51 WAYS TO PISS OFF COMMODORE JAMES NORRINGTON
Disclaimer - I do not own anything you recognise
Livi and Lano were sitting on top of one of the cannons at the fort in Port Royal. They were watching Commadore James Norrington Patrolling below them.
"He takes himself so seriously" Lano commented. Livi smirked.
"You know what would really annoy him? If we went down there and told him that Captain Jack Sparrow is the best pirate we have ever seen."
Lano began to think - which was very dangerous, given what usually went on in her mind. "Look, we have nothing to do. Why don't we compile a list. Fifty things that we could do in order to annoy Norry."
Livi accepted the offer and began to think. "We could:
Steal his hat
Swing a sword round and cry 'I'm just trying to be like you'
Ask him to teach us to tango
Ask to play 'Pirate and the Navy'. Tell him he can be Jack Sparrow
walk up to him and comment calmly: 'isn't it a shame the intercepter got blown up?'"
"Yeah we could" Said Lano "but those are all a bit tame. If I wanted to annoy him I'd sing 'in the Navy' all the time and I mean all the time"
"We could ask him if he's going to be the best man at Will's wedding or sing that song. You know: 'every party has a pooper that's why we invited you sir, James Norrington; party pooper'"
"Ask if his teeth are as white as his wig or ask why he wears tights, especially in this heat."
"Maybe he thinks it makes him look more masculine" Livi suggested. "How do you think he's react if we enquired as to why he has a broom wedged up his arse. Actually, we could just push him off the end of a peer - that would annoy anyone"
"Yeah. Ok I have a few:
Ask him why he doesn't have a cool monkey called Gillette
Sell 'I love Captain Jack Sparrow' badges and T-shirts at his next promotion ceremony
say: "I think you made a very wise choice sir. After all Gillette is the best a man can get!"
Shout ' Gillette fetch some irons' ALL the time
At his next promotion ceremony sing 'A commodore's life for me'
Throw him a pirate theme birthday party.
.Send Jack love letters in his name
Offer to give him advice on how to woo the men, say you think he needs it.
Ask if the Dauntless is so big because he is so small
Put his white shirt in the wash with Jack's bandana"
"Dye his wig pink" Livi injected
"put on a puppet show about his life and call it Norrington: the pirate erradicator
Fill his room with marshmallows"
"You are obsessed with marshmallows" said Lano
"Only a little. It's because I hate them so much. Anyway:
Ask why he wasn't brave enough to jump in after Elizabeth
Pinch his cheek and squeal about how cute he looks in his uniform - all grown up!
Introduce him to Sparrington
Ask him why he doesn't wear pink - it really suits him
Tell him to chill out - frequently
Ask him to tell you all about his plans to capture Jack, then criticize them.
Tell him all the reasons the Pearl is better than the Dauntless.
Tell him he'd make a damn good pirate
Ask him if he is a virgin
'When did you first realize you were gay?'
Tell him he is holding his sword all wrong
Cough over him when he is trying to give out orders"
"Oh i do that anyway" Lano scorned.
"Ok then:
'HAHAHAHAHAH YOU TRUSTED JACK SPARROW HAHAHA'
Rip the buttons off his jacket.
'Do you wear thongs sir?'
"I bet he does:
Knit him a navy jumper with the letter N on it
Put bird seed on the top of his hat, sit down and watch - we could do that right now
Slip laxatives into his food on long journies
Repeat every order he shouts - EVERY order
Send Elizabeth and Will a 'best couple ever' mug from him
Each morning in front of the navy, give him a couple of notes, wink and tell him he was fantastic
Ask him why he hasn't got a lightsaber"
"Maybe he doesn't want want." Said Livi seriously before lauching into her own list:
Call him Jamesy -Wamesy all the time
Apply kohl why he sleeps - I wonder what that would look like?
Make wanted posters off him dressed in pirate garb and post them around port Royal
I'm all out what about you?"
"Yeah and it's getting dark, I'll see you tomorrow"
Livi continued watching the Commadore and sniggered. Maybe some of those ideas could actually be used...