Authors rant: I want to start off by thanking all of you for reading. A huge thanks goes out to Karli ( Life From Tragedy), Rissa, and Kendel (Miniature Disasters). Obviously this chapter is dedicated to Kendel for keeping me sane with other dramas.
I apologize for any gramatical/ spelling errors. If spell check doesn't get it, then I wouldn't either.
….4.…
"No, sweetie. Please sit down and color while mommy talks on the phone with Auntie Addi."
Addison smiled as she listened to her best friend, Kendel talk to her daughter, Charlotte Annily, better known as Bronte. Kendel had named her daughter after the Bronte sisters: Charlotte, Ann, and Emily. Addison adored her goddaughter.
"Auntie Addi! Auntie Addi!" "Bronte" Brenenn chanted in the back ground.
"You have my kid brainwashed, Shepherd."
"Boo-hoo. Its not my fault that she adores me."
Kendel chuckled softly. She often missed the banter between herself and her friend, but with Addison in Seattle what can you do?
" She's 3. A cartoon is her role model. So, what's up?"
"Do you remember the moment you looked into Bronte's eyes?"
"Of course. I saw the meaning of life in her eyes. The world suddenly made sense. I made sense," Kendel explained passionately. Her daughter was her world.
" I looked into a little boy's eyes today and everything made sense. Ken, he is the most beautiful little boy I have ever set eyes on."
"Addison-" Kendel sighed. She slid down from her perch on the couch arm to the couch.
"You're getting attached, aren't you? You know that--"
"His mother is young and has plans of putting him up for adoption. I over heard her talking to an adoption agency rep. I talked to the rep before I left for lunch.. "
"Addison," Kendel pleaded.
Addison bit her lip. She knew that tone well. When they were in college, Kendel would often plead with her to put down the books to sleep. It was the same tone Kendel used when Derek asked Addison out for the 7th time in an extravagant display of balloons that filled up their dorm room. It was the tone Kendel used when begging Addison to get out of bed after she miscarried. It was the tone she used when Addison locked herself in her bedroom after Derek left.
"Hear me out, Del, please?"
Kendel looked at her little girl and gave in. "Speak."
" I want to adopt him."
"Have you talked to Derek?"
Addison didn't answer her. She hung the mouth of the phone under her chin.
" How are the shrink sessions going?"
"We've made a lot of progress. We are all moved into the house. He's keeping the trailer, though."
"And the Meredith factor?"
" He still cares for her. He'll stare at her from time to time. He was in love with her, Del. Or thought he was. He told me that she reminded him of me."
"Are you guys stable enough for a child?"
"We're getting there.'
"Addison, getting there isn't going to be enough. You need to be stable if you expect to bring a child into your lives."
"I know that."
"Do you really? You're smart, Addi, but I think you may be jumping the gun."
"I know I'm being crazy, but Kendel, when I held him in my arms---."
"You're going to go after this child no matter what, aren't you?"
"Have you ever known me to back down from what I want?"
"What do you get the woman whose son you are living in sin with?" Cristina asked as she and Meredith browsed the women's section of Saks.
"I gave one mom a cookie jar, another mom a scarf, and the last mom a bottle of wine," Meredith replied simply.
"You've lived in sin a lot."
"Oh yeah."
"My mother would have never let me play with you as a child."
"My mother would have never let me play with me as a child."
Izzie made her way through her rounds while humming along to the Chemical Abrasion song in her head. She could not believe that she had kicked out a few of the hottest men she had ever laid eyes on.
"Layla. You break my heart in pieces. You tear my soul to shreds with all the lies, you told girl."
"I was so drunk when I wrote that," someone behind her commented. Izzie spun around to find Gavin Weslin following her.
"Gavin!" Izzie gasped in surprised.
"Never heard a beautiful woman say my name like that before."
"Is there something I can help you with?" Izzie blushed.
"Can you fill me in on Samantha's condition? The guys have threatened to castrate Mitch if he sets foot in her hospital room without her consent."
" Mr. Weslin, it is against hospital rules to divulge information."
"Please, Dr. Stevens."
Izzie had an idea. "Come with me," she said and pulled him down the hall. She was such a sucker for hot rock stars. "You can stand in while I brief Miss Moncrief."
George watched in confusion as Izzie walked off with the rock star. Life around him was becoming a plot out of a soap opera, a very twisted soap opera.
"You surgical interns sure get a lot of action up here. Maybe I should re-think my position as a pediatrician," Dr. Kimberly Alba observed. "Up here is where the syph outbreak started, right?"
