A/N- okies, third instalment:
Monty Python's Life of Brian!
… or rather for this production: Demi-goddess' Life of Bryan!
Indeed, Bryan is in the spotlight once more; ain't I lovely? I just love him so…
Warnings: this is, how to say… MP's Brian took the Michael out of the ancient Jews, so in a way, this does, but this is modern, so it technically isn't the same… Hint of Yaoi (I can't live without it) but way minor! You can read on peacefully even if you dun like Yaoi…
It was an almost silent night in Moscow. No one wandered the streets. No lights were on… apart from on one building…
The Moscow Abbey had one light on and a form by the window was silhouetted by the illumination. A scowl was permanently plastered on Boris Balcov's face.
"Damn bitch… had to have a kid and had to have it here." He turned around and looked at the mess of blankets which held a gurgling baby. He walked over to it and glared at the child. "'Call him Bryan…'" He impersonated a woman's voice. "Pah, pathetic. Fine, your name is Bryan; it sounds like a strong name…" He sat and removed his goggles, rubbing his tired eyes. "I have a tough life, you know kid… and knowing fate, you will too. Pah; look at you… clear lilac eyes, not so chubby face… don't look at me like that." Baby Bryan hiccoughed and gurgled. "Oh, for Christ's sake, why do you have to be so darn cute?"
There was a knock at the door.
"Do you mind! I'm trying to bribe a baby into liking me in later life!"
There was another knock. Baby Bryan began to cry.
"Oh, you fucking idiots…" Boris cursed and he stood, walking over to the door and yanking it open to be met with three strange men. "Who the hell are you?"
"We are three wise men." One of them said.
"Wise? You don't look wise to me. You look like poofs." Boris replied. "And next time, try to be a little more modest…"
"We are astrologers." Another said.
"…" Boris blinked. "What has that got to do with it?"
"We come to pay the infant homage." The third said.
"How do you there's an infant in here? Are you some group of stalker-perverted paedophiles? You're drunk! You disgust me!" Boris began to shoo them out the room fully. "Bursting in here first thing in the morning with some tale about Oriental fortune tellers... get out!"
"No. No we must see him." The first insisted.
"Go and praise someone else's brat, go on." Boris shouted.
"We were led by a star!" The second tried.
"Led by a bottle, more like. Get out!"
" But we have brought gold, frankincense, myrrh!"
"Well, why didn't you say so?" Boris asked, stepping aside and letting them in. He took the gifts off the men as they made their way over to baby Bryan. "What is Myrrh, anyway?"
"It is a balm."
"A BOMB?" Boris exclaimed, mishearing the wise man. "What are you doing giving him a bomb? Yeah, I'm going to train him to be a killer, but not when he's a freaking baby! He might blow up!"
"No, a balm. An ointment." The second man corrected.
"Sorry, I thought you meant bomb. Ignore all the killer business." Boris nervously laughed it off. "So, you're astrologers, eh? So what is he?"
"What?"
"What sign?"
"Um… Capricorn." The third answered.
"Uh-huh… what are they like, then?" Boris asked, examining the gold.
"He is the Son of the Great Spirits! Our King! The Messiah!" The first said, tickling baby Bryan, who giggled.
"Eh, and that's Capricorn, is it?" Boris asked, now leaning over the men and looking at baby Bryan.
"No, no. That's just him." The second corrected.
"Oh, I was about to say! If that was Capricorn, you'd have loads of kings!"
There was a pause while the wise men went down on their knees to pray-
"By what are you calling the child?" The third asked. "By what name has the Lord given him?"
'So the bitch was the lord? She looked a bit male-ish to me…'
"Bryan. With a 'y'."
"We worship you, Oh, Bryan-with-a-'y', who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you, Bryan-with-a-'y', and to the Lord our Father. Amen."
"Do you do a lot of this, then?" Boris asked.
"What?"
"This praising?"
"Oh, no, no."
"Oh, well, ehm, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, huh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, ahm, but don't worry too much about the myrrh the next time, all right? Thank you! Goodbye!" And Boris led them out, closing the door behind them. He turned to baby Bryan. "Well, weren't they nice… okay, I admit it; you're the best thing since sliced bread and you're not a brat; happy, now?" Baby Bryan clapped his hands. But suddenly, there were angry bangs at the door.
"Open up!" An fuming voice called through.
