A.N. - All right, I'm feeling almost ridiculously pleased with myself. Not only did I get this chapter reviewed and edited (admittedly didn't need much) and complete the next chapter of 'Moments In Time', but I also finished up the first chapter of an Adaar/Josephine story that's been nagging at me. That's right, a hat trick in Snafu-land! Not sure when there'll be a repeat, but for now, I'm gonna just bask in the warm glow of accomplishment and treat myself to a weekend of Inquisition and Criminal Minds.
Thanks as always to those who read/fave/follow this story, with special thanks to those of you who take the time to review: KalenCaelli, JestaAOK11, Aeowyn99 & RachelBarbraBerry.
One Month Later
The Shadow Broker was no more.
She'd pushed her timeline ahead more than a bit, spurred by the growing link with Hannah, and that Friday, she had received her final report, placed Glyph under Specialist Traynor's command and turned her state-of-the-art equipment over to the young woman who had become one of the fastest rising stars in Alliance intelligence. Sam would see to it that the equipment and technology were used responsibly.
She'd been bracing herself for pangs of regret, but the feeling of a weight that she had not been aware of lifting from her shoulders instead had been exhilarating. She'd slept more soundly that night than she had in years.
On Saturday, they had gone shopping with Ashley and James: maternity clothes for Ash, baby furniture for Liara and Beth. Shepard's flat had three bedrooms. Liara had been moved into the guest bedroom; even after it had become apparent that Feron would not be returning to the flat they had shared, she had felt no desire to live there again. Beth had never asked, and when Liara had told her that she was letting the lease expire, had helped her move her things in, making room on walls and shelves without hesitation. The bedroom was Liara's now, painted the light teal that she had selected, pictures of Ilos and Prothean ruins on the walls; she'd insisted on paying her share of the rent, once she was no longer paying for the other one.
She'd put Feron's belongings in storage. Beth would have been just as happy to donate everything to charity, or simply burn it, but Liara didn't feel the same need for revenge. She pitied him more than anything else, though there was still a strong dose of fear. There had been no sign of him since that day in the park, no record of him leaving Earth, though he was quite capable of evading standard surveillance. She hoped that he would eventually find peace, but she accepted that she would likely never know.
Beth had moved her weights and exercise equipment out of the third bedroom, which was in the process of being transformed into a nursery. The walls had been painted a pale yellow, with brightly colored cartoon animals gamboling wherever you looked. Furniture was next, and they had narrowed their choices down to a set made of oak, the wood stained for a natural look, and one made from compressed polymer in colors as bright as the animals on the wall.
Liara preferred the wood, but she had not said so yet. Beth was still far too ready to cede to whatever she requested, and Liara was determined to find out what her friend's true preference was. The polymer was practical: easy to clean, durable and colorful. She could live with it, if that was what Beth wanted. Hannah was her child too, after all.
"Hungry?" Beth asked as she entered the living room and sank onto the sofa.
"Not yet." It had only been an hour since breakfast of eggs benedict, fresh melon, milk and juice, but the query was not premature. Hannah's steady growth had triggered an answering surge in her mother's appetite that, along with decreasing room for her stomach to expand, had Shepard making up to six smaller meals in a day. Plus whatever snacks Liara made for herself. It was more than a little embarrassing.
"You don't have to babysit me, you know," she told Shepard.
"It's not babysitting," Beth replied. "I like cooking."
"Still, there's no reason for you to spend the whole weekend waiting hand and foot on me," Liara said.
Beth looked puzzled. "Where else would I be?"
Questions like that made it hard for Liara to breathe. "I could think of several possibilities. When was the last time you had a date?" The goddess knew, it hadn't been since Liara moved in, and the asari was feeling guilty about it, guiltier still that she was enjoying having Shepard to herself.
Shepard frowned, brow furrowed in thought. "Can't remember," she announced at last, seeming unconcerned by the fact. "It was at least six months ago, I guess, and obviously it was less than impressive. Can't even remember his name."
"I'm sure there are more interesting people out there who would love to go out with you, Beth," Liara pushed her gently.
Shepard squirmed. "Never really been much for that scene, and now … they're all interested in 'Commander Shepard'. They want to talk about the war, the Reapers ..." She grimaced and shrugged. "I'd rather stay in. What's with the sudden interest in my social life? Did someone ask you out?"
