Zuko stopped to take a break at the bottom of the stairs. The blizzard howled, but he did not fear it. He was covered in the ideal insulation. The wind blew snow over his face, dusting his cheeks with more insulating material to help him stay warm. It worked the snow into his thin hair, shielding his head. He didn't need a hood or a fire. The blizzard was composed of Air and Water - his friends.

Because of that, he ignored it entirely. He thought only of himself, of how teaching the Avatar made him feel. Did it make me happy like Uncle wanted? I guess I do feel a little better. Zuko realized he didn't know what happiness felt like. He had memories, but they seemed far away, like dreams. They were unattainable. The best he could hope for now was relief. Meaning in my life? Joy? Excitement? Those are all just words. He flicked some snow off his knee.

I traded away my dignity, and all I got was a little temporary relief. Was it worth it? Telling the Avatar everything he knew, guessed, and had been told about the elements had provided a very nice distraction. But now, as Zuko raised his head to look at the blank gray sky, the last traces of it left him. It wasn't. I'm still helpless, still useless. I'm still a failure and a disappointment. I will never be able to face my father with honor again. Tears burned his eyes.

I want to disappear…

He forced himself to his feet and kept walking.

Iroh and Kalika were waiting for him when he returned. "I was worried you'd gotten lost in the storm. Come, sit by the fire," Iroh urged.

Zuko turned away, walking around Kalika towards the stairs. He said nothing. What was there to say? Speaking seemed like an impossible effort.

Kalika followed him up, as he expected. He sat against the wall in his usual place. She knelt across from him. Her movements were careful and slow. Please don't leap on me. Yeah, right. How could she not? He folded his arms across his chest, waiting for the inevitable barrage of questions.

But the questions never came. Kalika opened her mouth once, then thought better and closed it again. She moved over to his side and gave him a hug. Zuko closed his eyes. His throat clenched. This is all MEANINGLESS. Her embrace did nothing for him or for his country. It did not help him accomplish any of his goals. Even so, he found his body relaxing. What? Traitor! He tried to keep his muscles tensed. He needed to be ready for anything.

Kalika let go of him. She watched him carefully. Zuko could practically hear her deciding on her next move. She decided. In a calm, businesslike manner, she moved around to his front side again and pulled out a scroll. She lay it down on the floor between them. It was a copy of the drawing he had made for her. "If you're up to it, I would like to talk more about your family tonight."

She's not going to comment on how I'm acting or ask me where I went? Zuko couldn't believe it at first. It was too good to be true. But as she sat there, waiting patiently for a response, he realized it apparently was true. "Sure." Thank you.

"I have a plan for how this is going to go," she told him.

Zuko forgot to be tense. His shoulders relaxed. She's taking all the weight off of me. She's not asking me to decide anything. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Kalika pointed to a random dot on the scroll. "We will go person by person. I'll ask you to describe them in three words. Then I'll ask you to give a more elaborate free-form description. Finally, I'll ask you to tell me a story of a specific event that demonstrates why you described them the way you did. Do you agree with this plan?"

Zuko nodded. Just don't ask me to make the plan. I'm tired. Let me rest.

"Alright." Kalika got out her charcoal and prepared to write. She looked alert, energetic. Strong. Zuko felt rested already just looking at her. "Let's begin with your immediate family. Human family, I mean. Describe your human father in three words."

"Stern. Strong. Tough."

"Elaborate on that."

"He's a no-nonsense man who can face difficult decisions and do what needs to be done. He never loses his composure, never becomes weak. He can handle everything. He expects the same of anyone around him, and won't tolerate weakness. He shows love through expectation. The better he thinks of you, the higher his standards."

Kalika wrote down the three words and a short notation next to the dot representing Father 1. "Tell me about a specific event that you remember."

The first memory that leapt to Zuko's mind was of the time his father had been asked to kill him. His heart raced. No. I can't tell her that. I can't tell anyone about that. Nobody else would understand. They would all paint him as a horrible person and a bad father, when I know that's not true. He was just following orders. What else could he tell her? Zuko thought of the day of his banishment. She would understand why he had to punish me for embarrassing him in front of others. But I couldn't tell that story without revealing that my father is the Firelord. He had to find another story to tell.

Zuko was aware of the silence stretching on longer and longer. Kalika waited as patiently as ever. No flicker of suspicion or annoyance showed on her face. Zuko swallowed back his rising dread at not being able to answer fast enough and found a story he could tell. "My sister is two years younger than me. She started having lessons with a private tutor at the same age I did: four years old. After a year, she was just as good as I was. She demonstrated her progress, and he clapped. He never did that for me. I tried to demonstrate what I could do, but I messed up and fell on my face. I said it's not fair that she's younger than me and already so good. She just laughed in my face and stuck her tongue out at me.

"He stood up and sent her out of the room. He told me, 'Don't blame your sister for having talent that you lack. She was simply born lucky. You were lucky to be born. Don't expect me to hand anything to you just because you're my son. If you want honor and praise, you must work for it. Fairness is an excuse other people use for weakness.' And he left."

Kalika's eyes were wide. She seemed pale, though that might have been a trick of the light. "Um… How would you characterize this moment with your father?"

Zuko sat up straight. "I will always remember it as an invaluable lesson on how the world works. You can't expect anything to be handed to you. The truly strong work for everything they have."

Kalika bent over the scroll and wrote down a short phrase to remember the story by. "Lucky to be born." She then sat up and took a deep breath. "Describe your human mother in three words."

"Kind. Protective. Loving."

"Elaborate."

"She loved me," Zuko said. "I know this because she told me she did. Even when I screwed up, she said she loved watching me try. Even when I was mean, she scolded me and then patted me on the head. She loved me no matter what."

