The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has been on a trip. This takes place after Photo Op.
Idiots Out Of Africa
"It's good to be…" Archer walked into the hallway of The Agency. "Back?"
There were some ruined wires coming out of the walls. There were empty bottles and empty pizza boxes everywhere. There were some burnt wastebaskets. Cheryl was in her underwear passed out. Cyril was staggering into the bathroom wearing only his underwear and carrying a bottle of scotch which he was drinking. Krieger was in his underwear carrying the unconscious Professor.
"Hey Archer," Krieger said. "How was the mission?"
"Good," Archer looked around. "Do I want to know what happened?"
"That depends," Krieger remarked. "What day is it?"
"Monday," Archer said.
"Oh," Krieger nodded. "Okay so we definitely blacked out after drinking too much celebrating so…Yeah. You don't want to know." He walked away.
"Suddenly I feel overdressed," Archer mused.
"I'm ba-ack!" Ray walked in. He was wearing a purple short sleeve exercise shirt, white and purple shorts, purple sneakers and a purple glove.
"Still overdressed," Archer remarked. "Hey Ray. Where have you been?"
"Where haven't I been?" Ray quipped. "How was Africa?"
"Pretty cool," Archer told him. "Except for you know? The poachers, the alligators, the snakes…The…(sniff!). Inevitable heartbreak. Sorry. Sorry. Still getting over Poko."
"Is that that new waiter at the Snug?" Ray asked.
"No, different Poko," Archer told him. "She's a gorilla."
"I don't judge," Ray waved. "I kind of like bears myself."
"I'm not even going to…" Archer sighed. "Man, I can't even come up with a decent comeback. It must be Monday!"
"Why is it hot as balls in here?" Ray looked around. "And why is everyone in their underwear? Did we miss a party?"
"Probably," Archer shrugged as they went to Mallory's office.
Pam was drinking along with Mallory. Pam was in her underwear while Mallory still wore her dress. Although Mallory's dress was sweat stained and she looked disheveled.
"Come on Ms. Archer," Pam waved a slice of pizza. "Have some breakfast pizza."
"No, thank you," Mallory drank some scotch from the bottle. "This is the most important meal of the day."
"Jesus Mother," Archer remarked. "I haven't seen you look this bad since that Thanksgiving with Timothy Leary."
Ray added. "It looks like you tried to re-enact Jonestown without the Kool-Aide."
"And it looks like you two…" Mallory paused. And stopped.
"Yes?" Ray put his hands on his hips.
"I can't even come up with a decent insult," Mallory grumbled as she took a drink. "It must be Monday."
"That is what my hangover is telling me," Pam agreed.
"What the hell happened?" Archer asked.
"Krieger made a sentient air conditioner that went all HAL on us," Pam explained. "Ms. Archer's idea."
"WHAT?" Archer gasped.
"Shocking," Ray rolled his eyes.
"Let me see if I get this straight," Archer blinked. "You purposely let Krieger make a sentient air conditioner? And it tried to kill you? Am I right?"
"I didn't know it would become sentient!" Mallory snapped.
"It's Krieger, Mother!" Archer snapped. "Of course, it was going to become sentient!"
"Here it comes," Ray remarked. "But go-ahead Archer. You've in the right for once."
"You almost brought about the robot apocalypse because you couldn't be bothered to pay a guy to fix a damn air conditioner!" Archer shouted. "I knew this would happen! CALLED IT!"
"He did," Pam shrugged. "Gotta give it to him."
"Oh, blow it out your ass Sterling!" Mallory snapped. "Besides isn't your so called new best friend Barry a robot?"
"Cyborg not a robot," Archer corrected. "He and Ray don't count. They both started out as human."
"Excuse me?" Ray snapped. "I'm still…partly human!"
"Barely even before the bionics were put in," Mallory grumbled.
"A machine doesn't have the same experiences or intelligence that a human has!" Archer snapped. "And that's its biggest flaw!"
"He's not wrong. We'd be dead by now if it wasn't for that intern that destroyed it," Pam explained.
"We had an intern?" Ray asked.
"Cheryl had an intern," Pam explained. "Who she fired after she saved our lives for talking."
"You fired the intern?" Archer was stunned. "Was she hot?"
"Pretty cute," Pam shrugged. "I do her."
"You do…" Mallory paused. "Pick a name in the phone book."
"I've done that," Pam admitted.
"And you just let Carol fire her?" Archer snapped at his mother. "Why? She sounds like someone around here we could actually use!"
"You know when Archer's the smart one," Ray began. "And comes up with the good ideas…No offense."
"No, I'm with you!" Archer looked at Ray. "Wait, where were you during all this?"
"Ms. Archer had me doing courier missions all week," Ray explained. "I was running all over half the Eastern seaboard."
"That explains the outfit," Archer nodded.
"Duh!" Ray waved. "Like I'm going to run in my good suits! Not to mention that would be suspicious!"
"Right," Archer nodded at Ray's brightly colored outfit. "Last thing you need is to draw attention to yourself."