Boris pushed back with his body weight. "Bloody babies… everyone wants one!"
'Bryan ... the babe they called Bryan
He grew ... grew-grew and grew, grew up to be
A boy called Bryan
A boy called Bryan
He had arms… and legs… and hands… and feet!
This boy whose name was Bryan
And he grew, grew, grew and grew
Grew up to be
Yes he grew up to be
A teenager called Bryan
A teenager called Bryan
And his face became spotty
Yes his face became spotty
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Bryan and show
He was certainly no
No girl named Bryan
Not a girl named Bryan
And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And go out and get pissed
This man called Bryan
This man called Bryan'"How blessed are those who know that he's of God. How blessed are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation. How blessed are those of gentle spirit; they shall have the earth for their possession. How blessed are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail; they shall be satisfied. How blessed are those whose hearts are pure; they shall see God!"
"Speak up!" A redhead shouted.
"Sh, quiet!" Bryan cursed.
"Well, I can't hear a thing. Let's go to a stoning!"
"Sh!" A kid of Bryan's age with a large nose said to the two.
"You can go to a stoning anytime, Tala!" Bryan protested, ignoring the large-nosed kid.
"Ah, come on, Bryan!" Tala whined.
"Will you be quiet!" The large nosed kid said to the two again.
"Don't pick your nose, Ian!" A chunky blonde scolded.
"I wasn't picking my nose, Spencer!" Ian objected. "I was scratching it!"
"You were picking it while you was talking to that kid!" Spencer responded.
"I wasn't!"
"Leave it alone! Give it a rest!"
"Do you mind?" A teen of Bryan's age with two-toned hair snapped. "I can't hear a word he's saying."
"Don't you 'do you mind' me, Kai! I was talking to Ian!"
"Well, can't you talk to him somewhere else?" Kai asked. "I can't hear a bloody
thing!"
"Don't you swear at him!" Ian shouted.
"Well, I was only asking him to shut up so that I can hear what he's saying, Bignose!"
"Don't you call him 'Bignose'!" Spencer retorted.
"Well, he has got a big nose." Kai pointed out.
"Could you be quiet, please?" A random teen asked. "What was that he said?"
"I don't know," Kai replied, "I was too busy talking to Bignose!"
"I think it was 'Blessed are the cheesemakers'." Tala said.
"What's so special about the cheesemakers?" Kai asked forgetting about Ian.
"Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally;" Bryan said, matter-of-factly. "It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products, including livestock."
"See, if you hadn't been going on we'd have heard that, Bignose." Kai snapped.
"Hey, say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in!" Ian threatened.
"Oh, better keep listening, might be a bit about 'Blessed are the Bignoses'."
"Oh, lay off him!" Bryan said in an exasperated voice.
"Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conkface. Where are you two from? Nose City?" Kai continued.
"One more time, mate, I'll take you to fucking cleaners!"
"Language! And don't pick your nose!" Spencer barked.
"I'm not going to pick my nose! I'm gonna thump him!" Ian yelled.
"Hear that!" The random teen interjected. "Blessed are the Greek!"
"The Greek?" Tala asked. "What's so special about them?"
"Did anyone catch the bloke's name?" Bryan asked.
"You're not gonna thump anybody!" Spencer continued to Ian.
"I'll thump him if he calls me 'Bignose' again!"
"Oh, shut up, Bignose!" Kai retorted.
"Ha, right! I warned you! I really will slug you!" Ian went to attack Kai, but Spencer grabbed him.
"Oh, it's the meek!" The giant exclaimed, realising what the man had said. "Blessed are the meek; not Greek! Oh, that's nice, innit? I'm glad they're getting something because they have a hell of a time."
"Listen, I'm only telling the truth, you have got a very big nose!" Kai said to Ian.
"Hey, your nose is going to be three foot wide across your face by the time I'm finished with you!" Ian threatened again.
"Well, who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother?" Kai joked.
Bryan sighed. "Fine, Tala. Let's go to a stoning."
Tala cheered and grabbed Bryan's arm, pulling him away from the park to the town jail. They stopped, climbing the high wall, sitting on the top and looking down at the arena.
A man cleared his throat. "Matthew, son of Michael and Jill..."
"Do I say yes?" A man in chains, Matthew, asked. A guard nodded. "Yes!"
