The more Zuko thought about his future, the more one thing became clear. Why can't I see it clearly? Looking forward to arriving in the Northern Water Tribe and getting rid of the water spirit once and for all was like looking through mist. He could envision stepping off a boat onto ice, surrounded by buildings made of ice, maybe some tents like he had seen at the South Pole. Beyond that - nothing. Just vague concepts of asking around. He couldn't anticipate who he would be asking or where he would find them, because he didn't know that much about the Northern Water Tribe. And beyond the asking of questions, he had no idea at all what he would be doing. The links between arriving there, getting rid of the water spirit, and going home were all missing. He couldn't clearly envision going home.

His vision of the future got even cloudier when he thought about arriving there without the Avatar. He could still envision stepping off a boat, but where would he get the boat from and how would he get it past the guards that the Northern Water Tribe must have? The link between going north and going to the Northern Water Tribe was broken, too.

Zuko ground his teeth. Before the water spirit, his ability to envision the future had worked. Tie up the Avatar, throw him in a hold, head to the Fire Nation, bring the Avatar out from the hold, Father's soldiers would take the boy away, and Father would wave away the soldiers detaining him and announce that he was free to roam as he pleased because he was no longer in exile. His vision was detailed, and the links between all the different events were clear.

What the water spirit had cost him most was certainty. Anything he planned could take sudden left or right turns depending on its whims, and its mysterious nature prevented him from planning very much. Great. All I have are rickety plans that could fall apart at the slightest touch. Just great. What am I supposed to do? Pick the slightly less broken one? The slightly less broken plan was the one where he went to the Northern Water Tribe with the Avatar. I can't do that. There's no way they'll let me travel with them now.

But… He didn't know for sure. They hadn't thrown his blanket at him and told him to get lost yet. That meant there still might be a chance. He was sure they would not want to even look at him. But how sure he was didn't seem to matter when it came to the Avatar. The boy always went against expectation.

Momo had curled up to nap at his side. Zuko looked down at the lemur. Traveling with the Avatar wasn't completely intolerable.

If I keep traveling with the most dangerous person in the world, word is going to get back home somehow. His hands curled into fists. Yet, if he went off on his own, his chances of returning home dropped to a fraction of their already dismal amount. Banished permanently by his father's decree? Kept forever adrift because the water spirit said so? It seemed that there was no good option.

If I do something impressive enough, I might change my father's mind about me. I will never change the water spirit's mind about anything. He groaned. It was clear what he had to do.

Momo lifted his head and looked up. His ear twitched. Zuko glared at him. "Don't even ask."

Momo sat up and looked around. He wasn't saying anything to Zuko, but Zuko kept looking at him in case he did. Why am I even considering going back? There is no way they want me around. It's impossible. I don't even want myself around, after what I did. Like a child… Like a stupid, foolish child, running to Mommy. I work so hard to get the water spirit out of my life, but the first time I get scared I run right back. I have no idea what I'm doing. There is nothing I can contribute, and they already hate me anyway. Why would I even bother?

An inner voice whispered, Because if you don't, that will be giving up.

Zuko swallowed. Giving up was wrong, unnatural, bad. The idea of it scared him. "Come on, Momo," he said as he stood up. "Let's get the groveling over with."

Momo flew back, and Zuko followed. Just before he came in sight of camp, he stopped. His legs seemed to be refusing his command all of a sudden. He looked down and was surprised to find that his breath was fast. He imagined eyes, the judgmental eyes of people, looking at him. They made him want to run back to his refuge all over again. I can't give up. This is the way forward. I have to keep moving. He forced his legs to move him forward again. As a small concession, he allowed his head to dip so that he couldn't see anybody as he walked into the dusty circle they called camp.

He was nonetheless aware of other people. He heard feet shuffling, a staff thunking into the dirt, a quiet snort from Appa. All of it seemed five times louder than usual. He could feel his face going blank and his tongue going numb as his insides curled up, hardening. He had to grovel now, before he lost the ability to. "I...want to apologize." Tighter and tighter he was curling up, hiding away inside himself where nothing could reach. "For everything." And there it was: gone. That was as much groveling as anyone was going to get.