Was that an edge of jealousy in her voice? "No." Liara shook her head, gesturing to her belly, which was on its way to exceeding her most pessimistic expectations. She was going to look like a whale at nine months. "A pregnant woman doesn't exactly scream 'available'."
She'd meant it to be humorous, but Beth looked guilty. "Liara, I'm sorry -"
"Don't," Liara stopped her. "I chose this freely, and I don't regret it. Feeling Hannah growing in me … I wouldn't give it up for anything. There will be time enough later for … other things."
Beth nodded, watching her closely. "Not all men are like Feron was," she offered quietly.
"I know that," Liara replied awkwardly. They had talked about many aspects of her life with Feron, but she had not yet been able to bring herself to divulge the aspects of her physical relationship with the drell. He had been her first lover – her only lover so far – and she was afraid that the dark games he had been obsessed with had left her scarred. He had humiliated her, dominated her, hurt her … but there had been physical pleasure and arousal mixed in with it, her body responding often against the will of her mind, confusing and shaming her. Would she ever be able to have a normal sexual relationship, or had her body become so conditioned to Feron's degradations that it would respond to nothing else? She shuddered inwardly. She would live a life of celibacy before she would return to that.
Beth was still watching her. She knew that there were details that Liara had not shared with her, but as with other things, she never pushed. "Or women," she suggested. "Maybe that would be easier -"
"Beth, I'm fine!" The words came out more sharply than she'd intended, because the one person – male or female – that she harbored any interest in was sitting beside her, urging her to become involved with someone else.
"I'm sorry." Beth stood, looking chastened. "It's none of my business, I know. I just worry about you, Lia."
"You don't have to be, Beth," Liara replied, reaching out to catch her hand, distressed at having caused her friend any pain. "I'm where I want to be right now."
"So am I," Beth said softly, brown eyes holding hers in a way that had her heart missing beats. She gently extricated her hand from Liara's grasp. "I'll go start lunch."
Liara was left in the living room, alone with the chaotic tumble of her thoughts. There were times – most of the time – when she thought she could be perfectly happy with the current state of platonic cohabitation, that they could raise Hannah Benezia together as the best of friends. But more and more, the lines felt blurred. Beth's arm around her shoulders, the way she reached out for Liara's hand as they walked, sat right beside her on the couch … did even the best of friends touch that way, that often?
Yesterday, she had been hard pressed to identify any differences between the way Ash and James walked together and the way she and Shepard did. The other pair kissed, yes, and certainly Beth didn't imitate Vega's habit of playfully pinching his wife's behind, but apart from that, any onlooker could have mistaken them for two couples on an outing. Certainly, the sales clerk at the baby furniture shop had, and while Beth had corrected her when she had called Liara Mrs. Shepard, she hadn't seemed embarrassed or upset at the error. Liara had caught Ash watching them speculatively more than once that afternoon, and even James had shot her a questioning look as they had left the shop, though whatever he had been about to say had been cut off by his wife's elbow in his side.
She was distracted from her ponderings by the sudden touch of a sleepy mind as Hannah stirred into the twilight world of semi-wakefulness where she was spending more and more time. The gossamer brush of her daughter's mind was more than enough to make Liara forget all about other matters. There were no words exchanged, for Hannah knew none; it was a pure and silent communion of emotion and sensation: love, contentment, warmth, safety, peace. Liara could have happily lost herself in the precious bond for hours on end.
"She's awake?" Liara opened her eyes to find Beth standing in the door to the kitchen, watching her and the scent of cinnamon, yeast and butter filling the air. She glanced at the clock, not at all surprised to find that better than half an hour had elapsed since she checked it last.
"She is,"she confirmed with a smile. "She's spending more and more time awake."
Beth nodded. "How's she doing?"
"Very well." Liara hadn't missed the faintly wistful tone or the yearning in Shepard's eyes. "Would you like to feel for yourself?"
"You can do that?" Beth asked, trying to be casual about it, not quite able to conceal her eagerness at the suggestion.
"Of course." Liara felt foolish for not thinking of it earlier. She hadn't joined her mind with Shepard's since the mating meld, and she felt a faint tremor of anxiety, but she wouldn't be hiding as much from Beth now as she had been then. And she wanted to make up for snapping at Beth before. "Just come sit beside me."