Kalika smiled. "Tell me a story about her."

This time, finding a story was easy. "I remember this one day, we sat by the little pond in the garden. I think I did something to one of the baby turtleducks. The mother came rushing over and bit me on the ankle. Mom helped me pry her off, and she said all mothers fight back when something threatens their babies. She held me close."

"How would you characterize that moment?" Kalika asked gently, still smiling.

"I felt so safe with her there."

Kalika's smile faded. Her eyes unfocused briefly, and Zuko imagined he could hear her mind churning away. She blinked forcefully and bent over the scroll. She wrote down his three words, a short notation, and the phrase, "Mothers protect their babies." She then pulled out another of her scrolls, wrote something on it, applied binding agent and rolled that scroll back up. "Ahem. Now let's do your sister. Three words, please."

"Bratty. Manipulative. Spoiled."

"Elaborate."

How long does she want me to elaborate for? I could go on all night. Zuko snarled. "She stops at nothing to make me miserable. She had everything come easy to her, and she rubs it in my face at every opportunity. She has no concern for other people. She has some so-called friends, but they're really just her cronies, doing everything she asks them to. She is cruel, and mean, and loves to hurt other people whenever she can. She has no heart at all. She is -"

"Ahem." Kalika raised her hands. "A story is worth a thousand descriptions."

"You'll love this story, then," Zuko said. His fists clenched. "When I was young, before my father took over as head of the family, we used to spend summers at our beach house. We spent the day on the beach. My sister and I played in the water, and our parents sat nearby watching. It was a good day. I had fun. I had so much fun that I stayed behind when everyone else went back to the house. I left myself just enough time to run back and get ready before dinner.

"The sun started to set, and I ran back. I picked up a towel and buried my face in it. That was when I discovered that my sister had covered it in spices. I screamed. But just then, I heard my father calling for dinner. I didn't have time to wash it off.

"I got dressed and went in for dinner. I had to sit at the table, wait as everything was served, and eat like a civilized person. No squirming, no crying, no running away. It felt like an eternity. I remember sitting and trying not to shake too noticeably. I couldn't see, but I didn't need to. I knew what I would see: my father glaring at me, disappointed, and my sister smirking in that horrible way she has."

Zuko's hands shook as he remembered. His whole body trembled. He could remember the horrible itching, burning, as if his entire face was on fire. It was easily as bad as having his face burned, but at least that had only lasted for less than a minute. His breathing came fast and ragged.

He glanced up to see Kalika looking horrified. She should. "How - how would you characterize this memory?" she stammered.

"As the ultimate example of how evil my sister is," he spat.

"Okay." Kalika bent over the scroll. Her hand miraculously did not tremble as she wrote down the three words, which she had to ask him to repeat, a short note, and "Sitting through dinner." She gave them both a minute to relax, which Zuko appreciated very much. Then she said, "Describe your uncle."

"Soft. Relaxed. Old."

"Elaborate."

"He used to have an important position. He used to be respected. But when his son died, he gave it all up and retired." And that's not all he did. He started talking with spirits. Now I know the real reason why he was sneered at, why people laughed at him. It just confirms what I already knew. I have to get rid of spirits as fast as possible and never speak of them again. What was I thinking, teaching a whole lesson about them? He shuddered. "Now nobody respects him any more than they have to. He spends his days playing Pai Sho and drinking tea in exile. He's the family embarrassment. He says he's happy that way. I don't believe it." Zuko closed his eyes. "I never want to be reduced to that."

Kalika wrote this down. "A memory?"

"He spent a day with me telling me war stories one time. Father came back and saw us spending time together. He pulled me aside before dinner and told me not to take Uncle's words too seriously. 'It's dangerous to take advice from failures,' he said."

Kalika's brow furrowed. She opened her mouth. A sound came out. At the last possible moment, she restrained herself. She bit her lip and wrote "Don't take advice from failures" on the scroll. "Your grandfather?"

"I didn't know him very well," Zuko told her. "When he was alive, he was very busy. My father had to request meetings just to keep him informed of how we were doing."

"Your cousin?"

"Older than me, didn't know him very well."

Kalika looked down at the scroll, then back up at him. They had exhausted the human half. "Would you like to continue with your spirit family?"

Iroh's dishonor was still fresh in his mind. Talking about spirits is the worst mistake a person can make. If they don't believe me… Zuko remembered the agony of being told over and over that he was mistaken. If they do… He remembered some guards he had seen once pulling faces behind Iroh's back. "No. I would not like to."

Kalika prepared the scroll and rolled it up, then hesitated. "May I tell your uncle some of what we've covered here?"

Zuko looked up at her sharply. His eyes narrowed. "What do you want to tell him?"

"That your refusal to listen to him is partly from fear. You've seen the disrespect he gets, and you don't want to suffer the same."

If I tell her no, will she actually listen to me? Will she respect my wishes? Or will she decide to do what she wants as if I never said anything at all? Zuko was surprised by the idea that Iroh wouldn't already know that. It was blazingly obvious. He had no objection to Kalika sharing this information, which was why he told her, "No. You may not." As they went down the stairs, the back of his neck prickled. I'll know if she tells him. Uncle's not holding anything back lately. If she does, I'll know I can't trust her. Zuko was surprised to find himself hoping that she would not. He wanted to be able to trust her. It felt so good to trust. It feels good, but it's a lie. Everything that ever made me feel good was a lie. They're all tricks to rob me of my honor. If I give in, I'll become the kind of person my father would never love.