"Is there I can something I can help you with, doctor?" George asked, changing the subject away from all things syph related.
"Someone was supposed to be down to see two of my patients over an hour ago. Maybe if you interns were so oversexed, you can get your job done."
"We are not oversexed!" George argued.
Kimberly laughed and shoved two charts into George's hands. "Give these to Bailey and let her know that if someone isn't down there in 30 minutes, Richart is calling Webber."
"No one's having sex!" he shouted as Kimberly retreated into the elevator. She shook her head at him and waved good-bye. George was beginning to find Dr. Alba to be very frustrating.
"Do you think George suits me?" Meredith asked. Cristina looked up from the rack of lingerie she was browsing.
"Do you want me to be honest?" Cristina retorted. She stuffed something eggplant colored and lace into the bag provided by the store.
"Yes," Meredith replied, folding a pajama set and inserting it into her own bag.
"George is too prissy. According to Webber, he looks like your father. Your own mother confused him for your father."
"How do you know that?"
"Burke said she kept calling him Thatcher. Face it, Meredith. There is something not right about you and George."
"He invited me to join him and his family for Christmas."
"Don't mention families and Christmas to me ever again. Burke has his heart set on me going with him. I hope something comes up."
"At least you have Christmas plans," Meredith pointed out.
" Can't we just perform surgeries all day, drink loads of liquor and pass out?"
" No. Life is not THAT simple."
Addison stood in front of the nursery watching the babies sleep. She told herself to continue walking, but she couldn't. She was drawn to the window like a moth to a flame.
"Dr. Shepherd, I have some paperwork for you to sign off on," Izzie said, appearing out of nowhere.
"Sure," Addison replied, absentminded. She took the different charts and signed them. Her eyes never left the set of blue eyes gazing at her intently.
"I want to adopt him, Derek," Addison confessed in the middle of the night. Derek sat up. He looked at Addison piqued.
"We can't adopt him, Addison."
"Why not?"
"Look at us! We aren't exactly the picture of marital bliss!" Derek snapped.
The idea of a child upset him. In fact, a lot of things were starting to upset him. It upset him that no matter how much he loved his wife, there were times where he felt it wasn't enough. It bothered him that he couldn't reach out to her in the early morning and pull her into a tight embrace. It disturbed him that he missed Meredith. With Meredith, things had been simple. Meredith didn't have the intricacy of Addison Montgomery.
Addison turned on her side. She felt her eyes water with the truth of her husband's words. Five months, she told herself. It had only been 5 months since he agreed to reconcile. And only eight months had passed since the night he found her with him. She sat up and grabbed her pillow and a blanket.
"Where are you going?"
"To sleep on the couch."
"Addison, you are being ridiculous!"
Addison was passed frustrated with the gap that stood between her and her husband.
"Maybe I am being ridiculous. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking of adopting that little boy, but something in my soul- -. Damn it, Derek! I am trying. I am trying so hard to live with the shadows. I hate myself for sleeping with Mark. I hate I didn't run after you. I hate that I can't talk to you like I used to. I hate that you still look at Meredith. I hate that we are in this situation. I hate that we were too busy for each other.- - I am in love with that baby. When I held him, when I looked into his eyes.. I found a peace I hadn't felt since I was pregnant. I hadn't felt that in love since the moment I looked into your eyes."
Addison slumped to the carpet in defeat. Her emotions had overthrown her again. It seemed that despite all their progress, they were still a mess.
Derek got out of bed and joined his wife on the floor.
"I love you, Addison. I hate that I can't say it as easily. I hate the situation. If I could go back in time, I would, but these are our cards. I know that you want that little boy, but I don't know if I can handle that."
"Hold him, Derek. Hold him and you will feel what I feel."
"I'm not so sure of that."
"I am."
Derek and Addison sat on the floor looking into space.
"I didn't have an actual affair."
"Addi, we don't have to--"
"No, I need to get this out. If I don't get this out we may never find our way back. The morning you came home was the only time Mark and I had slept together. I wasn't having an affair exactly."
Derek sat back with interest.
"While you were away Mark would come over, but it was never anything sexual. He'd come to keep me company or just to talk. You know what his love life was like. He'd often call to chat about a date gone wrong. Mark was the straight Will to my neurotic Grace."
"Why did you sleep with him?"
'I told you, Derek. Desperate people do desperate things for attentions. Haven't you ever felt so empty that you just need to feel something? Anything? Anything at all? I slept with Mark because I was so desperate to feel something."
Derek held her tighter. He understood better than she realized.
"I'll think about it."
Addisonleaned into the embrace. "Thank you."