Shepard settled next to her on the couch. Liara shifted slightly so that they were facing each other, then took both of Beth's hands in her own, lacing her fingers with one and lifting the hem of her loose fitting blouse to place the other over the curve of her belly. For all the ease she seemed to feel regarding physical contact, Beth had rarely touched her stomach since she had started to show, which probably wouldn't have struck Liara as unusual were it not for the amazing array of total strangers who seemed to think nothing of doing just that, as if patting a pregnant asari's belly would bring good fortune.
She waited for Beth to still, watching her expectantly. She drew a steadying breath, caught between anxiety and anticipation. "Embrace eternity," she murmured.
As before – as always – the meld was smooth, effortless, but now, as they became they, there was another entity, hovering at the verge.
Hannah. Awe and wonder radiated from Beth, flowing through Liara, joining with her own emotions, amplifying them. She felt Beth reaching out to the tiny mind, felt a sudden surge of curiosity as their daughter became aware of the new presence.
She feels me! Beth's elation surged through them, sweeping Liara up in her joy, and then suddenly, as easily as the initial meld had been, they were three. It was a bond that Liara had heard of, the joining of both parents with a child, but it was rare, something she had never expected to experience, because it only occurred between bondmates and their offspring, and not even all bondmates, but Beth was not her bondmate, and -
The impossibility of the situation was quickly overwhelmed by the sweet reality of it, and Liara immersed herself in the bond, feeling Beth and their daughter learning each other, the bond weaving them even closer together with each synchronized heartbeat, every shared breath, and she could feel the warmth of amniotic fluid swirling against their skin, hear the steady rhythm of their heart, felt so safe and cared for and loved.
Loved.
She felt Beth's focus shift, realized too late that she had let some of her barriers slip, felt her surprise, felt also something new, something that she had never felt in any of their previous melds, and she broke the contact, ended the meld in a sudden flare of panic.
She opened her eyes, found Beth staring at her, brown eyes wide and stunned, but afire with an intensity that had never been there before. Shepard leaned in slowly, carefully, the brush of her lips gentle. That first kiss was everything that Liara had dreamed of: soft and tender, exploring and coaxing, ending briefly only to return, bolder now but still so very gentle that she could not help but respond, her lips parting to allow the delicate press of a warm tongue, meeting it with her own, feeling Shepard's arms sliding around her, drawing her closer as the kiss deepened.
No. She pulled back, struggling against the embrace. "Beth, please, don't!"
"I'm sorry!" Beth released her quickly and scooted back, looking alarmed and confused. "Lia, I'm sorry! What -"
"I can't, Beth!" She shook her head, almost overwhelmed by the bitter irony. She had wanted this for so long, but now - "I can't!"
"But … why?" Beth stared at her, the confusion in her face growing. "Liara, I l-"
"No." Liara cut her off before she could say the word. "No, you don't."
"Yes, I do!" Shepard protested, clearly baffled. "I love you, and you -" she faltered a bit, awareness sinking in as she processed what she had felt during the meld. "You've loved me for -"
"Four years," Liara finished for her, resigned. Her secret was out. "Four years, and in all that time, as many times as I have joined my mind to yours, I have never felt anything from you but friendship until today." She shook her head, refusing to cry. "Don't you see, Beth? It's not me you love. It's the baby."
"What?" Beth was looking at her as though she had taken leave of her senses. "No! I mean, of course, I love Hannah, but do you really think I'd -" She trailed off, looking as wounded as Liara had ever seen.
"Not deliberately, Beth. Many sentient species produce pheromones during pregnancy that serve to increase the attachment of a partner, which improves the chance for the survival of the offspring."
"Pheromones." The hurt and confusion on Shepard's face was rapidly being joined by irritation. She stood suddenly, pacing in agitation. "You honestly think that I can't tell the difference between my own feelings and a chemical reaction?"
"Then why?" Liara cried, frustration boiling over. "Why now, after all these years? Goddess, Beth, if I'd thought there was a chance you could feel that way about me, do you think I'd have ever let Feron -" She broke off, sagging in defeat. It was too late; she was damaged goods. The things Feron had done, the things she had allowed him to do … if Beth knew, she would turn away in disgust. She couldn't love Liara, not really, because she didn't know the ugly truth.