He declined dinner and went to bed. Kalika left. The fire was put out. As Zuko stared at the dark room, he imagined people in the shadows laughing at him. It was not unrealistic. He actually had met people that laughed uproariously as soon as they learned that he was the subject of their rumors. He closed his eyes. I never want to be like that. But the harder he tried, the more of a grave he seemed to dig for himself. All my fighting is misaimed. I'm spending all my energy in the wrong direction. What I'm doing now won't produce the results I want.

I'm spending all my energy trying to get rid of the Avatar and the water spirit. What I really ought to be doing is getting rid of the bad parts of myself.

.

Over dinner, Pakku wondered whether or not he ought to visit the palace. He had finished going over the skins in the archives, and their disastrous lunch was more than enough to qualify as a friendly visit with the archivist. However, Ola and Tarao were still plotting. They had expected the hunters to be back by today, so they would probably meet again. Spying on them might be worth the trouble. However, if he went to visit the palace too many times, especially without a good explanation, word might get back to them. He would end up dragged far, far deeper into their conspiracy than he wanted to be. It might be best to space out his visits.

Pakku thought going for a walk would help him decide. It certainly did. It was so effective that he made up his mind within one step. He was most definitely not trekking up the stairs in this weather! He turned right around, went back inside, and put two more pelts on his bed.

The next morning, he did not regret his decision. He had two reasons for it. The first was that he felt wonderfully refreshed. The second was that regret was for younger people. He did wonder what Ola and Tarao might have talked about. Eh, most likely they just complained that the hunters hadn't come back on schedule. The storm had come at just the right time.

He bent the snow out and away from his front entrance and went to the training area for his morning class. As he walked, he played a game with himself. The game was called, "How many students won't show up today?" Katara seemed dedicated. Maybe one of his other students would come just because they wouldn't want to be outdone by a girl. That would probably be it.

Pakku was wrong. To his surprise, all of the students he usually taught in the mornings showed up. Katara was there, and so were the two others. "Color me surprised. I thought you all would sleep in and free up my morning."

"Not a chance," Katara replied. "And this isn't even all of us."

As if on cue, the Avatar appeared on the steps behind her. He walked right up and stood beside her. He straightened his shoulders and held his head high, almost comically so. "I'm ready to rejoin the class!" He turned and picked up some water. With smooth motions, balance, and a sense of the water's rhythms, he bent it up, over and down to create a closed loop. Then he whispered something and relaxed. The loop became a perfect circle.

Pakku's eyebrows rose. How on earth had he accomplished that? Pakku had thought him a lost cause for sure. The Avatar grinned at him through the circle. The other boys exclaimed in admiration. "Well?" Pakku asked. "What are you waiting for? Get into position. Katara can catch you up on what you missed." Without a pause, he launched into the day's lesson.

The lesson that day consisted of having the students fight each other. He had one of his boys fight Katara. Against her, the boy was hesitant. His water wobbled and threatened to fall right out of his grip. Katara lashed him with a water whip, which he was too frozen with fear to dodge. He tried to hit her with a stream of water, but the water fell out of his grip halfway to her. She picked it up and sent it back to him, ending the fight.

Aang fought the other boy. He might have missed the water streaming lesson, but he had more confidence than his opponent. He, too, started with a water whip. His opponent managed to knock it aside, but failed to follow through on that, instead trying to pick up water to use for his own move. Pakku sighed. No matter how many times he went over the cyclical nature of water and the importance of understanding its rhythm, these kids never understood.

Which is why his eyebrows rose yet again when his student tried to knock Aang down with a stream. Aang knocked the stream aside, then turned to follow it. He spun on one foot, bringing the stream under his control and returning it to sender. The other boy was knocked down, ending the fight.

Pakku stepped in. "What did you just do?" he asked Aang, eyes narrowed.

"I followed the water's guidance," Aang replied.

"What?" his opponent asked. Both boys looked confused.

Katara laughed. "That lesson last night really inspired you!"

"Yeah. It did." Aang turned to face the other boys, who were still confused. "I found another teacher to help me with my waterbending. He said I didn't understand what bending was. I was trying to force my will on the water, when actually, waterbending is me and the water working together. I had to treat it like my partner and trust it. Just now, when it came at me, I thought about how streams don't just end. They keep going and take another route, so I did the same. I let my partner guide me."

He scanned the other boys' faces anxiously, probably expecting them to laugh at him. He glanced up at Pakku with downright fear. Pakku stared back at him in astonishment. How was this possible? Didn't Zuko have only a few days of training under his belt? How could he possibly have given such a lesson? Lessons like those were the hallmark of a fully trained twospirit. Furthermore, why would he have taught the Avatar? Weren't he and the Avatar enemies? There was no way Pakku could have misinterpreted the tension between them.

"Working together?" one of the other boys asked. They were not mocking at all. They took Aang's words seriously and let the guidance sink in.

Pakku returned his attention to the present and stepped back. "You two, fight each other." Regardless of how or why it had come to be, one thing was clear: Zuko was entering the next phase of his destiny. He was somehow both training and beginning to teach. Pakku relaxed. He'd expected the young prince's progress to be slower, which was why he was so anxious to protect him from Ola. If it was moving very quickly, then Pakku's responsibilities weren't as great. The situation wasn't as dire. He might not need to do anything at all; by the time Ola and Tarao got around to making a move, Zuko might be trained enough to defend himself. There was really nothing to worry about.

"Trust," the fearful boy repeated to himself while looking at his water.

"Guidance," muttered the other boy as he looked at his.

They looked up at each other and stood tall. With confident and balanced movements, they flung streams of water at each other. The streams met, filling the air with spraying droplets that would have made a rainbow if the sun had been up.

.