"...you have been found guilty by the elders of the city of uttering the name of our Lord, and so as a blasphemer..." the high-guard continued, reading off a piece of paper.
"Ooooh!" The crowd in the arena murmured.
"…you are to be stoned to death!" The man finished. The crowd cheered.
"Listen, all I said was 'This soup is good enough for Voltaire!'" Matthew protested.
"Ooooh!"
"There! He said it again! Blasphemy!" The guard roared. "Did you hear him?"
"Aiiih! Yes, yes, yes!"
"By the virtue invested in me-"
A rock was suddenly thrown at Matthew.
"Ow, lay off, will you? It hasn't started yet!" He protested.
"Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on!" The guard asked, looking around.
"She did! She did! She did!"
"Sorry, I thought we'd started." The woman stuttered.
"Go to the back!" The guard ordered. "Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?"
"Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying 'Voltaire'!" Matthew protested.
"Aiiih! He did!" The crowd gasped.
"You're only making it worse for yourself!" The guard threatened.
"Making it worse? How could it be worse? Voltaire! Voltaire! Voltaire!" Matthew chanted, dancing around in an Irish fashion.
"Aiiih!" The crowd cried.
"I'm warning you!" the guard shouted, pointing a finger at him. "If you say Voltaire once more..."
A rock was then thrown at the guard.
"Hehehe…" Matthew giggled quietly.
"Alright, who threw that? Come on, who threw it?" The guard was almost insane.
"She did! She did! She did!" the crowd yelled, pointing at a woman.
"Was it you?" the guard asked.
"Yes." She said.
"Right..."
"Well, you did say 'Voltaire'!" The woman replied angrily, but she screamed when a hurl of rocks were pelted at her.
"Aiiih!" The crowd cheered.
"Stop! Stop! Will you stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand? Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Voltaire!'" The guard insisted.
"Aiiih!"
Multiple rocks were then thrown at the guard- actually, he seemed to be hit by every rock in the arena. Then, a group of women came over with a huge boulder and dumped it on him.
"Argh!" he cried.
"Nice shot." One woman congratulated another, as the crowd cheered; Matthew crept away cheekily.
"Women…" Tala muttered. "Always have to take things literally, don't they?"
"Well, I'm bored…" Bryan muttered, standing up and stretching. "I'm going back to the Abbey…"
"Wait up!" Tala called, racing after him.
They were walking along the path of the park, a peaceful silence passing between the childhood friends…
"Bryan? Could I ask you something?" Tala asked.
"This better not be about where babies come from…" Bryan muttered.
"No, no… it's just: Do you realise you have a scraggly homeless guy walking behind us?"
Bryan turned and he did so find out that indeed; there was a homeless guy following them.
"Hi, you don't happen to have any food, do you?" The guy asked.
Bryan raised an eyebrow at the randomness, but gestured to a bunch of bushes beside them. "What about those juniper bushes?"
The guy's eyes travelled over to the bushes and they widened. "It's a miracle!"
Tala and Bryan looked at each other. "What?" They asked in unison.
"It's a miracle! He is the Messiah!" The man crowed and others came over. "He has brought forth Juniper berries upon the bush!"
"Of course the bush has juniper berries! It's a juniper bush!" Bryan cried.
"He has made the bush fruitful by his words!" Another man called out.
"He is indeed the Messiah!" A woman exclaimed.
"Show us another miracle!"
"Do not tempt him, shallow ones!" The original homeless man shouted; Tala and Bryan stood in the background, oh so freaked out. "Is the miracle of the Juniper bush not enough!"
"Oh master!" One man cried, moving up to the teen. "I am blind! Please heal me!"
"Er…" Bryan muttered, looking at Tala.
"I am healed!"
"What?" Bryan asked, looking back the man when he heard the outcry and also when he felt a tug on his jacket.
"I touched his clothing and I can see! I can see! I am healed! I am- Ack!"
Bryan and Tala sweatdropped as the blind man danced straight into a lamppost, falling to the ground with a 'bladonk!'.
"May I touch your clothing, Lord?"
"May I too?"
"Look, just go away! I'm not the Messiah! I think the Messiah's name was Jesus and he's bloody dead!" Bryan protested.
"Only the true Messiah denies his true divinity!" The homeless man replied.
"What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!" Bryan called out.
The crowd cheered, including the women from the stoning arena. "He is! He is the Messiah!"
"Now, fuck off!"