"Lia, please." Beth took a step forward, reaching out to Liara, her face a play of emotion: guilt, sorrow, and – the one thing Liara had never wanted to see – pity. "Just let me -"
"No!" Liara pulled away from her, gripped by an anger that she could neither explain nor control. "After all this time, I'm supposed to jump for joy because the great Commander Shepard finally considers me worthy of her affections?" Goddess, what was she saying? "Or is it because I'm no longer the Shadow Broker that you suddenly consider me worthwhile?"
"What?" Shepard stared at her, looking totally flummoxed now, but Liara didn't stop. Couldn't.
"I don't want your pity, Beth," she said coldly, turning away from her, her heart breaking. "Or your love. If I wasn't good enough for you before, I'm certainly not now. If it's a bedmate you're looking for, as I said before, I'm sure there are any number of people out there who would be happy to volunteer."
A long silence, then, "Do you really think that's all I want?"
"That's all you ever seemed to want before." In her belly, she felt Hannah stirring, disturbed by her mother's inner tumult. She placed her hands over the swell of her abdomen and tried to send reassuring thoughts.
"I -" Beth began, then faltered into another long silence that was broken by a beeping noise. "The cinnamon rolls are done," Shepard said tonelessly, retreating again to the kitchen.
The cinnamon rolls stayed on the counter, uneaten, for the rest of the day as Liara and Beth maneuvered around each other in awkward silence. Shepard's hurt and confusion were almost palpable, and Liara was miserable, still unable to understand what had made her say such horrible things, but also unable to free herself from the unreasoning anger that still roiled within her. Unable to trust herself not to lash out again, she stayed silent, eventually pleading fatigue and going to her room much earlier than usual.
She had not expected to be able to sleep, and she did not, but alone, she could finally release the tears that she had been restraining. What had happened? What was wrong with her? She had been offered the very thing she had so yearned for, and not only had she destroyed it, she had likely shattered her friendship with Beth, as well.
Shepard did not sleep, evidently did not even try. She wasn't overly noisy, but Liara could still hear her prowling restlessly through the flat, puttering in the kitchen. More than once, she paused outside Liara's door, but never came in, never spoke. Each time, Liara feigned sleep, and after many hours, she did drift into a fitful slumber plagued by dreams where she was back in the bed she had shared with Feron, bound but not gagged, calling him 'master', saying all the other things that he ordered her to say, telling him that she loved what he was doing to her, wanted more, even as tears ran down her face. The dreams weren't new, but for the first time, Beth was there, watching in disgust before turning away.
This is all you're fit for, Liara. This is what you deserve.
Those dreams gave way to others, where it was Beth in the bed with her, Beth's hands on her throat, Beth's voice calling her slut and worse as she did all the things that Feron had done, and when Liara finally struggled awake, she felt even more exhausted than she had when she had drifted off. Body and soul aching, she made her way to the kitchen and stopped in the doorway, staring.
Shepard was wearing her Alliance dress uniform, her hair back in the neat, tight bun that she'd worn when she was on duty. Glancing toward the living room, Liara saw her seabag leaning against the wall beside the door.
"Beth?" she said in a small voice.
Shepard turned when she spoke. Her face was tired, drawn, in sharp contrast to the crisp uniform and neat hair, and she wore a guarded expression that Liara had never seen before.
"Hackett asked me to be present at the dedication of the new joint military academy on Palaven," she said quietly. "Special forces groups from every species in Citadel space will be able to train together, learn each others weapons, techniques."
"That ... sounds useful," Liara managed to say, fear rising. "When ... when did he ask you?" She hadn't mentioned it before.
"Last week," Shepard admitted. "I wasn't going to go, but – Hey." Consternation touched her voice as the tears suddenly began spilling from Liara's eyes.
"Beth, I'm sorry," she murmured, her voice breaking. "I never should have said those horrible things. I just – just -" She turned away, despair trying to overwhelm her, because she still didn't understand why she had gotten so angry at Beth, and now it really was too late, because she had driven her away -
"Liara. Listen to me? Please?" Beth touched her shoulder, the lightest of pulls urging her to turn back around, and after a moment, she complied. "Lia, you're my best friend," Shepard told her earnestly. "That means more to me than anything, and I'll cut off an arm before I let myself hurt you again the way I managed to yesterday."