Kalika woke up optimistic. As she brushed her hair, she thought about Lee, which was technically inadvisable because failing to give herself time off from her patients could lead to burnout. She gave herself a pass this time because her thoughts were not worried ones. They gave her hope. She had considered the possibility that the night he drew the chart for her could have been a fluke. Some factor, perhaps the pain he was in, could have made him more trusting than usual. He might change his mind. But he had given her his trust on a second night! What's more, he also gave her another chance to prove her trustworthiness and cement their relationship. Kalika knew exactly why he told her not to tell his uncle. She was no fool. His uncle would hear nothing from her lips.

Her mind also buzzed with the previous night's revelations. Katara had established contact with him. Kalika would need to pay the Avatar and his friends a visit and find out exactly what kind of contact it was and what had come of it. And Lee had said he felt safe with his mother. When his mother died, did he no longer feel safe? When she first visited their house, she thought the life of a street rat would fit what she knew of Lee's personality very well. If she could use only one word to describe the life of a street rat, it would be unsafe. He might not have come from a poor family, but if he constantly felt unsafe that would explain why he behaved like he had. Clues were starting to come together, revealing parts of the puzzle. It was invigorating. Kalika felt like she was floating. She couldn't wait to find out more. She hurried to Mushi's house, her mind turning over what Lee had told her about his father, sister, and uncle. She was beginning to suspect that Lee's problems were not in fact his problems. His whole family was rotten to the core. Well, his human family. Where did his spirit family fit in? How had they influenced him? If he was still in a trusting mood, hopefully he would tell her.

Kalika stopped outside Mushi's house to tamp down her enthusiasm. She must not approach Lee all revved up and ready to ask every question that came to her lips. The previous night had shown her that. She took a deep breath and reminded herself that all things came in good time. Then she went in.

"Hello, Lee," she greeted. "Mushi." They were eating breakfast together. Well, Mushi was eating. Kalika noticed that Lee had barely touched his food. He look tired and picked at it listlessly.

Mushi smiled at her. "Come, eat with us."

Kalika nodded and sat down. "Thank you." As he passed her some food, she realized something. "It is a custom of the Water Tribes to offer people visiting your house food, no matter who they are or why they came. But you don't come from the Water Tribes, do you?"

"Oh," Mushi said with a smile. "I didn't know that. It's a very nice custom! More people should adopt it. I thought a meal was the least I could give you in exchange for helping my nephew, since you haven't asked for payment."

"Like I said, our custom is that guests get free food. People who help you with things get even more. I don't get paid in the traditional sense, but I do get paid."

While Kalika ate, she observed Lee. He had stopped picking at his food. Now he stared down at the floor, clearly waiting for this part of the morning to be over. She finished her meal as fast as she could.

Lee followed her upstairs at a slow pace, holding onto the railing. It was similar to the night when he had come in in great pain. But this time, he wasn't bent or flushed. There was no sign of physical pain. Kalika's good mood faded as she wondered if he was in spiritual pain. She had thought he was tired; she might have been wrong.

He slumped against the wall, head leaning back against it, eyes gazing off into distant space. Kalika sat down across from him, as usual. He looked at her as well as he could without lifting up his head. It didn't work very well. He turned sideways and lay down flat on the floor instead. He sighed.

"You don't seem to be feeling very well," Kalika said. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He gazed up at the ceiling and did not answer. A full minute passed. Then a second one. Something told Kalika to wait. An answer might be working its way up from deep inside.

Eventually, he said, "I'm tired."

"What kind of tired?"

He closed his eyes. "I just… There's…" He looked up at the ceiling again. "I don't know what to do with my life."

"That's very common," Kalika told him.

"I'm supposed to know what to do. I need to know. But I don't."

"Why do you need to know what to do with your life?"

"Because if I don't…"

He didn't finish the sentence. "Something bad will happen?" Kalika guessed.

"Yeah."

There was another extended silence. "I had plans for what we could talk about today," Kalika ventured. "I wanted to ask about your mother."

"What about her?"

"You said last night that she made you feel safe. What did you mean by that?"

"She never pressured me," Lee answered. "When I was tired or upset, she didn't say things like, 'Here's another strategy you can try,' or, 'You can do it.' She put me to bed, brought me dinner and kissed me on the head and said, 'Don't worry. I'll take care of everything.'" He closed his eyes, which swam with tears. "She was the only person in my entire life who did that for me. Nobody else does it, not even Uncle."

Kalika's heart cried out in sympathy. She knew precisely what he referred to. Her own mother could be relied on to drop everything and do just that if she ever needed help. Kalika hadn't so far, but knowing the support was there comforted her immeasurably. She imagined living without it, and her gut twisted.

"Except you."

Kalika was jerked out of her own thoughts. What had she just heard? She looked down at Lee, who looked up at her. "You come here, and you bring all the plans," he whispered. "You do all the thinking. You figure out what everything means. You don't demand anything of me. My uncle asks me to open up, but he doesn't tell me what that means or how to do it. He expects me to figure it out myself."

Kalika was speechless. A hundred thoughts whirled through her head. Their relationship had just reached a whole new level, a level she wasn't entirely comfortable with. Had he just compared her to his mother? Was it appropriate to play that kind of role? Should she try to retreat to a safer, more neutral distance? But wait - everything he described was within her professional responsibilities. She was supposed to treat her patients that way. Was she doing nothing wrong? Should she encourage it?

"Thank you for not pressuring me," Lee said. He looked back up at the ceiling.

"You're welcome," Kalika replied.

Lee suddenly exclaimed in anger. "Seriously?!" He sat up. "All it takes to earn my affection and trust is not asking me to do anything? That's all? What kind of person can be so easily bought?"