He waited in silence. Now comes the part where they throw me out. He crossed his arms as the Avatar came up to him. The boy stopped close enough that Zuko could see him out of the corner of his eye. Any minute now. He began to relax internally. The Avatar was going to prove him right, he would leave, and that would be the end of-

"What was it like?"

Oh no. Zuko's first reaction was a flash of anger at the Avatar, for not allowing him to go and escape this torture. He still felt eyes on him, eyes that were surely hard and critical. He did not look back at them. "What was what like?"

"When the water spirit destroyed Zhao's ship."

It was what I was hoping for. The kind of relief you feel when someone saves you. Pathetic… "It was…" Great. It was great. Plates of metal flying everywhere- Focus! What do I say? "It was…" Oh no. I can't lie. I am a terrible liar. "Amazing."

The Avatar should have reared back in shock. What other reaction could anyone possibly have to such an admission? But he did not. "It was?"

Fine. I'll tell the whole truth, and then he'll kick me out. "Yeah," Zuko said. He untensed enough to allow emotion into his voice so the Avatar would know he was serious. "The water spirit sent metal plates flying like they were nothing. Zhao's mighty ship looked like a toy. I didn't have to worry about Zhao. I wasn't even angry. It was fun, like flying through the air just to see how fast you can go." Shivers tingled up and down his body as he remembered. The water spirit's power… Is bad! Nothing about it is good or useful! I hate it!

He was starting to twitch. Yes, he had enjoyed the destruction of dozens of people's livelihoods. The shame of that hit him like a hammer to the gut. But it was a more familiar, and therefore more tolerable, thing to feel than the strange limbo between forgiven and not forgiven that the Avatar was holding him in. Just admit you hate me and get it over with!

The Avatar said nothing. What do I have to do to get him to- Wait. Aren't I supposed to be hoping he allows me to stay? He barely cared. Nothing seemed important to Zuko but getting out of this situation as fast as possible. Every other concern might as well have not existed. He tightened his arms again, this time in agitation. Gaahh! The fire spirit flared inside. Any moment now he would have to throw fireballs at rocks. He would just have to.

"It doesn't feel like that for me," the Avatar said.

Zuko raised his head and glared at the boy. "What are you talking about?"

"When I'm in the Avatar State, I have all this bending power. But I can't enjoy it, because I'm always angry or hurt."

What is he doing? Is he trying to find common ground with me? The agitation decreased now that he had something to think about. "We're nothing alike," Zuko muttered. "You aren't in your right mind. I was."

The Avatar looked up at him sadly. "You were afraid too, when you first asked it to help."

Zuko looked away. "The water spirit is unnatural. It shouldn't do the things it does. You're supposed to be the Avatar."

The boy looked down too. "That doesn't help the people I hurt when I'm in that state."

I guess it doesn't. Zuko's eye twitched. This was the second time in as many days that he was unable to ignore some similarity between himself and the Avatar. That was obviously wrong. He had to say something to get away from this topic. But what?

Momo had perched on the Avatar's shoulder when he flew back to camp, and spent the entire discussion looking back and forth between them, raising and lowering his ears as appropriate. Now the lemur looked at Zuko, expecting the conversation to continue. Or I could just stop talking to the Avatar. That works too.

Momo blinked. "What do you think?" Zuko asked him. "Does the Avatar State look anything like what the water spirit does?"

Momo's ears flattened back. He clung to the Avatar's head and chattered. Both are big scary things.

Zuko didn't like that answer. "Really? Doesn't the Avatar State look any better?"

Momo curled his tail even tighter. If anything, the truth was the opposite.

"You're just saying that because you're a flier, aren't you? Of course air would scare you more than water. You can fly over water."

Momo's ears rose. He uncurled and straightened, looking more confidently over the Avatar's head. He tilted his head. Curious.

Zuko shook his head. Momo was too biased to tell him anything useful.

"Are you talking to Momo?" asked the Avatar.

"Yes."

"Uh…"

Momo flew off the Avatar's shoulders. He seemed to be looking for airborne insects. "He's a better conversationalist than you are," Zuko commented. Momo would never trap him into having a longer interaction than he wanted.