"Man Archer," Pam realized. "You are getting smarter! Maybe the drinking and the coma didn't kill all your brain cells."
"And the ones that are left work twice as hard," Archer admitted. "I saw where you were going with that. Damn. Maybe I am getting smarter?"
"Look this weekend wasn't a total disaster," Mallory waved. "You caught some poachers and got the photos."
"We caught the poachers but I don't think we got any photos," Archer admitted. "Blame Sandra for slacking off with the camera!"
Mallory went on. "And the Purple Roadrunner here completed a few courier missions successfully."
"A few?" Ray snapped. "You had me do forty-seven courier missions in one week!"
"Oh, stop complaining," Mallory waved. "Half of them were in Washington DC! You got to tour the capitol for free!"
"Free my ass!" Ray snapped. "I had five drops in the Smithsonian in different areas on different days. Do you have any idea how expensive those tickets are?"
"Fine!" Mallory waved. "Give the recepts to Cyril. He'll work it into your expense report for the month."
"Already did," Ray told her. "As well as my hotel bills."
"Fine," Mallory looked at her computer. "Judging by these reviews we got it's worth it! Those courier missions may be small potatoes but if you do enough of them well, you get good ratings!"
"Where are we on GSW's ratings?" Archer asked.
"We've moved up to Number 17," Mallory shrugged. "Not bad."
"Hey considering a month ago we were Number 25 on a 25-spy agency list…" Archer began.
"Actually, that list is now 23," Mallory sighed. "It seems IIA has bought them out."
"Who went?" Ray asked.
"Some little dinky agency in the Netherlands," Mallory shrugged. "And…Spies With Thighs."
"Can we use the name?" Pam asked.
"No," Archer shook his head. "We don't want to associate our agency with their failure."
"Especially since we have more than enough of our own," Ray groaned. A noise got his attention. "What is that?"
"Oh right…" Archer realized. "You're gonna get a kick out of this. You know how Lana and animals don't get along?"
"She had a problem with the gorilla," Ray guessed.
"No, she and Poko got along pretty well considering," Archer shrugged. "The poisonous snake that bit her is another story."
"Who or what is a Poko?" Mallory asked.
"The baby gorilla," Archer sniffed. "Sorry. The wound is still fresh."
"Speaking of which what happened to Lana?" Ray gasped. "Is she okay?"
"Define okay," Archer remarked.
"Gonna take a lot to drag me away from you…" Lana was heard singing. "I bless the rains down in Africa…"
"The poison's gone but due to the remaining toxins in her blood Lana's going to be a little loopy for another 24 hours," Archer told them.
"Lana! Give him back!" Krieger called out. "HEY!"
"I SHALL HEAL YOU MY BROTHER!" Lana was heard shouting.
"What fresh hell is going on now?" Mallory groaned as they all went to look.
Lana had draped the Professor over a desk. She was moving her hands wildly. "I call upon the spirits of Africa to heal this man…" She said in a weird voice. "Shoobie…Doobie…Wah, wah…"
"Lana doesn't know any African languages, does she?" Ray sighed.
"Apparently not," Pam snickered as she ate some pizza.
"Cyril!" Krieger had opened the door to the men's room. "I need your help here!"
"BLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"Never mind," Krieger closed the door. "I see you're busy."
"I am not cleaning that up!" Ray looked at Mallory.
"I call upon the Earth!" Lana intoned.
"The Earth!" Cheryl squealed. She had woken up.
"Heal this man of his affliction!" Lana called out. "Ooga Chacka….Ooga Chacka…Ooga…Ooga chacka…I can't fight this feeling! Deep inside of me!"
"Wow," Archer blinked. "Stoned Lana is way more fun than Sober Lana."
"I'll have what she's having," Ray quipped.
"KRIEGER-SAN!" Mitsuko appeared. She was wearing a floral dress and a big hat. "We need to talk now! What's this about you trying to replace me with another computer?"
"Oh, now you decide to come home!" Krieger snapped. "Where were you when I called you last week?"
"Out!" Mitsuko snapped. "Having a life!"
"You're a freaking hologram!" Krieger shouted. "That I created!"
"Well that's just racist!" Mitsuko sniffed.
"I-I-I-I…" Lana sang drunkenly. "Hooked on a feeling!"
"I wonder if I can find that intern's number?" Mallory groaned as she went back to her desk. "And convince her to come back?"
"We must have a sacrifice to appease the gods!" Cheryl cackled. "Burn! BURN! BURN!"
"Cheryl stop burning the damn desk!" Pam shouted as the smoke alarm went off.
"I'll get the fire extinguisher!" Ray called out.
"I'M HOOKED ON A FEELING!" Lana sang.
"I'm glad I didn't miss this show!" Archer laughed.
"WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS WHEN YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MINE?" Mitsuko screamed.
"THAT'S IT!" Krieger shouted. "I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU FOR REAL THIS TIME!"
"What the hell?" Mallory sighed. "I'll even pay her! It's worth a shot!"