Kalika tried to hide how startled she was. "Lee -"

"No wonder my father doesn't respect me. He's my father. He brought me into this world and provided everything for me - my title, my honor, everything I've ever owned. Nobody else has done so much for me. But when you asked me if I had other fathers, I said yes. Father 2 doesn't even deserve the title! He just got it by default because he's Mother 2's mate, and she got that title by never asking anything of me. Father 3 got his title just because he watches over me and helps me if I ask him to and never demands anything of me. They're all just there, doing their own things and not asking anything of me, and that's enough for me to call them family. What a slap in the face to my real family! I can't believe I'm like this."

Kalika scrambled to find her footing. She found it in the realization that he was answering the last of her questions: what dynamic did his spirit family have, and what role did they play in his life? His spirit family had a largely uninvolved, distant dynamic. But that was precisely what he needed to balance out the overinvolvement of his human family. That was it! "It sounds like they add balance to your life, Lee. Your human family is entirely composed of people who ask things of you, and your spirit family is entirely composed of people who don't. That sounds like a good thing."

"It isn't," Lee snapped. "I'm an adult now. I'm not supposed to go running to Mommy. I'm supposed to be able to handle my problems myself. There is nothing wrong with encouraging me to do that. Encouraging me to lie back and let someone else solve all my problems is crazy! I'm never going to grow up that way."

A fire flared in Kalika's chest. "Lee. Look at me," she ordered. He did so. She softened her demeanor and told him, "Being an adult means you should be able to solve your problems when you need to. That doesn't mean you have to solve all of them. Giving yourself a break sometimes isn't weakness. It doesn't make you any less grown up." She took her beaded necklace from her pocket. "Do I seem mature to you, Lee?"

He nodded.

She held up the necklace. "These beads were given to me by my mother. When I'm stressed, I hold them and think of her. It calms me. My mother is still alive; when I can, I have dinner with her and my brother. I tell her about my problems. She smoothes back my hair and gives me an extra serving of dinner and tells me everything's going to be all right. If I didn't have her, the stress of being a doctor would pile up until it crushed me. If it did, I would lose the ability to do my job. And if I lost that, I wouldn't be doing so well as an adult, would I?"

Lee's mouth hung open. It was entirely possible that he had never heard this line of reasoning before. Kalika wanted to tell Mushi right now that he was being overbearing. But no; she had promised not to. She realized she was getting too worked up, and took a moment to calm herself. She put the beads back in her pocket and took a deep breath. "You told me last night that you believe your father can do everything. There is no way that's true. He must rest and relax when nobody's looking. He has to put forth a certain image, but that image is not the sum total of everything adulthood is. Everyone gets tired. Everyone needs to rest sometimes. Your needs are just the same as everyone else's, and you have a right to meet them. No, a duty. If you don't meet your own needs, that's when you lose the ability to do what needs to be done. That's when you become less of an adult."

Lee continued to stare at her, completely flabbergasted. Kalika made herself sit silently while he processed everything. She wondered if it was right to get so forward. She was supposed to help him find his own answers, not force hers down his throat. But how was he supposed to know what was possible if nobody showed him? His family was clearly very imbalanced and had never shown him how to live a balanced life. He needed a guide, a living example to emulate. Kalika was horrified to realize that she was thinking like a parent. It wasn't right to assume that role. But wasn't it just what he needed? He had only cruel, unforgiving humans and spirits in his life. Didn't he need a human example of balance?

He looked away. Kalika, blushing, looked away too. "Please think about it," she whispered. They went back down the stairs carrying identical weights: his the burden of answers, hers of questions.

.

"Maika!" the young woman called to her best friend. "He's fine! I saw him just a little while ago going out like usual. He looked sad, though. I wonder what he was sad about?"

Maika put down the new tools she'd ordered for her husband to fix their chimney with. She put a hand on her friend's shoulder. "Riri. I was there for your Talik phase," she said gently.

Riri blushed and looked away.

"What's this really about?"

"He is kind of cute," Riri admitted. "Even with the scar. Maybe because of the scar."

Maika smiled. "Talk to him, you silly goose."

Riri gasped. "But what if he thinks I'm too intense, like Talik did?"

"Talik thought you were too much because you started off by telling him everything you knew about him," Maika replied. "Don't tell him everything. Don't even tell him you've been watching him. Say something like, 'Hi. I've seen you around, and I think you're interesting. I want to talk to you.' That should do it."

"Hi. I've seen you around, I think you're interesting, and I want to talk to you," Riri repeated. "O-okay." Her hands twisted around each other. "Just go up to him and say that."

Maika giggled. "You're a giant adorable bundle of nerves! Just relax. That's all you have to do. Just relax and let your quirky self shine through."

"But then they'll think I'm too much…"

Maika sighed and shook her head. "You've got to keep your eyes out for a man who will like you exactly as you are, exactly as much as you are. You don't need to pretend to be someone else. You've got this."

She picked up her order and walked away. "Hi. I've seen you around, I think you're interesting, and I want to talk to you," Riri whispered. "Hi. I've seen you around, I think you're interesting, and I want to talk to you." She bit her lip. She ran off, turning her nervousness into useful activity. She went to the seal-hunter's exit and sat down just outside it. The cute boy with the scar wasn't due back for several hours, but she knew her ability to concentrate or do, well, anything, was ruined anyway. Sitting and rehearsing what she would say was all she could possibly spend the next few hours doing. "Hi. I've seen you around, I think you're interesting, and I want to talk to you. Oh, but it sounds so rehearsed," she whispered, near tears.

.

Zuko didn't know what to think anymore. He'd gone for a walk, wanting to be alone in order to think about Kalika's advice, and his feet automatically took him to his training place. He didn't know if he should train, or sit down and think, or leave. He tried to sit down, but his thoughts forced him to his feet. He paced along the length of the ridge. He paused once to search for his inner voice. It wasn't around. He had nobody to tell him what was true.