Liara shook her head. "Beth, that wasn't your fault -"
"Yes, it was," Shepard insisted. "Part of it, anyway … probably most of it. I think I know what I feel, but for your sake, Hannah's sake, I need to be sure. I need some time alone, to think, get my head together."
"How … how long?" Liara asked, dreading the answer.
"I'll be back Friday," Beth promised. "Four days, no more than that. And Lia? No matter what, if all you want from me now is friendship, then that's what it will be. You and Hannah are the most important things in the world to me, and I'll do whatever you need me to do."
Stay. Liara wanted to say it, couldn't. She made herself nod. "Be careful?"
"I will." Beth started to lean forward to kiss Liara's forehead, visibly stopped herself and stepped away, moving to the door and shouldering her seabag. "I'll see you Friday."
"Yes," Liara told her … but the sound of the door sliding closed sounded so very much like goodbye.
"How could I be such an idiot?"
"Do you really want me to answer that?"
"No. Not like I don't already know."
"Good, because I'd hate to have to beat it into you. You get a free pass this time because it wasn't you she was pissed at."
"Not that I'm not grateful to be spared a beating, but how do you figure that? It was damn sure me she was yelling at."
"That's because you're safe. She knows you're not going to slap her around for it. You think she'd have said any of that to that sack of shit? It's actually good to see her showing any spine at all."
"It didn't feel good. She's hurting, Aethyta. I did that to her."
"You ever had a soldier get a leg blown off?"
"Yes, but if that comparison is supposed to make me feel better -"
"I don't really give a shit how you feel, so how about you shut your trap and let me finish? A lot of times, they don't even feel it right away. The worst wounds don't hurt at first; that numbness is the body protecting the mind. The hurting doesn't start until they're safe, out of danger, and the healing has started. Then it hurts like a sonuvabitch."
"You didn't hear her, Aethyta. Crying in her sleep, talking to Feron … talking to me like I was … doing whatever the hell he did to her. I wanted to puke."
"Like I said, you're safe for her to be mad at. Give her time, she'll figure out who she's really pissed at. You are planning to come back, aren't you?"
"Of course, I am! By Friday."
"Good. I'm already hunting that fucking drell. I don't need another name on my list. I'll keep an eye on her."
"I talked to some of the others; they'll be dropping by, too."
"No drell on the list?"
"No. Kolyat's back on Kahje -"
"I don't need a fucking dossier. Just making sure there won't be any cases of mistaken identity."
"There won't be. Kasumi and Sam helped me program the security system. We got enough DNA from their flat to key it to him. He gets inside the perimeter of my flat, the place goes into lockdown, and he'd better hope that the police get there before any of the others on the alert list."
"And why am I not on the alert list?"
"Because I know damn good and well that you've got your own surveillance set up. Is my flat bugged?"
"Not inside. Didn't figure I needed to, but I might as well get this out of the way: Shepard, what are your intentions toward my daughter?"
"I – is what she said about the pheromones … could it be true?"
"Oh, sure … if you're a fucking tree shrew with a frontal lobe the size of a peanut. Which I'm beginning to think may be possible. You seriously believed that?"
"I'm a soldier, not a biologist, Aethyta. I was afraid of hurting her. She's the best friend I've ever had, and I love her. I just want her to be happy, and if that means that we can't ever be more than friends, I'll live with that, but no matter what, I'll take care of her and Hannah."
"Good enough for now. Go do what you gotta do, Shepard. I'll see if I can help her pull her head out of her ass while you're gone."
A.N. - I wanted to keep this story strictly from Liara's POV, which left me in a bit of a bind when it came to the scenes between Shepard & Aethyta, which I also wanted. The dialog only option was my solution, and I'm rather pleased with the way it works. It helps that Aethyta has a really, really strong personality that is relatively easy to get across in dialog.
We're about to embark on my favorite part of this story: the crew visitations. I've already got a roster lined up, but I'm going to try to flesh out some thin spots, so if anyone has any special requests or ideas, I'm open to suggestions!