"Technically, that would be one of the exceptions to Gamp's Law."
"But if I'd nicked a Potion from Snape's cauldrons, you'd be able to Transfigure it into tea, wouldn't you? That's not creating or destroying any liquid, only changing its nature—"
"Jordan, I'm warning you—"
"Just a hypothetical situation, purely academic. Er, anyway, Fred Weasley batting now, he was dismissed in the first innings after a stumping from the wicket-keeper Hardy. Do you know what's been stumping me is this Gamp's Law business, does that apply to the way elves create food? I know they're exempt from a lot of the regulations around Apparition, but I don't know whether that's a Ministry matter or something about the way they use their magic."
"If you'd like to discuss this as it applies to your studies, I'd be happy to arrange for office hours with you, but I suggest we don't have this conversation on the microphone."
"I'm just saying, it'd be more interesting than History of Magic. For a bloke who was born three hundred years ago you'd think Binns would have more...spirit. Anyway, Kaur to deliver…"
"Bell slated to bowl the next overs, and Wood is going to rearrange some of his fielders. Potter comes in on the leg side, and Johnson will be sent deep so as to avoid bodyline tactics. I'm just saying, Johnson can play my bodyline any day."
"Jordan!"
"Flint currently the striker, and Malfoy the non-striker. Bit of an unusual partnership, Malfoy the opener and Flint the immense all-rounder, but they've combined for sixty-seven runs and counting so far. Bell bowls...oh, and Hooch has declared it wide! An extra run for Slytherin, I think that's a bit harsh, Flint's as big as a barn anyway, he could have reached that."
"If you're not able to focus on analysis rather than criticizing, or admiring, the physiques of your schoolmates, I'm going to need to mute you."
"The rain is probably making it difficult for the spectators, I think they appreciate the vivid imagery. But anyway, Bell tries again, and Flint...connects, this'll clear the boundary and it's hit for six. Seventy-four runs for Slytherin, none out. D'you think if they call this for rain it'll be while it's still too early to determine a result? The Arithmancy that goes into it is rubbish."
"Actually, the Muggles have been working on some non-magical ways of computing this, it's making trouble in their World Cup too."
"Have they really? Why is it that in Muggle Studies we always learn about warfare and oppression and inventive tools Muggles have come up with for killing each other but we don't learn how they keep cricket statistics without magic?"
"It's important to understand the context of the Statute of Secrecy, but also to recognize our duties towards our neighbors."
"It was a rhetorical question, Professor. Bell doing some drying charm now to try and get a grip on the ball. Of course the wickets strengthened with discarded wandwood so they'll be upright no matter the weather. But I must say, some of the gamesmanship in enchanting practice equipment has gone too far. I heard Lucius Malfoy bought Self-Blasting Balls for the Slytherin team to practice fielding, so they can all be in the field at once, but I don't really think they're worth the Galleons seeing how rubbish they've been. I mean, unless Flint cursed these balls so the Gryffindors can't get their fingers on them, which I wouldn't put past him."
"I will remind you that Madam Hooch is more than qualified to deal with any cases of foul play that may arise, and it's poor form to cast aspersions on other players' sportsmanship."
"Poor form! Is it poor form to point out that Bole needs a Point-Me spell to remember which wicket he's supposed to be facing? That Derrick's batting average is 26 but he probably can't count that high? That Flint's on pace to score more runs than anybody since 1874, but only because he's so thick he'll probably have to repeat a year?"
"Why don't you tell us some more about the 1874 record?"
"Well, Lucille Vandenberg was the Hufflepuff opener in her seventh year, she'd scored several centuries going into that season, and really none of the other sides had decent bowlers that year. The Slytherin pace expert was suspended for practicing underage magic on a football pitch, but he went on to become the Minister so I'd say he got the last laugh there. The Gryffindor orthodox fellow was ill with Dragon Pox, and the Ravenclaw spinner was actually Lucille's younger sister Philippa. Now some of the wizards were afraid Philippa would go easy on her to let her break the career record, but if anything their rivalry made Philippa more fired up to beat her—you could tell by the way she went after the other Hufflepuffs that she really wanted to win. It was just that Lucille knew all her tricks. So the last match of the season, Lucille was still batting even after six of the other Hufflepuffs had been dismissed, and—oh bloody hell, Flint's hit another boundary, the cheat—anyway..."
"Another spectactular six from Johnson! With the weather darkening—and I must say, the ruddy Dementors they keep on campus aren't doing anything for our moods—it looks as if...yes, Wood is going to make a declaration and make Ravenclaw bat so we can get a result in. I'd like to make a declaration that Johnson is not only a prodigious all-rounder, but very good-looking as well."
"Jordan! You are not permitted to objectify your classmates on a live microphone!"
"So commentary on the Dementor business is okay, then? Because if I'm allowed to discuss what a stupid, pointless, demoralizing Ministry policy it is...Well, let's hope Ravenclaw are dismissed quickly. Spinnet to bowl first against the opener Cho Chang, Wood of course the wicket-keeper, Potter out there in Mooncalf corner. Johnson playing aggressively in at silly point, although not as silly as a point as whoever argued in favor of sending Azkaban guards to school."
"...Bletchley will attempt to run on this one, but his counterpart Weasley puts down the wicket! A stumping for Bletchley, and that will bring Goyle to bat. Slytherin have had no success in this over, and the way Johnson's been bowling, I'd expect her to stay in for quite a spell. That is, unless these Slytherin goons try to cast some spell on her, the way they hexed Spinnet the other day."
"Jordan, please focus on the match at hand and not any extracurricular accidents."
"C'mon, Professor, it's bad enough with Umbridge telling us what we can and can't talk about. For those of you who weren't in the library when Alicia got cursed, and I know quite a few of you were—"
"Gregory Goyle now the striker."
"I think you'd be proud to know that so many of your students were dutifully working in the library, and therefore able to witness Alicia—who was revising her Herbology essay and not doing anything that would require wandwork—grow enormous eyebrows."
"Do you think I was born yesterday? Even the most junior faculty are well aware of Hogwarts students' ability to avoid their studies in the library, as well as the rest of the castle grounds."
"Er...sorry. Anyway, Goyle hits it weakly and won't try to run. Fine spin delivery from Johnson—Spinnet more of a pace bowler, somewhat ironically. And Goyle...flails hopelessly again! What a performance by Johnson, putting up a wicket maiden against a hapless Slytherin side! I'd like to take her maiden—"
"That's quite enough of that."
"Good morning, and welcome to the Gryffindor-Slytherin magical cricket match! It's a great honor to be here with you, I of course am a longtime fan of magical cricket. For instance, my father is one of the experts on the Grylligawl, a magical insect that's common prey for Bowtruckles. Grylligawls are known for their loud mating calls at sunrise and sunset, but also produce quieter buzzing noises when the moon appears at daytime..."