Was she right? It's okay to act childish sometimes? No, I can't believe that. Acting like a child is weak, dishonorable. It was even when I was a child. My country depends on me. I can't afford to sit around gawking at butterflies. I ought to spend my time doing actual useful things, things that benefit somebody. Otherwise I'm just a burden.

She said I had a duty to myself. What does that even mean? I can't possibly have a duty to myself. I haven't earned anything! I can't reward myself with days off that I haven't earned. It's nonsensical. But she said that if I don't, I'll burn out and I won't be any good to anyone.

Burning out sounds a lot like what I'm doing now.

Why? Why? Why do I try and try, as hard as I can, putting everything I've got into making people happy and meeting my responsibilities, and still fail? He stopped to kick the icy wall of the ridge. His foot was cushioned on impact by thick snow. Zuko growled. He got down and brushed away all of the snow, exposing the icy wall of the ridge. He kicked it. A shockwave of pain went up his foot and into his lower leg. He kicked the wall again, and again, until his toes felt bruised. He flexed them and grimaced. Then he sighed in relief.

I am no good to anyone the way I am now. I need to change. I've got to become the sort of son my father could be proud of. Zuko counted off the steps he needed to take on his fingers. I've got to stop listening to these spirits. I've got to get rid of them. I need to stop spending time with failures and traitors and the Avatar. I need to become stern, strong, stop being such a softhearted mush of a person. I need to learn to make decisions. I need to leave the Water Tribes and never look back.

With his goals clearly outlined, it was easy to figure out what to do. He had to leave his training grounds. His heart clenched. Zuko told it to shut up as he climbed the ice wall. "Listening to the water spirit was a bad idea. I should never do it again." He repeated this all the way up to the tunnel. He descended the tunnel in pained silence. Why isn't it working? Why does my chest still hurt?

As he left the tunnel and saw the city spread before him, his mood crashed through the floor. An urge to drop to his knees and lie like a useless dead thing swept over him. What am I doing? I have no ideas. There's nothing I can do. I'm doomed. He closed his eyes and fought against the temptation to find that crack between the buildings and crawl into it again.

"H-" A cough. "Um, h-hi. Hi. I've seen you around, and I think you're interesting, and I'd like to talk to you."

Zuko opened his eyes to see a girl staring at him. She looked terrified out of her wits and could not force herself to meet his eyes. Who is this nutball? And why is she bothering me?

"So, uh… You came with the Avatar, right? I mean, I don't recognize you, and I'm sure I'd recognize someone like you if I'd ever seen you before. I - I didn't mean your face. I meant you look kind of…distinguished." Her face looked bright red even in the moonlight.

Her words enraged Zuko. They reminded him of everything he should be and wasn't. "What's your point?" he snapped.

She shrank back. "I just wanted to get to know you…"

Zuko was still enraged. It took a few seconds for her words to trickle through. She wants to get to know me? He looked at her. She seemed scared, ashamed, embarrassed. The one thing he didn't detect was insincerity. She wants to know me. He relaxed. His anger ebbed away.

"I'm Lee," he told her.

She glanced up hopefully. "I'm… I'm Riri."

They stared at each other for an awkward while. Then she squared her shoulders and forced herself to unshrink. "Are you a bender?" she asked. Excitement creeped into her voice. She started to smile.

"Yeah." Too late, Zuko realized he should not have said that.

"Of what?"

Oh no. I can't tell her I'm a firebender. I can't tell her anything else because I'm no good at lying. Uh… Zuko began to panic. Visions of Earth Kingdom people being mean to him flashed before his eyes, and his heart pounded faster and faster. Around the 4th or 5th vision, he realized something about this was strange. His inner grip was clenched tight! He put a hand on his stomach reflexively and struggled to pry it loose. It came loose. The memories of rejection slipped away, as did the panic.

Riri still stood before him, waiting for an answer. He looked down at his stomach with his hand on it. "Spirits…?"

A pause. A long pause. He lowered his hand and looked up find her staring at him with her jaw hanging open. "You bend spirits?" she asked.

Is that what my inner grip is? Zuko had no idea where his answer had come from. He hadn't meant to say that word. It just came out of him. Now he had no choice but to roll with it. "Yeah. I bend spirits." To his astonishment, he sounded perfectly natural. He sounded as if he wasn't lying.

Riri gasped. Her eyes sparkled. She clasped her hands and shifted from side to side in a little dance. "That's amazing! Can you bend my spirit?"

Zuko reared back. "No! Of course not!" She froze as if he'd slapped her. He tried to regain control of himself. "Bending spirits is dangerous. If something goes wrong, it goes really wrong. I would never bend a person's spirit unless they really needed me to. I'm not even trained. I only just started learning how to do this."

"You're learning to spiritbend?" Her eyes were so wide they made her look like a squirrel.

"Yeah. I'm training with a master spiritbender." Zuko crossed his arms. "The only spirit I am willing to bend is my own. Don't ask again."

Am I… Am I telling the truth? It seemed impossible, but it was the only way Zuko could explain how effortlessly he wove this alternate interpretation of events. The story he was telling her was also coherent and made perfect logical sense, even though he hadn't tried to make every thing he said line up with what came before. He couldn't lie because lying was difficult. This was not difficult. Therefore, he must not be lying. I'm telling her the truth!

She clasped her hands against her chest. "Wow. You sound so responsible, and caring, and kind, and…"

Zuko had trouble hearing her over the sound of his panic. Nobody wants to know the truth about me. Nobody cares. People hate spirits. Spirits aren't welcome in the human world. If anybody learns the truth about me, I won't be either. Oh no!

