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Chapter Four - Confessions from the Heart

They sat in unnerving and seemingly unending silence, neither knowing if they should be the first to speak. Robin watched as Patrick digested the information she had just told him, looking as if he had been punched in the gut. He opened his mouth to speak but there were no words.

Feeling the need to be the one who broke the silence, Robin quietly explained, "Stone led a rough life on the streets, involving drug use and unprotected sex, before he came to work for Sonny. At first, he tested negative for HIV but then we were both soon devastated to discover that he was HIV positive. And, having neglected to take the necessary six month retest, had a virulent form of full-blown AIDS."

"And so you are..." Patrick began, but couldn't seem to put the right words together.

Robin stared right through him, her will stronger than ever. "I'm HIV positive, but I am perfectly fine. My viral load is undetectable and has been for the last eight years."

Patrick dropped his eyes back down to his plate and then looked beyond her, staring out into the city lights beyond her window. "I don't know exactly what to say," he said, finally focusing his gaze back on Robin. "I mean, anything I could possibly say would sound rather trivial now and this isn't the time for trivial."

"I'll get your coat." Robin said, sliding off her barstool and moving past him into the living room. She was surprised when he caught her arm.

"Are you kicking me out?" He asked, holding her gaze.

"It's time to run for the hills, Dr. Drake." She said, gently freeing her arm from his light grasp. "I could draw you a map if you'd like, seeing that you're new around here."

Patrick shook his head and stood up, placing his tall frame between her and her intended destination. "Christ, Robin, I know you think I'm a jerk, but can't you give me any credit at all? I'm a doctor and a pretty smart guy. I can handle this." He said, then his voice softened. "If you'll let me."

"That just hasn't been my experience." Robin said, finally looking up at him with sad eyes. He now understood the emotions behind those eyes a little better.

Patrick raised his eyebrow at her and said, "Then I feel better knowing that I am not the biggest jerk you've ever met." Patrick took her arm and led her to the couch, sitting himself down next to her. "Talk to me."

"I don't know where to begin." She said softly, looking down at her nervous hands.

"With Stone." He said quietly, taking her hand and interlacing his fingers with hers. Not in a gesture of love, but in a gesture of comforting friendship. He gently stroked the back of her hand with his thumb. After a few more minutes, Robin began to speak.

"I still feel him with me, you know? Giving me the strength that he had at the end," Robin stopped, feeling an overwhelming sense of loss come over her. She held back the wave of emotion that threatened to drown her. "After finding out, Stone lived his remaining days to their fullest. He went bungee jumping, walked on stilts, and we even spent a night on the roof of ELQ under the stars. But at the end, he lost his sight and became bedridden, and went home to Sonny's penthouse to die." Robin's voice faltered a little and she felt Patrick squeeze her hand. "I got tested, too, and the first test was negative. But he begged me to be tested one more time before he died and that time, unfortunately, was when I tested positive for HIV. Stone was devastated, but faced both my illness and his own death bravely. He died, looking at me one last miraculous time, with me and Sonny and his other loved ones nearby." Robin looked up at Patrick, whose face was unreadable. "Dealing with Stone's illness and death had pulled Sonny and I close, and I grew to care for him deeply. That's why I am friends with him. In fact, Stone's passing left a lasting effect on the entire Port Charles community. Even my uncle Mac. I mean he was, at first, furious with Stone for having put me in danger. But later, uncle Mac came to admire Stone's courage, strength, and conviction in the face of adversity. After his death, he built the patch that represented Stone's memory in the AIDS Quilt."

"I'm sorry," Patrick whispered, his voice heavy with emotion. "I'm sorry that you had to go through all that. That you're still going through it."

Robin wiped a stray tear from her eye. "It's not so painful anymore. But sometimes I can't help but wonder how my life would be different if Stone had lived. Would I be the doctor I am today? Would we still be together?" Robin smiled and said, "I'd like to think so, on both accounts. Stone was my first, true love." Robin knew she'd never feel for anyone the way she did for him. Even her relationship with Jason paled in comparison to the depth of the emotion she'd felt for Stone.

Quietly, Patrick asked, "When you found out that your second test was positive, what was it like? I mean, how did you deal with it?"