There was silence.
"How shall we fuck off, sire?"
"I don't care!" Bryan was exasperated. "Just- screw off!"
Tala started snickering before falling into true laughter.
"Oh will you shut up?" Bryan snapped icily. Tala stopped immediately.
The crowd gasped. "Another miracle!"
"He drove the evil spirit from that boy!" A woman said.
"What?" Bryan looked at Tala then back at the crowd. "He was laughing! He didn't have a demon in him!"
"Well he doesn't now!" The homeless guy replied.
"Shut up! He isn't the Messiah!"
"There is an unbeliever here!" The crowd gasped looking around.
A woman screamed. "It is a demonic child! He has the large nose to prove it too!"
"Oi!"
"Kill the unbeliever! Kill!"
"Wait, no!" Bryan tried to calm the crowd. "Don't kill him! Ian's just a prick!"
"Yes kill him!" Tala joined in. He turned to Bryan. "Come on, my lord…"
"Oh look, will you just screw off!" Boris cried out of the Abbey window. He shut them again, including the shutters.
"Come out Messiah!" The chants carried on.
Boris turned to Bryan. "What is it with you and weird people? Are they attracted to you? I mean, look at Tala!"
"Hey!"
"Shut up, Tala." Boris snapped. The chanting became louder and Boris cursed, striding across his office, back to the window and ramming them open. "Look, just fuck off, for Christ's sake!"
"Show us the Messiah!" The crowd below called. "Show us the Messiah!"
"Listen, you weirdos. There's a mess up here, yeah, but no Messiah!"
"Show us Bryan!"
"What has Bryan got to do with this?" Boris called back.
"He is the Messiah!"
"He's not the Messiah! He's a very naughty boy!"
The crowd quietened. "Who art ye?" One asked.
"'Who art ye?'? What decade are ye from, weirdo?" Boris muttered. "I'm his… father; that's who!"
"Behold the Messiah's father!" The crowd cried. "Behold his father! Praise unto thee, father of Bryan! Blessed art thou! Hosanna! All things to thee, now and always!"
"Ah, now don't think you can get around me like that!" Boris called back. "He's not coming out, and that's my final word! Now, shove off!"
"No!"
"Did you hear what I said?"
"Yes!"
"Oh, I see. Like that, is it?"
"YES!"
"Oh well, all right then, you can see him for one minute, but not one second more! Do you understand?"
"Yes..."
"Promise?"
"Well..." the crowd looked at their neighbours, "all right…"
"All right, here he is then." Boris shoved Bryan up to the window.
The crowd went ecstatic.
"Good morning…" Bryan mumbled.
"A blessing! A blessing! A blessing!"
"Oh for fuck sake…" Bryan muttered, rubbing his eyes.
"Excuse me?"
Bryan looked down at the individual man. "What?"
"Was your mother a virgin?"
Bryan spluttered. "I beg your pardon?"
"Well, if it's not too much a personal question, was your mother a virgin?" The man asked again.
"'If it's not a personal question'! How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!" Bryan replied angrily. "And one thing; how could she not be a virgin if she gave birth to me?"
The crowd murmured between them things like 'He's right, you know'…
"Right that's it!"
Boris came barging up and pushed Bryan out the way (not like Bryan was protesting).
The crowd cried out. "That wasn't a minute!"
"Yes it was!" Boris shot back. "Now clear off!"
"No!"
"Oh-" Boris just shut the shutters and window, before turning back to Bryan. "You can clear off and all. But don't you dare bring back any weirdos… bring back a Big Mac, for me, will you, though?"
"Sure…" Bryan murmured. "Come on, Tala…"
"You, know, I think you're the Messiah…" Tala said, as they walked down the corridor of the Abbey.
Bryan groaned. "Not you too…"
"Oh shut up." Tala snapped. "I mean, think about it… those three poofs that came to you when you were a kid said you were a Messiah."
"I bet they got lost, though. It's pretty hard to at night in Moscow…"
"But they knew you were there!"
"It's a frickin' Abbey, Tala. There were loads of kids there! Including you!"
Tala mumbled something under his breath.
"Just don't mention it again, okay?" Bryan asked, stopping outside their door.
"You not going outside? I thought Boris wanted something from Macdonalds?"
"I am never going outside again." Bryan stated. "Luckily, though, I have three cases of vodka in my room; care to join me?"
