Disclaimer: Don't own
Mort had not slept well. He had the dream again. You know the one where you see what your life could have been? Mort was living in a large house in France, with a beautiful wife and two small children. He had a great job, still couldn't get rid of those fan girls though. It was on that thought that Mort woke up. He had drugged the fan girls, now lying hopelessly on the floor. He kicked one in despair…
"Hey! This is fun!" Mort cried in joy, as the audience wondered why, oh WHY hurting others made him so happy…when there was the inevitable knock at the door.
Mort was almost looking forward to it, that dammed psychiatrist was actually right…
He opened the door. We don't know anything about the door, not even Stephen king cared about this door which has featured so much in my story. Aw, we feel sorry for it, don't we audience?Glares DON'T WE? Good. I shall call it…Bob. Bob had lots of interesting memories. He remembered the day Mort moved in, shortly after the previous owner of the house got murdered by a giant rat…
"Giant rat? The estate agent didn't tell me of a giant rat…he said he was murdered by Jordan/Katie Price leaping on him! That's the whole point of buing this house!" Said an outraged Mort…
Fan Girls: Lalala…mort only loves us and we shall NOT kill Jordan/Katie Price…
Audience: Sure. Denial. Classic defence mechanism. SOMEONE doesn't want to face reality….
Fan Girls: Shut up! We just like a pretty colour that's all….
Back to the plot…
"Speak of the devil…"
"Hello Mortimer! How is my FAVOURITE (she winces, remembering the y-fronts dance) little psychotic patient!"
"Oh hello, Mrs Arnold."
It was the psychiatrist herself. The evil brunette (to show her intelligent side. But it was dyed, she was actually blonde, cue supposedly funny joke) who had caused Mort so much anguish.
"Jus there to ask how you were. How did you find the visitors?"
"Okay. I didn't know you had so many contacts…"
"Oh, I do. winks"
"Riiiight…please come in. Have you got something in your eye?"
"No. But YOU are the apple of my eye…"
"Excuse me while I fetch my shovel, our as I prefer to call her…"
Audience screams: HER? HE CALLS HIS SHOVEL A SHE?
Narrator: shhh! Let the nice crazy man continue…
"I call her Betsy: The huge killing implement of fluffy DOOOOOM!"
All: Riiiiight…back away slowly…
"What? Is it WRONG to name my shovel?"
Narrator: Of course not Morty, just very…um, different. Yes, unique!"
"Oh. That's okay then" Mort walks into the garage, which, unlike the rest of the house, is immaculate. It all becomes clear, hideously clear, when mort pulls back some curtain(audience wonders who actually has a curtain in their garage) to reveal: The Shrine. It has Betsy, it has corn and…
Narrator: Mort, are those scary dolls used in ritual sacrifice?
Mort; Maybe…shuffles feet
Narrator: I want you to tell me what you did is WRONG!
The flow of this conversation is interrupted by Mrs Arnold…or is it?
Yes of course it is, silly. Or maybe-don't start that again!
"Morty? Mort…come here…" says Mrs Arnold, oh how very innocent this woman looks…
"Mort, I have something to tell you…"
"OOH! Are you confirming that Michael Jackson, John Travolta and Patrick Swayze are all the same person?"
"NO! Mort, you have got to get over that obsession. Just because they all have those scary, freakishly similar legs does NOT mean they are the spawn of Satan…anyway. What I was GOING to say was…"
"That you really DID stalk your high school maths teacher?"
"HEY! That was pure coincidence that I happened to be where he was…anyway, how did you know about that? Ahem, well, it didn't happen…and stop finishing my sentences with…"
"Uncanny accuracy?"
"OH I GIVE UP! You will never know how I truly feel about…"
"Jim Carrey? I saw the way you looked at him when we watched the films with the drug addicts. Bruce Almighty? Oh yeah…to show them that they COULDN'T do all that on magic mushrooms…"
"Well, to be there some of them could fly…"
"That was the superhero drug rehab…"
"Oh yeah! Now…"
"I gotta go. I need to watch the summon on my ancient TV…"
"Is there any point? beats chest and pulls hair I LOVE YOU MORT!"
"Really, that's nice…bye"
Mort wondered why she didn't leave and just stayed screaming in his garage, yet didn't give it a second thought…
Narrator: Fan Girls…was that you?
Fan Girls: whistle innocently No…hides manual entitled "How to Hypnotize in 2 seconds flat"
Random chapter! Please review…..