He felt someone shaking his shoulder, jolting him back to the real world. "Lee? Is everything okay?"

"I was just thinking about something," he said hurriedly. "You were saying?"

"I think you're amazing." Her eyes sparkled in the moonlight. "Be - because you're so concerned about other people, I mean. Even if you aren't fully trained, I would trust you to bend my spirit any day. Uh… I mean…"

She stepped away from him and tried to rephrase, but no words came. Zuko watched her as she stumbled and fretted, trying to find some other way to say what she meant. "You trust me?"

"Well - yeah."

"You think I'm amazing?"

She gulped. "Yeah. I do."

Zuko stared at her with new eyes. She's awkward, says weird things, seems to be different from other people. Is it possible? Can she really not mind, or even like, me talking about spirits? A never before seen world of possibility opened before him. She might actually like the truth about me.

"Is that all right?" Riri asked.

"It's more than alright," he replied. "It's perfect."

Riri's mouth fell open. "You like the way I say things?"

Have I really found someone who likes me the way I am? It's too good to be true. No way anyone could have standards that low. Is it true? I'll test her and find out. "I missed breakfast. Are you hungry?"

She nodded. Zuko remembered the restaurant he had found when he first tried to ask about spirits. I hope that man's forgiven me. He led the way. His stomach joined the party very quickly. It was not happy that he had neglected it for so long. He remembered declining dinner and winced. Riri had to fight to keep up.

The restaurant owner wasn't happy to see him, but kept his mouth shut as Zuko found a place to sit and asked what kinds of meat they had available. "Just fish and octopus," the owner grumbled. "Our hunters aren't back yet." He turned to Riri. "And what would you like, my dear?"

"Grilled octopus, please. If you have it."

"We do!" The owner seemed to like her. "Don't waste your time with this guy," he said, jerking a thumb at Zuko. "He hates water spirits." He walked away muttering about two servings of grilled octopus.

Riri gaped. "What did he mean by that, Lee?"

"He's just confused," Zuko said. He took his hands off the table and hid them in his lap so she wouldn't see them shaking. I'm going to tell a human person the truth about me. Will she understand it? Will she laugh and tell me I'm funny? Please, anything but that. I would rather she spit on me than tell me I'm funny. "I met him when I was, uh, having an argument with a water spirit. I said some angry things about the spirit."

"Why were you arguing with a water spirit? They're gentle and protective, aren't they?"

"It's complicated. I would have to tell you my life story before you could understand."

Riri looked like she might cry with happiness. She leaned over the table so far she nearly scorched her hair on the candles. "Please! Tell me everything!"

Zuko took a deep breath. Here we go. "I grew up in a place that's very different from here. People there don't like spirits. If anyone starts talking about spirits, they either don't get taken seriously or they become the laughingstock of the pa - the whole place. No respect, regular insults, people sneer at you to your face. I learned very early in my life never to talk about spirits."

"That's awful!" Riri's eyes glistened with tears of a different nature.

"I guess," Zuko muttered. "It wasn't a place where I could explore my spirit powers."

"You mean your spiritbending?"

"No. I have other powers besides that." He tried to look casual. "I can communicate with spirits. Everybody can talk to spirits. But when I do, they talk back."

She gasped. "Really?"

"Oh yeah. I can talk to water spirits and fire spirits and air spirits. Watch." He looked at the candles. "Don't even think of burning her hair."

Before both of their eyes, the candle flames obligingly tilted away from her hair in perfect unison. Riri tried to speak, but made sounds like she was choking. After a while, when her throat loosened, she stared up at Zuko with stars in her eyes. "Wow…"

"You can go back now," he told the candles. "What can I say? Spirits like me. Almost three years ago, I left home with my uncle, who also has spirit powers. I've spent the past three years traveling the world, meeting spirits in different places and learning about them. Do you want to hear some of the things I've learned?"

"Uh huh."

Zuko took his hands out of hiding, placed his forearms on the table and leaned over them. "Water spirits in different places have different favorite animals. The water spirits around the South Pole like penguins. This one other water spirit I know of likes fish."

"Water spirits around here are said to like turtle seals," Riri told him. "That's why our hunters have all kinds of rituals. Before they go out, they have to receive the blessing of the spirits, and after they make a kill they have to give thanks."

"Huh. The people of the Southern Water Tribe don't hunt penguins, so they don't have to worry about that. They just feed penguins tasty food before they go out fishing in hopes of a good catch."

Riri giggled. "I'm helping you in your quest!"

"Yeah, you are." Zuko paused here to internally celebrate. I can't believe it! It's better than I could have dreamed! She's taking me seriously and she loves what I'm saying and she even wants to help me! I never, ever, in a million years thought I could connect with another human being this way. Coming to the Northern Water Tribe was the best decision of my life!

The owner personally brought them plates of grilled octopus. Due to both of them leaning over the table, he could not put the plates in front of them. "Just leave them somewhere," Riri said without taking her eyes off Zuko. "Tell me more!"

Zuko waited until the owner left. "There's a lot to talk about. Where do you want to start?"

"Are the spirits scared of you because you can bend them?"

"Not at all. Who did you think I was talking about when I mentioned a master spiritbender?"

His answer literally took her breath away. She had to force herself to take deep breaths. "What about your uncle? What powers does he have?"

"This world has a physical side to it, where we are now, and a spiritual side where ghosts and other disembodied spirits live. Since they don't have bodies, normal people can't see them. My uncle spent some time with spirits once and learned how to see the world the way they do. After that, he got the ability to see disembodied spirits."

"Do these powers run in your family?"

"No. Everybody has some spiritbending ability. Without it, nobody could bend the elements or control themselves in public. They just forced me to practice it. And my uncle's spirit vision was given to him."

