Note: This was originally started in the midst of an extremely boring physics lesson, and continued in an English lesson. You SHOULD like it, if not, see if we care! By me and manicpony24! I'm in bold, manicpony is in italic. Thoughts are in our own style and underlined. This is BOTH a/j and a/g, some for everyone! By the way, we have not influenced each other's writing at all, it is our own business, I will not change hers, it is all original! Word for word! So blame all the sick bits on her! Oh, and blame the displacement can on our physics teacher, he gave us the cans! I just looked at it and said, "hey, that looks like a…"
Chapter 1
If an innocent llama looked into a certain room in the Dancing Dove, they would see Alanna and George doing something not very nice under a giant book, whilst Jon smiled through a hole in the book.
"Brisingr!" shouted George, as a pillar the gold colour of his Gift shot through window of the book they we doing the not-very-nice-things under. Alanna stuck out her tongue at Jon.
"Don't look at me without my clothes on."
"But, my Gucci little giraffe, I have seen you naked trillions of times before!"
Jon ran away.
Half an hour later, Alanna arrived at the palace. The first the thing she said was, "Sorry Jon, I was lemon high."
Ten minutes later…
"But it's true!" Jon protested.
"Gah!" Alanna said, frustrated. "What's that?" she asked, pointing at a strange thing on the side.
"It's a displacement can," Jon told her, "but it looks like a…"
"Yeah, right, I get it!" Alanna said quickly, clamping her hand tightly over his mouth.
"Mphhrg, mmph mmphfrgg mmph!" Jon told her.
"What? The? Heck? Was? That?" Alanna asked.
What the heck. I think my alter egos are playing up. I alternate liking Jon and George every few hours. The only problem is that George is nicer. Oh phew, my George ego is back, but I am standing wearing not much looking at a can that has a spout that looks like a p-pp-p-p-p-, oh well, never mind… Oh no, Jon ego is coming back…
"Jon is preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeety!" Alanna shrieked. She launched herself into Jon's arms."…?" Jon said.
"I am preeeeeety too! You are…huh? Why am I talking to myself in my head? Hmm…"
"You have preeeeety eyes, and hair, and Gift. I am preeeetier than youuuu, but you are still preeeety! George is yucky, ewwwww!"
"What the f?" said Jon, as Alanna, who was a minute ago talking to herself, threw herself into his arms. He was about to give her a VERY long kiss when her George liking ego switched on. She ran away to the Dancing Dove, grabbed George, and ran out of the city, where they were confronted by Tamsin the elf goddess.Atra gulai un ilian tauthar ono un atra ono weise skolar dra rauhar. (Translation: May luck and happiness follow you and may you be a shield from danger.) A dwarf stood behind her. His name was Tutankhamen the dinosaur. He said, "Barzul, tronjheim, k ostha-merna, lly carnz orodum sheilven O' egraz carn." A translation would be: "Fuck, Helm of the Giants, foot-pool. It is your destiny, towards of bald one.
"I am not bald!" said George.
"He is crazy, but right," said Alanna.
"I can change all that!" the deity known as the llama goddess said as she appeared in a cloud of pink smoke and glitter in true goddess style. She zapped off all the hair on George's head with her magical Llama Powers.
"I am an all powerful goddess, worship me!" All of the mortals bowed, dropped to their knees, and chorused: "All hail the Llama Goddess!"
Oh dear, the Llama Goddess has used her power to suspend me in a neither a Jon or George killing maniac.
Faleron, the gorgeous time traveller got in Alanna's way. She stabbed him. In his last dying seconds he professed undying love to her. Then they, well, let's just say you wouldn't want to be watching them. Only George was. He hacked at Faleron's naked body. He died in Alanna's arms.
(Manicpony24: I am dramatic, aren't I?)
"What the…eww, Faleron! Yuck!" Alanna shrieked, disgusted.
Meep, isn't Jon so… Yay, Jon ego is bacckkk!
Alanna jumped into Jon's arms again and kissed him for a long time. A VERY long time.
Just then, she realised that was impossible, as Jon was in the city and she was in the woods. Suddenly she gave Faleron a last passionate kiss as Tamsin the elf goddess reappeared.
"It is the wydu (fate) of the Rogue, that he shall only marry a virgin. The elf turned her into a virgin. She went off and married George, but it is a law in Tortall that if you have an affair during your marriage, you are automatically divorced.
Twenty minutes later, Jon and Alanna were kissing passionately in the garden.
"Remember," said Alanna, "when I was a squire, with the moonlight and silliness. Remember how it could have turned out? Let's try it now…"
An hour later, the newly divorced Alanna said, "I'm hot,"
"I know you are," said Jon.
"Ha ha. Anyway, I think I'll have a shower."
"Showers haven't been invented, my pretty little tomato flavoured chocolate coated blueberry marshmallow flavoured muffin. Well, I'll join you anyway…"
"No way, you disgusting maggot flavoured potato."
She went to Liam, and…
Later that day, they visited Pirate Pegleg and the lady of Kennan. They were naming their baby.
"The Jolly Jane," said Pegleg.
"No, Cleon," said Lady Kennan.
"Ok," said Pegleg. Unfortunately, Pegleg thought the baby was a ship. He smashed a bottle of champagne over its head. Cleon died. A fragment of glass bounced against Liam's hollow brain, killing him. It hit Ralon the toddler who was walking by. His assassin's knife flew out of his belt and speared Thayet. She died. She fell into a vat of boiling oil. A drop splattered onto Legless (aka Legolas) the legless elf killing him. He killed Delia and in her dying moments she stabbed Josiane.
"Whooopsie daisy," said Alanna, and walked off.
A/N: Review, pleeeease!