Looking up to see what Momo was doing allowed him to see the Avatar's two friends. That was a shock. Fortunately, the hard and critical looks they must have had were gone by now. "Where'd you learn to speak lemur?" Sokka asked.

"I didn't," Zuko replied.

"You had to at some point. You just talked to him!" Sokka gestured at Momo, who looked back from his perch.

"I don't speak lemur," Zuko insisted. "I speak a language that just happens to be very similar to lemur." The water spirit had always taken the form of a water dragon, basing itself off of Zuko's fantasies in a clever ploy to endear itself to him. Water dragons, as Zuko imagined them, had gills on the side of their head that could flare, flatten or twitch, barbels on their lower jaw that were long enough to function as arms, and fins that could express subtle moods. It wasn't hard to interpret Momo's ears, arms and tail the same way.

"Riiight." Sokka didn't believe that for a second. That was good, because there was no way Zuko would ever have told him what creature he had learned to talk to.

Katara's eyes narrowed. "Was Zhao right?"

Everyone turned to look at her. Zuko felt horror creep through his guts. Planning to turn on the Avatar just when he thinks I'm his friend. That's what Zhao said. I don't have any way to prove him wrong. I...don't know if he was wrong.

"I don't know," Zuko said. "I wasn't lying when I said I haven't thought that far."

"You haven't thought about what you'll do after you kill the water spirit?"

Zuko flushed. The way she says it makes me sound like an incompetent idiot. "How could I?" he retorted. "I have no idea what I'll need to defeat the water spirit in the first place."

Katara looked away. Zuko had won, but only by admitting that not even he thought he was likely to succeed at his own mission. Zuko flushed harder. It doesn't matter! It's just what I have to do! Could she stop making what I have to do sound so stupid?

He was already humiliated, and he'd barely managed to get out a single sentence of groveling. Zuko looked down at the ground and pushed himself for one last burst of effort. "Look, I… don't know what I'll find when I get to the North Pole, or what will happen. But I know that without you guys, I might not ever make it there. It was stupid to call on the water spirit. Its power is too dangerous, and I wish I'd thought of another way. I will never do that again. And I won't question your decisions, and I won't complain so much. I'm sorry."

Ugh. I sound like I'm about to kowtow to him. Zuko did not debase himself that much. He still had scraps of honor to maintain. He stared at the ground with his eyes narrowed so he couldn't see anybody, and hoped he hadn't just pleaded away the last of his dignity for nothing.

Iroh smiled. The Avatar's eyes lit up. He stepped forward so that no amount of looking at the ground could keep Zuko from seeing him, and held out a hand. "Pinky swear?"

Zuko clenched his hand and moved it away. "Sure."

The Avatar took his hand back. "That's a promise. Now you have to do everything you said."

Zuko closed his eyes as he grimaced. "Yeah."

He heard the thunk of the Avatar's staff hitting the ground. "Appa's hungry and still a little scared. We're going to get him some hay and give him a bath."

Zuko forced himself to breathe normally. Without saying a word, he walked over to the bison. It watched him, tracking him with one enormous eye. He patted it near its nose. The bison relaxed. With one move of his hand, he accomplished with a beast what it took a large, humiliating admission of subservience to accomplish with people.

He looked over the side of the saddle as they took off. Calling on the water spirit was a big, big mistake. The water spirit was just too big and too powerful. It didn't belong in the human world. There was no way it could have a place.

And if it couldn't, neither could Zuko. They'll dump me in a second if they figure out I'm the one it's following. Its existence endangered his very ability to be a person. The water spirit, too, liked having the whole ocean to itself. If he could drive it away forever, that would be best for everyone.

He closed his eyes. There was a silver lining to this whole incident. Now he knew exactly how damaging the water spirit really was. It was one almost-kowtow's worth of a blow to his reputation. I must never ask it to reveal itself again. Ever.

I can never deal with spirits or talk with them, or even talk about them. They cannot have a place in my life. I can't believe I needed to be reminded why. For all the Avatar talked about it as being a friend, did I really think they could ever accept it for real? No. Nobody could ever accept a spirit.

I have to get rid of it as fast as I can before it drags me down with it.