Robin was glad he was interested in her reaction. Being a doctor, she would have thought he would be interested in the medical side of things. But, as she was learning, there was more to Patrick Drake than meets the eye. "I had what I thought was the normal emotions someone would have at the discovery of news like that." She said. "I was filled with this overwhelming sense of fear and guilt. It pulsed through my veins and corrupted my ability to move. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't hear. My body was paralyzed, but my mind was not. Questions continued to fill my head and I wanted to just break down and start crying until my eyes were too dry to release another drop. But Stone needed me to be strong and so I had to be."

Patrick leaned back against the sofa and turned to face her. He was quiet for a moment and then his trademark smirk returned to his face. "So this is why you keep trying so hard not to like me?" He asked, adding some humor to a tense situation. Robin laughed as he said, "Whew. I was afraid I had lost my edge or something."

"I'm so glad I could make you feel better." She said with a grin, thankful for how easy he had made the whole thing on her. She had never expected this kind of reaction from him...the sympathy, the understanding, and the laughter. But her voice got a bit more serious when she said, "Whenever I try to start a new relationship, my HIV status tends to become an issue. I'm not ashamed of being HIV positive, but I don't wear it like a badge because I know that it can complicate things."

Patrick looked at her and nodded in agreement as Robin continued, "That's why my research and being a doctor is so important to me. It's a daily reminder that awful things happen to everyone sometimes and when they do, you're left with a choice. You can either stay down or you can choose life. I choose life. And I help other people choose it, too, because I know how precious it can be. I was down for awhile, but I finally realized that you have to accept what's happened, grieve about it, start the healing process, and go on."

"You make it sound so easy." he said.

"I don't mean to. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I've learned that the things that once frightened me might not be so frightening after all."

"Like death?" He asked.

Robin nodded. "One day my tears of sorrow and self pity softly stopped and my heart began to heal itself. The human heart is amazing that way. My grief was interrupted one day by episodes of joy, and I heard the whisper of hope again." She smiled at him. "I'm alive. I'm healthy for the most part. I have friends and family who love me and are with me every step of the way. Some people aren't that lucky. That's why I do what I do...so people will know that they're not alone in their pain. That someone out there, even if it's just me, cares about them."

"The infamous Scorpio bedside manner." He teased, letting his eyes drift over her beautiful face. There was so much he didn't know about this woman and it was all becoming clearer. They were polar opposites. Her reaction to death was to pull closer to life. His was to detach from it. Except in one important area. One area where she was detached and he was not. "So, that's why a beautiful, smart, and intriguing girl like yourself watches other people's relationships from afar. By choice. Have you...?" Patrick began to ask, searching for the right words, and Robin immediately put him at ease.

"Yes." She said quietly. "I thought that part of my life was over, that I would never enjoy a man's touch ever again because I would be thinking about his safety. But, luckily, I was wrong."

"Jason?" He asked.

Again, Robin nodded. "He was the only man who's been able to see past the disease and saw me."

"Not the only guy." Patrick whispered seductively, leaning closer and taking her face in his hands.

Robin stiffened. "Don't."

"Why not? You don't still deny yourself pleasure, do you?" He asked, leaning even closer. Slowly inch by inch. He could see her body continue to tense and so he whispered soothing words, his breath warm and sweet on her skin.

His closeness was intoxicating to Robin, but she turned her head anyway. Placing her hands firmly on his muscled chest, she pushed him away and said, "Patrick, don't. I don't want your pity kisses."

His eyes never left hers, searching them for what lay beneath her protected surface. "Good. Because I'm not offering pity kisses." He said, leaning in again.

Again, she pushed him away and this time jumped off the couch. "This would just be the cherry on top for you, wouldn't it?" She asked, turning back to face him. "The ultimate notch in your bedpost."

"Could you stop speaking in cliches and come back and sit down?" He asked, a little confused by her reaction.

"You'd like that wouldn't you? To touch the untouchable me. To be able to bring sex back into the life of the sexless." Robin demanded, hot tears forming in her eyes. "That would make you the ultimate stud, wouldn't it? Cement your reputation for life." She walked to the door and yanked it open. "Sorry, Patrick, but I'm not that desperate."

Patrick just stared at her for a moment, then without a word he got up and walked toward the door he held open. "You know, Dr. Scorpio, for someone who is so smart, you can be a damned fool." Taking his coat, he walked past her into the hallway. Turning back, he said, "You're wrong about me. And I'm going to prove it to you."