The REAL events behind the death of Dumbledore. A story of intrigue, mystery, mollops and the secret lives of the portraits of Hogwarts. Yes, yes this is a parody of the most disturbing sort. Come and see and be frightened. So so frightened. Set post-HBP, mainly canon following. You have been warned.
A/N: This story is obviously owned by JK Rowling, or at least the content within. I do not own anyof the characters although I wish I knew them but that is different.The storyline of this insane parody belongsto mewho has given myself permission to post it .
(insert clip from HBP from when Dumbledore is thrown off tower by killing curse)
Snape's POV:
I hope you know what you're doing, you barmy old codger, Snape sent via occlumens / legillimens connection to Dumbledore as they stood off. Snape had just burst onto the scene of the Astronomy Tower, immediately taking in that Draco was unable to kill him and that Dumbledore was "dying". Of course this all was going exactly as they had expected. Both knew that Draco would be unable to kill Dumbledore, had counted on it actually.
Of course I know what I am doing you greasy git, just "kill" me so we can get on with it. Harry's off to the side under his invisibility cloak and I'm getting cold, Dumbledore sent back with a barely perceptible twinkle in his eye to show that he was playing with him. He was cramped, cold and hated holding the position he was in to show that he was weak and defenseless.
A flash of hatred ran through Severus' eyes as Dumbledore called him his hated nickname across the connection, even though he knew he was playing and it was just the push he needed. FINE, gawd, whiny old man, he shot back as he yelled the killing curse, being careful to modify his intent just enough to have it blast the man back and off the precipice, but not actually do anything worse than stun him; thus causing the spell on Harry to shake off.
Dumbledore's POV:
Wheeeeeeee, thanks Sev! Dumbledore shot back as he tumbled head over heals down the length of the astronomy tower. He counted to 5 and then cast a spell to soften the impact and landed gently on the ground on his back. He allowed the spinning in his head to stop before he stood and brushed himself off gracefully. Well, as gracefully as a 150-year old man could move.
He then glanced around making sure that Hagrid was out in the forest hunting down some of the attacking death eaters. He then saw the log that he had placed earlier behind a bush and summoned it to him. The log was roughly the size of a grown man and he quickly transfigured it into a doppelganger in his image, making sure that its limbs were properly splayed and broken and his glasses askew. That finished, he moved quickly across the grounds in the dead of night, knowing he wouldn't have much time before the fighting broke out of the castle.
He knew this of course because Dumbledore was anything but unprepared. Earlier that day he had used a time turner to go forward and then backward to make sure of the timing of all events. Ahhh, the privileges of being respected in the ministry. He of course had laid out all the props, the log and such, knowing exactly when he would need them. Now he moved behind Hagrid's hut, knowing that the window was open and Fang was present.
He gripped the sill of the window, and worked to heft himself up, his chicken-like legs flailing in the air as he managed to elbow up and throw himself in, tumbling to the floor next to Fang, who proceeded to lick him excessively. He used his beard to mop up the moisture and patted the dog fondly on the head. He then made his way over to the fireplace, glad that there was a fire already going and used the floo to get to his office.
He stepped gracefully out of the fireplace in his office, nodding politely to Fawkes while popping a lemon drop in his mouth before he stepped up onto his desk, using the gaudy chairs around it. He looked to his familiar as he gently grasped the glass door that was hanging open. "You know what to do, Fawkes. Thankfully you don't complain as much as Severus," he complimented. The bird cocked its head and looked at him, giving him a clear "you are absolutely insane" look but simply trilled at him, waiting until the old man had flailed his way INTO the open portrait before taking flight out an open window to do his Phoenix Song when Dumbledore's "body" was found.
Dumbledore huffed and puffed, attempting to catch his breath from the exertion from shimmying into the portrait opening and reached out, groping in the air till he managed to grab the end of the glass and pull it towards him. He then securely latched it from the inside and looked out around his previous office before noticing his new surroundings.
He had a wingback chair in front of the glass with a small side table next to it. Upon the table were two bowls; one containing his beloved lemon drops and the other containing the rather malicious licorice snaps. Behind the chair was a Hogwarts Crest-based tapestry and a perch for Fawkes when he showed up after the funeral. He smiled and noticed narrow corridors leading from either side of the small room he was allotted, which were designed to magically expand for the inhabitants of the portrait-world.
Of course he could leave the portrait at any time, but hell, who would want to? When the headmasters entered the portraits they stopped aging and would only continue to age if they left the portrait area. He adjusted himself and straightened himself up, waving to Phineas Nigellus who simply sneered at him and he looked up. He noticed by the clock that quite a bit of time had passed since he had entered the office and Minerva was due in the office at any moment to prepare for the conference with the ministry.
Like clockwork, Dumbledore heard the Gargoyle statue jump aside for Minerva and quickly moved to sit in his seat at the front of the portrait and pretended to be asleep, perfecting his snore right then and there. He thought he heard Phineas mutter "show-off", but dared not spare him a glance as Minerva walked into the office and appeared startled that he was indeed asleep in the portrait. She quickly wiped a tear away that trailed down her cheek and regained her composure as she moved to the desk and sat, preparing what she would say to the ministry and the governor's, a chill running down her spine at the terribly beautiful lament of Fawkes echoing through the grounds.