"Wait. Everyone can spiritbend?"

"Yeah. Bending power comes from inside your spirit. In order to use it, you have to pull it out into the rest of your body. And you know phrases like 'summoning up courage' or 'thinking happy thoughts'? That's spiritbending."

Riri stared at him, a dreamy smile fixed on her face. "I wish you could see yourself. When you talk about spirits, you look so confident, so smart, so…knowing. You're so gentle, and you explain it so well and make me want to know more. Those people should be sorry for not letting you talk. They're missing out on the best version of you."

She thinks this is the best version of me? Well, confidence does sound good. And seeming like I know what I'm talking about, like I'm an authority on it, inspiring the people who listen to me… Those are all qualities of a leader. Maybe she's right!

"Lee?"

"Yes?"

"This might sound crazy."

"Go on."

"I love you."

Zuko blinked. Wait, what? He looked at her again and realized for the first time that the way she leaned toward him was not typical of a friend. She looked entranced by him. We're in a restaurant, allegedly eating together, talking about my life story. She thinks I'm amazing and wants to get to know me. "Don't waste your time with this guy." All the pieces finally clicked together.

"Uh…" Zuko struggled to reply. "Thank you?"

"You don't feel the same way?"

"Uh… I don't know anything about love. I don't think so? I've never had this kind of connection before, the kind where I could talk about everything and not worry if it's weird. It's really nice. I like talking with you. But I don't want to kiss you or anything."

"Oh." Her eyes shimmered with tears again. She pushed herself off the table and sat back. "I thought the air was crackling between us."

"It was," Zuko replied. His chest ached. Why is she pulling away? "It was crackling. I loved it. I never dreamed it was possible to meet someone who respected me for spiritual things. I thought I had to hide it from everyone everywhere."

"But liking me for that doesn't make you want to kiss me?"

"No."

Tears rolled down her cheeks. "But I thought that's how love works. That if I figured out the right way to present myself, if I made you happy enough, I could win you over."

"That's not how love works. I don't feel it. I'm sorry. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. I just don't feel it."

Riri sniffled. She remembered about the grilled octopus and pulled her plate closer. They ate in silence. Zuko felt deeply uncomfortable. His skin itched all over. Her pain might as well have been poison ivy ointment. He couldn't stop replaying her words in his head. "I thought if I figured out the right way to present myself, if I made you happy enough, you would love me." Something about those words stabbed him in the gut, over and over, until he could no longer bear it. He signaled the nearest staff person that they were done and tried not to burst out screaming.

The owner himself decided to come over. What is wrong with him?! Is he stalking me or something? He shook his head at Riri. "I did say." Zuko had to squeeze his hands between his thighs so he wouldn't firebend at the jerk. The owner told them the bill. Zuko and Riri both reached for money. He couldn't open his mouth for fear that some kind of outburst would escape, so he let her pay half. They left the restaurant.

He couldn't hold back any longer in the open air. "No. No, stop it," he ordered. "Stop being so upset. Stop hurting. Just stop! I didn't -" He took a deep breath. "Don't worry so much about how you present yourself. Don't. It won't work. Anyone who can't love you the way you are won't love you anyway." He took another deep breath, and felt tears roll down his cheeks.

"Lee? Oh no." Riri brushed them away. "I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry."

Zuko grabbed her hands and lowered them. "I have lived my whole life always looking wrong to everyone who saw me," he squeaked out through a clenched throat. "I've tried everything. I've tried looking like everyone. None of it works. The people around me, they just…" He took a moment to gather himself, then looked up at her. "They would never accept me the way you did. I didn't even have to try with you. Maybe it doesn't matter how much I try. Maybe what matters is the kind of person you are, if you're the kind who can accept me or not. Maybe I can't control that." More tears rolled down his cheeks. But he did not sob; he never sobbed, except very quietly when he was absolutely sure nobody could hear him.

He let go of her hands and brushed the tears away himself. "Don't get so sad. Don't worry so much. It really isn't your fault. Nothing you've been through is your fault. You didn't earn any of it." His voice choked off. When he could breathe again, he whispered, "Trust me."

At long last, Zuko realized what was going on. Of course she accepted me. She understood me because she is me. He looked at her, standing there before him with her eyes wide and innocent, and briefly saw a vision of himself as a young child. I'm the only one who can accept me. Wait - if that's true, how lonely has she been?

He gave her a hug. He expected it to be bittersweet. He did not expect it to hurt. At the feel of her chest against his, something inside him burst open and released a torrent of agony. He gasped as all the pent-up torment he had ever withstood flooded through him. He let go of her, arms shaking. "I'd better go. See you around," he croaked, then turned and ran for the tunnel. He didn't care who saw him. He didn't care what they thought. He ran as fast as he could. He slid down the wall of the ridge straight into a curled up posture, buried his head in his knees, and tried not to scream.

Behind him, Riri wondered why she had been drawn to him in the first place. Had his spirit reached out to hers, letting her know that they were the same? Her head buzzed. Her ability to do anything for the rest of the day was ruined. She looked around, but didn't see Maika anywhere. She went to find her. Maika would know how to make sense of it all.

.

A/N: Re: "getting rid of the bad parts of myself." I recently watched a Youtube video by Chill Goblin called "Gender theory for DUDES," in which he discusses various ways of thinking about gender and all the reasons why straight, cis men would need to think about gender. Namely, because overly restrictive ideas of gender hurt cis men, too. He featured a number of quotes, one of which said that the pressure men feel to cut off and deny the parts of themselves that might be thought of as feminine amounts to "psychic self-mutilation." That was the exact phrase used.

That quote is why I went back and changed the first Author's Note to say I was wrong and this story kind of is an allegory about gender after all.