Family Matters

by Fictatious

Roy fidgeted a pen in his hand, tapping it lightly against the desk as he responded. ‘Just to clarify, could you tell me exactly what I’ve done, sister dearest?’

Disclaimer babble. No ownership.

Family Matters

888

'Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang, please.'

'I'm sorry, ma'am, you're calling from an outside line and--'

'Connect me now.'

'Ma'am, I realize you may not be familiar with military procedure, but--'

'This is an urgent family matter and I need to speak to my brother immediately.'

'Oh... Um...' the operator paused, a bit thrown that this wasn't another of the Lieutenant Colonel's girlfriends. 'I... um... Okay, I'm going to send you through to another operator who can connect you. One moment please.'

Fingers tapped agitatedly on a plain wooden table in a sunny afternoon kitchen. Dinner was simmering on the stove and the shop would be closing shortly. There was another click at the other end of the line and operator number two picked up.

'How may I direct your call?'

'Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang, please.'

'It may take a moment to connect. Thank you for your patience, ma'am.'

Another period of dull white noise at the other end. Teeth ground.

'Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang.'

'You have got some nerve.'

There was another long pause on the other end, though the connection had not been switched this time. '... Iz--'

'I AUGHT TO COME RIGHT UP THERE AND BREAK YOUR SKINNY NECK! YOU DIRT-EATING, MAGOT-INFESTED PUSTUAL! HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU! IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU SELL YOUR OWN SOUL, BUT TO SEDUCE MY BOYS TO YOUR BOSOM! HOW DARE YOU!'

Roy held the phone at arms length, grimacing. The rest of the office looked at him in a puzzled way. Havoc mouthed 'girlfriend?' at him and Roy grimaced harder and shook his head.

'Hello, Izumi...' Roy said weakly, bringing the phone back to his ear as the tirade died down. He could hear agitated panting on the other end. 'How's Sig?'

'He's fine,' the voice obviously came through gritted teeth. 'You, on the other hand, will soon be in traction. If not six feet under.'

'Ah,' Roy nodded, though she couldn't see it. 'That would be unexpected.'

'I seriously doubt that. Did you think I wouldn't find out? You smarmy little bjtch, where do you get the nerve?'

Roy fidgeted a pen in his hand, tapping it lightly against the desk as he responded. 'Just to clarify, could you tell me exactly what I've done, sister dearest?'

'HOW DARE YOU PLAY INNOCENT! WHAT, IS MY PHONE TAPPED! AM I BEING SPIED ON! WHERE ARE YOUR GOONS HIDING! DOES IT JUST AMUSE YOU TO KEEP TABS ON ME OR WERE YOU JUST WAITING FOR THIS EXACT CIRCUMSTANCE TO POUNCE!'

Roy had abandoned his pen and ground his fist into his temple. His headache would turn into an outright migraine soon... 'Izumi, could you please just humor me and tell me what this is about?'

A string of shouted curses poured across the line and Roy had to hold the phone away for nearly two full minutes to let the woman get it out of her system (hopefully).

'You've hated everything I've done in the last ten years, Izumi, could you please tell me specifically what particular aspect of my life I am in trouble for now?' Roy pleaded when she'd calmed down again.

'... Edward Elric. My apprentice.'

Roy's mind was blank for a moment before it suddenly became very busy and his stomach dropped into his shoes. '... apprentice...?'

'YOU DISGUSTING, BOOT-LICKING, SHlT-FACED SKUNK!' the irate voice screamed from the other side. 'HOW DARE YOU PRETEND YOU DIDN'T KNOW!'

'... I didn't know...'

'LIKE HELL YOU DIDN'T!'

'I didn't!' Roy snapped. 'They sent me a letter four years ago and it got rerouted in the mail so many times it took more than two years to cross my desk! I found them by the letter! It had nothing to do with you!'

'You son of a bjtch...'

'Don't call mother that, Izumi, it's not nice.'

The comment earned Roy permanent hearing damage.

'Those are my kids, Roy. You had no right take them,' Izumi hissed.

'I just responded to a letter,' Roy snarled back, 'they came here on their own!'

'They wouldn't have done that! I taught them--'

'Well apparently you taught them too well because they fvcked themselves up worse than you! That's why they came to me! Because thanks to you and your training they managed to ruin their lives and maybe I'm just trying to help them or are you too high and mighty to even consider that?'

There was silence at the other end of line for a moment and then a click and the dial tone hummed away. Roy snarled at the phone and slammed it back down on the receiver.

Everyone in the office was staring at him with large, round eyes.

'What!' Roy snapped at them. 'Can't I have just one nice little conversation with my sister without you all listening in?'

The office quickly went back to work and Roy was very efficient and highly unpleasant the rest of the day.

888

Well look at them! They're exactly the same head slapped onto a different body! The eyes, the face shape, the color (skin, eyes, hair, all of it!), they're practically twins! Only one has a hell of a wrack... Anyway... came up in conversation while baking a pizza...