December 24, Scranton office
A sprig of mistletoe hung above the office doorway, luring almost everyone to stand under it during the past few weeks. Michael had saved his attempt at mistletoe magic for this morning, when he waltzed in wearing reindeer antlers and a jumbo Christmas light necklace.
"Ho ho ho, Pam Beesly, you're not married to Jim yet, so why don't you come plant one on old Kris Kringle?"
"No." Pam gave an imploring look, "Michael, today's the day! You have to tell us who the baby shower is for."
"Oh, is that today?" Michael feigned forgetfulness.
"Yes, it's in four hours and seventeen minutes," Angela reminded sternly.
"Hmm. I could just make you all wait to see who shows up then."
"No sir, I don't think so! We've been planning this stupid thing for over two months, and you're driving us all crazy!" wailed Kelly.
"Yeah. I forgot to watch the Bachelor last night, I was so preoccupied with this," Kevin grumbled.
Taking a full, deep breath, Michael nodded a few times. "All right. Fair enough. You've all been very accommodating and helpful, and I've kept everyone in suspense long enough, so here it is," he squared his shoulders. "The party's for David and Robin Wallace."
There was nothing but blank stares, confused frowns, and awkward smiles among the crowd. Michael became agitated. "What, no reaction? No gasps of pure shock? No jaws dropping to the floor? I just revealed the most stunning secret in all of Dunder Mifflin's history, and you're all just standing there blinking? What's with you people?!"
"I don't know, Michael… it just seems odd," Pam began. "Aren't David's kids in high school?"
"Most people don't have a fifteen-year-gap between children," Jim pointed out.
"Are you sure the party's for them?" questioned Angela.
Rolling his eyes dramatically, Michael was beside himself. "So you don't believe me? This is just perfect. I hold onto this for nearly three months, dying a little inside each time I come here and have to keep silent, and this is the thanks I get. Skepticism. Rude!"
"We don't mean to offend you Michael, it's just that… you've been mistaken about so many things before," Phyllis gently reminded him. "Like when you locked the office because you were convinced a terrorist was entering the building."
"How many times are you gonna bring that up, Phyllis?" Michael shot back. "Okay, what's it gonna take? Do you need proof? Well, it just so happens I got some proof this past weekend. Here!"
Morbidly curious, Jim leaned forward to view Michael's outstretched smartphone. His eyes slowly grew round.
"Wow… that's - that's Robin all right, and she's definitely in the third trimester," he said incredulously.
"Yep, she's as big as that 5,000-square-foot mansion she and David live in," Michael declared.
Jim couldn't look away from the image of Robin sleeping on the couch. "How did you get this photo?"
"Oh, I just pretended to get lost on my way to the bathroom," Michael dismissively explained.
"No, I mean, what were you doing in David Wallace's house?"
"I was just getting my mail."
"Your mail?" Jim shook his head, perplexed.
"That's right, my blackmail!" Michael doubled over, laughing.
Realization descended upon Jim as he exchanged glances with everyone. "So you somehow found out about the baby – and I absolutely do not want to know how – and David asked you to keep it quiet?"
"I know, isn't it wild?" gasped Michael, still wheezing from his own joke. "David Wallace! His wife is like 50!"
"She is not 50," Pam insisted.
"Okay, maybe 49."
"Mm, I'd say more like 42 or 43," corrected Jim.
"But I know David is at least 45," Michael persisted.
"I don't believe that's correct," Dwight spoke up. "He's not any older than you."
Michael gave Dwight a withering look. "Et tu, Bratwurst? Well, whatever - either way, they're too old for this!"
"Too old to be having sex with their spouse?" asked Stanley.
"Too old to be ovulating?" tried Phyllis.
"Remind us how old you are, Michael?" Ryan joined in. "You still want kids someday, don't you?"
Michael's cheap grin vanished in an instant. Shoulders slumped, he marched into his office, closed the door, and remained in seclusion until the shower began immediately after lunch.
Dwight to interview camera:
"Women in the Schrute family have been known to have children well into their forties. Things get a little confusing when nieces are older than aunts, and grandparents are the same age as their grandchildren twice-removed. I once made the mistake of insulting my three-year-old great-uncle. It's been two years, and I'm still trying to get back on his good side… and back into his will."