----(the next morning)----
"Oh god, this has to be the mother of all hangovers…" Bryan muttered, sitting up. He suddenly realised something- "I'm… Jesus Christ, I never sleep in the nude…"
There was a groan beside him and he froze. He turned slowly to see Tala lying there, also naked.
He blinked. "Shit… Oh well, wake up, fuckface." He woke Tala up by shaking the redhead's shoulders. But Tala wouldn't wake up, only muttering things under his breath. "Fine, sleep in; like I care."
The Russian teen didn't actually seem to care that he'd done it with his male best friend…
"So what's this I hear about you being the so called Messiah?"
Bryan turned to see Kai. "I'm not the Messiah; don't you start."
"I'm not." Kai stated. "It's just, if there's going to be a Messiah, I'm him. I mean, I am related to the Lord You-know-who."
"Whatever. Just fuck off and leave me alone, fuckface."
"Beybattle me for the title."
Bryan rolled his eyes. "Whatever."
------(post battle)-----
"That was amazing!" Tala's call went across the hall. Bryan was suddenly glomped by a red, white, blue and orange blur. Kai stalked off, sulking with his loss. "You were fantastic."
"Well, you weren't too bad yourself…" Bryan replied, cheekily.
"Is there a Messiah in here?" Bryan turned to see the guards from the stoning arena there.
"Eep." He squeaked.
"Prince Kai said it was you." Said a guard, walking up to Bryan.
"Er, no…" He lied.
"Oh, okay."
------(a few minutes later)----
"Bryan, you betraying bastard-son-of-a-bitch!" Boris yelled as he was led out by a bunch of guards. "Hey, hands off. Yeah, my name's Boris, but it's the other Boris you're after. He's that little kid there! His name's Boris-Bryan!"
"Shuddup."
"Hey, he isn't the one!" Bryan called, but the guards went out.
"Oh well… Screw him, lets' go to a stoning!"
Bryan groaned. "What is it with you and stonings?"
Tala shrugged. "Let's go. There might be a good one on!"
"Michaelo, you're on at the three o'clock stoning and… Boris! You're at the three fifteen, okay?"
There were mumbled 'yes's around the jail.
"Okay then!"
The guard left.
Boris groaned. "God above, save me!"
"Cheer up, Boris!" Said a fellow jailee. "You know what they say?"
"What?" Boris replied boredly.
"'Some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad, other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble, give a whistle! And this'll help things turn out for the best: And... always look on the bright side of life,'"
The jailees whistled in tune.
"'Always look on the light side of life,'"
Whistles.
"'If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten, and that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing, when you're feeling in the dumps, don't be silly chumps, just perch your lips and whistle, that's the key. And always look on the bright side of life,'"
Whistles.
"'For life is quite absurd, and death's the final word, you must always face the curtain with a bow, forget about your sin, give the audience a grin, enjoy, it's your last chance anyhow. So, always look on the bright side of death.'"
Whistles.
"'Ah, just before you draw your terminal breath,'"
Whistles.
"'Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it, life's a laugh, and death's a joke, it's true. You'll see it's all a show, people laughing as you go, just remember that the last laugh is on you! And always look on the bright side of life,'"
Whistles.
"'Always look on the right side of life,'"
Whistles.
"Come on, Boris! Cheer up!"
"'Always look on the bright side of life,'"
Whistles.
"'Always look on the right side of life,'"
Whistles.
"Worse things happen to see, you know."
"'Always look on the right side of life,'"
Whistles.
"I mean, what have you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing, what have you lost? Nothing!"
"'Always look on the right side of life, '"
Whistles.
"Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say?"
"'Always look on the right side of life, '"
Whistles.
"Cheer up, you old bugger! Come on! Give us a grin! There you are! See? The end of the story! Incidentally, this record is available in all good shops; unlike this story!"
"'Always look on the right side of life, '"
Whistles.
"Summer's got to live as well, you know? Who do you think reads all this rubbish?"
"'Always look on the right side of life, '"
Whistles.
"They're not gonna get their time back, you know. I told them. I said to them: Demi, I saidthe readers'llnever get their time back. Piece of shit this is…"
"'Always look on the right side of life...'"
FINIS
A/N- another done… Life of Bryan-with-a-'y'… God, I tormented him so much…
Next time- most likely a few snaps of Catherine Tate…